The heat of your forehead -
An oval of warmth on mine
Mint breath
And soft breathing
Your hands tighten as you relax
Fingers kissing
I say  be still
And guide you with my inhales and exhales
And the fear and the hurt and the anger drain out of you
Into a puddle on the floor
And you're a puddle in my arms
I love you so, little puddle

I have a lot of monsters
Some are here and some are there
They hide inside my closet doors
Or whisper in my hair
They were made to **** me
And one day
One of them will win
But when I feel your arms around me
I don't let those monsters in

If you were here -
I'd be warm. Cool. In between.
Hungry. Full.
Somewhere in between -
Amongst the push and pull.
Tired. Awake.
One or the other -
Stir. Shake.
Shiver. Sweat.
Remember. Forget.
If you were here -
Shiver. Shake.
If be either sleep or
Awake.
But here I am -
Stuck.
Push, pull
Back, forth

****.

Half a hundred orphans
Orphaned by choice
By shame
"God's will"
"In his name"
"Abominations, every one"
"Abomination"
That's my son

Someone's daughter -
Late one night
Looking for a bite, no fight
Gunned down
In the name of god
For the love of God
No fight

Dead. On a club dance floor
One dead, two dead
Dozens more
Alive -
Orphans parents live
They give
They grieve
They cry

Changing minds
Changing clothes
Changing lives
Goodbye for real, not by choice this time
One man -
One gun
One night

No one could put up a fight.

Goodbye - Mom and Dad say
We didn't mean goodbye that *way

Your soft whispers
Give me shivers
Fingers quiver
On my cheek
Speaking softly
Breathing, wafting
Don't stop talking
Always speak

Kiss me softly
Kiss me long
Roughly, gently
Kiss me (til I'm) wrong

I came to a fork in the road.
I stared at it for a long time.
It stared back, daunting.
Unmoving.
I picked it up and snapped it over my knee.

I decided to not decide.
I used the fork to eat my lunch.
Sitting there -
at a fork in the road.
I ate. And slept.
Refusal.

I refuse to cooperate.

My Cosmonaut
Scouring the stars for me
His life is all night and glitter
As I watch from my little marble
He floats
He flies
My Cosmonaut will rise
To the challenge
And bring a little space back
For me

I've never seen so many people.
So many people to let down, so many people to make proud.

Warm days
Make me think of your little feet, little one
Your little toes
Wiggle, giggle
Warm days
Make me think of your laugh, little one
The little bubbles in your throat
funny, tummy
Warm days
Make me think of your name little one
Your little love letter
*Keasbey, Keasbey

It's really quiet.
The baby sleeps better than I ever will, if I ever will.
No one replies to my text messages.
Maybe their phone is dead, or at home -
But it still means they hadn't thought of me.

It's really dark.
I closed all the blinds and curtains, scared of what will melt out of or into the nighttime.
The baby sleeps with his door open, hardly afraid. I thought he would've wanted to sleep next to me for safety, and yet I wish I was sleeping near him for safety.

Sometimes a little body next to you is all you need.
Or a text message.
Or a little bit of sunlight.
Anybody.


Anybody?

Who decided to rhyme grip with slip?
The harder I grip
The more things slip through my hands
I'm gripping
Things slipping
Which is which?
Sometimes, I can't even tell
I'm gripping school
And yet my grades are slipping
I'm gripping money
And yet it slips like pennies through my fingers
I'm gripping God
And yet He I feel the cloth of his robe slipping away
I'm gripping Life
And yet I often feel like Dying
Not unhappy
I'm not crying
Just confused, annoyed
Because everything I'm gripping
Knuckles white
Running till I'm tripping
Is slipping away

You're walking
I'm waiting
And soon we'll be here, now.
Your heavy feet
My heavy eyes
And our eyes will meet
And my lips will bow
In a smile

Um I wasn't done writing that.
said the girl with the eyes somewhere above her chest and the hair as black as *****.

