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Am I OK?
Now I do not have to think,
But there was a time,
Not long ago,
When that question,
Plagued my mind,
Devoured every moment,
With uncertainty leaning,
Negatively,
For so long,
I was not OK,
I was broken but,
Clinging on to the hope,
Of a lie I told myself,
That everything was fine,
It took the worst,
To show me I needed,
To change,
Something,
Not me,
But how I saw myself,
It took time,
Friends and words,
Over years,
Until now,
I no longer have to think,
Before answering:
"Yes, I'm fine..."

"...and you?"
Sick of politics?
Remember when you're sick
You could have voted.

Tired of policies?
Remember when you collapse
You could have voted.

Bored of arguments?
Remember when we're divided
You could have voted.
Seriously, if you're in the UK - sign up to vote, it really doesn't take as many votes as you think to swing elections. We're lucky enough to live in a democracy - make the most of it!
Linking,
Weaving,
Two tapestries together.

Embellishing,
Developing,
Personal legends.

Mixing,
Fine-tuning,
Intertwined patterns.

Constructing,
Expanding,
A collage of words,
Ideas,
Concepts,
Lives,
Until they are fully formed.
A fly drops to my hand as I write
I notice but don't register enough to
obstruct the flow of my words.
It sits until I move it, waiting, lazy,
It just barely flies, tired from cold,
And I return to the page.
Tired now,
Though it's not yet evening,
I might have to sleep,
Even if it means leaving.

I
Can't
Carry
On
Resisting

I
Can
Feel
It
Persisting

G­oodbye friends
I hope you're still here when I return
Death and endings
and broken friendships
fill those paperback walls.
Fear mixed with love
and running and crying,
ink's running as fast as tears fall.

Hope and twists
and unexpected diversions
are twisting my mind back and forth.
Other lives and dreams
and innocent bystanders
are pointless as I matter more.

Why was I chosen?
Why my voice and mind?
Why must my life be broken as I watch the world unwind?
Whose hands on the strings?
Whose story do I tell?
All I know, I must show you, and you must listen well.
Two half-slices of toast
Jagged edges cannot match
Crumbling at but a touch
Leaving tiny brown specks on a little plate
How pointlessly I examine the detail
Of two half-eaten slices
For no reason, no purpose
But that perhaps there was...
Something more important to be seen.
Have I fallen again from deeper to deepest?
That moment reshaping my awoken heart,
Cannot stop searching, and found to be found
Confusing, unsettling, and pulling apart
in self-inflicted scraps that never solved
Anything.
The flute calls out, leaping across bar-lines,
A girl, her eyes closed and hair loose,
Swaying in time, the instrument resting below her gentle lips,
Using her precious breath to grace the air,
With a pure beauty, as if calling to the rivers,
As if those notes were crafted for these hills,
And separated long ago,
But their connection only strengthened,
And now her breaths stir the grass,
And brush against the leaves.
There's a bite in the air,
And a taste of inspiration,
Clouds loom,
In dark song,
And the gentle pulse,
Of tired cars,
And streetlight spotlights,
To be my stage.

Stop,
Listen,
Time to shine.
The words came to me
Far too fast
Like I'd seen them before
In some book I'd grown up with
As if I wasn't writing
I was copying it down
And I wasn't composing
I was practicing a song
I already knew so well
I could rewrite it from
The echoes in my head
Did I do enough?
Am I ready?
Or will I just crumble,
Crack,
And fall,
Collapse,
Lose it,
And walk out,
Knowing it's over,
My goal,
Too far away.
Mind empty,
Days behind,
And still no spark,
No flame.

Blank paper,
Ripped out,
And thrown as I,
Start to go insane.

And the words,
Jumble in my head they
all stretch and
break
and fall to place
round way wrong.

An image flashes,
For just an instant,
But I cannot capture it,
It's gone.
The heat presses down
Clammy hands over my mouth
The air burns my brain
Is it too late?
Did time force my hand too far?
As much as I push back,
I can't get off this path,
And my fate remains.
The sky turned a grey shade of yellow
And the trees bent to the breath of the gods
The air screamed, as bark ached
And splintered and fell.

