The week is freeing.
All pleasure is fondling my being.
My senses are occupied.
But forget that, cos I lied.

I lie to myself.
I now see my health.

Because now we're back.
Sunday.
This empty day, my mind howls away.
No blanket of soothing ignorance.
No lens of a hopeful sickness.

Right now there is me.
Only me.
How I convulse and clench my teeth
in my selfhatred
empty pit of me.

Wandering around the world
Searching for something my own
I'm looking everywhere,
For a place called home

I've had hard journeys
I've fallen, but got up
Never did I stop
While trying to find,
A home that I'll love

I've had many breakdowns
Many times my heart broke,
But a single wish kept me going
The wish for a home

Days and nights passed by
I sat on streets and on thrones
But never did I feel like
I'm sitting in my home

I've been in many places
Eaten on plates of gold, and of steel
But, never did it taste like
A home cooked meal

I wondered many times
How would it feel?
Then, I thought, It doesn't matter
As long as it's a home that's real

A place called home
Filled with love and life,
Where I won't get backstabbed
By somebody's knife

A place called home
Where I'll never be alone
So, If I go out someday
I'll know, I have a home

Even in the hardest days,
I'll have a home, where I can rest
The problems will sweep away,
By themselves
To me,
My home will be the best

And when the time comes
For me to sail towards the sky, that's blue
I'll know that always
I have a home
Where I can return to

So, I'll never stop looking
For that place called home
In this world, I just want
That something of my own
My home

The feelings I feel are so confusing to me
No matter what I do I can't make them leave
They hit me and yell and scratch till I bleed
Always around, bringing me to my knees
I feel them in my skin, they buzz in my brain
Mentally I'm in the street laid out in the rain
They rip out my nails and tap dents in my collar bones,
Force me back to my room where I just lay all alone,
Darken my eyes, drain the color from my face
The creature now in the mirror I look at with disgrace

iNNER THOUGHTS BECOME INTENSE
aS THEY PICK APART IT'S OWN DEFENSE
mAKING DOOM PREDICTIONS AT IT'S OWN EXPENSE
fINDING A NEED TO RELIEVE SUSPENSE
hENCE THE ARRANGEMENT OF LETTERS INTO WORDS THAT MAKE SENSE
tHE TRANSLATION ITSELF IS A JUMBLED MESS
tHE CRANIUM FEELS FAR TOO DENSE
wHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?
lOVE AND HATE IN THE SAME CONTENTS
rUSH TO TAKE OFFENSE
cAN NEVER GET IT OUT BEFORE  THE CRACK UP AND BREAKDOWN COMMENCE

©2024

I'm not scared
I'm terrified
Every step forward
Fears are verified
Every glance over the shoulder
The past gets magnified
Every breakdown in the corner
Bad strands of DNA amplified
I'm afraid if I stay on this ride
I'll be taken out with the tide
Created by the oceans I've cried
Ignored 'cause I say, "I'm good" but I lied

©2024

You only judge;
Or misjudge, the minimal effort you saw while my mind was gagged and bound
The many breakdowns you were a part of where no fix could be found
And the deluged of tears you hardly stuck around long enough to see hit the ground

You never asked;
About the profound effort of simply starting a day on the day priors rebound
About the countless cries that tried to break through the red tape but never found sound
Or about the tears I was told weren't allowed to form with other people around

Leaving me to question;
Can a life be built on the middle ground?
I guess the more important question is,
Do you desire to turn this thing around?
Is there any interest,
What-so-ever,
In seeing if a middle can even be found?
I'd appreciate your response but don't expect to see one come around

Fool heartedly yours,

The Crying Clown

©2024