And oh,
the season of oblivion
ascends like a thief,
swift, silent,
deadly.

a breath in the vast emptiness,
a universe yawning wide
to devour every decibel
a void wide open
engulfing every sound.

And in my dreams, I swear,
your laughter was a revolution,
the earth halted its hustle,
and in that fleeting heartbeat,
there was laughter,
there was a ceasefire,
and we were its sanctuary.

And when I woke,
your absence was a canyon,
a shadow once more,
I fought for air,
fingers trembling for solidity.

I faced my shadows,
whispered, "Not now, not now,"
and cast them further into the abyss.

I anchored myself to this planet,
stood, knees quaking like fault lines.
I moved,
with a heart dense as a dying star,
and I stumbled into oblivion,
oblivion,
oblivion,

conceding that all we've amassed in the end,
signified
nothing after all.

Hello, my friend,

They say life's what you make it
But I swear, sometimes it feels like
Life's nothing more than a canvas
Painted by every heartache and heartbreak.

You've got these hands that shake like earthquakes,
And a heart that's been through wars
More times than you care to count.

And you don't know if you're a mess or a masterpiece,
'Cause every stroke on this canvas
Feels like it's come from someplace else.

You've got treasures buried deep inside you,
But sometimes they may feel like gilded garbage,
And you can't tell which is which.

You've been to the bottom of the well,
And you've looked the devil in the eye,
And you've come back with nothing but your poetry,
And the rhythm of your aching heart.

Sometimes, my friend, you wonder if you're anything
But depression, and a lifetime of grief,
And you don't know what sets you apart
From the agony that surrounds you.

But even when the strongest souls
Start to lose their fight,
You're still here, reaching for the light.

So if this life is what defines you, then let it be known
That you are a survivor, a warrior, a force to be reckoned with.
You are the sum of every joy and every pain,
And every moment that has brought you here today.

And when the darkness threatens to consume you,
Remember that you are not alone,
For your poetry and your heartbeat
Resonate with so many others who have fought this battle too.

And even though the road ahead may be uncertain,
Take comfort in the fact that you are not your sadness,
You are not your suffering, you are not your mistakes.

You are a masterpiece in progress,
A work of art that is still unfolding,
And your story, your voice, your heart
Are all essential parts of the beauty that is you.

So keep going, my friend,
Keep fighting, keep creating, keep living,
And know that no matter what comes your way,
You are loved, you are valued, and you are enough.

These past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out
What exactly am I apologetic for?
Was it because I lost you?
or was it because I lost myself in you?

I am sorry I could not be the light in your darkness.
I am truly sorry.

I will not be sorry for anything more, for you.

"where is your happy place?"
you asked,
and from then on i knew,
i was going to war
your mind functions like no other,
for the first time,
i find myself challenged.
"who are you?" my mind bellows,
I knew I wanted to know you,
I knew it in me,
that I will lose all my rationality again,
my mind will be blank,
a canvas to be filled with whatever art
your mind,
your thoughts has to offer.

i had a good day,
and in some, nay, most of those moments,
i couldn't help but think of how we used to be,
and how we would be,
if you were there walking beside me.

how do i escape what's in my head?
how do i free myself from the voluntary shackles i've put in my hands?
how do i retrieve the keys that i've allowed you to swallow unknowingly?

tell me,
how exactly do i walk away from all that's been said and done between the two of us?

you'd break the curse
you wouldn't leave
you and i will always be together
we'd make it
you'll see the end of it
you love me.



loved me.

the heart stops for sunset
the mind during sunrise,
my soul for yours
with no measure,
just an infinite loop
to stop at your smile,
voice
and
sighs.

11 p.m. shaky
"Please tell me what went wrong," I asked.
I never thought I'd get overlooked again.
Even when I've given my best, I still come second.
Truly it is hard to compete with desires and memories.
I laughed with tears, and then those tears turned to real sadness.
I've been let down before.
So why does it still hurt me as first love would?
Why does it hurt so much more than just the sting of a bee?

12 a.m. endure
"I can't keep doing this to you," you said.
I thought, "No!" almost immediately. "How dare you turn weak on me?"
What have I not done to be unable to deserve you, to keep you?
How is it possible for me to lose someone even when I've done everything I could to keep her?
How can I lose you over your interest in making me stop enduring?

