you are the ghost,
and i am now the home that you are haunting
to this day.

i am all empty and quiet,
the wreckage,
devoid of sunlight.

i still keep you
as if it serves a purpose

i am not hollow
if i nurture you,
if i allow you to linger
amidst the darkness.

there will be no healing,
no rebuilding.

i cannot make a home
out of a ruin.

but perhaps,
i can make a grave
and bury in it
all the memories of you i’ve saved
as if they were a lifeline
to the time
when you were still here,
and i was still there with you

and i can stay forever
with you

little by little
i saw your fire dying.
i kept looking at your direction,
kept igniting myself,
whilst i ignored the fact that you voluntarily allowed yourself
to cool down,
and be doused.

what happened to our fire, baby?
you told me you'd love me not until the stars die,
but until they fade into nothing but darkness.
a scenario that wasn't going to happen,
not in our lifetime anyway.
but here i am, my hearth and my love,
still burning so feverishly for you.
whilst yours died,
reduced to ashes,
blown away.


tell me,
what happened to our fire, baby?

my friend,
in the morning
the sun might not
reach your floors
but it will still shine
outside.
bright, and blazing
as it always will be.

and the flowers
might not bloom
in time to greet you
but they are growing
and growth takes time

and the coffee
might not be enough
to wake you
from your slumber
but it will belong
in the palms of your hands.

i cannot promise
that life will soften
at any point,
or that the world will be gentle
enough for you to live
without bleeding,

but i can promise
that if you keep breathing,
you stand the chance
to change the life you’re leading
into a future you can call home.
you deserve that life ahead of you.

and even if
you do it all alone
the world is made better
for harboring your heart

that loves all things
life has torn apart
and gives them the peace
they have been dying for.

you are the healing
that comes after the war,
the strength that helps
others rise from their knees.

you are the heartbeat
amidst the suffering,

the humanity itself,
amidst the stone.

it is you who opens the blinds
to let the sunlight in.

it is you who reminds the birds
that it is time to fly again.

and i am sorry,
we could not be the same for you.

my friend,

if you were afraid
of dying alone

of having lived
without purpose

of staying
of leaving

without anyone
to recall your name,

rest easy, rest easy,
rest easy.

we will remember you,
i will remember you.

you kiss me the way nobody ever has before.
not without expecting something in return.
and here i am sick and runny-nosed and you love me anyway
you love me in a whole new way,
but it is honest,
genuine.
you love me, hesitantly at first
and then you threw yourself into it,
and so did i.

and suddenly i am looking at the stars
through light polluted skies;
suddenly i am finding you in all my favorite songs
suddenly,
you are my favorite song
and my favourite eyes,
my favorite,
and you feel how i imagine what home feels like.
baby, i'm home.

Tick-tock, time flows,
And winter, soon departing goes,
Or has it gone, already flown?
Tick-tock, time marches on.

But I, I've lingered long,
Like a statue, not so strong.
All bones and skin and agony,
Pouring into itself constantly.

Sleep eludes my weary soul,
But worse, I've forgotten my role,
Lost the penance I swore to keep,
Left alone with a cost too steep.

My soul, not worried, but I'm concerned,
For the price of redemption to be earned
Is insurmountable, so high,
The greatest suffering, nigh.

Tick-tock, time moves on,
Soon I'll be gone, long withdrawn,
And none will notice, I've disappeared,
For I, never belonged here.

These past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out
What exactly am I apologetic for?
Was it because I lost you?
or was it because I lost myself in you?

I am sorry I could not be the light in your darkness.
I am truly sorry.

I will not be sorry for anything more, for you.

you'd break the curse
you wouldn't leave
you and i will always be together
we'd make it
you'll see the end of it
you love me.



loved me.

