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1.9k · Mar 2018
numbers
hani aqil Mar 2018
negative b plus/minus square root b² minus 4ac over 2a, the quadratic formula;
the numbers don't lie.

10th June, 2002; my birth.
the numbers don't lie.

when y equals to 0 you can find
the x-intercepts;
the numbers don't lie.

#03-04; my unit.
the numbers don't lie.

I am better than everyone but
1
person in this room;
the numbers don't lie.

when y equals to a times (x-h)² plus k,
(h,k) is the vertex;
the numbers don't lie.

157 cm; my height.
the numbers don't lie.

negative b over 2a,
the axis of symmetry;
the numbers don't lie.

16th April, she told me she would love me forever,
23rd May, we kissed,
14th February, she told me to leave her forever;
glassy-hearted valentine;
the numbers don't lie.

negative b² minus 4 times a times c,
the discriminant;
the numbers don't lie.

43 kg; my weight.
the numbers don't lie.

my value is exponentially depleting but
I am still better than 7 out of 10 of you;
the numbers don't lie.

when x equals to 0 you can find
the y-intercept;
the numbers don't lie.

3 times, my drowning attempts failed;
the numbers don't lie.

I think my days are numbered;
I don't lie.
1.0k · Mar 2018
grey (interlude)
hani aqil Mar 2018
a flower can only
bloom once be
plucked once,
wilt once.
hey we all make bad choices
962 · Mar 2018
black
hani aqil Mar 2018
please

forgive me,

this chest scar,
is a crack in the heartland,
deep rupture,
grime and shadow seeping in.

landscape,
an infinite black lake.

I can see
my reflection clear in it;
it is
broken glass, fragmented and
reassembled again,
again,
monstrous, twisted as a
swan dipped in oil, drowned twice, feathers
lathered so thickly, so
irrecoverably.

oil, oil, it drips so
slowly and sickly and
sweetly.
when u dont like anything abt urself anymore lol
959 · Mar 2018
heaven
hani aqil Mar 2018
heaven was
ink set in binded text
cotton veils on prayer mats
a never ending trial
guilty day by guilty night
higher presence
cornering me.

but when I was
in your arms, heaven was
so close I didn't even have to reach,
I could taste it,
sweet syurga;
your rose-dusted cheeks,
petal soft,
eyelashes,
the tips of butterfly feet, gentle
against my neck, your hair, framing your face so

angelically,

jet black waterfall slipping through my fingers gripping, gripping at
liquid so

impossibly,


God is dead.
God is dead.
God is dead.

heaven
is


out
of




reach


               again.
(syurga = heaven, but it also sounds like sugar so)
Hey Guys im gay, im sad, i have boundless religious angst in me, the Usual.
854 · Mar 2018
pink (II)
hani aqil Mar 2018
petals resigning from a rose
turning ground into infinite
stretch of liquid sweetness;

tub sinking into a pool sinking into
a lake sinking into a sea
of rose-scented water
girls are hot
754 · Apr 2018
for you
hani aqil Apr 2018
I will
melt a thousand suns in my mouth for you;
sink a thousand seas in my stomach for you;
freeze a thousand trembling tundras in my calves for you
eternal frostbite;
live for you.
: (
751 · Apr 2018
astaghfirullah
hani aqil Apr 2018
I will say astaghfirullah but
Imam, I am innocent
How heinous the crime I have committed but
No stones shall slit my back.

I will say astaghfirullah but
Old man, I am innocent
A child like me is not you yet
We are different but the same.

I will say astaghfirullah but
Darling, I am innocent
I will cut myself with your blade
Before I bleed pagan poetry.
for context:
astaghfirullah = I seek forgiveness from God
Imam = worship leader of a mosque, my grandfafher used to do this
Stoning = punishment for adultery
738 · Mar 2018
pink (I)
hani aqil Mar 2018
take my mouth on a ride
on a strawberry flavoured waterslide
by a cotton candy sky
drenched, soaked
in pink.
wow i miss them it be like that sometimes stay strong fellow gays
671 · Mar 2018
parasite
hani aqil Mar 2018
what am I to you
now that I am the thing you wanted to protect me from?

from now
I am not your daughter.
I am
A wilting flower plucked in the prime of its innocence
corpse blackened and rotting and foul.

from now
I am not your daughter.
I am your
one-way ticket to hell
weight tipping you over
by a fraction of a hairs breadth
falling, falling into
fire.
im gay lol
662 · Mar 2018
jigsaw falling out of place
hani aqil Mar 2018
I feel like I've lost a piece of me.
I don't know when.
I don't know where, or how.

