when i think of last summer
i smell the scent of chlorine filling my lungs
i feel the warm sun coloring my shoulders
i hear the lawn mower running next door
i love these things
because they remind me of you
but i hate these things
because they remind me of you
i can’t choose
what i remember
and what i forget    
i smell the aroma of your cologne
i feel your arm around me
i hear you singing all the songs on the radio
and no matter what i do
i can’t let myself
let go
of what was

maybe i’ll never know
what will be
maybe i’ll find myself
living in the past
i guess
the past is comfortable to me

She was risky, she made me feel exhilarated
He paid me attention, I felt liked
He liked me for my weirdness, when I got overexcited
He made me feel safe. In his arms the world could not reach me

She made me feel all these things and more.
She smiles, my breath quickens.
She remembers what I like, I know I am interesting.
We get excited together, laughing and jumping and clapping, wide-eyed.

When I hold her in my arms, I know she is safe and I am too, both saviour and saved.
I hold her hand and never want to let go- the silent confidence makes me beam from ear to ear.
"I've got you" It says, "and you've got me."

I have been seeking comfort for so long
I don't want to deal with the hard things
The unpleasant or mundane
In some ways, I was never taught how

But I can't shake this feeling that I need more
Seeking comfort brings on stress, anxiety, pain
I can't handle all of it

I've been struggling to change for a long time
What will it take?
I want to be ready
I decide to do things
But following through is easier said than done

How much more will I allow to fall before it's enough?
I say it's enough.

I woke up this morning
In bed next to Depression
Although,
I don't remember going to sleep next to him
I think I would've remembered that
I know I would've remembered that

Because, Depression and I
Haven't seen each other
In a very long time
We actually separated…
In fact, I dumped him
The instant Joy returned to me

But I guess I should've know better
Than to get clingy with Joy
Because last night
She left
Again.
So suddenly
So abruptly
So randomly
I thought we were happy together
But changing circumstances
Sent her running for the hills

Depression must have heard that she ran
And seized the opportunity to get to me
Yet, until today
I thought I'd never see him again
I hoped
Because I didn't want him here
Not anymore

So I told him to leave
Over and over
But stubborn as ever
He refused
Over and over
Which escalated into a shouting match
One minute, I was yelling
But the next…
I'm on the ground
I mean
I've seen Depression hit Joy before
But he's never hit me
…
Until today

I don't remember much
But I'm still bruised and bloodied
And when the tears came down my cheeks
He sighed
And sat down next to me
To embrace me

I wanted to push him away
But…
I guess I just didn't have the energy
And even as I cried out miserably
His hold
Seemed to comfort me
Well… not “comfort” maybe
But I became comfortable
In his arms
I am comfortable
In his arms

And despite
How badly he hurt me
I don't mind the fact that he came back
Because
Until today
I had forgotten what he meant to me
I had forgotten
How much Depression and I get along.

His senseless touch awakes
My dead sunken emotions
Thrilling tingle it creates
Changing my physic motions

Passionate chill, grows within
Parting lips hesitate to speak
Brain clouds my thoughts in
As my senses surrender, I feel weak

A gentle kiss on my forehead
Assuring me, all will be fine
He sensed, I may be scared
So he whispered, "you are mine"

Slowly melting down in his arms
Watching the mesmerizing sunset
Capturing the cast shadow of palms
Finally ours lips, passionately met...


©sim

Pull the trigger
  of ***** target
victimized by displays
  of fading fantasy
again, into other realms
of countering thought
what could be, what isn't
   the voice echoes,
here we go, another loss
    a new finding
           of life's
     endless surprises