if I was a light switch
would you leave me on
to always feel this way
to always feel as if I do not matter
because the sun is wandering and that is leaving me alone
with nothing but windchill to keep my company
and that is okay
I am okay with that
because it means
I can get closer
to the rain.

Blissfully, I recount,
his eyes as grey as the sea,
blissfully, he spoke,
vibrations shoving insects aside
to push his words to me,
as a storm does, as a storm does

Rain, beating on his window,
shocked him awake and in turn, horrified me,
gathering thunder to himself as if
he were Zeus's favorite, his shivers shaking the house,
as a storm does, as a storm does

and one by one, we traveled alone,
with winds adorning our heads,
and bit, by bit, he gave himself,
to me, as though
I could save him
as a storm does, to a port,
as a storm does.

in little shattered
bits of future
with cards and ash and radium
all spread around my brain
I wrap my fingers around your bone
to tug it away
from my heart
which you have been clinging to
for far too long
and I cast off
the phosphorous light
that have ignited my lungs
and filled my fists
with a rage
rivaled only
by the dragons
in stories my mother would read to me
until I fell asleep
clinging to a razorblade.

I fear the dark
because it has been my escape
and not my salvation
and your brown hair could mop a ballroom
but right now
all I want
is to feel
your skin
is that so bad
is it so bad to hope
that someone understands?

Feel alone, not broken,
head under the seas,
kiss the fish, my darlin',
come back to me, please

I, am, a treasure chest,
watch the waves, slowly crest,
kiss the top, baby steps,
Lead me to our new love nest

My heart, the very center of my being, has been locked away,
thrown carelessly into the expanse of space I hold so very dear,
locked inside a glass jar, a glass jar full of embalming fluid and Earl Grey,
to hold me inside, to contain me, to comfort me,
as I float away, as I watch the stars from inside my glass prison, my chosen media for viewing the galaxies that held me alive,
as I die among my hearts,
among the stars, each one another poet,
freefalling.

I have only ever heard snatches of conversation
Ranging from arguments to confessions of love
Once, a proposal
The light blinds me but not the light from fixtures
The light from you, my love, my only caretaker
From the store I was borne from, I was surrendered, helpless, upon you
And began my cycle
Bells and songs
The sad sobbing, one year
"They're gone. They're all gone. Who gets these?"
And then stillness. Silence.

Darkness.

If I mattered
If my body wasn't going to rot
And turn to dust
Then maybe
Maybe I could believe
Maybe I could hope
But I am attached
To my body
for it is what make me who I am
And I don't want to lose myself.

how can you expect me to talk you down from a ledge when I'm the one on it?

**** ME
god
I cannot stand
these
hea/rtbreaks
and people who
^% ****
these bits
of me
littered with
fallen &^&*
puncuation

whenever you lose me
I swear to be there
in the dark
behind the shower curtain, someone invisible
screaming "hello"
to be greeted
to be acknowledged
to be physical
to be noticed,
oh god, someone tell me I'm here
Someone tell me I made it
I'm here
I fought for this and now I'm here
and I will be seen
I swear to be there
today
I swear to be noticed
because I am sick of
standing in the dark.

We sat down together, and she began to ask questions.
"Age, age is a funny thing, is it not?"
"Ah, yes. My lover, my mental cannibal, she is 18. Or was. I think she's dead."
"Keep going, friend."
"About what?"
"The thing that eats your mind away. I have one too. Did she wither away?"

I shift in my chair, uneasy. The pit of my stomach begins to ache.

"She disappeared. She was sick, you see, and one day, she simply disappeared. Oh, I didn't give up there, I try to contact her to this very day. It's the not knowing that eats at my skull."
"What part eats at you, her absence or her presence elsewhere?"
"Her absence."
"Do you speak?"
"Love is too cruel to want to have it again. We used Skype."
"Ah, real person."
"As real as I am."
"That's a statement too profound to mean anything and to meaningful to not mean anything at all."
"In the end, I'm only as real as I want to be - which is to say, a ghost, nothing more and nothing less."
"Everything is nothing. Projection. What did you talk about? Did she love you too?"
"We talked about everything. The universe and life and love and ***. I like to think that she loved me."
"What was she sick with?"
"I don't remember. But she was so beautiful, as she coughed and hacked and still smiled when she saw me."
"Did she name you Goat?"
"No. I named myself that, because I eat everything until I am left alone in a pile of my own filth."
"Is she still there? Do you still hear her?"
"I hear her voice, her laugh, everywhere. I miss her. Every part. I miss it when I did something stupid and she laughed. I miss her eyes when she read one of my poems. I miss hearing her sing out on the stairs. I miss her wild hair."
"Pain- write about that, write about relief."
"The only relief for me is death, and I'm not that desperate yet."
"Ah, desperate to end this suffering? Write about death and write about love and life and addiction and form and state and *** and senses."
"It feels like so much longer than it has been. Everything moment is a lifetime. In fact, it must've been. It's inhumane, this suffering."
"I think you mean too human."
"Perhaps."

