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354 · Apr 2019
Women
L Apr 2019
I tremble before their form.
They are the terror of all who’ve witnessed them. Women are an event. Women crack the earth and grow the sunflower, they storm the land and rip me with their breath. And I fall to my knees in prayer. For I, woman that I am not, have killed women by my mere existence. And if I look her in the eye, will she turn me to stone. If I dare to speak, will she take my voice away.

I fear the women I’ve seen; will a woman ever forgive me?
Well, does a god forgive after you’ve slaughtered its kind?
If you are like me, if you are not a woman, you should know— do not be kind. She will **** you if kindness be your only offer.
Devotion is the only answer.
Worship is the only salvation.
And the life you are allowed to live after that,
the only forgiveness.
354 · Sep 2019
Masking
L Sep 2019
The compass inside me has always been fragile, broken. Do you know what happens to a child with no direction? They wear your face. I knew the grownups didn’t love me the way I was. I’ve never been loved. Not when I wore my own face.
353 · Sep 2019
The Bucket and The Fire
L Sep 2019
I have a fire in my heart. When I was a child, I was handed a bucket of water. “Pour it.” they told me. I knew what this meant. “No” I said. And I was overpowered, and it was sudden, and no part of me was left dry. They taught me to extinguish myself, and today I still grab the bucket, and when I bring it to my hot, fiery heart, my eyes still widen.
353 · Jun 2015
Galaxy Tragedy
L Jun 2015
In some universe
-probably one with living organisms and planets inside a creative mind-
I am an attractive tragedy.
I'll show them.

The planets in my head may be full of deserts,
and maybe no living being's skin knows eternal life,
and that may be beautiful to you.

My galaxies might be scarred and my stars cracked.
The gravitational pull of every existing mass weak,
and that may be beautiful to you.

I'm thankful my turmoil is beauty,
but I am not a tragedy.
I was created in the image of angels,
my skin built of stardust.
I am powerful.

I am not a tragedy.
352 · Apr 2017
S U N S E T 2
L Apr 2017
A sharp pain shoots through your wrists.
Your heart beats, it beats you into the ground.

A sunset bleeds through your eyes.

Fluorescent.

The hand closes around your mouth.
Singing, but muffled.
Roses without scent.
Your favorite color, but only half of it.
Living. Half dead.

You met a predator today.
His questions like mud.
'What month were you born in'.
'What happened to your wrists'.
'What a good haircut, you shouldn't hide it'.
'How old are you'.
Hypnotist, musician, cures it all in one session.
"Take my card' he says.
You hate the way he holds it
when he offers it to you.

Terror, but muffled.
Dead bodies without scent.
Something pulls you underwater.
You're unsure of it's intent.

A sharp pain shoots through your wrists.
Your heart beats, it beats you into the ground.
A shade of gold glistens in your eye;
and are you still young, are you still young.
Drunk with fear.

The sun kisses you as you try not to cry.

The horizon floods into view.
An ocean, downtown, the neon lights a sign of life.

A sunset bleeds through your eyes,
and a voice in your ear:
"fluorescent".
His words caress you. The tale of an unfortunate young man.
She cries at his funeral.
You're not afraid of death.

His green leather jacket.
Fluorescent.

Your wrists sting you in weakness.
And are you still young, are you still young.

Like singing, but no voice.
Roses without scent.


A sunset bleeds from your eyes.


Fluorescent.
351 · Jul 2019
Heart Eyes For My Lover
L Jul 2019
My eyes are painted red. Hearts over both of them, dripping into my mouth after some frantic, vicious event with you. How I long for this again, my fierce lover, how I long to **** with you again.
-


-


-
349 · Dec 2014
Salivating Blood
L Dec 2014
My mouth floods,
it bleeds through my
fingertips.

It's a liquid
black and thick;
the drops form
in the palm of my hand.

There is no escape.
It's there for all to see now.

I don't want you to see me like this.
I don't want you to taste madness when you
lick my
neck.
I don't want you to
grab my hips
and find that your hands slip
because you can't grasp what is happening to me.