Rain turned to bullets, ricocheting from windows to ground
Secure became vulnerable
Heat became anger
Our sanctuary turned against us
We cowered and marvelled
At the power intent on our destruction
And took pictures of impending demise.
A blank page
To fill with emptiness
To sing silence and streams
Of consciousness unending.

To take reality aside
And replace with infinity
In all its hellish
Endlessness

The words don't flow
They shouldn't
How can they with no goal?
Not even a shadow to aim for

But they drip onto
The blank page
And the white paper
Fades away.
It was dark,
I couldn't see,
The light wasn't reaching me.
I was scared,
And I couldn't breathe,
I didn't have what I need.

But as I looked in the cupboards, for that box of who knows what,
A glimmer of hope hit me, I remembered, and I stopped.

I walked out, up to my room,
I lay in my bed, not sure what to do.
I thought about the moment, a month or so ago,
When you enjoyed talking to me, smiled and gave me hope.

All that was last summer,
In the depths of my despair,
And one day this summer,
I remembered being there,
Looking through the cupboards,
For the worst, finally prepared,
And I remembered not doing the right thing,
Because I was always too scared,
To say these words to you,
And strip my torn soul bare.

Thank you,
For giving me your time,
For accepting me for who I am,
And giving me one more shot.

Thank you,
For risking all you have,
On giving me a chance,
To give you something back.
You know who you are
Letters, numbers, a list on a page
Absolutes that will not change,
These lines and dots are my future days,
Defined by database.

My stress, my fear, my falling apart,
My dedication to love and art,
My panicked tears, my shaky start,
My transcripted heart.

How could lives be no more than words?
How could a soul's journey be of no worth?
Can truth so complex have simple birth?
Build a binary world.
Trying to find some meaning,
In a language I don't know.
Shuffling direct truth to tease out emotion,
From stale words to blood-filled bursts,
Of overflowing hearts,
And tear-soaked dreams,
Of glistening eyes.
Rock against rock,
Tension slips,
Pressure then shock,
First tremor grips,
Fear in the hearts,
Of parents for their children,
It's just the start,
Of the environmental villain's,
Attack. Through the Earth,
Everything shakes,
"Run for all your worth!"
"Quick, before the roof breaks!"
Hearts pounding,
The world begins to fall,
Terror is surrounding,
Prayers for Nepal,
And the zenith, Everest,
Feels the ground move beneath its feet,
The chaos is effortless,
Gravity's quest is complete,
Bringing down the snow,
That clings to the mountainside,
And they all know,
There's nowhere left to hide,
The fateful quake
Measured seven-point-nine,
So much at stake,
We see the death toll rise,
Too strong for too long,
It all goes wrong,
Tears from the young,
And loved ones gone,
The wrath of the world,
That keeps us alive,
Suddenly hurled,
Over a thousand in the fire.

The pain it caused is too great,
To just stand by and wait.
So for once can we work together?
Just try and help each other?

For once let's put our differences aside,
And help.
In memory of all those who have died due to the earthquake in Nepal.
Looking on as they take their places
Familiar faces now behind a door
I'm cut-off from their new world
A story told in my absence
I know they'd still welcome me
But I welcome the arms of sleep
Instead.
To most,
It meant little,
Enough to sound elegant.

But only four,
Understood,
Truly how hard it was,
To rest my fingers on those keys,
Calm my frantic heart,
And dive into song.

The taste of truth,
On my tongue,
And the silver silk of sorrow,
That was tied around my wrists,
Fell to the concert hall floor.
How can we trust?
When there are so many ways to be betrayed,
And so many reasons to fear,
Why do we believe anyone?
Is it some irrational instinct,
To keep us together,
Despite our fickle minds?
Or a fading dream,
Of how we used to see,
And how we used to feel?
Can we accept the truth,
In words on a screen,
When the face behind them is hidden?
Should we be afraid,
Of what we can't prove,
And what will never be known?
Is blind faith lost,
To this race of skeptics?
Does it have a place any more?

Is there an answer to these questions?
Yes.