Maybe, I dropped it in broad daylight.
Maybe, someone stole it in the night.

Please,

Come back,
little piece,

You leave me an empty
fragile chrysalis flaking
away little bit by little bit a

Jigsaw falling out of place.
486 · Mar 2018
fishnets
hani aqil Mar 2018
(TW for gore, ****** abuse, ******)

i dreamt she
deepthroated a knife
mouth settling around the blade,
lips split,
two tongued succubus.

tip of the knife
dragged round and round
her plump, sweet thighs
carving fishnets in flesh.

you
are not a father.

a father shouldn’t
want to ram his
insatiable ****
into his

child.

fish on deck
choking on air
spluttering, scales fluttering,
entwined in honeycomb plastic.
this was very difficult but ultimately very satisfying for me to write. my ex's father was an abusive cheater who expressed interest in her, and she'd occasionally tell me about her nightmares or experiences. it really affected me, as someone with a very stable and loving family background. i was really scared, and confused, and most of all disgusted. i remember once i leaned over a toilet at 3 am and wanted to gag so bad. abusive parents can burn in hell. when your child has to recover from their childhood, youve failed miserably at being a parent and a decent human being.
if you have abusive parents, my heart goes out to you. if you have been sexually assaulted, my heart goes out to you. stay strong i love you.
also, fishnets as in the stocking things are supposed to represent sexualization and in the last stanza theres a ref to a fish being trapped in a net (a fish net...!)
446 · Apr 2018
exhibtion piece (IV)
hani aqil Apr 2018
my feet are taking me someplace I don't want to be.

they say
third times the charm but the fourth

is luckier.

traffic is
so pretty at night;
bokeh dance shrouded in black,
cars oscillating forward and back,
so enticingly juvenile are the lights.

at crossroads I
test the waters
concrete ocean;
I can stand on it.
I can almost taste
the blood
in my mouth,

I can almost wash
the blood
off my hands.
I tried to **** myself (again) today
397 · Mar 2018
fly-trap
hani aqil Mar 2018
sometimes I get
caught
in my ambition; a

venus fly-trap.

people are only
numbers on paper to cull
paintings on canvas to crush
medals, trophies, certificates to
crumble, burn,
charred broken ash;

flies to squash.
372 · Mar 2018
exhibition piece
hani aqil Mar 2018
we
stepped into the gallery;
stepped onto pristine marble floors, sheen-decked, with our
grubby school shoes like
mud on palace gates;
stepped into a world of
suits and champagne and jewelry,
of cheese we couldn't pronounce,
of empty speeches and pretence;
"******* ***", as you put it.

we
walked around the exhibition, you weren't
all that impressed and you
didn't really keep quiet about it.

you were the only one, I think.

rich powerful men scare me.

we
walked down the hall, past
twenty closed doors, extending as if
mirrored to infinity;

you
were still unimpressed,
"This doesn't really work,"
you said.
"I feel like he's done
Everything he can with this style."

I think the same but I don't say the same.
rich powerful men scare me.