It climbs up my throat, clawing it's way out,
it trickles down my chin,
it pools in my hands,
it hurts you.

What is happening to me?

It shakes me
and bruising it through me
calms it.
Bruising me calms it.

It's tongue
slithers in me and
takes everything with it.
It's seducing me.

I can't stop laughing.
I can't stop moving.
I need to dance. I need to run.
I need to feel.
I need everything.

It spills out of my nose,
tumbles down my
tongue
it sticks to the roof of my mouth
it rips at my understanding of
time.

Help me.

I can't control it anymore.
It's so good.
I can't contain it anymore.
Help me.

It's so good.
Make it stop.
Help me.
I'm not taking that pill.
L Jun 2019

"Oh Charles, Oh dear friend... what shall I do? She is somewhere far and I can't reach her hand. I can't tell her with my mouth the things I need to say. Only though letters- through ink and paper can I say anything at all. And I'm no good with words, Charles! Why, I- I'm only an animal, a dog who will lick you and look at you with those full moon eyes to tell you that it loves you, and, and I can't take it anymore, Charles. I miss her. Oh I shall go mad if this continues!"

"I thought the wait would make you king, Laurence? What's changed?"

"..."

"Why don't you tell her?"
"Tell her. Tell her what?"
"Tell her the way you feel."
"My dear Charles. It... it isn't yet time. I've barely spoken a word to her. She’d think me truly mad then!— if I were to tell her about my childish yearning.
She's been ill, you know. Away, being taken care of by those blessed enough to know her. And me, I'm nothing to her yet; I am ******, too young and dry still, without the waters of her baptism. Oh if only she were near..."

"You'd fumble about and tip the tub with all its water, you would!"
"Oh hush..! At least then she'd see me. In all my fumbling and stuttering, Charles. She would see me."

"That she would, dear friend. That she would."
344 · Jun 2019
Our Dionysian Ritual
L Jun 2019
God knows no love like the kind you give me
When you are ravenous in your giving--
When you are hunger within hunger;
needing me to receive you as you give yourself to me.

We are Dionysus feeding himself.

And as you slide a grape into my mouth,
I feel your teeth pried open
as I slide one into yours.
342 · Jul 2016
ow
L Jul 2016
ow
There's a knot in your throat, but it's not so bad.
You used to tremble into the night, sleep,
The sunlight tore you out of your dreams.
You'd wake, and say:
"Is it over yet? Did I wake up?"

"Is it still there?
It's still there."

You used to think
maybe the fear turned you into a piece of art;
maybe laughing for 2 hours made you art.
It didn't make you art.
There aren't any museums around here.

Day-long anxiety attacks,
months, years,
you still don't feel where you are
and talking about it hurts too much.
Let's
stop
talking about it
for now.
341 · Nov 2014
Play Nurse
L Nov 2014
I want to hurt you and

nurse you back

to me.
335 · Dec 2015
Dog tooth, Demon horns
L Dec 2015
You ran like wolves.
You were not born a human.
You hid under tables 'till you
grew too big
to play pretend.

"You don't fit there anymore!"
your aunt smiled.

The games you played
made them uncomfortable.
Nobody understood.
Nobody played with you.

You are
not a child anymore
and sometimes

the boy
plays with you.

You can feel your claws.
You can feel your snout.
You bark.
You howl.
You smile.

It's too real now
to be
just
"pretend".

You hide under the table
and you still fit.
332 · Aug 2015
Adventures in Space
L Aug 2015
One day
I mounted a ship.

Days would caress the outside of the vessel,
but never my body.
I could not feel
the passing of time.

It was quiet.
There was a small window.
Blackness,
a void decorated by stars.

...

Months tore away at me.

The ship doesn't land.

I still don't know
where I am going.

The silence crushes me.
I don't know if I have
a soul anymore.
I am unsure of certainty.
I doubt the existence of my body.

My hands are not mine.
The walls are not real.

Loneliness is deafening,
the muffled sound of my sobbing
in the
distance.
I am not here.
There is no "here".
My heart quivers under the pressure
of my empty thoughts.
I am
overwhelmed
and feel nothing.

