you are going to die
that is a fact.
you will cease to breathe
you will become forgotten
it is unlikely that any of us will leave a legacy

we think it's far away
we have plenty of time left
why worry?
well,
have you ever talked to a dying person?
I mean someone who is literally on their death bed
they are facing the end of their life
they've always known that they are going to die
but when it comes to actually dying they're terrified
there's always too much left unsaid
they weren't spontaneous enough
or didn't do what they really wanted

they thought they had more time

so next time you aren't feeling brave
or hesitate before doing something you wanna do
just know
death is imminent
unavoidable
nothing you do really matters that much
in 1000 years no one will remember it
so go for it.

laugh as much as possible.
cry when you need to cry.
forgive and forget.
go get what you want.
don't be embarrassed by anything.
life is too ******* short
to not be brave
to hesitate
to not take that big step
or to even just say hi

and then there are nights
when I just feel like ****
useless, stupid, petty
I get jealous over the stupidest things
then I get angry at my anxiety
but what if it's not anxiety?

I'm so ugly
I have acne
I don't party
I'm not an exciting or fun time
I study too much
why would you love me?

no, stop,  you idiot
he cares so much about you
he'd do anything for you
stop belittling him
...but what if he gets bored?

It's during these nights
that I don't talk a lot
you wonder if I hate you
you worry I might break up with you

baby I love you so much
I just sometimes wonder
how do you love me?
I can't even love myself

i woke up this morning and felt nothing
my anxiety was gone
my sadness was gone
my pain was gone
my happiness was gone
my excitement was gone
my joy was gone

i went about my day
just a typical day
smiled, laughed, worked, came home
my boyfriend asked how i was
same answer as usual; fine

my eyes tired
my mind numb
no energy for emotion
no explanation or reason

so I will go to bed
and feel nothing

I love talking to you
about how your hands got full of grease at work
I love talking to you
about how you want to raise our children on your grandmas farm
I love talking to you
about the amazing scrambled eggs you make
I love talking to you
about how you love when I stroke the hair behind your ear

and I also love talking to you
about how your boss gives you too much work
and about how you can't sleep at night
and about how much your father ****** you off
and about how much you miss your grandpa
and about your horrible coughing fits

I wanna hear about small victories throughout the day
I wanna hear about what you ate for dinner
I wanna hear about your favourite shirt getting ruined
I wanna hear about the kittens you found behind your house

I want to know you
and talk to you
and listen to your stories
because I love you

your hands
calloused with the evidence of hard work and pain
your arms
strong and thick from carrying the burdens of life
your back
solid and sore from constant stress
your eyes
sunken and tired

but oh your hands
so soft when they trace my lips
your arms
so tender when you hold me
your back
supporting me through every affliction
your eyes
filled with nothing but love

I get upset at you
not because you do anything wrong
you make me feel loved
you listen to me when I've had a rough day and need to talk
you hold me when I just need to be held

I get upset at you
because I'm upset at myself
for letting you in
for letting you love me

I get upset at you
because I hate having something to lose
I hate feeling this much
I hate losing control

I get upset at you
because you make it impossible
for me to be upset at you

his scent
lingering
on
my skin
my clothes
my bed
my hair
my memories of him

his scent
like cologne and morning kisses
like sunlight peeping in through the shutters
like innocent smiles and laughter laced with love

his scent
reminds me of everything good
and pure in the world

i want his scent all over me
but now
i get it
in fading wafts of air

his scent
to be gone forever
my love
your scent

because she built him up so high
that when he looked down from his castle
he realized
he no longer needed her

and I looked at you all the time
you were my best friend
but this was different
it was in that moment
through laughter
and inside jokes
when I looked up at you
and realized
by god
  
  I love this person

I love you
so deeply
and not in the way of butterflies
or nervous glances
or sweaty palms
but
in the way of calmness when you enter a room
in the way that I can see a future with you
where you kiss me goodnight
where we drink sweet tea on the porch and watch the sunset
we exchange gentle kisses
and hold each other
through hurt
and through everything bad in the world
I love you

when I first met him
he was a friend
years passed, we barely talked
I was too distracted by looks
and people who didn't love me
I didn't even see him
and now
now he's all I see
but he's moved on from me
he found someone else
someone who noticed his smile
and his gentle ways
and kind heart
someone who will treat him better than I
all because I missed it
I missed him
because I was too busy
focusing on beautiful facades
and dollar bills
to see him