But we all answer differently.
Try
Try
Shouting,
Chanting,
And the clashing shoulders,
Feet driving,
Heads smashing,
Passion high,
Determined rage,
Focused on one thing,
Keep pushing,
One more yard,
One foot,
An inch,
And down,
-
Release.
Trying to breathe,
But finding no air,
So learning to live without it.
Trying to see,
But eyes stinging,
So learning to move without light.
Trying to hear,
But sound muffled,
So learning to cope with silence.
Trying to touch,
But all out of reach,
So learning to keep to myself.
Trying to smile,
But I can't raise my cheeks,
So learning to avoid happiness.

Then I try something new,
And suddenly,
I can breathe the damp air of autumn,
I can see your hair, your eyes, your smile,
I can hear your voice, singing a perfect melody,
I can feel your hand in mine, your head on my shoulder,
And you teach me how to smile again.
Out of my comfort zone,
Relearning everything,
That's how I want my life to be from now on.

*Keep teaching me.
A small pocket watch, keeping time,
Held in his hand, for him to rewind.
Twice a day it said, with care,
The polished metal reflects his stare.
So twice a day, without fail,
He winds it up to hear its wail.
But the wail, it comes from deep within,
As those ever-turning cogs pull his heartstrings.
And that constant ticking, by his ear,
Never fails to produce a tear.
As the sound, it echoes through his mind,
Telling him, "Now! Now is the time."
He tries to lose it, but the chain holds fast,
Pulling him tighter, towards his past.
And still he winds it, as he was told,
With trembling fingers, through the biting cold.
The dark comes closer, with each screaming tick,
And he loses focus, begins to feel sick.
He forgets one winding, takes a moment to breathe,
And the watch is grabbed from him, thrown onto the street.
To his horror, the watch falls apart,
And the chains let go of his heavy heart.
He turns, to face the cause of his release,
But they are gone, pulled by another timepiece
For a year he searches, to find his saviour,
And for a year he fails, to repay the favour.
But at last he remembers, and returns to the spot,
Where he knew there once was a great grandfather clock.
And there he sees her, chained to her despair,
As the pendulum swings back and forth, slicing her through the air.
And in a moment of madness, he attempts to stop time,
Angry at injustice, raging inside.
The pendulum falls, and she is released from its hold,
And his tiny little watch, seems a little less bold.
Then, she runs up to him, plants a kiss on his cheek,
And tells him that she loves him, as his knees grow weak.
And hand in hand they walk away, over scattered cogs and springs,
And both, now free of time's cruel chains, spread their weary wings.
Take my heart,
****** your fingers through my chest -
let them reach. Rip, pull,
tear aside my weary flesh.
Scratch my decaying ribs,
rotten and weak.
Just a sharp, swift tug,
and they snap. Blood leaks,
as you pierce the arteries,
that keep my lungs captive -
chaining them within me,
so that they cannot rest, active
always, slaves to reflex.
Let them be free, at last
unbound, let them relax,
deflate, give up the air of past
days that took too long.
Toss them aside,
Useless and frail, taking
up space in your unrelenting hands,
they keep digging, though aching
and tired of brutality. Hatred
that once coursed through my veins,
now spilled and taken,
for your deathly gains.
Finally, unobstructed, a clear path
to my heart now drained
of life-giving blood is revealed.
Wrap your pale, blood-stained
fingers around it and pluck
the tendons 'till they break.
Grip more tightly, grab, clutch,
****** it from me, still and motionless.
Hold it up to the light, let me see
with my dead, hollow eyes
as you crush it in front of me.

Take my heart.

Crush my heart.

Take my brain.

Twist my mind.
Happy Halloween
No formula but instinct,
No instinct 'till inspired
The words which were a waste
I'd dedicate them to the fire
I asked for no commission,
My mission self-acquired,
To document my ambling,
Through this life 'till I retire,
And in typing up my days,
I found new ways were required,
To describe the very details,
Of the details I desired,
To paint a perfect picture,
Needs time to restyle,
But my words are rough,
And that's enough to sketch a meaning higher,
Than any pure or filtered words,
I leave them unrefined,
Waste is left behind, indeed,
But the product's graced with spines,
I question all, leave none untouched,
When I dive into your minds,
I see past the deception,
I speak out and shout your lies,
Sure, I write of all things beautiful,
Of love, of all things nice,
But make no mistake, this girl will make,
Her words stand for light.
I talk again of broken souls,
Of broken people, broken promises that
Keep breaking our hearts over and
Again like a broken record.
And in that loop the words change,
Transform themselves into ugly
Monsters that tell us we're freaks
And remind us of when we broke down
And break down our fears into
Lists, mantras, chants in our heads
Until our monsters live inside of us.
And though they started as fragile
Echoes in our ears they start to take
Control of our broken bodies
And remind us how horrifically
Imperfect we are when really
Our brokenness makes us break
New ground to fix the problems
We didn't know we had and
Break down the barriers to honesty
And fairness and let us feel
We are not broken
But merely incomplete
And that the monsters are not
The piece we're missing.
Foundations fell centuries ago
We've been building sins
On brittle understones
We dug up the tombs of the best psychos
And they let us in to hell below