I am alone.
Nowhere to land.
The ship keeps flying.

I don't know where I am going,

but maybe

maybe
I am


getting there.
dissociation
332 · Jul 2019
Secret Dreams
L Jul 2019
You held my hand. Touched it, caressed it.
Mindlessly, I let myself be felt by you.
Secretly, somewhere in my heart I was dancing.
I woke again, like I had before.
From closeness of you. From a dream.
From tenderness.
the second, actually.
327 · Oct 2014
Quiver Breath
L Oct 2014
I'm so sorry,
but my self control
is breaking
under the weight of your body.

Strands of black brush my neck
and I hear my pulse threatening to **** me.

My hands travel your waist,
your lower back,
you're killing me.

The light grows dim
and my surroundings dark.
Your scent is intoxicating.

My breath
coils
around my voice
and my lips part,
my tongue slithers,
I taste your neck.

I'm drowning in ecstasy now,
digging deep,

I don't trust my hands anymore.
I don't trust my thoughts anymore.
I can't trust myself anymore.

I'm crawling inside of you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I can't stop.
My hands grip your throat.
My breath cuts the space between us.
My pulse quickens.
I want to hurt you.
Baby, I'm throbbing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I can't stop.
I can't stop.

You are
poison

and I'm swallowing you.
325 · Jan 2015
2015
L Jan 2015
I didn't wish for anything this year
or throw away any of the bad;
I want life to throw itself at me
with all it's got
and I'll pray
it doesn't hit me in the face.

And if it does,
I hope it leaves

a gnarly scar.
323 · Jun 2019
The Howlin' Days
L Jun 2019
Angel, you’ve got me crawlin’, beggin’.
Throw me your crumbs, I’m a dog at your feet.
And I’ll howl when you leave, that sweet song o’ lone.

And she doesn’t know it.
She doesn’t know it.

But when you talk, I listen for the lick o’ your lips, the pause when you swallow.
And it’s so good, baby; the wait to know you, the wait to show you, the marks I’d love to leave you.
I’ll sit n’ wait. Sit n’ wait.
Sit, lie down, roll over.
When you walked away, you pulled my chain too.
When you walk away, you pull my heart with you.

Woof, baby. I’m nothin’ but the dog at your doorstep.
Drenched and hungry. Say somethin’ for me.
N’ my ears’ll perk up, and you’ll see my tail wag.
This dog’s got tooth, but honey, his heart’s trained for you.

You’ve got me crawlin’.
And when you leave, I’ll howl to you, that sweet song o’ lone.
Because she doesn’t know it, but she’s got me with hearts in my eyes,
and tongue lolling out my mouth.
All I am’s just dog, beggin’,

and I’d never known that trick before you.



-
323 · Aug 2016
Azul Dorée
L Aug 2016
The room is dimly lit, shades of blue caress the sheets. It's a late summer night, the full moon blows kisses into your room through the glass window.
The AC hums quietly- white noise swimming into you. The perfect lullaby.
You groan from under the bed sheets, annoyed. 

You can't sleep.

Rising like a groaning zombie would from his grave, sitting upright, you stare ahead, not really seeing. Staying up so late the night before might not have been a very good idea after all. Not only did the movie you and your friend decided to watch end up being unbearably boring, the conversation responsible for keeping you both up 'till four doesn't seem to exist in your memories. Ugh, what a waste.

You blink a few times; a quick glance at the digital clock next to your bed indicates it's... late. No surprise there. The numbers glow electric blue.

4:08

You don't remember the last time you were awake in your bed like this, at such an unholy hour; you have a vague memory of feeling particularly restless one night and considering getting a midnight snack. God knows what you decided to eat, whatever it was is too far back in your memories now, even if you remember clearly what happened moments before.
Such is life- the little things often forgotten, even if they are the key to happiness.
Now's not the time to begin pondering such things, though.
It's admittedly hard to anyways, you're quite distracted.

