I never understood the science of missing somebody
I know biology has an explanation for why we miss someone,
but why,
why is there a need for it?
why does it occur almost immediately,
seconds even after
our skins collided?
why should I miss something that is not entirely my own?
why
must
this
be
the
prerequisite
to
falling
in
love?

i believe,
even the stars
get tired.

when the night sky
had folded them away
back into the darkness

and the moon,
that lonesome thing,
has doused itself in shadows.

so will you too, my friend
shy away from the light
as if it would burn
if it reached you.

maybe you feel,
you just are not strong enough
to face the day.

that the midnight hour
is a broken thing

and oh, the silence
is deafening.

and you and i know, even the stars
are tired.

you mourn for them
as their light expires.

once in a while,
love changes form
it turns from a sweet sunrise
to a sad sunset
a beautiful love song
to a melancholic tune
and though love hurts
when it changes forms
love will always be love
through the rain and fire
love prevails the change in intensity
and that's what I learned the day I learned
to let my anger,
go.

sometimes, I fall into deep despair,
plagued with thoughts
and
remembering every moment,
and second
that hurt.
I feel like a failure for every moment
that I cause anger,
that I cause you to get lost,
that I cause a change,
sometimes for the worst.
Maybe its true
that I everything I touch
with my heavy hands,
shatters at some point,
and
it is what I end,
picking up.
Its why I always end up with
broken
and
bleeding hands.

Only this time,
I swear,
this too shall pass.

the first time I ever saw you
I knew
I knew,
I could like you for a long time
and that your face would always be engraved
in my mind,
in my heart.

perhaps, I wasted too many time.
perhaps, I am a little too late.
but I never forget the first time I ever saw you.
I knew,
I knew.

maybe i’m no longer suffering.
maybe this is just the after shock.
maybe, i don’t miss you anymore.
maybe i’m just experiencing what’s left of me
maybe, it isn’t supposed to be like this.
its been while but i still feel the same.
and maybe its because of you.

life is a constant struggle and sometimes i’m just lost.
i don’t know how to deal with it.
i just want to get a life mentor sometimes
so i know if things are worth it.
i’ve read so much about life but i find it hard to actually apply everything i’ve learned.
i realized.
i’m still on my journey.
*its okay not to have things figured out.

to you, my sweet,
my sunshine --
thank you.
for carrying me through the rough waters,
the rock bottom and my own perilous self --
for holding me with your steady hands
after i stumbled and fell into what felt like a chasm
filled with anxiety and despair
for being resolute,
despite my unwillingness to move --
thank you.

i do not know what i did, or what i have done,
to deserve someone so beautiful and kind.

for all that you did and all that you've done,
i will remember,
for always.

I will forget how you sound.
I will forget how you formed words between your lips.
I will forget how bright my days were when you smiled at me and how dark my hours were when you smothered me with pain and regret.
I will forget how you called my name.
I will forget how warm your body was pressed against mine.
I will forget how cold it was the day you left and how time seemed to freeze at that moment.
I will forget the dark days. I will forget how your lips tasted.
I will forget the future I mapped out for us.

Someday.
One Day.
Today.

stop saying you're miserable
because you don't know misery
it hasn't landed on your doors
nor has it ever been on your feet.

misery is a concept you're trying so hard to get to
and you destroy people to get to it
you cause misery
you are misery to people
but you will never feel misery
nor will you be able to claim
you're in misery
because misery is only for the good

your kisses are made of heaven
and you somehow made me forget about
all the other kisses i have ever had

ever since your lips laid on mine
i could not stop thinking about it
and how i wish
it will always find its way to my lips
again and again
until you finally whisper that
you love me.

for every day that you're gone
i'm scared i'd lose you even more
you are so close,
yet so far away.
when will this fear come to an end?

you said you were scared of losing me
i guess one day
you just decided to conquer your fears then,
i guess one day
you decided it was time to leave me,
i guess one day,
you decided, i was not worth it any longer.

they say time heals all wounds,
but i guess,
i wasn't just wounded,
when i lost you,
for after all this time,
i still bleed for you.

its been a long time,
since i've talked with you
and its been a longer time
since i've had you
near me.