We carved our lives into hungry deaths
And then sold our souls
For sixteen breaths
Then we burnt our bones 'til there was nothing left
And we'd hide and we'd fight for a fateless step.

Stretch the world: wafer thin
Flatten reason, break us in
We are the children free of skin
Order falls; chaos wins

What's left of life is not much at all
But if my heart's still beating I will not fall
Our culture is worthless, our laws are too old
But my heart's still beating
My blood is not cold.
I waited, patient,
Expectations growing high,
But it never came.
Beneath the Earth we’re outnumbered by dead
Who’ve run out of voices to go to their heads
And the blood in their veins flow in our hearts instead
To keep our children fed.

A generation has fallen to pain
A broken species can’t keep itself away
But we keep on running though we can’t find our way
To build on yesterday.

But it’s no good blaming undertones
For a foreground that’s broken in half
It’s no use blaming understones
For our failure to make a new start
The dead aren’t just dead
They’re holding us to account
Their skeletal fingers are there in our hands
And they demand to know
Why we sacrificed their understones

Their bones are rotting
But we keep breathing
And ghosts keep pulling us down
Their eyes are gone
But still they see
Us cursing their graves - it was our fault anyway
Following some random impulse,
We bought and shared a piece of bread,
I had no reason to be there, or even close,
I'd already left once and come back,
What kept me from home, I can't say,
But my reward for illogical action,
A brighter night, a simpler night.
The sands scream when they hear my name,
The cliffs bow at my touch,
The ground carves a path for me,
The soil falls away with a single roar,
The living worship me,
The dead are consumed by me,
But still I run,
I do not relish my zenith,
Instead I shy away,
I escape to join the many before,
And hide.
I play along,
My notes fitting almost perfectly,
Half a breath out of time, but ringing true,
I could turn off the recording,
Play it all myself,
And no difference would be heard,
But for my fingers slipping,
And playing unintentional grace notes,
Styled out but there,
And I know they're there,
But perhaps they should stay.
Eyes that never saw light,
Hands that never held another's,
Feet that never ran,
Mouth that never cried,
Lungs that never breathed morning air,
Heart that never beat for another's,
Ears that never heard,
Tongue that never tasted,
Hair never soaked in autumn rain,
Lips that never kissed another's,
Arms that never hugged,
Name that was never called.

All these parts make up her,
But I can't piece them together,
Without first detaching myself,
From an unnamed child.
This is written on behalf of a friend, who's sister died at birth.
No my dear,
Don't blame yourself
Or torture yourself with those
Thoughts of what could have been.

No my dear,
It was no failing of yours
No amount of love or care could
Have protected that child any better.

No my dear,
Don't give up so soon,
You were young and unready
And scared and trapped and shaking.

No my dear,
I can't know your pain,
But I can share it with you,
You shouldn't have to face it alone.

Yes my dear,
You can
I promise you can
And next time will be better.
I am unremarkable
My being here makes little difference
To more than close family
Yet I am told I could
Be something more than that
That I could run alongside and
Pluck reality from its path but
I am unremarkable
That I am unique and different
Offers no importance to my existence
Nor does it foster pride or courage
Rather it reassures my belief
That alone I am too small
To change anything
I am unremarkable
Yes, I am a minority but
That never made me happy
Nor does it make me interesting
As more than an exhibit
Who am I is not who I choose to be
So judge me on my choice to be
Unremarkably human.
Up too late,
Yes, I suppose,
But I'm writing thoughts,
Working out my mind,
Before I close to the dark.