You didn't notice it then- that sleepless night- but the moonlight slipping in from outside your window is illuminating the room- just enough- to see the bed clearly, and what's happening on it.
The numbers' blue light is painting waves into the creases of the sheets.
Empty, white ocean in the night, velvety smooth stroking your legs through the cloth.
You move your them for a moment, slowly, finding yourself amused by the effects of the lighting. A lazy, sleepy smile decorates your face
along with the faintest chuckle.

"Thomas..."

You don't know it, but you're nearly half asleep.
The thoughts cup your cheek, turning into dreams the more they whisper. You lean into their touch, laying back down, your hair decorating the pillow.
Brush strokes on a white canvas.

To your right, six feet away from the bed, there is a window. You like using a thin bed sheet as a curtain sometimes- it's thin enough to let the perfect amount of sunlight through in the mornings. Ever since the day you discovered waking up to the warmth of the sun was a lot like waking next to a lover, you can't help but find it romantic. Even if it is cheesy; it's become a habit now, and you're only a little embarrassed about your fiery crush.
But really, who could blame you? It's nothing short of amazing-
sun ray kisses warming your back, distilled light breathing up your arms, sun-lit lips just barely grazing your skin... audible sighs tickling your neck, warm hands caressing your shoulders in silent pleas for attention. Mm, that's a different lover now, isn't it?

"Wake up, Guillaume. I miss you, please kiss me..."

Ah, you remember now.
Milk and honey. That's what you had that night. It was hot, liquid-thin on your tongue but thick in it's taste.
(It's odd, now that you think about it- if there's anything you'll drink before going to sleep, it's wine. What happened? What made you crave warmth and sugar- like a child- of all things? You can't remember.)
You started taking small sips of it, eventually becoming impatient, feeling that if you took too long, you would become restless again.
You downed the last of it- an even, smooth flow burning your throat (you sigh at the memory of the feeling, it was very satisfying at the time), the milk becoming sweeter and sweeter as your nose peeked further into the mug.

Sleepy dragon's breath, hot and sweet on your nose.

You added too much honey, you recall. It piled at the bottom and you sipped the last of it, feeling- just barely- its weight on your upper lip.
Rose kiss on cupid's bow.
"Please, open..." it would beg, if it could.
You did, but only a little of it was allowed to reach your tongue.
Too sweet.

"Nnh.."

How silly you would look to him now; whining like a petulant child at the thought of your warm milk having too much honey. "Relax, it's only a memory." he would say, petting your hair and smiling down at half-dreaming you, your head on his lap.

Your eyes are closed now.
You think about the too-sweet honey, the sunlight and the ocean all at once. You feel them; a flurry of taste, touch, of memories. Silver smile.

Drifting, ocean-blue eyes disappearing behind curtains that fall
like pebbles underwater, falling slowly on beds of sand. Landing without a sound.
You're seconds away from sleep, the image of waking next to your bright, fiery lover making you speak.


"Good morning... Thomas..."


Goodnight, Guillaume.
-





-This is a daftpunk fic. I am as embarrassed as you are.
322 · Dec 2016
Vanishing Act I
L Dec 2016
My eyes are closed. Time creases between my fingertips.
Do not come looking for me.

I don't want to be found.
I don't want to exist,
not now.

When I am finished,
when the stars return to my eyes,
when I call your name, breathless with the effort of disappearing,
then you may come.

You may hold me.
319 · Apr 2019
A Fool If You Do, Baby
L Apr 2019
You’d be a fool to question anything, for all is
(and there’s nothin’ more, nothing more than the sweet indifference with which nature loves us)
But you’d be a bigger fool not to,
for all is
and this is eternally significant.
318 · Jan 2016
The Death of Angels
L Jan 2016
I had wings
before I was born.



Did you see them?



Did you see the glow
surrounding my head?

Did you feel my light?

Was that why you wanted me?
Was my light comforting?

Did you hate yourself?

Did you want to be
pure?


Did you want to take it from me?



Did you want me?











Ow.






What was that for?













What was

that

for?



Ow.

Ow.

Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
OW.
OW.
OW.
­OW!



...





Why was I born?
What was that for?
Was I born
to suffer?
What was that for?












What was that

for?
L Feb 2015
There are
mouths that
drink
me

and I
dissolve;
sleep on their
tongue.

