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Michael Pham Feb 2018
he and i met up at my place
and chilled and talked for a bit.
i began to feel warmth as i listened to his voice,
then looked at his smile,
his eyes,
his dimple on his cheek.
i gave him his gift:
a t-shirt from his favorite band and album.
he said thank you as he continued smiling,
and it made me feel warmer than i was before.

moments later,
we walked to the green line.
i was going to take him to
one of my favorite coffee shops in the west loop.
he told me that we would probably be late to get in.
the coffee shop closes at 5 while
we got on the train at around 3:40.
i told him that we were gonna make it.
i was surprised i would be the optimistic one
since i was a huge load of a pessimist from the past week.
luckily, we got to the coffeeshop an hour before it closed.
he ordered a cappuccino,
i ordered myself a hot chocolate.
we then grabbed our drinks and found a table
in a faraway corner near the restrooms
and began our conversation from there.
it was a nice one and i still felt the same amount of warmth
as i looked and listened to him.
i knew that he had a girlfriend
and that i shouldn't keep my hopes up,
but ****, is he a gem.
i just couldn't help myself.
i was also kind of surprised how we kept looking at each other
in the eyes for long periods of time.
don't know if that's a sign or anything, but, it would be frequent.

an hour later, we decided to head out to my place again.
i took some pictures of him outside the coffeeshop
with my 35mm camera and laughed when i
saw a customer almost photobombing my photo
through the window.
minutes passed and we were already back at the green line,
waiting for the train to arrive.
the sunset was so amazing,
but seeing the view of him made it better.

we made it back to my place
and relaxed for a bit once again.
he remembered that he saw a bass guitar
leaning against the wall and asked
if he can play it.
it wasn't mine but i asked one of my roommates
if he can play it and he said as long as he knows
how to set it up.
he, of course, knew since he plays bass himself.

i heard the notes he played and i began to feel mesmerized
with every note that he played.
although his rhythm was a bit off since he
wasn't used to my roommate's bass,
he was still pretty good.
the low frequencies coming from the bass amplifier
softly vibrated my ears as i was hypnotized by
his fingers moving as he presses on each fret.
i guess the vibrations made me feel a bit warm, too.

the day finally ends as i was about to walk him out of my dorm.
when we got to the front door and before he left,
he said thanks again for the gift.
and then he hugged me.
he hugged me.
i finally felt his warmth for a second or two.
it was a friendly hug, but, it still felt nice.

i remember him saying it would be cool if he can hang
every other weekend when i'm free.
i'm gonna keep that promise for sure.
i really like this guy that i've met in college and have known for six months. and even if he has a girlfriend and says he's straight, he would just give me mixed signals whenever we see each other or go outside our school campus in which we did twice now. i really hope he doesn't see this or know this website exists, but either way, i had a really good time with this guy and that he made my weekend so much better.
Michael Pham Feb 2018
i keep hurting everyone around me
and yet i still do not know
how to ******* stop
i keep hurting everyone i love and putting my **** on other people and i've been having the most ******* week and i don't know why i can't stop doing this to other people and i feel useless and that i'm never gonna learn anything at all.
Michael Pham Feb 2018
i don't even know if the faults i have made
are ever going to be fixed.
Michael Pham Feb 2018
how can you call yourself a king
when you're not even living in a monarchy?

how can you call yourself a king
when you treat everyone like they're peasants?

how can you call yourself a king
when your heart is made out of fool's gold?

and how can you call yourself a king
when you don't even know what it takes
to be one?
a.k.a. fuckboys that think they're the **** and call themselves kings because of their overly sensitive lookin *****.
  Feb 2018 Michael Pham
Rubii ü
She's lonely, but she seems happy
She's tired, but she moves forward
She's down, but she doesn't drown
She's hopeless, but she's not careless

They say she's pretty,
but she feels ugly
They say she's smart,
but she feels dumb
They say she's talented,
but she feels incompetent
They say she's strong,
but she feels weak

She has no one, but she ain't gone
And that she,

**Is me.
Michael Pham Jan 2018
i think about what happens if
someone really special
came into my life.
maybe not just someone special, but,
making friends as well.

we might have a small connection,
whether it would be similar
hobbies, tastes, interests,
whatever, same thing,
and we would be really comfortable
with each other.
we would just have a good time
talking to one another.

but there would always be a time
where i would get too comfortable.
a bit too personal.

i would keep bringing up my insecurities,
a bit of my past,
my bad habits,
and the fears that i have
that relate to the world we all live in.
i guess you can say that
turning just a regular conversation
to a therapy session
would be one of my bad habits.

but thinking about it,
i forget that everyone
has their own weaknesses,
and there's going to be a point in time
where we're going to
open up to them about it.
yes, i understand that some people
would like to hide certain problems to themselves
which i still have a hard time trying to do,
but at the end of the day,
we're going to show other people
our weakness at some point.

and once i tell the other person
my weaknesses, my demons,
i would always beat myself up
and punish myself
that i had lost another opportunity
of making a new friend.
but really, it's them to decide
whether they want to accept
my flaws or not.

you either stay friends with me
and accept me,
no matter what mistake i make,
or leave and go meet someone new.
that is all up to you.
your choice.
a life lesson that i can't please anybody and that i will always find people that can love me for me.
  Jan 2018 Michael Pham
Waiting for a phone call,

Waiting for a text message,

Waiting for a visit,

Waiting for a time,

When I no longer have to wait.
I am sitting here waiting for you to call me and god, I just want to see you again
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