for a while, i thought i was done
with all spectrum of emotions i felt for you.
for a while, i thought i no longer cared.
all those times were all in vain,
for i still miss you,
more than ever.

its all just hitting me now
every bone
every fiber
every nerve of me
is finally absorbing the shock
and
the thought of you,
gone,
and away from me.

i wish you'd come back.
**or rather, i wish i never left

I beg you to not be temporary.
I beg you to be the one with me at 3 am
I beg you to take me seriously
because underneath all the jokes,
the laughter,
your frustration towards me,
I am slowly
gravitating
towards
you
in the most human
and vulnerable
way possible.
I beg you to stay.
I just can’t say it yet
because every time I do,
the opposite occurs
so I’ll write about it.
I’m falling in love
with
you
and
its
stupid.
So please.
I beg you not to run away with my heart.
I beg you to stay
for a while.

The sakura whispers
with the softness of first light,
but it burgeons,
as all brave hearts do,

it drapes its limbs
in the tender cradle of the breeze,
sending roots deep
to clutch the heart of the earth.

And when it blooms,
oh, how it blooms,
with the ferocity
of a love that refuses silence,

as if it alone
were chosen to guard
the fragile blush
of dawn,

its petals holding
the light,
infusing its essence
as it reaches for the sky,
yearning for the sun's warmth
and the rain's solace.

Sakura hesitates
in the moment before unfolding,
for it knows
that beauty unfolds in its own sacred time -

Life is a tender whisper
in the vastness,
and to blossom at all
is an act of divine grace.

my sweet darling,
this is my confession to you --
to not be with you
to not go out and look for you
is the most difficult challenge
and the hardest form of love
i will ever do.

i lost the other half of my self within you
and i have not been able to get it back
ever since
you and  i
fell apart.

i know you do not want me to seek for you
i know you want me to let you go
and i have, in all the ways i can
but my heart cannot,
my mind cannot set you free
for i bound myself to you and only you
for ages to last.

and though some days i attempt to unchain myself,
it is you,
ultimately,
only you,
and your love --
that can set me free.


if you choose to love me right this time,
and destiny decides to tear us apart,
then i will know --
i shall know,
that you've set me free,
the universe and you,
have set me free.

I’ve been having nightmares and mostly about you – the you in the future, the one who’s bound to un-love me anyways, regardless of how well our love story turns out. It pains me to have nightmares about those because I know at one point it will become a reality. In those dreams, its always one and the same, the moment where I lose you, the moment where I have to let you go and the moment where I have to give you up because you’re bound for better things and I am just a moment that passed by.

I’ve been trying not to count the moments I have with you but I can’t help it at times. I feel like every day could be the last and I cannot begin to think of when that day comes. I know I’ll never be ready. I know that these dreams will never get me to be prepared for the biggest nightmare, that is, the day that I lose you.

i'm back to being just a star
in your universe
and while you seek for a brighter star,
i will still be here,
until the universe decides,
it isn't meant to be.

as I sat down one day,
I tried to remember you,
to think of you,
to write about you.
I could not form the words that I wanted to say --
the words I wanted you to hear
the words I wanted you to see.

as I sat down one day,
I heard your laugh at the edge of my ears,
I saw the flash of your smile from the corner of my eyes,
I smelled the scent of your hair from the tip of my nose.

I wish I never sat down that one day.
Sadness was what it brought me,
for I can only remember the good in you,
and
I
still
can't
find
myself
for I am lost in the worst part of you.

as I sat down one day,
I remembered,
I disintegrated.

A - girl filled with exciting stories,
D - aring me to take constant adventures and to  
V - enture out of my comfort zone,
E - nter her world and
N - avigate through her
T - ormented heart

and
stay,
until she feels
that
I could be the one to complete
her unspoken adventures,
her need for sorrow
the freedom and chains
she wants
and needs

every night i lie awake
thinking when will I finally be able to sleep
without thinking about you
the past
and the future

those rare moments where I do get sleep,
i keep having the same dreams
and they're all about you

when will this madness stop?
when will i find peace in my slumber?

i once swore on dew filled grass
i would not dare
to make that sin.
but
for you, I did.
for you, I huffed
and puffed
for you, I crossed the line.