I'm like
a pain killer
that would ****
to feel your pain.

Drink me
so I can taste you
from the
inside.

The mouths of
virgins and
children
do not salivate
enough;

I want to be consumed
by insatiable boys,
ambitious writers,
I want to be eaten by someone
bursting with pride
and greed.
Someone suffering
through laughter.

I want to sleep
in pools of another's
desire--

rest on the tongues
of mad men.

I want no purity,
no lips
spouting truth and sanity
will touch me.

I want the schizophrenic,
the sweating mother at the clinic,
I want the screaming child in the corner,
the man who never grew up,
I want the woman
who speaks to the cats.
I want the boy
who turned out to be a monster.
I want
the murderer
who ate his family
and became a god





to drink me.
L Aug 2017
I’ve written nothing.
I’ve stood at the mouth of me
and listened and listened;

when I look,
I find
the sharpest truths are still
   in my mouth
nestled under my tongue
and I am restless
and I am numb
and don’t ever let them tell you
that emotions can be contained.
   They are like water
that eats through cave walls,
that drowns the richest of kings,
the palest of boys,
the most fearsome of beasts

   and little girls
with Pocahontas hair
          and don’t-hurt-me eyes.

I stand at the mouth of me
and listen
and listen.
I hear my own language- the consonants blurred,
the “I” so holy, holy, holy
yet small, caged, shivering,
  a bull in a cereal box.
Only the vowels have survived.

I hear me, the writhing language of pain,
and I scream
and plead
and beg to be.

I stand at the mouth of me.
I'm afraid to jump.

Nothing.

I’ve written nothing.
314 · May 2016
Melancholy of The King
L May 2016
The King conjures melody through an electric storm.

"Sensual." Whisper the audience;
and they dance, carving paths into themselves,
arriving at the core of their humanity:
a clearing, a small space where the air is untainted.

Loss of the self, bliss.
Bliss via sound.

"Sensual melancholy." Whisper the artists;
observing from a distance:
No matter how close, no matter how delicate their touch,
each time they pick up a brush, they will dip it in your veins-
they will paint with your blood.

They will smile at a tragedy.

"Melancholy." Cries the boy- but silently,
like ghosts who stifle their cries
lest they scare away their only company.

How he wishes he could speak,
empty his lungs and heart of every sound, every cry.
His throat bleeds through the unstable screeching
and they dance.

They always dance.

"Melancholy. I am melancholy
and you will never cradle my broken heart;
you will never know my pain
for I will never speak of it.

Alas,
I am so very alone
and you- you who are so unaware-
you are my only company."


Cries the King.

Tonight he will die again- as he has so many times before-

and this is his threnody;

the screaming of his storm,
the cries they do not hear.
SebastiAn
313 · Jul 2019
Hunting A Scorpio
L Jul 2019
You know death when it touches you. It's a ghost that's been hunting you for years. Some months ago it finally found you and it breathed a sigh of relief. So elusive and mysterious a thing to it you were.
To it's utter dismay, upon finding you it discovered that taking you meant being faced with its first nightmare in a very, very long time.

You will not die.
Like absolute divine royalty, like hellish blood-dripping woman, you refuse Death.

I saw it happen once. You looked down your leg, an immortal Lion, long mane flowing in midnight wind, your silent rage greater than God's own.
And there it was, a ghost with its pride weakened, its body strewn hopelessly at your feet. Its hand on your thigh, pleading.
Death begs to take you now. You've crushed its dignity so.
You only stare it down, the glint of your fang scaring it into submission once more. It loosens its grasp on you, and when its hand falls, so too does its vacant eyes. Death stares at the cracks on the floor.

And you?
You are Lucifer victorious, standing with his foot on the defiled corpse of God.
313 · Jan 2020
My Blood, Your Sword
L Jan 2020
What is peace without the passions of rivalry?
Your touch on my skin without the blood that pools under your nail?

How measly your love would be
without the honeys of sin.
313 · Nov 2014
Spoke the Seraph
L Nov 2014
CELEBRATE YOUR SINS
FOR EACH OF THEM
IS AN INSTANCE
OF FREEDOM
-
311 · Dec 2014
Play Nurse (pt 2)
L Dec 2014
The pain
in my neck is
unbearable.