"where is your happy place?"
you asked,
and from then on i knew,
i was going to war
your mind functions like no other,
for the first time,
i find myself challenged.
"who are you?" my mind bellows,
I knew I wanted to know you,
I knew it in me,
that I will lose all my rationality again,
my mind will be blank,
a canvas to be filled with whatever art
your mind,
your thoughts has to offer.

i had a good day,
and in some, nay, most of those moments,
i couldn't help but think of how we used to be,
and how we would be,
if you were there walking beside me.

how do i escape what's in my head?
how do i free myself from the voluntary shackles i've put in my hands?
how do i retrieve the keys that i've allowed you to swallow unknowingly?

tell me,
how exactly do i walk away from all that's been said and done between the two of us?

11 p.m. shaky
"Please tell me what went wrong," I asked.
I never thought I'd get overlooked again.
Even when I've given my best, I still come second.
Truly it is hard to compete with desires and memories.
I laughed with tears, and then those tears turned to real sadness.
I've been let down before.
So why does it still hurt me as first love would?
Why does it hurt so much more than just the sting of a bee?

12 a.m. endure
"I can't keep doing this to you," you said.
I thought, "No!" almost immediately. "How dare you turn weak on me?"
What have I not done to be unable to deserve you, to keep you?
How is it possible for me to lose someone even when I've done everything I could to keep her?
How can I lose you over your interest in making me stop enduring?

1 a.m. nowhere
Silence.
You said almost nothing.
The sounds came mostly from tears escaping your eyes and me forming words, begging you to please stay.
I almost lost you there.
I remember it hurting so much.
I had to punch the wall next to me.
I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Would you have given up on our next fight had I not brought this one up?
What would my feelings bring this time?
Shall I hide for good?

2 a.m. confession
"I did things and I don't know why."
I had to cover my mouth with pillows so you wouldn't hear me at my worst weep for pain.
The worst part was, deep down, I knew.
I felt it.
I felt your best-kept secrets before you even confessed to me.
I wanted to shout but who would listen to me?
I knew that I just had to keep trusting even if you have shot me a million times.
Truth is, I'd rather be hurting than be happy without you.
That's not happiness. Not to me anyway.
I don't even want to hurt you.
I just want you to love me.
Fully.
But I guess that is not meant for me now.

3 a.m. respite
"I love you."
I love you even if you bleed my heart out.
I will see this through.
The question isn't how much I love you but how much you're willing to do to see it through.
The answer to our problem isn't out there but here.
I wish you would realize just how happy I am with you and that these minor roadblocks are here to test your endurance.
How much are you willing to put me through?
The solution is not to give up.
Every day is a new chance and without asking for it, I've given you so many and I'm only asking for a little bit of chance to be loved in return.
Will you still love me even if my heart's in pieces already?
I promise nothing will be missing.
Do I need to hurt you to be unforgettable too?
Does my heart need to be in pieces before you start remembering about my feelings?

if i could sum up all the parts,
all the scenes that happened,
and the role i played in your life,
i don't think i would it would amount
to anything at all.
i would still come up short,
or perhaps,
it would still feel like it was all for nothing,
because it was a all a lie,
an illusion.
the only thing that was real was what i felt.
but you couldn't need it.
so when you looked around,
asking if anyone out there loved you,
begged for someone to care about you,
you couldnt see me,
you only saw her,
from far away,
and what you wanted from her.
all while i held you closely.

the heart stops for sunset
the mind during sunrise,
my soul for yours
with no measure,
just an infinite loop
to stop at your smile,
voice
and
sighs.

i love her,
more than i ever
will be able to quantify,
and more than she will ever know.

some days,
i need a pair of arms
to fall into,
that feel more like home
than an open door

other days,
i want to be kept
the way the devout
keep their prayers

or the way sinners
keep their forgiveness
pressed in their palms

i've always wanted to belong
to someone
who didn’t need to stay

someone who chose me anyway
in spite of the mess i carry,
and the disarray

this time,
i need this girl,
her,
to be okay
with my weaknesses

And i promise,
i will love her, still,
and i hope,
she loves me the same.

i kiss her,
and she whispers my name
as i do so,
and i hope it won't ever hurt her
to say it

when i pull away,
her eyes glitter
and shimmer
and i hope it stays that way
for always.

she holds me close,
and it feels like home.

i didn't really quantify to anything,
did i?
i was just a tool,
an object,
a ship that passed by,
eventually harboring affections for you,
a bridge to help you cross the stream of your tears.

somewhere along the way,
you realized,
you liked drowning.
the lines everywhere blurred.
you liked where the tears were coming from,
never mind the sturdiness
and stability i offered,
you still wanted to drown.
you didn't take my hand,
and you don't want to be saved.


not by me anyway.