1 a.m. nowhere
Silence.
You said almost nothing.
The sounds came mostly from tears escaping your eyes and me forming words, begging you to please stay.
I almost lost you there.
I remember it hurting so much.
I had to punch the wall next to me.
I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Would you have given up on our next fight had I not brought this one up?
What would my feelings bring this time?
Shall I hide for good?

2 a.m. confession
"I did things and I don't know why."
I had to cover my mouth with pillows so you wouldn't hear me at my worst weep for pain.
The worst part was, deep down, I knew.
I felt it.
I felt your best-kept secrets before you even confessed to me.
I wanted to shout but who would listen to me?
I knew that I just had to keep trusting even if you have shot me a million times.
Truth is, I'd rather be hurting than be happy without you.
That's not happiness. Not to me anyway.
I don't even want to hurt you.
I just want you to love me.
Fully.
But I guess that is not meant for me now.

3 a.m. respite
"I love you."
I love you even if you bleed my heart out.
I will see this through.
The question isn't how much I love you but how much you're willing to do to see it through.
The answer to our problem isn't out there but here.
I wish you would realize just how happy I am with you and that these minor roadblocks are here to test your endurance.
How much are you willing to put me through?
The solution is not to give up.
Every day is a new chance and without asking for it, I've given you so many and I'm only asking for a little bit of chance to be loved in return.
Will you still love me even if my heart's in pieces already?
I promise nothing will be missing.
Do I need to hurt you to be unforgettable too?
Does my heart need to be in pieces before you start remembering about my feelings?

my friend,
in the morning
the sun might not
reach your floors
but it will still shine
outside.
bright, and blazing
as it always will be.

and the flowers
might not bloom
in time to greet you
but they are growing
and growth takes time

and the coffee
might not be enough
to wake you
from your slumber
but it will belong
in the palms of your hands.

i cannot promise
that life will soften
at any point,
or that the world will be gentle
enough for you to live
without bleeding,

but i can promise
that if you keep breathing,
you stand the chance
to change the life you’re leading
into a future you can call home.
you deserve that life ahead of you.

and even if
you do it all alone
the world is made better
for harboring your heart

that loves all things
life has torn apart
and gives them the peace
they have been dying for.

you are the healing
that comes after the war,
the strength that helps
others rise from their knees.

you are the heartbeat
amidst the suffering,

the humanity itself,
amidst the stone.

it is you who opens the blinds
to let the sunlight in.

it is you who reminds the birds
that it is time to fly again.

and i am sorry,
we could not be the same for you.

if i could sum up all the parts,
all the scenes that happened,
and the role i played in your life,
i don't think i would it would amount
to anything at all.
i would still come up short,
or perhaps,
it would still feel like it was all for nothing,
because it was a all a lie,
an illusion.
the only thing that was real was what i felt.
but you couldn't need it.
so when you looked around,
asking if anyone out there loved you,
begged for someone to care about you,
you couldnt see me,
you only saw her,
from far away,
and what you wanted from her.
all while i held you closely.

i didn't really quantify to anything,
did i?
i was just a tool,
an object,
a ship that passed by,
eventually harboring affections for you,
a bridge to help you cross the stream of your tears.

somewhere along the way,
you realized,
you liked drowning.
the lines everywhere blurred.
you liked where the tears were coming from,
never mind the sturdiness
and stability i offered,
you still wanted to drown.
you didn't take my hand,
and you don't want to be saved.


not by me anyway.

my friend,

if you were afraid
of dying alone

of having lived
without purpose

of staying
of leaving

without anyone
to recall your name,

rest easy, rest easy,
rest easy.

we will remember you,
i will remember you.

you kiss me the way nobody ever has before.
not without expecting something in return.
and here i am sick and runny-nosed and you love me anyway
you love me in a whole new way,
but it is honest,
genuine.
you love me, hesitantly at first
and then you threw yourself into it,
and so did i.

and suddenly i am looking at the stars
through light polluted skies;
suddenly i am finding you in all my favorite songs
suddenly,
you are my favorite song
and my favourite eyes,
my favorite,
and you feel how i imagine what home feels like.
baby, i'm home.

Tick-tock, time flows,
And winter, soon departing goes,
Or has it gone, already flown?
Tick-tock, time marches on.

But I, I've lingered long,
Like a statue, not so strong.
All bones and skin and agony,
Pouring into itself constantly.