You hid my medicine,
my comfort.
I can't
find anything.

All so you could
play-bite my skin
and hear me yelp

each time you
pushed your tongue
on my
bruises.
306 · Jan 2016
Water Die
L Jan 2016
1 to 20.

Roll twice.

10.
6.

6..
7 8 9 10.
4.

4 actions that promote self-improvement.

Roll twice.
Repeat.
A game.
305 · Dec 2014
Son of Man
L Dec 2014
You shed your wings
and fell not from grace;
you ate through the womb
to be
born.
Your mother died before seeing your
little hands.
The Father shut his eyes in
disgust
when you spoke your first words.

Your eyes are blackened,
your knuckles bleed.
The wounds decorate your
skin
and you
laugh.
You walk with your
powdered nose and your
wide eyes.
You're ready to **** 'em all.

Ripped limbs and careful spelling;
meticulous and violent.

No fruit in the world
could reverse the process.
No holy liquid could
wash away your
curse,
your blessing.

You wouldn't have it any other way.
304 · Apr 2019
Honey, babe!
L Apr 2019
Honey's what you are! Golden eyed creature, sweet speaking babe-- honey, and honey, lightning strikes in your veins.
But you're nature, baby!-- a sweet dollop of pain and love!
So bless me with all you are, and I'll be holy for it, for havin' a taste of that acid n' sweet.

Divine thing that never spoils, sweet babe.
Honey's what you are.


-For a stranger, for a woman.
-

-

For a woman who has severe RSD and seemed to have been familiar with other kinds of pain, I wrote this lil' thing.
Everyone deserves a love letter.
304 · Jun 2019
Rebellion For The Tender
L Jun 2019
Your peace must be achieved not through violence but with it, Alongside it. Wield your violence without fear of its power. Love must know pain. Rebellion must know blood. Peace must know violence. You have nothing to fear when kindness sings behind your battle cry.
297 · May 2019
Claddagh
L May 2019
When all becomes heavy, and you’ve made yourself so small that your pleas are like the voice of a mouse, remember: The sword must go through the heart, and you are to relish in this sweet ache, forever and ever, and that is a kind of survival. And when all is still heavy, and your pain is not the kind that will set you free, do not shun the hand of your loved one. For there is a kind of heart that can only be held with two hands. Both of them cannot be your own.
297 · Mar 2016
Nightvision
L Mar 2016
You will be somewhere out there,
drink in hand, slightly frowning at the sound of the third string-
it's out of tune. What a terrible guitar player.
A mediocre rock band plays.
The singer isn't good.
You will sigh and wordlessly wonder if you will ever meet
a good singer,
or anyone who likes good music.
Maybe someone who enjoys the music you do.
"That's wishful thinking at best, isn't it?", you'll mutter to yourself
and take another sip
of a particularly "girly" drink. You don't care. It tastes sweet.
The lights will decorate your back; you're not facing the dance floor.
You'll glance to the side, there being nothing there to look at,
and you will decide you'll stop giving this club a chance- the music is never good enough.
It will have been the second, maybe third time you go there.

You will finish your drink
and go back home.
You will lay in bed, the sheets will be warm, the night cold.

Having gotten tired from the walk home,
you fall asleep quickly.

The universe ties us together that night
and in a club you've never been to before,
lacking mediocre rock bands,
a dj taking their place,
(a particularly good dj playing that night, he's mixing 90's french house songs)
You sit and order your sweet drink.

Ten minutes go by.


I walk in.
296 · Dec 2015
Snow Angels
L Dec 2015
You're not used to the cold.
Tonight was cold.

Downstairs.
Outside.

Make a snow angel.
Caress the earth.
Fly.
Get up.

Look at the shape.


There is no shape.

There is no snow.

It never snows here.

You have no friends.

Nobody understands your brain is broken.

There is no cure.

There are no pills.

You can't be treated.

You have no halo.

You have no wings.

You are stranded on an island.

The mall's too small.

