i truly do love you
that’s the hardest part of this
i feel guilty for what i'm thinking
for the blood stains on my wrist

you say you care about me
i don't know why i don’t believe it
you ask me how i'm doing
i’m doing worse, but won't admit it

i want better things for you
than the chaos in my mind
i’ve put you through too much
but for some reason, you've stayed all this time

my head is spinning
things are getting worse
i contemplate leaving
and this isn't a first

i don't tell you enough
how appreciated you are
life is tough
but you make it worth it by far

i’m doing my best to fight it
as my skin turns black and blue
but there’s one thing i can admit
i truly do love you

s.s

being around you
makes me feel
ecstatic and elated
yet
unfathomably forlorn
and undeniably broken

ironic isn't it?

s.s

drugs drugs all the time
masking what you can't unwind
only masking

s.s

it continues to amaze me
     everyday
how those little things
are so awe worthy
it is so bizarre
how something like a smile
can invoke
     such
        immeasurable
           emotion
or how a pair of eyes
can set fire to your insides
and make you feel a rush
you can't even put into words
it is
all in all
     fascinating
how a single person
can make you want to
     l i v e
when nothing else does

s.s

i care about you
more than i can put into words
and it's awful
knowing i am no longer yours
but i'll keep writing ****** poems
and smiling when i see you
because deep down inside
i still hope you miss me too
because you seem to solve all my problems
but their problems that you've created
so i am forever confused
thinking this love is overstated

s.s

"they say if you love someone
set them free
and if they are truly yours
they will come back"

she paused to take him in watching his chest lay still as he held his breath waiting for her words

"i tried that
i let you go
and nothing hurt more than that
but you're still here
and i'm not sure if that's good or bad
because i think i'm still holding you back"

her voice started to crack but his expression never did

"i love you
but i'm setting you free
and i want you
but you don't have to come back to me"

s.s

i will probably still think of you
with my brains across the wall

s.s

i could tell you stories
of sweet little girls
holding the hands of boys
who make their hearts twirl
of boys bringing roses
to girls with sweet smiles
of couples that last
and walk down the aisle
or i could tell you the truth
the brutal reality
where love is cruel
and far from a fantasy

s.s

a memory of us
along with the words i used to trust
words that were truly lies
only daggers in disguise

s.s

it is completely confusing
how just weeks ago
you spoke with sugar dripping from your tongue
every word you uttered undeniably sweet
and you traced my skin with the stars in your eyes
saying nothing could break this
yet now you break me
with evident ease
and act as though this was all a joke
that every charming word you spoke
was a lie to get what you want
and now its not worth the effort
and you are unaffected
simply moved on in a matter of hours
like this didn't even happen
as though you've erased it from your memory
i dont even know if it was ever true
i just know i did love you
**** i still do
and maybe that wasn't mutual
ever and never will be
i want to believe you cared
but it's hard when you act this way
you joke and laugh and ignore it all
it's probably good you didnt stay
because how could you tell me one thing
that you're hurting just like me
then act the opposite
like you dont care and that's plain to see

the devil looks just like me
she resides inside my head
permeating all my thoughts
assembling words better left unsaid
she stares back at the mirror
and shrieks in pure disgust
whispers every single flaw she sees
reassuring that it's her i trust
her rambling is so piercing
that it shatters the glass with ease
and shards lay so unnerving
pulling me to my knees
so she hands me broken fragments
to glide across delicate skin
and with one last sickly smile
i finally rid the devil within

s.s

you and i
we felt hopeless
full of regrets and bad choices
but that never stopped me from wanting you
even now
i fall asleep with you in my head
hoping you'll follow
so i can be with you
happy
even if temporary

s.s

kiss me
slowly

let your mouth
drift across my neck
sending chills
down my spine
as your lips
meet mine

let your tongue
take control
and your eyes
drift closed
touching skin
left exposed

kiss me
like i'm yours

s.s

all the words in the world
are incapable
of describing
the way
my heart breaks
but still beats

s.s

you left

you
*******
left

with no explanation
you just left

so don't even try to rationalize
what you did this time
because you have made me feel
so worthless
that i don't think
you can fix it


s.s

i miss you
oh god i miss you
every **** night
and the hard part is
i know i shouldn't
you weren't good for me
i am better off without you
but i still miss you
oh god i miss you
every   ****   night

s.s

to be honest
i'm not sure what we were
these memories are flooding my head
and there's so much i want to say
so much i want to know

do you miss me
do you see me and feel your heart ache
do you think about me before you drift off to sleep
do you you get high to forget me
or does this all not matter