Sleep eludes my weary soul,
But worse, I've forgotten my role,
Lost the penance I swore to keep,
Left alone with a cost too steep.

My soul, not worried, but I'm concerned,
For the price of redemption to be earned
Is insurmountable, so high,
The greatest suffering, nigh.

Tick-tock, time moves on,
Soon I'll be gone, long withdrawn,
And none will notice, I've disappeared,
For I, never belonged here.

i love her,
more than i ever
will be able to quantify,
and more than she will ever know.

some days,
i need a pair of arms
to fall into,
that feel more like home
than an open door

other days,
i want to be kept
the way the devout
keep their prayers

or the way sinners
keep their forgiveness
pressed in their palms

i've always wanted to belong
to someone
who didn’t need to stay

someone who chose me anyway
in spite of the mess i carry,
and the disarray

this time,
i need this girl,
her,
to be okay
with my weaknesses

And i promise,
i will love her, still,
and i hope,
she loves me the same.

i kiss her,
and she whispers my name
as i do so,
and i hope it won't ever hurt her
to say it

when i pull away,
her eyes glitter
and shimmer
and i hope it stays that way
for always.

she holds me close,
and it feels like home.

we embarked on our journey together with a kiss --
a kiss with tears embedded in that memory.
a kiss with tears still forming in your eyes
as you remembered a former lover,
your almost.
ultimately, we ended our journey together with a kiss --
a kiss with tears swimming from our eyes,
trickling down to our lips.
a kiss that meant the end of me for you,
as you did the same thing your former lover did,
and became my almost.

forgive me,
you are too beautiful to be this burdened.
i'm sorry you carry so much on your shoulder.
and none that passes could take it away from you.
for the key to unlocking you,
breaking you free from your voluntary shackles,
lies not within me but on someone else.

forgive me,
for a second i thought, i could liberate you.
i believed in my patience
and the warmth i bring.
i thought i could light you up
like fireworks,
instead i'm the one that ended up in flames,
while you continue to seek that which you have lost,
her spark.

forgive me for my delusions,
and ideas of grandeur.
i was wrong to think,
that we could've had something wonderful,
that i could've changed your mind,
and that i could've made the one to make you stay.

for a second i thought i had you there,
some of you,
most of you,
perhaps all of you,
and then none of you at all.

how can you be both
the demon and the angel
inside of my head?
the very thought of you
starts a cascade of emotions,
both the good and the bad,
and an endless stream of memory,
that seems to replay from
beginning to the end with no form of escape.
what am i to do?
my mind seems to enjoy the demons you inspire,
and my heart misses the angel you were.
what am i to do?
the demon that i hope to finally see you as,
just led me to a deeper understanding that
all my thoughts and emotions point to you.

i never fell for the angel,
it was when you showed me
your darkness,
the demon inside of you,
and all around you,
that's where i fell.

my darling,
there is nothing
i can offer
but what's inside my hollow ribs --
a paper heart filled with words
so endless,
yet
so easily burns.

its the break of dawn
and the colors of the sky,
reminds me of our time together.
it was when you captured
my heart,
and my soul.

its the break of dawn
and there is stillness in everything.
the light slowly creeping in,
taking over the darkness,
reminds me of the time,
you put your head on my shoulder
and i felt the happiest.
it was a moment i was positive,
time moved slowly.
my lack of movement
was not because i was frozen
but because time stood still for me.
you willingly closed the distance between us,
making me yours, unknowingly.

its the break of dawn again,
and here i am, still awake at this very hour,
trying to forget,
trying to disassociate you from everything.
because when the light finally touches my face,
i remember that you're gone and
it won't ever be like it was before the light.

its the break of dawn,
and my heart is broken.

The conclusion of our world, my love,
Does not meet its end with a faint sigh
Nor a resounding explosion.

Instead, it fades into an unbroken hush,
As the cosmos is interred in peaceful stillness.

The gods ask me,
As to how I have persevered,
And I share with them my secret.