There you'll be
Waiting for me
Down on your knee
There you'll be

*Yes

Will the vibrations my footfalls make - make a difference?
Will they leave anything behind for the bugs and the rats in the ground?
The grit -
What will be left where my footprints sit?
Scuffs, scratches -
Or maybe I'll make the ground smooth where I walk
When I talk -
Do my words matter?
Will the things I say shatter -
Or create something new?
Will I leave a trail -
Or will I simply make a trail for someone else?
Does my foot tapping -
To other people's art -
Count as my own?
Or am I just a collection of reactions?
Unable to make others react?

Other people play piano
Other people sing
I can't do either
I can't do nothing
I can't do a single thing

Other people paint a picture
Other people dance
I've tried, I've failed
I can't do nothing

But I can't just do nothing anymore

Buried in sand
Inhaling, shaking
Tense embrace lulls me
You hold me
And forever
I feel Held.

I proposed to myself tonight
And fell asleep in your clothes
The fan blades hum a harmony
To the breathing in my dreams

I miss you when you're gone.
You're gone for far far far too long.
You're standing over there.
I can't find you anywhere.
I miss you when you're gone.
You've been gone so so so very long.
You glanced at me just now.
But you're not here, so I'm not sure how.
You're in a mood today.
It's a shame you had to go away.
I miss you when you're gone.
You've been gone for far too long.

I'll see you tonight.
But I have a feeling you won't arrive.
And when you leave, you'll still be erased.
As if you were never there in the first place.
I'll see you tonight.
But I don't think you'll be there.
You'll be where?
Anywhere, but here.
I'm here.

You (perfect) wrapped me (shivering and ridiculous) up in a blanket (warm).
You (wonderful) sat next to me (falling asleep) and ate the sandwich I bought (pretty good).
You (perfect) are perfect. I (loves you) love you.

I couldn't give a **** what heat engines are.
My job is to tell a couple little snot noses to sit their ***** down and drink juice - it's easy and I love it. I couldn't give a **** about heat engines.
(I mean, aren't all engines hot anyway?)
But when I watch you kneeling in front of a whiteboard, drawing out diagrams for your coworker about what you're learning in physics, my heart jumps out of my ******* throat and slaps my computer screen like a raw steak. Not exactly a romantic metaphor I know, but it's accurate.
I never thought Expo pens could be ****. I never thought math could be ****, for ***** sake. But you do it somehow.
Everything about you drives me nuts. Looking at you gives me the biggest feelings I've ever felt, and I get scared I'm going to explode. Really. People say stuff like that, but it's true - it feels like I'm going to explode like some sort of adorable grenade.
I don't know what to do with myself. Ever.
Go to church - yeah.
Get my degree - sure.
Go to work - totally.
But with myself? I have no ******* clue.
For one, I don't think I can come hang out with you at work anymore. You have a certain amount of professionalism to maintain, and I am a threat to that - in the most violently affectionate way possible. I am so close to tackling you in a bear hug and spooning you right here in this classroom. I never considered how painful it is to love somebody. In the best ways and the worst ways.

Now you're sitting in the armchair next to me, the ****** little coffee maker filling the air between us. You talk with your friends and draw  and type into your calculator and occasionally glance at me and every time you do anything, I  . . .  I can't. I can't even explain how it feels. You are the antidote and the virus to every part of me. Loving you has been the most exhilarating and most miserable experience of my life. Loving you has taught me how agony can be sweet. Loving you has changed my life and will continue to change my life.

I've lost interest in almost everything. School is school, work is work, books have become boring and friends have become obsolete. You feel the same way, and your Mom thinks you're depressed, but you're not. Neither of us are. We're so ready. We're so ready for something new.

I have never stared at someone so shamelessly in all my life. I could listen to you talk about heat engines for the rest of my life.
That's the plan, anyway.