i miss you more than i should
seeing you and knowing you arent mine makes me sick to my stomach
you're the first and last thought to cross my mind every day
i've tried to get high in as many ways as possible to keep my mind away from you
this all matters too much, i shouldn't feel this much

to be honest
i can't stop thinking about what we were
and if you're thinking about it too

s.s

i don’t want you to read my poems
i want you to know i’m fine

s.s

please
please tell me
when you move on
tell me you don't love me
please
so i can stop picturing
you calling me
kissing me
holding me
telling me you made a mistake
that you messed up again
please
please tell me
when you do
so i can move on too

s.s

i wonder
if you still think about her
if you wish she was here
if you want what you were

if in the early hours of the morning
it's her in your head
her name on your lips
wanting her in your bed

as you silently look her
up
and
down
in your dreams
i know it must happen
it can't always be me

s.s

her grin felt like sunshine
and his laugh sounded like gentle waves
together they were easy summer living
the happy high people strive for

s.s

what if
we weren't meant to be and the stars in our eyes were born in different galaxies where their light will never mix or even come close to touching

what if
we're wasting time that we will never get back by pouring love into each other but never getting anywhere like watering plants that never seem grow

what if
we are fighting for something that's already gone like trying to raise the dead but just like the horror films we need to learn to let go

what if
we never see the future that we speak of in secret and it's all just a dream that we can only wake up from and realize it's not real

what if
we're killing each other without knowing like sitting in the closed garage with the car running breathing in something you can't see but is deadly

what if
we met at the wrong time like a freak accident on an empty highway we collided and created a mess to big for us to handle

what if
this isn't right but we can't tell because i have bad vision and you can't see through the *** smoke so we just keep blindly searching for a way to make it work

what if
you don't actually love me but i love you and it takes two to dance to this song but you're on the side lines and i'm shuffling my feet in an empty ballroom

what if
what if
what if

i
you will suddenly understand why home is not where you are, it's who you're with because their arms will feel safe like the home you never had and they will give you comfort like you've never felt

ii.
you will melt your bodies together like the way a million colors blend as the sun sets and the combination of your skin will be so stunning it won't seem real

iii.
it won't matter what the others say because every time you hear them laugh it is a reminder that they are your world and the other opinions are irrelevant

iv.
they will make the future seem bright and for the first time you won't be afraid to wake up in the morning because the thought of them is a driving force to keep trying

v.
together you will find yourself learning about life and how to fight through it and side by side you will be invincible because just their hand in yours will be enough armor to protect you from the world

vi.
you will find yourself staring at them in ordinary moments wondering how you got so lucky as to call this perfect human yours and you will thank the universe every night before you sleep for bringing them into your life

vii.
you will realise that "i love you" is so much more than three little words and that small sentence will never be enough to express how you feel about them

viii.
good news or bad they will be the first person you want to run too because they aren't just a lover they are your best friend and your day doesn't feel right without hearing about theirs

ix.
the world around you will always remind you of them and you will find pieces of them where ever you go because they are always in the back of your mind and any moment you are without them you will wish they were there

x.
you will finally understand why so many people would die for love because
you would do anything to keep them happy, to keep the light in their eyes, and to keep the smile on their face

s.s

eyes like the dark soil i'll be buried in
mixed with the bright sunlight that heats the cobblestone

s.s

the satisfaction
of numbers dropping at your feet
and the warmth
of nothing in your stomach

s.s

the only positive
to this pain
is that it gives power
to pathetic poetry

s.s

closer
closer
hot breath
hot skin
sweat dripping
mind tripping
come in
come in

s.s

she wants to talk with
him more than anything but
sorrow consumes her

lay me on your tongue like acid tabs
light me like a **** or dab
breathe me in like *** smoke
snort me up like lines of coke
taste me like a ******
shoot me up like ******
sip me like spiked tea
trip on me like lsd
use me
continuously  
like your drug of choice
and i will make you feel
otherworldly

s.s

you never saw it coming
i was just your daughter
how could i **** you without even taking your life
but somehow i have
i have killed you in a way only i am capable of
broke your heart into pieces not even i can put back together
but i am just your daughter
so you never saw it coming

s.s

she had hurricanes in her head
and flood waters in her heart

s.s

you were the one that hurt me
you were the one causing all this pain
you were the one that made this happen
yet if you were standing in front of me
with soft eyes and open arms
i would melt into your embrace
with tears you caused dripping down my face

s.s

i kept them
as tokens of our innocence
of a love that once was

they stand for a time before
when we were together
and that's all that mattered

a time when we wanted to make each other happy
just kids struck blind by first love
trying to hold on to the high before it faded away