as you ignited the devil in me,
my old self felt betrayed
for it was
a promise --
a promise to myself
but
some promises are indeed
made to be broken

if there's one thing i am sure of
however,
it is that,
i'm willing to let go of my inhibitions
my worries,
retired promises,
for us.

you are the sin,
the mischief i've managed
the glorious forbidden
lady of my life.

you were his star
but to me you are the universe
you were his relentless sea wave
but to me you are the ocean

i am just a star, and
darling
you light up the sky
above me,
because you
are
my universe

our exchanges have been magical,
you and i.

i'd like to gather all the moments we've had so far --
even the ones we shared in silence  
and lay it out for us to be wrapped in them.
the feeling of being surrounded by even just the sound of your voice soothes me,
and that is enchanting for me.

perhaps i'm caught in a spell,
the incantation, however is nonexistent as i
simply see you for what you are
and i am truly delighted,
ecstatic,
and overflowing.

perhaps its not a trick,
not an allure,
and definitely not a spell.
perhaps its me finally falling for the magic,
the hearth,  
not the witch.

darling, crossing paths with you was like seeing fire for the first time --
ablaze and ardent and truly unprecedented.

in the velvet of night,
cradled by the sway of our breaths,
alcohol painting our whispers,
i confessed a thousand I love you's
into the sanctuary of your arms.
it struck me,
with the force of a meteor shower,
the sheer magnitude of my desire
for you to be a constant star in my galaxy.
the miles between us,
a chasm filled with the echoes of our laughter,
taught me the bittersweet symphony of our impossibility.
yet,
in the fleeting dance of our togetherness,
i found clarity in the chaos —
a declaration,
carved into the marrow of my bones,
that you are the anchor in my ever-shifting tides.
i will set my sails to the rhythm of the sea,
charting a course through waters both wild and serene.
but know that in the depths of my soul,
it is your name that is etched as my true north.

for my heart is irrevocably yours —
this, the only certainty in my odyssey.

As we grow, we come to realize,
there is no wrong time.
The people we meet are those that come
based on the choices we make in our life
and the people we come to love
and receive love from
happen to have the same circumstance revolving around them.

Timing is always our excuse.
That’s always been my excuse.
For the longest time,
I believed I had everything but the timing.
Timing was always off,
until one day,
I woke up and realized it was I,
that ultimately sabotaged everything.
It wasn’t time that ******* us up,
it was me,
and in that moment I realized,
time will never be an illusion to me again.
I will never use time to barricade myself
and fortify my pride and my guilt.

There is no wrong time --
wrong choices, yes but never the wrong time
for anything, or everything to happen.

perhaps i will always just be a supporting character
to everyone's story.
never the protagonist,
nor the antagonist,
not even the deuteragonist.
i'm just a minor character,
a passerby,
someone to fill in the show.
because when a damsel like you called for the hero,
and i came running,
tending to your wounds,
you kissed me thanks,
and bid me goodbye.
and then you sat there and waited
again,
and tore out the already healing scar.

there and then i realized,
i'm not a hero,
not in your story anyway.
i could never be,
for you chose not to see me.

some days I wished for things
that just can't be
some days I yearn for your realizations
some days I want to be your only star
but those are the days where I completely agonize myself
from foolishness
from selfishness
and in my despair
I found rationalization
that some things are not meant to be thought,
said
or done
but only on some days.

i never believed in wrong timing,
just wrong people
but with you,
i found myself saying -- "i wish i met you earlier,"
or "i wish i met you later,".
i' m now convinced that timing really is a tragic thing,
and oh how it destroys what could have been.

in another timeline perhaps i made it past your walls --
the ones you've built around yourself,
preventing anything and anyone
from going in and out of your heart.
maybe, at that moment,
one far different from this version we both traverse through,
you and i were unscathed,
untarnished,
undamaged.

in a separate dimension,
my heart hopes,
there exists a you and i.

you are an entire symphony all on your own
and i'm hoping to be granted a
chance to be a measure
a movement
in the music
that is you

perhaps,
some people will never truly leave.
they'll always be inside of you,
crushing your bones
and
setting your very heart on fire
whilst their blood still courses through your veins
like kerosene.

But, alas, that proved our undoing, my love.
When the hour arrived to bid you farewell,
And consign you to an earthen crypt,
I could not bring myself to release you.