The conclusion of our world, my love,
Does not meet its end with a faint sigh
Nor a resounding explosion.

Instead, it fades into an unbroken hush,
As the cosmos is interred in peaceful stillness.

The gods ask me,
As to how I have persevered,
And I share with them my secret.

For even in the face of everlasting solitude,
The void resounds with the melody of your name.

how can you be both
the demon and the angel
inside of my head?
the very thought of you
starts a cascade of emotions,
both the good and the bad,
and an endless stream of memory,
that seems to replay from
beginning to the end with no form of escape.
what am i to do?
my mind seems to enjoy the demons you inspire,
and my heart misses the angel you were.
what am i to do?
the demon that i hope to finally see you as,
just led me to a deeper understanding that
all my thoughts and emotions point to you.

i never fell for the angel,
it was when you showed me
your darkness,
the demon inside of you,
and all around you,
that's where i fell.

my darling,
there is nothing
i can offer
but what's inside my hollow ribs --
a paper heart filled with words
so endless,
yet
so easily burns.

we embarked on our journey together with a kiss --
a kiss with tears embedded in that memory.
a kiss with tears still forming in your eyes
as you remembered a former lover,
your almost.
ultimately, we ended our journey together with a kiss --
a kiss with tears swimming from our eyes,
trickling down to our lips.
a kiss that meant the end of me for you,
as you did the same thing your former lover did,
and became my almost.

in another life
we are in your heart
and you are whole
and you are home

and you recognize
the love everyone has for you
and you don't feel alone

and you do not break
where you stand

in another life,
you would not be the person
you thought you became

and the sound
of the names of your failures
does not bring you
to your knees.

they do not wound you
or make you bleed

they do not destroy
what we held so dearly.

in another life
you choose to stay

and
you do not disappear.

forgive me,
you are too beautiful to be this burdened.
i'm sorry you carry so much on your shoulder.
and none that passes could take it away from you.
for the key to unlocking you,
breaking you free from your voluntary shackles,
lies not within me but on someone else.

forgive me,
for a second i thought, i could liberate you.
i believed in my patience
and the warmth i bring.
i thought i could light you up
like fireworks,
instead i'm the one that ended up in flames,
while you continue to seek that which you have lost,
her spark.

forgive me for my delusions,
and ideas of grandeur.
i was wrong to think,
that we could've had something wonderful,
that i could've changed your mind,
and that i could've made the one to make you stay.

for a second i thought i had you there,
some of you,
most of you,
perhaps all of you,
and then none of you at all.

darling, no,
the coffee
won’t keep you and i
awake

and the breakfast you just had,
will not fill you.

the sun itself will still shine
but it will not reach
your floors

and the moon
will not win
over the shadows.

it will be striking silence
that greets you
when you make it outside,

and you will find,
the world still turns
without you.

and you'll know that if you love,
sometimes,
you will lose.

prayers will fall
on deafened ears,

no hands will rise
to dry your tears

and life
will keep marching on.

it does not end
when you are gone.

but wait, darling,
a moment,
before you leave.

do not abandon me
to grieve,

do not leave me behind.

because even though the world
might be fine
and all the stars
will still inevitably,
shine,

i cannot attest
to what will be left
of mine.

it is you who have kept
the beats in my chest
and finally,
gave my soul a home.

i know,
i cannot possibly do this
on my own

so stay,
i beg of you,
please stay,
with me.

baby,
without you,
there is no poetry.

please,
don't go,
no,
not yet.
not just yet.

i still carry so many regrets,
so many things i have yet to confess.

my chest is still filled with buried apologies,
ones i meant to press
at the palm of your hands,
and into the hollows of your heart.