If my blood stayed blue
I'd be prettier for you
I'd sacrifice myself
To keep the fighting few

Yet my blood stays red
So I'll lay here in my bed
Writing poetry for us
Because I'll love you till I'm dead

There aren't any pretty words for this.
There aren't really any words at all.
After you said goodnight (and I ripped your heart in half because I'm angry and stupid and absolutely evil) I went to the bathroom and nearly vomited.
I tried to cry. I could feel the hours and hours of tears filling up my head but every time I tried, I would deflate like a balloon. The tears just wouldn't come. I nearly vomited again.
I nearly went into the kitchen and got the bottle of peppermint schnapps to get myself drunk so I didn't have to think about how I just absolutely ruined my relationship but when I tried to stand I collapsed on my bed.
I tried to go get a knife to teach myself a lesson but I didn't have any bandaids and I couldn't get up anymore.
I have never felt more evil or more wrong or more hurtful.
If you're reading this, please forgive me.
Please, dear God, forget what I said.
I'm begging you.
My anger got the best of me.
Please don't let me define the worst of you.
And even as I type, I can hear you forming your break up speech.
I can hear your stomach trying to digest itself.
I can hear you crying and thinking about how horrible you are.
And I made it worse.
It's my job to protect you and I failed. I hurt you. I hurt you so badly.
I can't
I can't do it
I thinking I'm going to throw up again

Your eyes - they can't look at me right now, so I can't see their beautiful blue
But they belong to you
So I love them
Your smile - it doesn't light up your face today
But close my eyes and see it anyway
So I love it
Your lips - although they speak quiet and cannot kiss
Are my only escape and my bliss
And I pretend I can feel them
And I'm happy
Your fingers - although hesitant to hold me
Are warm and strong, completely wholly
Yours, and though they can't be mine right now
I love them, laying in your lap

To keep from collapse, I can always imagine you happy

When you and I are old
Our bony fingers cold
Hair growing growing gray
You'll kiss me and you'll say
Remember when you cried
The day our hearts both died
You curled up on the floor
Smashed your head against the door
I'll chuckle and I'll smile
It will have been a while
Yes dear, but now you're mine
For that, was just a time.

Crystal honey
Sugar bath
No thought in love
No hesitation in touch
Small, warm animal
Safe and sound
No worry
No fear of thought
Early smile
Uncontrollable
Runs it's fingers through his hair
Little ginger tinkerbell
Fly, without care
Loved.

Driving pavement wet
Headphones keep me from silence
You aren't by my side

That grey gold curtain
Mexican restaurant glows
In the winter sun

You think you are dull
My heart is so very full
Of you and your laugh

Sleep like I'm right here
Piglet cheeks shine in the dark
Our pinkies touching

My darling
Don't ever believe you're boring
My darling
My darling
Don't ever believe you're nothing
When you're everything
My darling
To me
Sleep soundly
My darling
My darling
I can see the parting of your lips in sleep
My darling
Never forget I'm thinking of you
Darling
You're everything to me

One winter closer
One degree cooler
To one degree warmer
One winter closer
One more long stride
Until we're no longer hiding
One winter closer
Three seasons more
Until we're two winters close
But we're one winter closer
We're a dozen kisses closer to each other
We're a million cents away from being one
A thousand days away from winter sun
We're impatient, ever waiting
Waiting for the waiting to be done
One winter closer
To being one

I could do this little back and forth forever
I'm always here to tell you how I feel
You're not defined by what you find outside you
It's what I see and love that's really real

I can feel your kisses
Like an antidote
Fill my blood
And the oxygen in my lungs

Pushing the toxins out
Along with the pain
And poison
Your perfect balm
Your healing hand

I know I'm going to marry you

My prayer - sitting in the car before work

God,
Please make today better.
It sounds selfish but
I kinda want something amazing to happen today.
Something that makes it impossible for me to be miserable.
Like Ryan.
I want a miracle God.
Like Ryan.
Something to make the day less heavy.
Something to make the time less slow.
Anything to cheer me up right now God.
A miracle.

