i've held the knife
felt the cold edge of the blade against my throat
my wrist
that tiny voice inside me screaming with joy
'it'll all be over'
'pull the plug!'
i'm terrified of living.
of enduring this ceaseless torment day after day after day
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain
but the terror of attempting and being left unsuccessful scares me even more.
the fear of failure in every aspect of my life
it comes back and bites you in the back
when you finally had the chance to be free
end it all
it chains you down and keeps you there
watching you struggle
i can't escape it
the endless ******* cycle of self doubt and fear
so i'm still here
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain.

Just a little too much
to overfill a glass,
not quite enough
to fill up the pitcher.

Dripping down the sides,
an ever-messy lover,
yet spiraling in panic
when I’m spilt on the floor.

Whether the rain revives me,
or the sun dries me up—
I don’t fit anywhere
I want to.

The sun leaks in through glass and dust,
8 a.m., warm, golden, just—
enough to stir, but not to move.
My chest still bears a weight I prove
can pin me down through morning light,
then lull me back to lazy night.

I blink—and thunder shakes the frame,
rain drums the glass, it calls my name.
I reach again for glowing blue—
7 p.m. It can’t be true.

A whole day lost in linen seams,
swallowed by half-conscious dreams.
I whisper what I always say:
Tomorrow, I will not decay.

I just want to be loved
but everyone leaves
what is so wrong with me
that I'm not worth
staying for?
I would rip out my heart
for someone
but I can't get anyone
to text me first
I put so much effort
into a relationship
but no one stays
what is so wrong with me
that I'm worth
staying for?
I just want to be loved
I just want to be loved
I can't do this anymore
I'm done with love

I need more alcohol,
To numb my pain.
Not to party all night,
Just to alleviate my brain.

The first shot I choke down,
The second I shudder once,
The third I welcome,
The fourth has no burning response.

“Why is the tequila slowly disappearing?”
My dad inquires one night,
I shrug and convince him I’m innocent,
He agrees I am without a fight.

Night after night to slow my thoughts.
Shot after shot to **** the loneliness.
Gulp after gulp straight from the bottle.
Morning after morning I awake amidst the fogginess.

I guess this is what addiction is.
I guess I should care about the dependence.
But all I care about is escaping,
The pain i am cruelly sentenced.

I wish I’d known that last goodbye
would echo like a final sigh.
Your eyes were quiet, voice unsure—
a silence I chose to ignore.

You didn’t flinch, you didn’t cry,
just turned and left beneath that sky.
If I had known, I’d have begged you to stay,
to steal a few more words that day.

No calls, no texts, not even views,
just empty screens and phantom news.
I hold my phone, then drop it fast—
what’s hope but shadows from the past?

They say move on, that time will heal,
but grief’s not something you can feel
and fix like glass that’s cracked in two.
I’d just have held on tighter—
if only I knew.

That goodbye was forever.

Who's the psychopath,
Laughing his own cruel jokes?
It's all a crude game,
People's pain.
Oh, she looks OK,
Finally feeling some joy, Let me take that away,
Laugh when she's no more feeling OK.
She wonders what she did to deserve this.
Being the victim of you.
Now she's convinced she bought this on herself.
But little girl, you're innocent.
He feels he must hurt you.
Take the ground beneath your feet,
As soon as you start to heal, Shoots a detrimental thought,
That cuts.
She thinks she's his only,
We all think we're his favorite.
Just stay away from all of us.

There are two things in me:
Sense of belonging is one,
Appreciation is two.
When combined?
This is something I can’t conclude.
I expect too much;
Then regret as much.
Hearing these voices in my head,
That kept me up all night and said,
“Do you think when you are gone-
They will be bothered to remember you?”
I began to reach out with my hand,
Then I started to look like a fool.
“Why would they even remember?”
I couldn’t even give a response.
Because everything it said is true.
I fell into an endless abyss,
With nonstop bickering.
I am starting to lose my sanity
I couldn’t even get it out of my head.
I feel so helpless and afraid,
A feeling of endless pain.
I could feel something so near,
That something is what I despair.
I couldn’t even take it,
I just want to have some rest.
“Why can’t I have it?”, is what I said.
Internally screaming that no one could hear.
A crying for help that no one knows.
The night has become eternal.
Not knowing how much time has passed.
At first, I couldn’t believe,
There are such things possible.
The saying seconds become minutes,
minutes become hours.
So I thought this is what I should pay,
And will continue to stay.

Being alone is

nice, my experiences --


resonate again.