When, on days like this
It takes everything in me to stay
To remain,
With my feet planted on this decaying ground,
That's collapsing under me
I lift my heavy head toward a cloudy sky
and cry out silently: Why?

And on days like these
I know I will find a way in no way
To get out of here
Out of this stagnation and this fear
One day, I know
I will be out in a field
Where the air is so crisp,
And I will feel it against my singing lips,
Singing sweet songs of praise
For once again my sorry soul God will have raised.

On days like this the bleakness feels inescapable,
I wonder if I am in any degree capable
To rid myself of my hindrances
and set forward on the path that God has set before me
I can't lie to you
and tell you I am naturally brave,
for I am shaking at my knees,
So scared I am indeed
But I can't keep my feet planted in this deteriorating ground much longer,
For the dirt of this town breaks through my shoes and eats at my calloused soles
I need to find a way to stop the bleeding.  

Jesus showed me how to give up everything
for the will of our Father
It's so daunting to be called to this,
but something deep within me
tells me I must follow.

So what will I give up,
What will I sacrifice
to follow the call God has on my life?
My answer: everything.

Holding you tight,
Holding you close,
Igniting your light,
Smelling your rose.

Finding your fears,
Hearing them all,
Holding the tears,
From when you’d call.

Called you at home,
You didn’t answer.
I found your phone,
Filled with my cancer.

I found your coat,
Stained with my blood,
Didn’t mean to bloat,
Didn’t want to run.

Stepped out in the rain,
Trying to find you,
Holding my pain,
Exposing my fortune.

Never felt colder,
Than on that stormy night,
Drenched but never closer,
To all of your moonlight.

Don't call it a comeback
My depressions been here for years
I still smoke myself to sleep
And calm my anxiety with 3 or more beers

It's just goes to show
That I should stay in my lane
I stare at the bottom of an empty bottle
Just to focus on something other than pain

I knew it'd come back
I knew it was too good to be true
Depression isn't a state of mind
It's something that controls you

You would think I'd be used to it
And that it'd get a little easier
But I really didn't see this coming
It must be getting sneakier

I don't care about punctuation
I don't give a **** about my grammar
The only reason I'm doing this
Is to try to feel a little better

It used to work, ya know
To keep my demons at bay
Now it's starting to feel like work
Because I have all these people watching what I say

I guess you can say it's my fault
Since I'm the one that posted them online
Maybe I'm just not meant to have something as simple as a peace of mind.

I only write when I'm sad
Cause I use my words to cope.
So what am I supposed to say
When I feel the slightest bit of hope?

Love poems and positive thoughts?
I've tried that but it's all been said
I start writing and all I can think about
Is the times I wanted a bullet in my head.

Pretty typical stanza coming from me
Everything I write is basically the same
Oh no, I broke down the fourth wall
Am I still a poet or am I stripped of that name?

This is not me giving this up
Its more of me finally giving in
I think we all saw this coming,
That it's time to drop this pen.

I want to say thank you
For all your love and support.
And if anyone is saddened by this
Just know that I'm not sad anymore.

You are calling
and I just keep staring
frozen
my heart resonates
to the vibration of the ringing phone.

My eyes are hazzy
My mind is fuzzy
I don't know what to say
For I fear I will make a fool of myself
leaving to end the conversation
on an awkward note.

The call ends
I breathe
to calm my nervous nerves.

I call back
only to find myself stutteringg
and being overly conscience
with every word I say
dreading to have called
as the call ends.