Those holy lily petals
Drenched in dew
Open their pale mouths
To the blood
Dripping from steel pipes
Faithful bleeding
The lilies whirl
In a divine breeze

I hear Jesus here.
In this radio - penetrating the holy silence.
In the little girls yelling - playing cards games to celebrate a birthday.
In my boyfriend's frustrated puffs of breath - as he wrestles with homework.
I feel Jesus here.
In the warm air - the ovens heating the frigid Seattle weather.
In the pillows - holding my head up, like the air up above water.
I know Jesus here.
I know Jesus.
I know.
He Knows me.

God is my master.
I love Him more than all in my life.
He is the Master of my mind, my body, my heart.
He is my Shepherd.
He is beautiful.
He is love.
He is perfect.
He loves me more than I can comprehend.

God is telling me to stay.
So I will stay.
I cannot leave my church.
I cannot leave my family.
I cannot leave my city.
This is where I belong.
This is where I belong.
This is where I belong.

I belong. I belong. I belong.

In God I am made pure.
In God I am made clean.
In God I am rinsed of my sin.
In God I am white as snow.

Countless second chances He has given me.
Dear Lord, I need another today.
Today - I ask You for forgiveness.
Make me clean again.

I pray for them.
Ryan Kimmy Chiso Becky Dave Iris Mom Dad Kellie Tim Grandma Tim Debbie Laura Grandpa Betty Cindy Lori Shea Asher John Al Brian Teri Pamm Louie Chris Michael Tristan Bailey Victor Nikkie Mailee Andrew The Zachary's Kylie Michael and Megan Jade Airika Allie Bill Moriah Madison Mike Lani Moriah Tori Lenni Todd Maddie Hilary Holly Bella Jamie JT Bella Abby Sarah Anna Rick Ashtin Aaron Aleasha Christian Brian Gus Abbie Jenn Alec Jean Lois Larry Ryan Jake Bud Erin Tyler Jasmine Launts Wendy Michael Bella Sam Tony Ryan Ian Deric Jen Sam Erin Hanna Jamie Chad Mia Laura Tony Alena Tyrus Jack Luke Jenny Greg Reagan Kennedy Wilson Konni Wayne Brian Cammy Trina Mike Kameron Kasey Nikki Lexi Jelly Harley Izzie Rosie DJ Lillian Adrian Avery Asher Tyler Heidi Dan Sarah Ryan Griffin Daniel Jessica Pax Cory Abel Chandra Dave Julia Bethany Chris Orion Lindsay Twila Tracy Brandon Nate Braeden Amanda Jonah Luke Crosby Charlie Mark Debbie Ian Joy Susan Catherine Jeff Jill Andy Anna Joel Jacquie Tracy Shelby Brenden Grace Bruna Brendan Jadan Ariel Rick Johnna Laila Becca Joren Skylar David Lovins Gettys Nanny Papa My Cousins Grace Wanda Lamont Michael Amy Stephanie Tyler Tim Jeff Anthony Mikayla Emily Emily Sabrina Thomas Caleb Rene Sabra Autumn Cort Riley Cole Kaylee Amber Eryn Christina Trinity Bethany Kati Ben Jacob Megan Megan

and so so many more

May God bless you and keep you
Amen

If I seemed quiet this morning
It's because every time you looked at me
I thought I might explode -
Overwhelmed with every inch of skin and skin and skin . . .
That curve of your forearm
And the smooth expanse of your collarbone
Your rough fingertips and your
Ankles as you rolled your wet jeans
I kept my mouth shut
So none of this **** slipped out my mouth
In the middle of school

You run your fingers
Through your wet hair
And bare your teeth
Like a feral animal
Ready to devour me
I watch your strong, sure footed walk
Heavy boots clanking like cinder blocks
You always know exactly where you're going
Even when you claim you're blind
Warm, calloused hands hang at your sides
Teasing me
Now you sit there, reading physics
As if your dripping hair
And your wide shoulders
And your sure walk
And your warm hands
And that ******* pink lipped smirk
Were not enough to make me feel like I
Am Orual begging Cupid for a kiss
Pleading to unbutton every scrap of clothing
To see that perfect face and body
Pleading for me too

But I'm no Psyche
And you're no idiot
I'll never be Psyche for you

That little metal heaven
Where I felt you near me
That little metal heaven
Where I speak - no one can hear me

I want to love you better now and love you better later.
I'm trying not to hate myself because I know you hate it.
If this is how I love you, I don't think I'm meant to love.
I miss the days when you could say you fit me like a glove.