i meant to patch up whatever i broke,
tore apart and ultimately destroyed,
but in the end,
there was nothing i could do
to end the pain,
yours and mine.

since then i have not mustered the strength
to stand again,
when i had already fallen to my knees.

you once tried to reach me,
but i was irreparable,
i could not be saved.
i tried to let go of all the love
you once had for me
and now,
i've created ghosts from our memories.

you once tried to heal me from my sufferings,
but i only inflicted more wounds,
even on you.
i could not find a way to love you,
without wrecking everything.

in case you're wondering,
no,
i don't expect you to forgive me
i don't expect you to love me again.

but please,
don't go just yet.
i cling on to so many regrets still.

i am sorry, i am sorry,
i am sorry.

The night was dark, and for that I was grateful.
I could not see your eyes.
If I did, I would lose myself even more.
For in your voice I heard the bitterness,
something no longer there.
Your voice was that of a stranger.
A stranger I haven't met,
a stranger far different from the one,
I came to love.

For a second, I thought you were angry.
I wanted to believe that you were.
I imagined a reaction,
an emotion.
Anything.
Because I could not stand, indifference.
I could not bear the pain of suddenly being unable to recognize,
what was on your mind,
what was in your heart.

And that was something,
I did not wish to see in your eyes.
For the eyes, can never lie.

And if I saw it,
and confirmed it,
my eyes won't lie either.
It will tell you I love you,
and yours will say no, thank you.

as i peered into the darkness
it stared back at me

and in that moment,
i felt everything
and nothing of my apathy

in that moment,
i learned that the void
wasn’t empty.

it just echoed
around the absence
of what i missed the most.

can you imagine my surprise
when i yelled your name
and it replied back to me?

my darling, you are the enormity
of my universe.

you are my end
and my beginning

and everything else in between.

so come home to me, my love,
come home to me.

you traded your demons
for ones that are easier to hide

you wanted to get better
and i know, you valiantly tried,

but you also offered them a home
in the hollow of your chest,

you gave them the darkness
and let them rest.

and when they woke
and gnawed on your bones

you fed them your heartbeat
as if you could atone

for all the wreckage
your hands have wrought,

as if you could find the peace
that you have sought.

but they knew, i know,
and they grew in size,

now they live under your tongue
and tell your lies.

i know you are not strong
you are not brave

you grab your shovel,
you dig your grave

and you crawl right in
and close your eyes.

they can keep a secret
and so can you

there's nothing i can do more but write,
hoping i'll eventually run dry
and have no more to say for you
and for all that we had.
i'm hoping i'll get tired of looking at you from afar,
and wishing we had more time.
i'm hoping i'll villanize you enough
to hate what you've done to me,
and what you've succeeded, unknowingly.

you really hurt me this time,
deeply.
all your words came crashing down,
like a bomb that deployed into a million missiles.
the target was one,
me,
but the casualty was millions --
millions of pieces of my heart breaking,
the first time i've ever felt it do so.
your words pierced like a hundred arrows
that werent aimed at me,
yet i bled,
because i was in the way,
and it got me anyway.

one day i'll get over you,
and i'll walk away from all this mess,
with a smile.
but for now, i'm drowning,
unable to breathe,
or swim away from the destruction.
and even though you've set me free,
and that i should look at the bigger picture,
my mind can't help but be in the details.
one day,
i'll forget.
one day,
you won't be here in me.
one day,
i'll be okay.

i know you think you are forgettable.
that you are what is left after all else is gone.

you are the moment that held on
for a little too long
before everything finally concluded.

you are the wound
that never mended
but perhaps,
during those times,
you healed just enough
to stop the bleeding
and stop the pain.

you are the fall
that never bloomed,
and never rose again.
the petals that never grew.

you are the girl
who loved,
and eventually lost.

the girl who did not matter enough
for her to remember your name.

maybe you are the same
as the dust motes in the dying light
with their fragile flight,
hopeless,
as they disappear.

you never quite belonged to where you are now.
so you feel, the place never reaches for you.