For even in the face of everlasting solitude,
The void resounds with the melody of your name.

please,
don't go,
no,
not yet.
not just yet.

i still carry so many regrets,
so many things i have yet to confess.

my chest is still filled with buried apologies,
ones i meant to press
at the palm of your hands,
and into the hollows of your heart.

i meant to patch up whatever i broke,
tore apart and ultimately destroyed,
but in the end,
there was nothing i could do
to end the pain,
yours and mine.

since then i have not mustered the strength
to stand again,
when i had already fallen to my knees.

you once tried to reach me,
but i was irreparable,
i could not be saved.
i tried to let go of all the love
you once had for me
and now,
i've created ghosts from our memories.

you once tried to heal me from my sufferings,
but i only inflicted more wounds,
even on you.
i could not find a way to love you,
without wrecking everything.

in case you're wondering,
no,
i don't expect you to forgive me
i don't expect you to love me again.

but please,
don't go just yet.
i cling on to so many regrets still.

i am sorry, i am sorry,
i am sorry.

darling, no,
the coffee
won’t keep you and i
awake

and the breakfast you just had,
will not fill you.

the sun itself will still shine
but it will not reach
your floors

and the moon
will not win
over the shadows.

it will be striking silence
that greets you
when you make it outside,

and you will find,
the world still turns
without you.

and you'll know that if you love,
sometimes,
you will lose.

prayers will fall
on deafened ears,

no hands will rise
to dry your tears

and life
will keep marching on.

it does not end
when you are gone.

but wait, darling,
a moment,
before you leave.

do not abandon me
to grieve,

do not leave me behind.

because even though the world
might be fine
and all the stars
will still inevitably,
shine,

i cannot attest
to what will be left
of mine.

it is you who have kept
the beats in my chest
and finally,
gave my soul a home.

i know,
i cannot possibly do this
on my own

so stay,
i beg of you,
please stay,
with me.

baby,
without you,
there is no poetry.

the problem is i remember,
everything is all coming back to me
from the moment i first saw you,
to the moment you looked at me with love.

my home is all but cluttered with memories of you
in parts and pieces
mostly whole.
you were my home,
and now i'm at a place where everything is scattered,
my mind,
all the places you've touched,
all the kisses you gave,
all the smiles you threw my way
all the love.

baby, it is two in the morning
and i have seen every hour
since the beginning of the week.

i no longer sleep,
because there’s nothing left
for me to retain
except for the memories
that ruin me like ghosts
and i am now the building
they haunt.

i am no longer a home,
because home is where the heart is
and mine is where i left it,

in your hands,
broken and fallen apart,
in the spines of books
and the spaces of my letters,
in everything

just so that it isn’t in me anymore.

i can no longer bear it, really.

it is two in the morning,
and the ghosts are stirring
from the shadows of my walls.

i do not miss you at all.

i think.

in another life
we are in your heart
and you are whole
and you are home

and you recognize
the love everyone has for you
and you don't feel alone

and you do not break
where you stand

in another life,
you would not be the person
you thought you became

and the sound
of the names of your failures
does not bring you
to your knees.

they do not wound you
or make you bleed

they do not destroy
what we held so dearly.

in another life
you choose to stay

and
you do not disappear.

as i peered into the darkness
it stared back at me

and in that moment,
i felt everything
and nothing of my apathy

in that moment,
i learned that the void
wasn’t empty.

it just echoed
around the absence
of what i missed the most.

can you imagine my surprise
when i yelled your name
and it replied back to me?

my darling, you are the enormity
of my universe.

you are my end
and my beginning

and everything else in between.

so come home to me, my love,
come home to me.

there are so many questions that i need answers to.
questions that i cannot ask you,
nor anyone but myself.
why do you shed tears?
you let out more than a sob that night as i stayed by your side
when she acknowledged how beautiful you loved her.
you, a wonderful being when loved and when you love.
why must you suffer?
you let out another wail, and i wished i could take away the pain.
i wished, with all my might that you will believe me as i whispered,
"you'll be okay, it's okay"
tell me, did you believe it?
i meant it, dearly.

at the end of the day,
i can't blame you.
i told you i knew i would get hurt.
you told me this would end badly.
your friends told you to stop hurting me.
but i ignored all of it,
i told you to go on,
and hurt me anyway.
you are not the perfect girl,
nor was this the perfect situation,
but i wanted it anyway.
no matter the cost.
i wouldn't have it any other way.

please,
go slow, go gentle,
learn to hesitate,
before you let yourself fall.

before you risk it all,
on someone else,
you must first protect yourself
before you let it all go.