I'll never know if I'm doing this right will I?
I'll never know if You approve, so what's the ******* point?
I miss that little happiness that felt so big inside of me.
I miss those little moments, where he could just belong to me.
I'll never miss, this broken aching stinging slicing tearing soul ******* ******* pain.
Never again.

God, find me in this hour, in this infinity.
Give me the tools to be who I need to be.
Show me what to do to, to honor You.
Show me how to love him in Your name.
Give me the strength to be who I want to be.
Give me the patience to see the way I'm supposed to see.
Lord, give him happiness, even if I cannot be a part.
No matter what, he will always keep and hold my heart.

Our little road trip
Don't know the destination
Whispering lip to lip
No amount of hesitation
You bring the snacks
While I give directions
Our little road trip
Don't know the destination

In that darkness
Perfect darkness
You will be my little light
I can't see you
As we lay there
But I will hold you through the night

Mnyamata

I pretended you were laying next to me, stroking my hair back to kiss my face. I smiled contentedly, and on my exhale, remembered you were not here. A physical ache pains my chest. As if heartbreak was literal.
I feel like I'm losing you. You're slipping through my fingers like sand, and I'm trying to catch you with a colander. Soon enough you'll be smoke that I'm trying to catch with my bare hands.
This is the most alone I've felt in a long time. I pray but God is silent.
Tonight will be a long night. If you wake up and read this, know that it's not your fault I'm crying. I'm not sure why I'm crying. I have to many reasons to choose from.
I hope you sleep better than I will.

Ndimakukonda

Dear God -
Please let me be strong.
I don't know what he needs God - please tell me. Please help me. If he needs space, give me the strength to be alone for a while. If he needs me to be honest - give me the strength to be honest. If he needs me to be happy - God, please give me the insurmountable strength to be happy.
Show me how to love him. You know I've never done that right. Help me love him God.
Please tell him he doesn't need to feel guilty anymore. Tell him that he's okay and he has nothing to be ashamed of. Tell him how loved he is and how greatly he has improved me. Tell him how well he's doing and how proud and grateful I am. Tell me, please God, that he doesn't need to feel guilty.
God - remove all this selfishness and jealousy from my brain. The little part of me that wants to be jealous of the girl in the hospital because he seems to care more about her than me. Remove those lies from my head. I know they aren't true but Satan wants to convince me that I'm not good enough. I don't have anything to be jealous of. So I pray that she makes a speedy recovery and that she turns to you for relief and not to a bottle of pills.
God - give me the strength to tell Ryan all this in person so he doesn't have to keep guessing.

Amen

**** among the grain
Let it grow
Let it go

There used to be a brick wall here
But the lovely construction men put up a chain link fence instead
I can finally see through -
Through the metal chinks -
In between the wiring
I relish the feeling of wrapping my fingers around the frame -
Feeling the world on the other side
I can't join it yet
But each finger is a little victory