there is nothing this place,
and maybe she as well,
wants to keep from you,
and you are not permanent enough to be asked to stay.

not even your words can fight to be permanent,
and she will forget all the letters you've written.

but you've done what you can do,
and you've done it all too well.
you've made your own path,
even in a place overgrown.
you’ve changed the
morning and the
mountains for her.

you've done what you can do,
and you've done it all too well.
i'm sorry,
i'm sorry.

please,
go slow, go gentle,
learn to hesitate,
before you let yourself fall.

before you risk it all,
on someone else,
you must first protect yourself
before you let it all go.

you'll never know
how they will choose to hold your heart.
it could all fall apart
in the palm of their hands.

and then you will not be able to stand
again.

you will be on your knees
begging for their mercy
or reprieve,

you will once again
succumb to your grief
as it carries you home.
you will be left alone,
yet again,
to your own suffering
and there will be nothing
to dry your tears.

you will dissolve,
and disappear,
into your despair,
a penance you will have to bear
as it swallows you whole.

so please, my dear friend,
protect your soul
because it is too precious to break.

i cannot bear to know you ache
deeper than everyone else,

you do not belong on the shelf
i reserve for those that are broken,
as another poem for the lost,
that is too great a cost
that i cannot dare to pay.

go slowly, my friend,
hesitate.
stay.

do not jump and fall away
if someone will not become your wings.

you do not deserve the ending
that comes from the far fall.

you do not deserve to be hurt
at all.

its the break of dawn
and the colors of the sky,
reminds me of our time together.
it was when you captured
my heart,
and my soul.

its the break of dawn
and there is stillness in everything.
the light slowly creeping in,
taking over the darkness,
reminds me of the time,
you put your head on my shoulder
and i felt the happiest.
it was a moment i was positive,
time moved slowly.
my lack of movement
was not because i was frozen
but because time stood still for me.
you willingly closed the distance between us,
making me yours, unknowingly.

its the break of dawn again,
and here i am, still awake at this very hour,
trying to forget,
trying to disassociate you from everything.
because when the light finally touches my face,
i remember that you're gone and
it won't ever be like it was before the light.

its the break of dawn,
and my heart is broken.

there were times
when all you needed
was a soft place to fall
and nobody extended
their arms to catch you

but i hoped,
a blackbird would startle
and flap her wings
and bunker further
into her nest
and the sound of her chicks
whispering back to her
was enough to keep you going.

and there were times
when you needed a hand to hold
but all you could grasp
were the shadows,

but then the moon
would pour liquid silver
to light your way
and it was enough
to make you stay.

and then,
there were times
when you were so alone
that the ghosts in your chest
felt more like home
than the people around you,

but your cousin’s laughter
would echo down the halls
enough to suspend your fall

and though you are aching
and though you are breaking
the way all things do

i'd like you to know,
that this life is worth living
in spite of it all.

baby, it is two in the morning
and i have seen every hour
since the beginning of the week.

i no longer sleep,
because there’s nothing left
for me to retain
except for the memories
that ruin me like ghosts
and i am now the building
they haunt.

i am no longer a home,
because home is where the heart is
and mine is where i left it,

in your hands,
broken and fallen apart,
in the spines of books
and the spaces of my letters,
in everything

just so that it isn’t in me anymore.

i can no longer bear it, really.

it is two in the morning,
and the ghosts are stirring
from the shadows of my walls.

i do not miss you at all.

i think.

You tell me your fears,
and i tell you i'll be here.
I thought it would make me weaker than I already am
but it made me want to pick
up my
sword
and lash through
all the challenges
that might
come on our way
because I want nothing more
than to prove you wrong
and be
with you
until you ask me to go.

in your eyes
and
in your smile
i saw a flash of hope
that i could be redeemed
from this hole that i jumped into.
a living hell.
i am hoping that one day
you'll reach out,
take my arms and pull me back to the surface
so I can --
we can,
begin again.

darling,
if you ever come home to me,

your favorite meal
will be on the stove,

your tea will be cooling
on the counter

and the windows will be open
to let in the light
of a fading sunset.