I wonder if
they're ******* their daughters behind those closed doors.
a poem about visiting a high end photography opening with my friends
301 · Apr 2018
dovetail
hani aqil Apr 2018
I apologise
for the apologies;
sorry was a selfish word.
(modified haiku) i have crippling depression read alllllll about it!!!!!!!!!!!
261 · Jan 2019
murder piece
hani aqil Jan 2019
1
I’m not one to tell
But some people really deserve it

I’m not one to be so fell
But some people really need it

2
Sometimes I think I could ****
Sometimes I think I am wrong
But now I know I was right
My just bloodlust is useless to fight

3
I paint your face white
I paint over the neon mess
I tackle you to the ground
Ram your head on the seething white floor

I want to crack your skull
I want to hear it snap under the weight of my hands
Alas I am weak
But not weak enough to **** you quickly

4
My knees are digging into your chest
My hands are around your grizzly neck
Asphyxia is a good solution to some problems

Choke, you old *******

I won’t let you go so fast

5
I drag you by your hair into the lift outside my unit
It’s really dark
It’s way past midnight and everything is quiet
Everything is quiet when you’ve lived so noisily

6
The red lights from the buttons glow slowly and gently and I press the first floor gingerly
The automated voice says “first floor” in that funny little way it always does

7
The lift descends, with me and you
It is like a passage to hell
For the both of us

We’re not dead yet
But we are corpses
Both of us

8
The stars are so pretty tonight
You can rarely see them so clear
But tonight every corner of time is enveloped in a
Gluttonous cocoon of darkness

9
I haul you out to the shady alley where
Nobody sleeps but nobody listens
And I wait
For the dogs to smell you

The dogs are tearing your flesh apart
Like bubblegum
I want to feed you to them
See their canine fangs sink into you
But even the most vicious hounds
Will never use you as meat
For fear of the evil laced in you

You’re not dead yet
I told you I wouldn’t let you go just like that
You can scream all you want, old man
Nobody sleeps but nobody listens
A timely taste of your own medicine

10
You can’t spell illegal without legal

11
In your last moments I **** your mouth with a knife
243 · Mar 2018
swimming practice
hani aqil Mar 2018
I tried to drown myself again
But I didn't want to die
Just a sip
For practise

Every time I breathe a little more
Feel the heat rising in my throat
Screaming coal in my stomach
Igniting, stoking, climbing higher and higher

One day, maybe the fire will
Trail all the way down to my lungs and

When I drown everyone else will learn
How to swim again
i want to die lol
241 · Mar 2018
fleshscape
hani aqil Mar 2018
I want to watch
bruises bloom across my skin until
my body is an untouchable wilderness vast
and raging I
feel so powerful;
the seeds I sow spring
to life at an instant
red goose egg under flesh
hatching, spilling yolk,
purple yellow green.

I want to be
at the mercy of the sea
tossed effortlessly, crashed
against thorny rocks
in oscillation
over and over until I am
as lifeless and brittle as the foam on the shore I
feel so powerless but it's
liberating, no longer breathing, no longer here,
surrender, surrender to the tide

oh no.
my hand slipped.
if ur thinking of hurting urself too pls dont do it its not worth it and will only escalate. it wont give you the control u want and ull just feel more lonely and secretive and vulnerable lol.
194 · Jan 2019
howl
hani aqil Jan 2019
he came in my dreams one night
faceless, bleeding fluorescent pink
dragonfly wings
caved at feet
Bugs are so easy to squash

a child is a
limp rag doll
is a two tongued succubus
carving fishnets in flesh

I cannot touch but
I can scream from the watchtower
in the dead of night
in the dense blackness
void penetrated by a voice
dissipating in futility

as the
fish on deck
spluttering, scales fluttering
entwines in honeycomb plastic

who knew the one who started it all
had the strength to take it all away?
tongues are so dangerous
they can taste ever so sweet and slick
or cut like knives
wet with anger
the sweetness I drowned in is now
oil
petals rotten, blackened and thickened the water
fragment me
over and over

Me, a wolf
Bit a chunk
But drowned
in my shadow
Conjugate
I’m one with the one I despise

I am
Venus fly
Antichrist embedded
Parasitic blood

Who knew the one who started it all
Had the sense to take it all away?

Who's your
Precious little child now?
Who's your
Precious little child now?

Father, child
Cat and mouse
Choke, choke and cough up that
Inheritance
you *******

Ripe for the plucking like a plum begging for harvest
A cat may as well be a mouse to a wolf
A cat may as well be a mouse to a wolf
sorry for inconsistent formatting im a lazy *******

— The End —