you'll never know
how they will choose to hold your heart.
it could all fall apart
in the palm of their hands.

and then you will not be able to stand
again.

you will be on your knees
begging for their mercy
or reprieve,

you will once again
succumb to your grief
as it carries you home.
you will be left alone,
yet again,
to your own suffering
and there will be nothing
to dry your tears.

you will dissolve,
and disappear,
into your despair,
a penance you will have to bear
as it swallows you whole.

so please, my dear friend,
protect your soul
because it is too precious to break.

i cannot bear to know you ache
deeper than everyone else,

you do not belong on the shelf
i reserve for those that are broken,
as another poem for the lost,
that is too great a cost
that i cannot dare to pay.

go slowly, my friend,
hesitate.
stay.

do not jump and fall away
if someone will not become your wings.

you do not deserve the ending
that comes from the far fall.

you do not deserve to be hurt
at all.

The night was dark, and for that I was grateful.
I could not see your eyes.
If I did, I would lose myself even more.
For in your voice I heard the bitterness,
something no longer there.
Your voice was that of a stranger.
A stranger I haven't met,
a stranger far different from the one,
I came to love.

For a second, I thought you were angry.
I wanted to believe that you were.
I imagined a reaction,
an emotion.
Anything.
Because I could not stand, indifference.
I could not bear the pain of suddenly being unable to recognize,
what was on your mind,
what was in your heart.

And that was something,
I did not wish to see in your eyes.
For the eyes, can never lie.

And if I saw it,
and confirmed it,
my eyes won't lie either.
It will tell you I love you,
and yours will say no, thank you.

there's nothing i can do more but write,
hoping i'll eventually run dry
and have no more to say for you
and for all that we had.
i'm hoping i'll get tired of looking at you from afar,
and wishing we had more time.
i'm hoping i'll villanize you enough
to hate what you've done to me,
and what you've succeeded, unknowingly.

you really hurt me this time,
deeply.
all your words came crashing down,
like a bomb that deployed into a million missiles.
the target was one,
me,
but the casualty was millions --
millions of pieces of my heart breaking,
the first time i've ever felt it do so.
your words pierced like a hundred arrows
that werent aimed at me,
yet i bled,
because i was in the way,
and it got me anyway.

one day i'll get over you,
and i'll walk away from all this mess,
with a smile.
but for now, i'm drowning,
unable to breathe,
or swim away from the destruction.
and even though you've set me free,
and that i should look at the bigger picture,
my mind can't help but be in the details.
one day,
i'll forget.
one day,
you won't be here in me.
one day,
i'll be okay.

you weren't satisfied with my smile,
and the way i liked to laugh and grin
at every little thing you do,
so you took it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my eyes,
the ones that always found a way to stare into your face,
and most importantly to your own brown eyes,
so you took my gaze with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my kisses,
the ones that were always hungry,
but needed spaces in between,
so i can kiss you in places you didn't need,
so you took that to hell with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my words,
the ones that assured you that i will be here
no matter the cost,
no matter the pain,
because you didn't really hear it.
its not from who you need it.
so you threw that away, and didn't really take it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my actions,
the ones that screamed of love
and defied all rules and enclosures.
everything i did,
it was not for me to be loved back,
but for you to feel that someone out there cared.
you took all that anyway,
and decided it was time to leave, halfway.

if you have any words left for me,
let me have them,
let me have them one last time.

i fear that
i cannot walk further without hearing you say
you love me, one last time.
please.
foolish, i know.
why would i voluntarily put myself through the heartache
of hearing you say you love me?
loved me.

if you have anything left for me at all,
let me have it.
let me hear it,
let me see.

even just for a moment.

i know you think you are forgettable.
that you are what is left after all else is gone.

you are the moment that held on
for a little too long
before everything finally concluded.

you are the wound
that never mended
but perhaps,
during those times,
you healed just enough
to stop the bleeding
and stop the pain.

you are the fall
that never bloomed,
and never rose again.
the petals that never grew.

you are the girl
who loved,
and eventually lost.

the girl who did not matter enough
for her to remember your name.

maybe you are the same
as the dust motes in the dying light
with their fragile flight,
hopeless,
as they disappear.

you never quite belonged to where you are now.
so you feel, the place never reaches for you.

there is nothing this place,
and maybe she as well,
wants to keep from you,
and you are not permanent enough to be asked to stay.