when you come home,

your favorite blanket
will be freshly washed on the couch

there will be fire
sparking warmth across the tile

and the music that will play,
will soothe to your soul.

when you come home,

i will bring our cat to greet you
and a smile will startle across your face.

when you come home,

the world outside will be hushed just enough
to remind you that here is where you belong.

so i hope you come home to me,
someday,
one day.

the hard part
about being in despair
is it’s infectious

you speak of it
and all of a sudden
all the others carry the burden

as if it is their fault
that you are unhappy.

sadness
is an isolating thing
that tells you to reach out
for someone else

only to realize
how damaging it is

and so you cave deeper
within yourself
as if your ghosts
could fill the place
your loved ones used to be

it is a lonely thing,
your sadness, my friend.

it tells you that you are no good,
for those around you,
and that you are unworthy
of their help

so you cave in
to yourself,

and find your ruin
in the silence.

it means take care or to take care,
in a foreign language.

you will, won't you?
you are far too beautiful to fall,
and even if you do,
i'll be there.

cuida,
take care.

my friend, i cannot promise,
nor guarantee you
that this life will ever get easier.

this world is a cruel, broken thing

when you fall to your knees,
she will not rise to stop you,
nor soften the impact.

if you press your forehead
to her ground,
sometimes she will roar
and start a riot.

she quakes in her agony
and rages in her fury
as she tears open the skies,

and you and i,
will weep for her
when everything falls apart.

i cannot stop the ending
that comes with heedless abandonment

i cannot alleviate the hurt
or heal what’s left of your heart

but I can promise i am here,
and i will be here.

for the pain
and the healing,

for the numbness
and the feeling,

i am here, my friend,

And you will never
have to suffer alone again.
you will never walk alone, again.

the hardest part
of loving you,
will not be to let you go,

it’s holding on to you,
when life rears its head
and threatens to tear
the two of us apart.

and in spite of the wounds
on both of our hearts,
we must keep a grip
and not let them slip
away,

we must stay
and weather the wreckage together
as if destruction
is kinder when it is shared

and baby,
even if you’re scared
of bearing the scars,
you must not let them mar
the sanctity of the love
within the hollow of your chest.

the hardest part of love
is not knowing when
we will fall to ruin

but still choosing to stay
anyways.

if you are to leave me,
my darling,
then do so.
leave.
escape.

do not close the door
on your way out.
leave it open.
let the world
pour in
so you can see the ruin,
you left in your wake.

let me hear the sounds on the outside
making noise
so i can drown out the ghosts
you've created,
who can no longer breathe your name.

open the window, my love
and allow the sunshine to seep through.
slowly touching and soothing
the shadows in every corner

please don't turn around.
don't you dare turn around.

i want this new existence
to begin
devoid of you.

you do not have the right to see
what is left of me
after you are gone.

i am at home in my grief.
i will breathe in
the spring breeze
and eventually the summer air
and allow new life to grow.

i am a lot stronger
than you will ever appreciate,
so please, walk away,
you do not get to see my fall.

no,
you do not deserve
any part of me,
at all.

if you are to leave,
my love,
then leave.

i will not be in despair,
and grieve
for long.
i swear,
i hope.

you weren't satisfied with my smile,
and the way i liked to laugh and grin
at every little thing you do,
so you took it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my eyes,
the ones that always found a way to stare into your face,
and most importantly to your own brown eyes,
so you took my gaze with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my kisses,
the ones that were always hungry,
but needed spaces in between,
so i can kiss you in places you didn't need,
so you took that to hell with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my words,
the ones that assured you that i will be here
no matter the cost,
no matter the pain,
because you didn't really hear it.
its not from who you need it.
so you threw that away, and didn't really take it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my actions,
the ones that screamed of love
and defied all rules and enclosures.
everything i did,
it was not for me to be loved back,
but for you to feel that someone out there cared.
you took all that anyway,
and decided it was time to leave, halfway.

