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smile flower Mar 24
loneliness makes my veins hurt. like as if they are being drained of the blood inside of them. loneliness makes my eyes tear up, with all the fluids I drank today to make myself look preoccupied in order for people not to think I'm a loner. I feel lonely.... and it *****.

I want to go out with a friend, I wish I had a friend. I want to feel love, not the bf/gf type of love but any love. I want to be loved, I want to be cared for by someone other than my mother who has to love me. I want to not sit alone in my room and cry about being lonely.

I want self growth, I want to be the person I've always wanted to be. someone who is happy and contempt in life. I feel scared and alone. I'm scared of facing reality and the fact that no one cares about me. I'm scared to go to graduation because no one but my mom and brother will cheer for me, I'm scared of that because I'll be embarrassed and probably drop my diploma out of frustration. I'm scared to grow up. im scared to face the even more free time I'll have to fill with self pity in college.

I have to get a job soon and I'm scared ill **** up. I'm scared to do anything that will embarrass me. I dont want to go to a new environment. I want to be able to be happy In a place i know. that's why I regret quiting my job, I knew how it worked and how to do things. but now I'll have to embarrass myself working at a new place. meet new people. fake smile at new customers. fake smile at myself in the mirror.

I always complain and never try to make a change.

as I write this my veins hurt, my heart feels weird. I read last night that loneliness can ****. I tried to die last September, but that was on my own agenda.

I'm not sure if I want to die just simply because my heart couldn't take the fact that no one wanted to be around me. it hurts.

I'm tired of the pain. I am so tired of this constant feeling in my veins that makes me want to rip them out.
this is a poem I wrote a while ago while I felt helpless, I'm a bit better now but just reading this makes me remember the pain I felt. the throbbing pain in my veins, maybe it was stress from everything or maybe loneliness really made me feel physical pain.

either way I never want to experience that kind of pain again.
smile flower Mar 24
hate is a strong word that I can only use to describe my feelings towards you

hate is what fills my eyes with tears everytime you spit your degrading words towards me, you spit and spit until I am nothing but a puddle of sadness and pity

a puddle of hatred that you splash and stomp your feet in, with each stomp my the hatred grows and expands until I become a ocean of hate

yet you dont seem to care and keep swimming in me

the hatred I have for you is something I wish I did not have, I wish I was a ocean of love and admiration for you

but you can only seem to put me down and belittle me

so a ocean of hatred is what I am
I wish my life was different.....
smile flower Mar 8
snow, snow

look it's snowing

let all your worries go away like snow being carried away by the wind

It's snowing

The snow has fallen onto your shoulders adding more weight onto your shoulders

Close your eyes
Breathe in breathe out

Look at the snow

It's falling

I'll make you a warm cup of tea

Tell me about your day

It's okay to be stressed

Watch the snow fall and tell me about your day

It's okay to let tears fall down your face

Watch the snow fall and let the tears fall down your face

It's snowing
im back:) it's been snowing a lot where live, spring is coming though!!!
smile flower Feb 24
a boy who was too harsh

a boy who wanted to impress his friends

a boy who knew how delicate the girl he held in the palm of his hand was

a boy who didnt care about relationships


a girl who was too scared

a girl who was willing to tell anyone anything just for attention

a girl who soon learned that teenage boys dont care

a girl who just wanted to experience love

Jim and Jennifer

two people who met

two people who were in very different places emotionally and socially

two people who didnt know how to stop

two people who should have never met

two people who were and used to be
have u ever wanted to ask them why they did the things they did.
smile flower Feb 24
thanks, to you who's words comforted me.

thanks, to you who's voice wrapped me up in a warm blanket safe from the world.

thanks, to you who made me laugh during sleepless nights.

thanks, to you who showed me that it's okay not to be perfect.

thanks, to you who I have never met.
today wasnt great, but I smiled once I heard your voice.
  Feb 23 smile flower
If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
Is off-brand raisin bran
Is how you say school is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die

Is packed to the brim with
Hidden implications
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong

Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"

They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
It's indifference
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
Than "Okay"
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Stung less
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
You responded
smile flower Feb 23
Instagram, nothing.

snapchat, nothing.

Twitter, nothing.

I sit in bed, alone for the 100th day. alone.
I just woke from my sleep and deleted all my social media. I'm tired of feeling ignored.
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