Your mother doesn't understand.

Your therapists don't understand.

You're not sick enough.

You're not well enough.

You're not sad enough.

You're not happy enough.

You don't beg enough.

You're not silent enough.

You're not bad enough.

You're too nice.

There is no cure.

There is no cure.

There is no cure.

There is no

snow.
Happy ******* holidays
294 · Jan 2015
M o n g r e l
L Jan 2015
I will claw my way
up your throat
slowly.
Your jaw  c r a c k i n g  open,

s p l i t    t i n g.

your tears decorating my fingers,
your screams encouraging me,
inviting me.

You touch your throat in disbelief;

I am born.

I stand before you.
Your essence dripping from your
tongue.
I hold your jaw.

Silly child.

You are not my prison.
You cannot digest me.

**You cannot contain me.
292 · Jun 2015
Red Pet
L Jun 2015
You went all the way,
stretched me into a
willing slave.

You fit so comfortably,
you fit so
right.

My wounds are fresh,
your hands sliding up my bones.
You're filling me,
fitting into the spaces between my
veins.

Your fingers press against my heart,
mine curl under the pressure.
Your eyes whisper commands,
mine roll back in my head.

You go all the way in,
stretching me into a
hungry animal.

You fit so comfortably,
You fit so
right.

My wounds are fresh,
you bite your lip.
I'm falling slowly now,
my head heavy, my vision blurred.

You're
pounding into me
Slipping between my insides.
I'm still
warm but
I'm losing

I'm losing
myself
to you.

It's okay,
just don't stop.
Take me.

Don't stop.



Don't





stop.
288 · Sep 2019
Thinks and Thoughts
L Sep 2019
She told me, “I think you think this”
and I said, “I don’t.”
and then I said, “I know why I thought that.”
and I thought, “I only said I thought that because I knew she thought I did.”
I thought, “I did my best to never let myself think that.”
I thought, “I’m not interested in thinking about this anymore. I’m tired. I’m just so scared of this. Always so scared.”
I thought, “I’ve done what I understood was expected of me in order to be loved. It used to be the only way I could communicate with others.”
I thought, “I want nothing more than the thrill of experiencing myself.
I thought, “I want nothing more than to be as genuine as I can be. I wish I could fix it now. I wish I could give myself to people. I wish I could be bare today.
“But I think,” I thought, “I think that will have to wait.”
285 · Jul 2019
Weeping Season
L Jul 2019
Tenderness is your weeping, Love is in the wetness of your cheek, I have heard you begging yourself for the forgoing of your defenses. If love is the path you reach for, your legs only need walk it. My dear, abandon hardness. Become the light love is drawn to.
-
-
the mood for cancer season this year....
285 · Aug 2014
He/Him
L Aug 2014
The skin that cradles me;
home to my soul and
cage to my
joy
once writhed under the
pain of becoming

a woman.

"But you look so lovely in that mask." I hear.

No.

I’ve chopped off the silk
that once caressed my
cheeks
my neck
my

*******.

My eyes unveiled-
eyes that
speak volumes of truth.
A truth that no longer trembles
under a wavering tower
of poorly woven
lies.



I grew believing I had no choice.

I stand knowing I do.


Mother, father,


I am a man.
278 · Oct 2015
Shakespeare; Reversed
L Oct 2015
My heart shook under the quivering words made slaves to your tongue.
You laugh and never explain why.
You laugh like you know secrets that cut the speeches of heroes short.
You sat and read Shakespeare.
You enjoy poetry the way villains enjoy music.
There is terror in the rhythm of your words,
the silent kind, the one you don't notice
until it's too late.

I stop to ask,
"You don't find it weird? I'm... doing this
while you're reading Shakespeare..."

"I find it romantic, really." you said, in a voice that begs to be silenced,
but crushes the one who
dares try.
276 · Jul 2019
Eve, And Only Then, Adam
L Jul 2019
God lied. Women were born from the earth.
Crawled from the sea. Risen from your lake in the wood.
They were made from the dead fires of earth; formed from the ash,
Running, Screaming towards God their name.

It was man who came second.