And so, I descended to the underworld,
Where I offered my soul to the grim reaper,
In exchange for a reprieve from your loss.
He accepted my offering without a second thought,
Devouring my essence whole, without a shred of mercy.

Yet, through it all, I felt not a single twinge of pain.
For the agony of losing you was far greater,
Than any torment, the reaper could inflict upon me.

i want to destroy this part of me
that yearns for you,
that aches for you,
because it mourns your absence.
i wake up to each new day in torment.
my mind says no,
but my heart pleads for you.
logic tells me you'll never come back
and that i should pack it up and move forward.
but you've opened the irrational part of me,
the one that believes in feelings and humanity,
and it asks for me to be patient,
to go on and carry whatever i feel for you,
in blind faith.

its a terrible thing,
to have hope
and something you hold dear.
i'm hoping i can eradicate every part of me
that feels for you
and hopes for your eventual return.
nevermind what my heart wants,
you don't want any part of it anyway.

Perhaps one day I’ll understand why we were never made to last.
Perhaps one day I’ll get used to the idea that you were never the one.
I know in some corners of my mind, I still hope you are but maybe I’m just in love with the memory of you — the perfect you.
But, I’m hoping maybe one day I’ll grow weary of waiting.
Perhaps, one day I’ll finally
be able to say I have let myself go
from voluntarily shackling myself
in your hand that was long gone.

last night,
there were tears in my eyes and i chuckled for a moment.
after so many days,
i finally have the time to think about what just transpired.
i finally have the time to remember you,
to think about the chaos,
the storm you brought in me.
i'm left feeling distraught, not with you but with myself for allowing it.
why didn't i fight the urge to go near you?
logic never saved me, it only made matters worse.
i tried to rationalize every part of you that didn't make any sense.
i tried to explain why every moment we part,
everything burns.
i'm still burning, only the flames are bigger.
and you're still the catalyst.

i took only a piece of your heart
and made a mess of things

and all that followed
was a wreckage

i had meant for us to heal
and instead,
i carved deeper wounds

please forgive me
for my transgressions.

i did not know how to love you,
i was even worse at losing you

And, oh, this heart
Bears an abundance of sorrow,
While my soul is left
With pockets barren and void.

Today, I tended to my tulips,
Uncertain if they would bloom,
Once, I planted their bulbs with care,
But now, with labor, I presume.

When I was healthy and whole,
I sowed these seeds with grace,
When I could rise from bed with ease,
And greet the morning's face.

Not truly happy, but somewhat better,
I watched them grow with care,
Their petals the color of the sunset's ember,
Or the golden sun's fiery glare.

Instead of my apathy,
I must write with a softer hue,
Perhaps this is a new beginning,
Or an old one, anew.

I strive to be strong and sound,
Ate breakfast and took a walk,
Though the battle within still goes around,
And my arms remain locked.

The urge to harm myself, a foe,
But my tulips may yet bloom,
Perhaps this means I can let go,
And let old wounds resume.

I fear to reveal hidden scars,
But today, I tended with my all,
My tulips that I thought might falter,
Perhaps I can again stand tall.

little by little
i saw your fire dying.
i kept looking at your direction,
kept igniting myself,
whilst i ignored the fact that you voluntarily allowed yourself
to cool down,
and be doused.

what happened to our fire, baby?
you told me you'd love me not until the stars die,
but until they fade into nothing but darkness.
a scenario that wasn't going to happen,
not in our lifetime anyway.
but here i am, my hearth and my love,
still burning so feverishly for you.
whilst yours died,
reduced to ashes,
blown away.


tell me,
what happened to our fire, baby?

you are the ghost,
and i am now the home that you are haunting
to this day.

i am all empty and quiet,
the wreckage,
devoid of sunlight.

i still keep you
as if it serves a purpose

i am not hollow
if i nurture you,
if i allow you to linger
amidst the darkness.

there will be no healing,
no rebuilding.

i cannot make a home
out of a ruin.

but perhaps,
i can make a grave
and bury in it
all the memories of you i’ve saved
as if they were a lifeline
to the time
when you were still here,
and i was still there with you

and i can stay forever
with you