not even your words can fight to be permanent,
and she will forget all the letters you've written.

but you've done what you can do,
and you've done it all too well.
you've made your own path,
even in a place overgrown.
you’ve changed the
morning and the
mountains for her.

you've done what you can do,
and you've done it all too well.
i'm sorry,
i'm sorry.

it means take care or to take care,
in a foreign language.

you will, won't you?
you are far too beautiful to fall,
and even if you do,
i'll be there.

cuida,
take care.

there were times
when all you needed
was a soft place to fall
and nobody extended
their arms to catch you

but i hoped,
a blackbird would startle
and flap her wings
and bunker further
into her nest
and the sound of her chicks
whispering back to her
was enough to keep you going.

and there were times
when you needed a hand to hold
but all you could grasp
were the shadows,

but then the moon
would pour liquid silver
to light your way
and it was enough
to make you stay.

and then,
there were times
when you were so alone
that the ghosts in your chest
felt more like home
than the people around you,

but your cousin’s laughter
would echo down the halls
enough to suspend your fall

and though you are aching
and though you are breaking
the way all things do

i'd like you to know,
that this life is worth living
in spite of it all.

the last few days have felt like a lifetime
i never thought we would come to this point.
but then again, when had we ever come to face regret if not the end?
so while i sit here,
wondering how i can turn back time,
i also think,
to when will turn it back to?
i don't know the exact moment when i lost you,
i don't know how long you have felt the agony,
how long you have allowed yourself to drift from,
how long ago did you decide to start unloving me?
it seems a bit unfair,
to have such a head start.
perhaps you are nearly there,
to the point where you wanted to be.
and i am still stuck on this road,
unable to see,
carrying my own weight,
and all the excess and the very love i had for you,
that which you chose to part with.
tell me, my love.
was it easy?
because it honestly felt like it.
i felt like it was all too easy for you to just cast me aside,
like a match you no longer want to hold.
like a candle that no longer served its purpose,
and like a fire that no longer incinerated you.
and all the while,
i thought we could make it.
all this time,
i thought our love could take it.
how foolish was i to believe that once again,
perhaps,
this one would be different.
that i will not be left in the dust,
the minute things get hard.
that i will not stand in the darkness once again,
alone and lost
because i've shed every bit of light that i had for you.
and now i walk alone again,
wondering,
where do i run back to?

You tell me your fears,
and i tell you i'll be here.
I thought it would make me weaker than I already am
but it made me want to pick
up my
sword
and lash through
all the challenges
that might
come on our way
because I want nothing more
than to prove you wrong
and be
with you
until you ask me to go.

if you are to leave me,
my darling,
then do so.
leave.
escape.

do not close the door
on your way out.
leave it open.
let the world
pour in
so you can see the ruin,
you left in your wake.

let me hear the sounds on the outside
making noise
so i can drown out the ghosts
you've created,
who can no longer breathe your name.

open the window, my love
and allow the sunshine to seep through.
slowly touching and soothing
the shadows in every corner

please don't turn around.
don't you dare turn around.

i want this new existence
to begin
devoid of you.

you do not have the right to see
what is left of me
after you are gone.

i am at home in my grief.
i will breathe in
the spring breeze
and eventually the summer air
and allow new life to grow.

i am a lot stronger
than you will ever appreciate,
so please, walk away,
you do not get to see my fall.

no,
you do not deserve
any part of me,
at all.

if you are to leave,
my love,
then leave.

i will not be in despair,
and grieve
for long.
i swear,
i hope.

it’s not difficult to love
someone like her

it’s as if every particle of mine
is yearning to rip itself to pieces
just to crash into hers

it is both agonizing
and the sweetest relief
when she holds my hand

and when her lips finally met mine
i felt all the known universes collide
and realign
to keep the two of us
in the center of the fray.

she stays,
the way nobody else has before
and i want for nothing more
when her eyes meet mine
except for maybe just a little more time
to drown in those earthen hues

and if i am to spend the rest of my life
loving her as ardently as I do,

well, i will press a kiss
to the pulse of her wrist
and thank God every time,
that she exists

over and over
and over again,

i will trace every ounce of her skin
with gratitude.

darling,
if you ever come home to me,

your favorite meal
will be on the stove,

your tea will be cooling
on the counter

and the windows will be open
to let in the light
of a fading sunset.