hey! we
we all gonna die
we ALL gonna die
and i think there's a level of trust involved with accepting that
like bringing a psychopath out to a field
but put a knife in my hand and suddenly
that little knife becomes a fish
without a stream
but baby
i'm
the
ocean

Because guess what? I cried.
I cried when you gave me a shirt. Because that's what Dads do.
I couldn't let you see me cry,
because that would be weak
and if anyone hates weakness, it's you.
Because guess what? You scare me.
I'm scared to death that I mess up.
Because guess what? I don't dye my hair anymore.
So you don't see me be myself.
I push down feelings and desires and questions and fight an oncoming storm of hate telling me I'm stupid.
I drink, and I do stupid ****, and I yell and I talk too loud and I'm afraid of drowning
and people see it and think, "He'll never be liked, look at how fat he is! How badly his clothes fit!"
because guess what? I'm scared to ask you things. I'm scared to ask for new clothes. Because guess what, dad? You weren't there.
And as long as I have fast food cups in my bedroom, you'll be there -
yelling that I can't do math.
in denial, scaring me, showing me your way
showing me your anger and how you can't believe you ****** me up
how you can't believe I'm scrambled like an egg
and how I gotta fight this, how I gotta fight myself because you're here
because I'm scared to fight you instead.

Don't you dare leave him here
Don't you dare
Don't you dare leave him here
She felt as if he wasn't even there
wasn't listening
was lost in an abyss
as if he didn't matter
as if he didn't care
and I told you to be there
but this world can't understand
the whispers of my breaking mind
shattering under the pressure
of the sea
When I crack
when I break
don't cry
listen to my voice
saying
"I wasn't okay!"
and each time I bring my fever to my lips and inhale
and let out a steady stream of blue smoke
I feel
inhibition
slipping away
in the rain
and if I run into the river
without help
let the thunder
stroke my ego
until I feel
important
again.

It's a dark morning
Today
I can smell the ozone
It's a dark
Morning
Today
I can smell the pavement, the pure city
inside me, as if
As if I can be cotton
But it's a dark morning
and I should have been asleep
and I'll remember those storms til the day I die
til
the dark I die
I'll remember
that
dead morning
that dark mourning
like the pouring rain
dark morning.

i crumble, wet sugar, slipping down the side of my glass,
my eyes cant focus, except for on you, the only clear thing in my sight

think for a moment, dear
about all the birthdays
of all the good people on the earth.

now think for a moment,
about all the birthdays of all the bad people on the earth

and notice
the former
is much higher
than the latter

and realize
the earth
is not a good place yet.

and I feel alone
and I am alone
I'm alone
and the walls are closing in
and they're shrinking under pressure
and there's blood on your sheets
from the glass in my bed
and your heart
was beating in my hand
before it died
alone
and pained
and she didn't mind
and I did
so I left
and I regret that
thankfully
I'm still here
but its so cold
I'm so cold
I just
I want
I want to be warm
and I want to be alive
and I don't want to be broken
and you should have been kinder
and you should have been there
and you should have told me
and you should have loved me
and you didn't
and I suppose
that's my fault
and I miss
I miss the warmth
I miss you
I miss you
and the ******* moon
tried to convince me
that you were right
and I
I believed it
and I believe it
and I miss
I miss you

The dust has only just begun to settle,
on dead fields, barren once more, since then, since then.

Nebulae have only just begun to settle, fabrics of your mind,
folding, turning, since then, since then.

Oily words have only just begun to settle, on my skin,
black streaks along my skin, since then, since then.

I can't feel my words, only yours
filling my head with the dread
a confusion of princes, blonde, i imagine
and i can choke down the bile,
but only for a while, til i think of him,
with you, again
i know he has not touched your lips,
and i have, and i miss
the way they felt on my arms, my shoulders, and nothing is
quite the same, when i try
i can run my hands down my sides, down my thighs,
but they are nothing like yours,
touching his, touching his

pierce my soul
with the heavens help
and no one will cry for me
any longer
they're all gone now, she said
as if it mattered
as if they could save me
when all I wanted
all I need
is someone to cry for me
for its such a lovely day
and I can't help but grieve the loss of you
because you were all I knew
you were all I wanted
and now I know nothing
I am blind in a world of grey
and I prefer it this way.

Im haunted inside
I wish she could come back to life
explore all over my mind
i wish she could come back to life
come back to my life
dance a waltz around my heart
and stomp all over my life
take who i am inside
turn back to who i should be
defrost me defrost me
im shaving every day
running
i think ive grown from this sidewalk
but i need sun again
or i feel like im withering withering
honestly
i dont want to move on. i want to
hold the back of your neck when i kiss you and
finish x files with you and
miss you again
if we are not healed by valentines i will
i will buy you what you wanted

Hey, Sara
do you remember me? I'm
the neighbor kid
from 2006
we were kids
and reading from ***** books
you found in your moms dresser
and you let
me try your
cream soda
at 2 PM
and your parents were at work
and I was so happy
I kissed you.