a time when i thought the world was good
and i had finally found something that felt right
i had found someone i didn't want to lose

now i can't seem to throw them away
because they remind me of you
and you may not be here now
but they prove you once were
so i kept them

s.s

i could write books about you
novels solely of your existence
stories surrounding your being
but i wouldn’t dare
for the second i write it down
it becomes real
in black and white
right in front of me
staring back at me
and i can no longer pretend
that what i feel
isn’t real

s.s

i can't seem to differentiate
reality
from the memories
i keep playing in my head

so forgive me
for still being in love with you

i can't seem to tell the difference
between what you were
and what you have become

s.s

it is always back there
in the farthest corners of my mind
waiting to seep out after sunset
at the lowest moments

and it aches
making everything heavy
like cement rolling through my veins
weighing me down so i can no longer run

it holds me like a planet in orbit
making itself the center of my universe
yet it is the farthest thing from a bright star

so i just sit
staring into the darkness
but not seeing
only feeling
feeling the feeling of not wanting to feel

s.s

i feel drained
i'm constantly thinking
like a run on sentence
i have no room to breathe

s.s

blue in his eyes
blue in his veins
the type of chill
makes you insane
but he felt hot
kiss of a flame
pressed against skin
whisper my name
cool toned and blue
sets you aflame
looking laid back
playing the game

s.s

i believe
i wasn't ready to let go
because i felt oddly close to him
i felt a comfort i hadn't experienced before
like being with him was safer than being with myself
and a connection like that
doesn't come along every day

s.s

there are some things
i have only told
the endless sky
alone at night

for i have secrets
so dark
that only the black sky
and all of her stars
could handle

s.s

i love you
you don't get that do you
i get so upset
because i ******* care about you
but i am tired
of the agony
you keep on creating
like this life
is just
        a game
a game
i am losing
so go ahead
with your life
but keep me out of it
because you are dragging me
d
   o
      w
         n
and i am tired of fighting it

s.s

grip me up
kiss me love
hard
off guard
i'm giving up

giving in
with every touch
my head spins
almost too much

then melt
your tongue
with mine
running hands
across my spine

and slow it down
savor the feeling
stop time
send my mind reeling

hand through hair
kisses trailing
skin left bare

pull me in
hold me tight
grab what's yours
and you are mine

s.s

when asked
i always choose left

this must be just another way
i never make the right decision

s.s

silly boy
if you wanted her to be happy
you wouldn't have left

silly boy
don't tell her you miss her
you don't
we all know that

s.s

i am both the protagonist and antagonist
of my own story

every night i battle myself
weapon in hand
both defending and attacking
and the blood i shed
is traced with hypocrisy

i always tell myself i am better
than the devil i've created
yet occasionally i seem to overpower
my own good

so today
i went to war
to duel and defend
but i'm afraid tonight’s tale
did not have a happy end

s.s

speak at my funeral
spill tears at my grave
know you did your best
but i wasn't someone you could save

s.s

i am not okay
it is that simple

i left three of my classes today just to go breathe in the bathroom so my peers wouldn't see the tears forming in my eyes and i could stick to the lie that i'm doing fine without you

my day was **** because i saw you and you seem better than you've been in a long time and the fact you're so happy kills me to the point where i dont want to even look at you, but at the same time i'm glad you're doing well because i feel like hell and you dont deserve that

i kept thinking of you on the ride home and couldn't stop crying because your laugh just replayed in my head and the boy next to me wouldn't stop asking what was wrong but i told him nothing and his comforting pat on the shoulder just made me flinch  

i say i'm doing okay but my close friends see right through it so they hug my shaking shoulders and hold my trembling hands because they know how much i cared about you and how much this has hurt me

i dont want to go to school because i am afraid to see you because it ******* hurts not being able to hug you, feel your lips against mine, or even just talk about the **** going on in our lives

i wouldn't erase our memories from my head but if there was a pill that could fast forward time to the point where i am over you and the thought of you doesn't make me feel ******* miserable i would have swallowed five by now

i am not okay
it is just that simple

s.s

everything about you
was soft
from the way you brushed my hair away from my face
and gently kissed my cheek
to the way you rested your hand on my back
or slipped it securely into mine
everything was soft
except for the way you looked at me
for your eyes were hungry
and drowned in desire
but they were rough waters
i would love to slip under

s.s

all i can say
is that we tried
but even the strongest hurricanes
can dissipate among the ocean
before they ever taste the ground

s.s

if he called me up
at three in the morning
or came tapping at my walls
calling my name
i would lose
my few hours of sleep
just to hear his voice
and anything he had to say

s.s