when you come home,

your favorite blanket
will be freshly washed on the couch

there will be fire
sparking warmth across the tile

and the music that will play,
will soothe to your soul.

when you come home,

i will bring our cat to greet you
and a smile will startle across your face.

when you come home,

the world outside will be hushed just enough
to remind you that here is where you belong.

so i hope you come home to me,
someday,
one day.

you traded your demons
for ones that are easier to hide

you wanted to get better
and i know, you valiantly tried,

but you also offered them a home
in the hollow of your chest,

you gave them the darkness
and let them rest.

and when they woke
and gnawed on your bones

you fed them your heartbeat
as if you could atone

for all the wreckage
your hands have wrought,

as if you could find the peace
that you have sought.

but they knew, i know,
and they grew in size,

now they live under your tongue
and tell your lies.

i know you are not strong
you are not brave

you grab your shovel,
you dig your grave

and you crawl right in
and close your eyes.

they can keep a secret
and so can you

the past few days have been nothing but haunting,
its as if every memory that i once cherished --
every detail of your face,
comes back to me,
mocking me,
taunting me to keep going.
i'm looking for the answer, but the question is
all but a mystery to me.
what is it i'm trying to ask?
am i asking for you?
am i asking what went wrong?
or am i asking for what the meaning of everything was?
nothing makes sense even if i was so sure,
i was ready to get lost in you.
to lose for you.
nothing could have prepared me for everything that stands
before me -- between you and i.
and i know, even if you tried,
you couldn't care for me,
the way i care for you.

i wrote this poem
before I even knew the words
that i wanted to convey to you

that is how beautiful
you are to me -

you give purpose
to fifteen letters,

you give reason
for broken lines,

you give hope
to this poet

that maybe one day
i can write you

in all the ways
you deserve.

and love you,
in all ways you
want and need.

...and I like you anyway.
What is it about you that attracts me anyway?
I try to dissect it,
to cross-examine my attraction towards you.

You --
you are the exact definition
of what a dangerous path in love looks like --
complicated,
unsure,
relentless,
a storm and I want it.
I want to walk in it.
I want to feel the catastrophe you will bring,
the agony I might suffer,
the pain, you might inflict.
I'd like to be weathered by it all.

There's no stopping me now,
I'm driving with full acceleration,
hurtling towards you.
You are unaware of it all,
and though you may never find out,
just how much I'd like to get to know you.
I'm hoping.
Just, hoping you'll somehow see me through.

my sunshine, if you are reading this,
i love you.

its the kind of love
that grows from kindness,

the love that lets you look
at another human being
and smile

my darling,
i am asking you how your day went
because i really do care
long enough to stay
and wait for your answer,

and i will listen
because i am here
to do just that.

i am asking how your heart is
because I know sometimes people
forget to check-in,

and i am offering you a shoulder
should you feel the need to cry,
or feel the need to lean on something
when the world gets tough.

i will wear my heart on my sleeve
so that you feel less alone
and see that i, too, have wounds of my own

and love,
i will always,
always,
make the time for you.

so come with me,
sit a while.
if you do not want to talk
about what hurts
we can talk in hopes.

it is high time the world
becomes less lonely,

so i am extending my hand
and reaching for you.

i love you,
i love you.

darling,
i will always miss you

the way you laugh
in a freefall
eyes,
your beautiful eyes,
too brown,
too full of life,
too wonderful

lips that are too full with laughter,
and mine
your words that are too
**** kind
and open arms
like something out
of stained glass

a mirage,
something finally correct
after thousands of years

a
smile

kiss

whatever
you’ve
got

i miss it,
always.

when you rise in the morning,
i promise,
i will lay roses at your feet
and line the pathway to the door
with tulips

i will press a cup of english breakfast tea,
into your palms
and place a sweater around your shoulders,

i will wrap my arms around you
and guide you outside,
hold you close
as the holiday winds greet us

and i will press a kiss to your temple
and catch the tears that linger
on your eyelashes.

we will do it, my braveheart
we will survive a year.

and i will be so proud of you,
of us,
for making it through.

in your eyes
and
in your smile
i saw a flash of hope
that i could be redeemed
from this hole that i jumped into.
a living hell.
i am hoping that one day
you'll reach out,
take my arms and pull me back to the surface
so I can --
we can,
begin again.