darling, i didn't need you
but i ended up loving you more
than words could ever hope to hold

and that's when i lost you
but i’ll pen you as if my poetry
could salvage a piece of you
that i could somehow keep

and i am truly sorry
for everything i meant to do
but failed to accomplish,

like loving you
and keeping you
and writing you back home again

it’s not difficult to love
someone like her

it’s as if every particle of mine
is yearning to rip itself to pieces
just to crash into hers

it is both agonizing
and the sweetest relief
when she holds my hand

and when her lips finally met mine
i felt all the known universes collide
and realign
to keep the two of us
in the center of the fray.

she stays,
the way nobody else has before
and i want for nothing more
when her eyes meet mine
except for maybe just a little more time
to drown in those earthen hues

and if i am to spend the rest of my life
loving her as ardently as I do,

well, i will press a kiss
to the pulse of her wrist
and thank God every time,
that she exists

over and over
and over again,

i will trace every ounce of her skin
with gratitude.

at the end of the day,
i can't blame you.
i told you i knew i would get hurt.
you told me this would end badly.
your friends told you to stop hurting me.
but i ignored all of it,
i told you to go on,
and hurt me anyway.
you are not the perfect girl,
nor was this the perfect situation,
but i wanted it anyway.
no matter the cost.
i wouldn't have it any other way.

i asked you to be mine,
as a frail joke,
and you told me,
i knew the answer.
i did know the answer,
i just wanted to hear it from you,
even though i knew it would break me.
for you to want me,
but not give it to me.
it almost brought me to the brink of destruction.
how could the best person to have arrived in this gruesome life that we all lead,
be not allowed to be mine?
i tried to laugh it out,
to not be bothered by the circumstance
i am presented.
you told me to ask you again,
and i was puzzled.
why would you want to hurt me again?
but still,
i did.
and this time, you said yes.

i asked you to be mine,
and you said yes.

the problem is i remember,
everything is all coming back to me
from the moment i first saw you,
to the moment you looked at me with love.

my home is all but cluttered with memories of you
in parts and pieces
mostly whole.
you were my home,
and now i'm at a place where everything is scattered,
my mind,
all the places you've touched,
all the kisses you gave,
all the smiles you threw my way
all the love.

darling,
i will always miss you

the way you laugh
in a freefall
eyes,
your beautiful eyes,
too brown,
too full of life,
too wonderful

lips that are too full with laughter,
and mine
your words that are too
**** kind
and open arms
like something out
of stained glass

a mirage,
something finally correct
after thousands of years

a
smile

kiss

whatever
you’ve
got

i miss it,
always.

and oh, i'm sorry.
its all coming back again,
the sorrow
the hurting
the caving in

as if i was a monument
that still had a long way to fall,

as if i had not already
lost it all
to the fissures
that broke beneath my skin.

i am no longer the moss-lined ruin
where the sun still meets
the stone,

i am sharp, i am broken,
with dark bruised bones
that would definitely crumble
beneath the touch of your hand.

but i will still leave
a wound that bleeds you
right where you stand.

that is the price
of loving me.

to be haunted by the memory
of everything i used to be
and everything that i became
and will be.

not even the ghosts
dare to whisper my name
because of the way
it disturbs the hall.

there is a reason
the demons
are best left sleeping
beneath the walls.

but oh, i'm sorry,
it all comes back again,
the sorrow,
the hurting,
the caving in

as if i still had something
left to lose.

the ghosts,
my ghosts
bow their heads to you
as you slowly take your leave.

take one last look at me
before you go.

do not flinch as the shadows
fold me away from your view.

there is nothing left here
for me to turn back to,
and for you to return to.

there are so many questions that i need answers to.
questions that i cannot ask you,
nor anyone but myself.
why do you shed tears?
you let out more than a sob that night as i stayed by your side
when she acknowledged how beautiful you loved her.
you, a wonderful being when loved and when you love.
why must you suffer?
you let out another wail, and i wished i could take away the pain.
i wished, with all my might that you will believe me as i whispered,
"you'll be okay, it's okay"
tell me, did you believe it?
i meant it, dearly.