It was man who was God’s afterthought,
pulled from the side of the almighty Woman.
-
If you don't know by now, all my writing on women includes trans women.
271 · Dec 2014
Teenage Soldier
L Dec 2014
I am not ready
for death but
I am prepared
for violence.
270 · Sep 2019
Revolt In Early September
L Sep 2019
Summer was so good to me. But now September’s had its hands on my throat, and I’ve closed my eyes and let my arms go limp. I don’t know how I forgot to fight. The way out is to rebel. Receive your pain, let it be known in the palace of your heart, love it, become it, and return it in deafening waves.
Bouts of depression that convince you that lying motionless in the hands of death is all you can do
270 · Jun 2019
Lake of Fire
L Jun 2019
When you rose from the waters,
you were only dark hair, curls as stubborn as you, and as the strands slid away from your cheek, I saw you face me with the scowl and rage slashed into you by God himself,
and I knew nothing,
I knew nothing, but to kneel before you.
265 · Nov 2015
Rapture
L Nov 2015
You think you have memories?

The soggy cigarettes, the abandoned stages, the spilled coffee.
The former actress who's heart is in pieces,
the bleeding ****** and sick children,
the narcissist who can't look at his own reflection anymore,
You think anything here exists?

This place don't exist, chum.
We're too far down.
The sunlight doesn't reach us.
The dark here is bigger than God.

You're gonna die here,
either drowned or killed by the clowns in this flooded circus.
And that's if you don't end up a clown yourself.

This place isn't on earth anymore.

The Devil won't take us.

God won't save us.



And you?




You're on your own.
265 · Apr 2017
S U N S E T
L Apr 2017
You turn on the television,
through the screen a woman cries "I love him".
The braces straighten your weak wrists.
There's only cereal in the kitchen.
The painting is over two decades old.

A sunset bleeds through your eyes, a voice quiets your thoughts.

There's something pulling you in deeper;
don't let it.
261 · Dec 2014
Episode One
L Dec 2014
The sun is in my mouth.
My tears are flooding your voice.
I'm sorry,
but it's so beautiful.
The moon is swinging in my eyes.
I'm swaying to somebody's screams.
I'm trembling.
I'm trembling.
I need to swallow it.
If I don't swallow, it kills me.
I need to feed it.
I need to feel it.
I can't control myself anymore.
260 · Apr 2015
Wrong Ocean
L Apr 2015
It all happened so fast. You were drowning in your epiphany, your discoveries, and now, you can't even feel the water that surrounds.

"This is too difficult." you think, as you try to feel again. The ocean you drown in now is not the one you want to die in. Wrong ocean.

You want to drown in information, feel the knowledge flooding your lungs, the insight drip down your legs, but it doesn't happen.

Instead, you stand in a desert, the reality of this never sinking in. You drown in an imaginary ocean.

Your heart beats fast as you hope the pills work. Something needs to pull you out of these fake waters, because you can't swim anymore.

It's almost hopeless; all you have is yourself and the distant voices that tell you they care. Thank god you always had trouble giving up.

Or not. You never believed in a god. You do, however, believe in yourself. "This water's no match for me." you think, crying. You're scared.

"It's fine." you say, holding up your fishbowl. "Consume improbability..." you whisper, remembering your own words. You stare at the glass.

"Become impossible" you had once said. If walking on dry land again was impossible, then that's exactly what you'd do. You eat the fishbowl.

You cry as you do so, the tears fall, reminding you there is no ocean. "You are not drowning, you are in dry land." You say.

You wonder what's going to happen next. You sit and wait, smiling. "It's okay. It's okay." you say to yourself. You cry some more.

It really is okay. It's scary, but it's okay. You're going to be fine.
258 · Apr 2019
Grand End
L Apr 2019
April 8 2019

Should the world come to an end
we should stand unblinking
at whatever comes.
We should stand serene, peaceful;
full of that sweet indifference
with which nature blesses us every day.

It's with a a heart both heavy with longing
and light with love, that I say:

I sincerely hope when the day comes,
I'll have a sweet babe
to hold my hand.
-

from my journal
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