There is no mountain
I cannot climb
With you beside me

I saw a woman at school who looked a lot like you today. I was sitting outside History 111, waiting for class to start. She came walking down the hallway toward me but stopped a little ways away and sat. I thought she was you. But then I realized you would've had no reason to be there. This woman wasn't you - her hair was too short, her skin too light. On a second glance, I probably wouldn't have seen the resemblance at all. I think I just see your face a lot these days. You're often on my mind. I wonder how often I'm on yours.
I messaged you on Facebook a few weeks ago, telling you that I miss you. You didn't reply, I don't know if you even saw it. Your ex husband  spends a lot of time with us. It's nice to have him around, I really like him. He isn't you though. But you left.
You didn't just leave him Erin - you left all of us. You left me. It makes me feel like such a child, lying in the dirt and ******* my thumb, crying for you to come back. It's like when I was growing up, and I wished I could've hung out with the older kids but they always left me behind. It's an old kind of pain that I hoped never to feel again, but you've brought it all back.
I wonder if you loved me. I loved you, I still love you. You were like an older sister to me. I admired you every second you were near me. You brought me chocolate tacos and blood oranges and makeup and we talked and talked and you always made me laugh. I still see your parents, but it feels like they've left me a bit too. Your brother left a long time ago. And now you.
I miss you so much. I can't remember the last time I saw you. You just cut me out of your life, you cut us all out of your life. You abandoned me. And I'm so ******* furious with you.
But I pray every day that you'll come back. I miss you so much.

Binbyn

We sprawled there
Roots of the galaxy
Tumble dry -
tumbling waterfall
Claws clipped
Digging into my shoulder
Veins of soil on your earthy pillow
Dripping, soaking mud
Every second was a supernova
Burning into life and dying into another
Fever filled marathon -
Digging in the dirt
Hoping to find the treasure box
We know we cannot keep
But we dig it up anyway

Ground holds my
Feet up holds my
Legs up holds my hips -
hips hold my
torso holds my
shoulders hold my
head holds my lips -
my chin being held up by my hands
held up by the table -
he looks at me with far away eyes -
coffee cup falling asleep in front of him -
the world dissolving into wavy lines and fuzz -
warm and thick like gravy -
he looks and me and he tells me I belong
I have a fat smile -
all my words dissolve like pats of butter on a pancake
and I feel like I belong

"Sometimes you treat me with disdain, other times with affection and love, both these treatments mixing in with one another until I can't tell if you're confessing love or hate for me, or confessing nothing at all and I reprimand myself for assuming that anything you do means anything, that the most likely scenario is that I am nothing to you, and then I wonder if I am missing the meaningful moments altogether and all these thoughts and hundreds of thousands of others come crashing through my head everytime you look at me and then once again when you look away, forming this huge, cacophonous, bewildering mass of everything that's happened within the last five minutes and how it relates to everything that happened five days ago and everything one friend has just whispered to me and everything my other friend has confessed and how it all fits together and it's like a puzzle but some of the pieces are invisible and others are far too big to fit and hold very little of the picture and some pieces are almost microscopic and hold the most important parts of the image and there's no picture on the box to go off of, there's not even a box, it's like I'm sitting underneath a chute that drops more pieces of the puzzle on me, sometimes huge heaps and sometime single pieces, so I wonder what I'm missing if I'm missing anything and some of the pieces are from other puzzles so I don't know which ones even matter to me at all, and this is how my head is every second of every minute of every day unbeknownst to everyone around me.

This is how you make me feel."


I'm the worst. I can't control my anger or my thirst. I'm so ******* confused, I might implode. My heart might just collapse beneath this load. No longer understand a single thing I think. Trying to drown myself in my bathroom sink. No longer recognize a single thing I say. No longer think that I can ever find a way. I'm ******* tired of treating you the way I do. Don't know how to love you how God wants me too. I don't know if my sanity I'll ever keep. I'll never know, so I'll just cry myself to sleep.

One day one of us will open a door
You might open a door to our new home
Carrying me across the threshold on your back
Or I may open a door
Carrying a stack of books
Or a picture of my face
Or a container full of take out
Or a bouquet of flowers
You might drop me on my feet and kiss me harder than you ever have before
Or I may walk slowly across the linoleum floor
My footsteps louder than they've ever been
I may hear the sound of music coming from our new bedroom
Or I may hear the sound of the machines keeping you awake
Or happy
Or even alive
You may smile at me
Or I may smile at you
You may take my hand and lead me to our marriage bed
Or I may take your hand and count the bones under your skin
You may kiss me
Or you may not be able to
We may finally be joined as one flesh
Or you may be moving farther and farther from me with every breath
But I will love you
And I will always love you