There is no one I miss
more
than the feeling of you
crawling into bed with me
but there are no monsters,
but men,
there are no monsters,
but men,
there are no monsters, but men,
only us who cling to sinking ships
who wave hello and blow out candles
there are no monsters,
but men
only us who wish death upon ourselves,
only us, who punish, for punishing,
only us, who torture, for torture,
only us, who hunt, for sport,
there are no monsters, but men
and as much as dear Jordan attempted to clear,
he could not escape the men,
Hello, they sang, hello, he whispered,
thinking,
there are no monsters, but men
Dear Jordan, he fought, a champion,
Dear Jordan, with lions and fish,
Dear Jordan, who hunts, as pure as he is,
Dear Jordan, our own,
personal,
man.

lay down in bed like I'm in my coffin
feel my bones, whistle rattle and shake
Drop my hand on the table like I'm all in
Got all hands on my heart to break
Steal the soul out my world with a silver tongue
pull the plug on the day the world aches
can't ever forget, they all tell me
"Least you're still young"

is there anything
that separates me
from a common disease
because all we do
is infect
and ****.

i can breathe you like air but baby
i don't mind holding my breath

can i fall in love
with someones words?

Just a little bit more, just a little more
pull her up and around and tie the noose
just a little bit more, just a little more
teach me to fly, it's so nice to be me
just a little bit more, just a little more
pills and drinks and shiny things, pearls and rubies
just a little bit more, just a little more
teach me to fly, it's so nice to be me
teach me to fly
just a little bit more

You can break me down
to what I am
at my very core
and I guarantee
you will find
nothing.
because every day
that passed without you
tore a little piece from me
and now I'm left alone
standing in the rain
and I don't know where to go.

and oh, I'm a man
I'm a man and I dance but oh, please don't love me
oh, please don't
oh please, I'm no good anymore, I've gone and spoiled
and I've swung from the trunk of a war elephant
and that's all I have anymore, oh
to find love in this town requires a bottle and perhaps a lighter to find me

When all is gone,
When all has faded,
When my universe has left,
When my stars have evacuated,
And the world is dying,
Wake me up,
And I will write a new one,
I will paint a world.

For I am weary
and grimy
and ridden with holes and
I cannot seem to calm
my mind
Enough to sleep
With thoughts of you
And
Thoughts of them
And the sweet smell of tea
With thoughts
Like animals
Chasing round my head
Filled with
Images
Of my mother crying
Because I had lost
My life
Once again.

Is it okay
if sometimes
I can't tell the difference between
you and me
the places that separated us
have gone and disappeared
and now when you're gone
I am too
and I can't take anymore of this
I hear drums in the background
and it must be a sonata
waiting for me to conduct it
a pulsing rhythm
In and out
like the swell of a crowd
with the sweat intermingling
and I can't tell
who you are
you're just a circle
nothing but a circle
something fluid like the water
dripping from my shirtsleeves
in the dark
in the dark with no blue moon anymore
you took my blue moon
when you left
and you can stay away
because I can't handle this
I just can't
I can't live
with this solitude
So someone come along
and free me
from the mental

I am giving up on you
because you don't seem to care
you don't act like I'm here
and I run faster
because its muggy
and cold outside
and I can't even tell you
that i love you anymore
if you won't read it
if you won't tell me
you love me anymore.

As we have proven time and time again,
we cannot even save ourselves
allowing us to die and rot
and with time
even love will die
fading into a darkened sky
leaving behind all of us
wondering where our passion has gone

if you sliced my throat and turned
me uʍop ǝpısdn
would
my fear
pour out
in liquid?

there is a certain beauty in death
in suicide
in the full throttle
pushed to the limit
until I
crashed into the tree
and with a snap
a match is gone.

How odd, though,
that upon the occasion of the sky crying,
we feel kinship,
and warmth
among the water.

Don't make me miss you
it's not fair
if you
won't miss me
because I am just something to throw away.

It's 3:01 and
I don't know what I'm doing
What am I doing
You seem to have
disappeared
off the face of the planet
and there's indents
on my mattress
from your body
and my sheets still smell of your sweat
and it makes me burn
with matches
everything
that could have connected me to you
because you're gone now
you keep GOING
and I keep staying here
I should move with you
save us the heartache, dear
and I smash the radio
because it makes me cry
playing songs that remind me
of mattresses
my sheets are blue
and faded
and you smell of goodness and light
and dear god
you're just an image
on a screen
tearing
my
heart
out.

**** this all to hell.
Ignore the screeching
from my machines
and the clack of his cold
steel boots
on a marble floor
because we don't need them anymore
we can survive on our own
on this barren planet
with our own rose bushes
and thorns
to end it.