you can feel it coming sometimes
the other part of life
the sad one
the anxious one
sometimes when you are alone
there is no happiness
only nervousness
maybe thats the real part or
just a phase

I've been thinking through every aspect of us
Thinking of everything I could have done differently
Every kiss, every hug, every touch
I should've done it more? Maybe less?

Should I have told you I loved you more? Less?
You say it is not my fault but I can not help but wonder
Is there something I could have done?
Something to make you stay?

they have always been
and always will be.
the morning doth bring laughter,
the sunset a sign of dawning anxiety.

it is loud with every chirp,
it is eerie with distant silence,
it speaks words on top of words,
it is all the layers of tame violence.

(i want to believe there is someone.
i want to believe there is laughter filling the room.
i want to feel the warmth again,
i want to see the sun rise again soon.)

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that every nerve in your body tightens? Just so angry and anxious that you want to shake the dirt off of every fiber of your being. Crank up the volume in the car till your eardrums vibrate and only hear one constant, extremely loud noise. Clutch the steering wheel, speeding down the highway, eyes darting to the metal side rail, battling the urge to slam into it and flip your car.

How do I fix this? How do I avoid feeling this way from the beginning? It's the smallest things that set this off and it's absolutely suffocating - like a building on your chest, gasping for air. I think being reckless and overloading the senses helps. Sure it can really hurt you, but in that moment, nothing is okay. I just want it all to shut up - all the thoughts running through my head, all the emotions bubbling up. I just want peace. If that means shaking loose all the parts of my brain and filling that adrenaline by speeding down the highway - then so be it.



-t.s.

This feeling of despair does not get better
Just waiting for something to change
A sign anything to stop me feeling this way
But some things never change
And this feeling is one of them

and now that cold, heavy blanket i've been trapped under for so long,
gets a little bit lighter, and i can finally feel the sun

it hasn't always been this light, mind you
i just haven't always been this strong

Demons held in jars on my shelf.
I pick one up and talk to it,
"I think I'm wrong..."
Malice and the dead look in its eyes answer.
"... You're nodding. What do you know?"
When you go, will you haunt me?
Demons,
freed from their jars on my shelf,
run wild.

I am here
But I am not
My limbs are
My heart beats
But where am I?
I want peace,
Until then I hide.
Waiting for silence
Waiting to thrive.
Glimmers of light shine
And remind me to be patient
But I hear the clock ticking
Telling me not to waste it
Telling me this is not where I
Am meant to be.
My heart skips beats
As I anticipate my next demand,
Pulling me apart as I say yes
To everyone
Everything,
But myself.
I want peace.
I want silence.
I want time
For me
To thrive.
Until then,
I hide.

Thoughts eating away at my brain,
mouth drying away,
lips sealing my shrieking soul away,
tongue stuttering away,
heart palpating away,
lungs having no air,
muscles fidgeting away,
fear crippling my soul away,
nails chipping away,
stress rushing to my brain,
vision blurring away,
tears streaming down my face,
body trembling away
as anxious nerves take me away.