Up too late,
Yes, if you like,
But I'd rather lose an hour,
Sleeping uselessly than,
These words that I write.

Up too late,
Yes, I'm tired,
But I'm enjoying being free,
To talk and say what I want,
Without the pressures of life.

Up too late,
I can't deny it,
But it is worth it.
Between the monotony of vegetable peels and
Ever dirtying water
The glint of an old friend I once held
At arm's length calls to me
The metal that once tempted me now
Whispers for my fingers again
And as my bare toes squirm
In the water that slips to the floor
I find myself unable to resist the thrill
Of thievery
That urges me to steal
My life
Clouds rolling,
Rumbling forwards,
Thickly laden,
Soaked with black rain,
Unstoppable,
Even by the sun,
Growling softly,
Then stronger, building,
Until at last,
Unleashing its blades,
That cut the air,
And spear the weak ground,
Creatures below,
Insignificant,
Against the might,
Of a vengeful sky.
Throat closing as we
Join the
Motorway
Vision blurring
Losing feeling
Oxygen blocked
Panic growing
But lost
Caring
Too much
Going through
My brain
But too
Slow
To understand
Linking hands as the rain fell,
A squeeze, a smile, a tear.

A plane passes overhead,
As the crowd falls to silence.

Candles lit, flicker in the dark,
As those red petals flutter in the breeze.

Together, a loss becomes love,
A warmth for us all.

Together, grief becomes hope,
Flames as one burn bright.

Together, fear becomes strength,
Their deaths ignite the fire.

As one, our hearts moved in the silence,
And, hand in hand, we knew.
In memory of all 49 killed in Orlando
And slowly growing,                                                         ­  And quickly lost,
Behold my mind,                                                            ­    Rebuild my mind,
Crawling with doubts and fear,              Construct with patience and joy,
Panicked, rushed ageing,                                   Considered, careful youth,
To cope,                                                            ­                                      To love,
To forget,                                                          ­                                  To thrive,
To move on,                                                              ­                           To keep,
To extinguish the corruption,                      To maintain a new innocence,
Or disguise it with worse,                                    And protect it with smile,
My head filled with dark,                                         Cross my shaking lips,
Emptiness,                                                 ­                                         Freedom,
Swimming in twisting mess,                            Running wherever I please,
Knots of double-helix,                                           Imagined strands of hair,
Tied to keep myself,                                                  Let down to let myself,
Separate from myself.                                                  Escape from my past.
My voice will never,
Reach the heights I wish it would,
It will never allow me,
To convince without fail,
That my words,
Match my meaning,
For long enough to live.
A void,
Empty of all,
A divide,
Between our souls,
I stand,
Afraid of falling,
I listen,
And hear you calling,
I look,
I see despair below,
A ravine,
Filled with dark sorrow,
I step,
And trip and fall,
Air rushing,
The end of the long haul,
I land,
My body crushed,
Life leaves me,
My song is hushed.

At least, that's what would have happened
If your hand there to grab me hadn't
Pulled me up so much higher,
Where things got so much brighter.
The first notes,
Rang out,
As I plucked her steel strings.

Finally released,
From her soul,
The song of her dawning.

And oh!
How it soothed!
Dripped gently through the air.

And in a moment,
I was free,
All was happy, all was fair.
Cross in the box,
Sign off your future,
Contribute your opinion,
Choose your champion,
Lesser of two, three, four evils,
Who you want?
Or who will stop who you don't want?
Can you trust any of them?
No.
But you still have to decide,
Select the victor,
Watch them fall,
Then the agreements.
And finally,
Someone takes over.
That's it.
Another five years.
Your life in the hands of another.
Free-roaming means data is off,
Eyes are up and headphones drop
Take a breath, taste the air
Take a step, no need to stare -
No shock, no bait,
No status update,
No followers to feed
No limits, no need
To restrict yourself to one-hundred-and-forty
Characters that aren't quite you,
No, for once, feel it all in one go
Not in a ten-second video,
First-hand experience is better
Than cutting down ur lettrs
Time to rediscover the world,
Through the highest definition
Four-dimensional,
Multi-sensational,
Live-stream of consciousness:
Reality.
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