I can't fall asleep
But I don't want to wake up,
So I'm sitting here thinking
Of how I'm out of luck.

I keep tracing the map
That I've drawn for myself
To keep track of my mind,
Which I keep on a shelf.

Hours have passed
But the clock hasn't changed
The longer I lay here
The more I feel deranged

I lie broken, alone in this bed
As a cacophony of violence
Screams in my head
I'm being crushed
By this weight on my chest
God,
I know this wait is at my own sick behest
But why must I face this night alone?
Lonely, blue
Cursed to never feel at home?
The tears build up, but they never release
Can't I have some peace, just this once
Please?

Not that I'm constantly looking but if you want laugh at my love life here it goes
I get rejected even in my dreams
so broken that even where I have all control
I still give myself no hope
only place I might have a chance
yet I still find ways to let it all pass
It's a struggle to figure out where my charm lies
I might've had my shot at some point  but still I watched it slowly die
So mislead by low self esteem I probably already saved my queen
yet I just handed her over due to the fact
well...i don't think I'm capable of ever really feeling loved back
I don't know how to play the game I was never really taught it also might be I can't ever seem to hide my thoughts
I wear my heart on my sleeve as cliché as it sounds
No one liners here I'll hit you with the truth 
it's okay back away scared of the profound
I already have my daily reminder
Everybody loves to laugh at a Sad clown.

I am cold.
But everyone says
You just need to get past my walls,
I am a warm person deep down.
They see what they want to but
I am cold as ice inside.
People will tell you
I have a sensitive side but
Hardly anyone sees.
What I truly am inside,
A heartless monster.
Still, my peers think they know
I am really a big softy.

Now read it bottom to top.

Didn’t sleep much last night
I was admiring the thunder
Focusing on the rain getting louder and louder
Marveled at the sky while it was changing color
I stayed up until 4am last night
Just to watch the overly dramatic lightning strike
Watching it burn on the sky almost like it was able to write.
Woke up at 7:18 exactly
Just to keep admiring
My old friend the rain
Letting me open up
Transforming its iridescent water drops into obscure showers of pain.
My lonely friend who always comes back,
Lets me choose its next move
Makes me forget the meaning of sad
While I make the new purple-black sky forget about that peaceful blue

atomic thunder baby
the random things my mind can conjure
at this time and hour is amazing

i dont even have anything to write about.
i just found a draft entitled "Atomic"
with nothing on it

then like lightning, a sudden surge of verbal impulse
got me thinking of an atomic thunder baby
i dont even know what it means but it sounds epic and cool

hays. what am i even doing with my life
why cant i be smart or witty or athletic or have a lot of friends
or be mysteriously fascinating or relevant.
why cant i be an atomic thunder baby?

I remember ur freckles the most, how they were sprinkled across ur face like store locations on a map. I remember how they would disappear when winter came and how they looked when u scrunched ur nose to laugh at something i said. I remember all these little things about you but you don’t remember anything about me

its an incredible feeling getting to know everything about someone and falling in love with them, they become your everything, the reason behind your smiles and the reason for waking up in the morning.
everyone always supported me and him and told us we made each other happy but nobody ever told me about the bad stuff.
when things started getting bad, all i could think about from the moment i woke up is who hes with and if hes having fun without me. i wondered if he still cared about me like he used to say he did. I wondered if truth was he didnt think about me at all anymore. I became focused on trying to keep my relationship going as long as i possibly could, prioritizing him over actually important things. i ended up pushing him away without realizing because of how controlling i became. i started to get worried, and lose my confidence, thinking it was something i was doing that he didnt like. he became the reason behind fighting to hold back tears and the reason i didnt eat because i was just too sad. I stopped sleeping because i would wait for him to text me and let me know he was ok or that he was sorry or couldnt sleep without me, even though he never did.
love hurts. it can be amazing and it will be until someone starts changing and stop showing you how much they care or want you. youll feel like youre the one whos in the wrong and might even start to change the way you look hoping to get their attention, but truth is nothing stays perfect forever.
The thing i regret the most was how i made excuses for the way he would let me down or become busy the minute i needed him most just because i didnt wanna let go of someone who wasnt sure about me.

Its been a year since ive last seen you and i can barely remember your voice as you talked to me on the phone, or the exact shade of blue in your eyes. I can barely remember how your hand felt in mine and what it was like to laugh and roll around in the sheets with you. Its been a year since ive last seen you and my memory has gone fuzzy, but **** do i miss you all the same.