"We're trying so ******* hard
not to be a couple.
Not to act
like we want each other more than anything.
But holy ****,
it's like trying to forget how to breathe.
How can you just stop doing something
so natural that you never even learned to do it,
something just happened on its own?
How can you stop something
that feels so ******* right
and calming
and healthy
and try to find alternatives?
Ways to complete life
without doing the action
you're trying so hard not to do?
Pretending not to love him feels like
being on a respirator.
I just want to breathe again,
I just want to breathe naturally;
I just want to be his again,
I just want to be us again."

Less than a month ago, I lay on a cold slab in a dark room, convinced I was dying. Tonight I lay still in my soft bed and realize, maybe I still am.

Its like suffocating, you know? Being drowned in your own ******* emotions. Only fitting that the bad blood in my veins decides to clot right there, in my lungs, in the sickest poetic justice imaginable. I couldn't breathe. Am I even breathing now?

Don't get me wrong, the doctors filled me up with pills and good fortunes, telling me I would be fine if I was careful, cautious, a perfect little good girl. And I smiled and took deep breaths even though every breath killed me. So if my lungs are fine, then why am I not breathing?

Looking back, that morning I woke with sharp pains in my sides I told the doctors I had never felt something like that before. And in a way, I wasn't lying. It had never been so physical before. But the pain, the crying, the inability to breathe, well those were things I was far too familiar with. So doctor, if I'm going to live, why am I not breathing?

****, the writer of my story is one sadistic *******. I mean, that symbolism. Choking on your own lifeblood? **** near perfect. It would have been the perfect turnaround story. The mentally unstable girl finally truly stands at death's doorstep when she doesn't want to, and she realizes maybe life is worth it. That maybe even a **** up deserves dreams, deserves happiness. The tale should have ended there, right? I learned, I had that moment when I knew I didn't want to die. I felt changed. So if I am so changed, if that is my happy ending, then why am I not breathing?

Happily ever after doesn't exist. Life doesn't work that way. Tragedy is around every corner, particularly when your chemical makeup is in a constant struggle with your will to live. But everyone is so thankful, so happy I am safe and well and normal again. **** normal. **** safe. ******* **** well. If I am so well, then why am I not breathing?

Its great, you know, knowing that the "thankful for being alive" feeling will never last for me. My wiring won't allow it. All around me everyone is so proud. They say I'm strong and brave and better. Funny thing is they totally missed the metaphor. **** my facades, **** my brain, because my blood is thinning, and my world is spinning, and I'm not breathing.

My heart may be black, and I may exhale corruption, but these scars aren't on my eyes.
This is only the introduction,
To where my future lies.

It never felt quite right...
Yet never really wrong
Pretending you're alright,
When you know you don't belong

All at once the Demon
Masquerading as a God
Perfectly imperfect
Magnificently flawed

The quiet desperation
Sweet silent isolation
Now all that I can feel...my own violent soul's vibration
That sordid celebration
That terrible temptation
The shattering of tender hearts...My downfall's orchestration

The final walk through paradise
The waterfall of tears
The bastion of loneliness
The sum of all our fears

The tiger crouched behind you
The bomb that's ticking down
The iron ball inside your throat
You choke on as you drown

The dusty corpse of yesterday
Crumbling to a pile
I think I'll sit here all alone
Just breathing for a while

Deep eyes
Irresistible lips
Erratic breathing
Intertwined bodies
Passion of love.

and if it feels like
you're seeing double and
living through a time-lapse
you are alive

if it feels like
you're on a train to
nowhere
getting wind caught in your hair,
oh, you're alive

and if it hurts, you'll be alright

weight
          breathless
      lungs
  air
gasp
     suffering
                 tears
    thirty one
scars
       cuts
             wounds
         dad
yelling
          fights
    cries
          survival
                      apocalypse
           suicide
      cuts
           blades
scissors
           knives
                     dying
                             sleeping
                      tired
              quiet
        ­      s
             i
            l
           e
          n
         c
        e

I want to take breaths,
so peaceful,
a single feather,
will float up and down from my lips,
and silence will be as common as oxygen,
and you will only hear me inhale,
and exhale,

like it was when I took my first drag,
I took it,
as a loud world went quiet,
and all focus went on your hand,
you forgot about the simple things,
simple things that really where so uncontrolled,
you just forgot,

and with a clear head,
you take the most peaceful breaths,
as your smoke,
acts as a feather,
and floats,