Does all this really mean anything?
When so many others have said this all before
And in better ways with perfect form
And without repeating themselves
Again
And
Again

Will anyone but me look back and think
These cascades of words meant anything more important
Than just a student with too much time
And not enough energy?

Will anyone love my love poems?
Or be inspired by my protests?
Or close their eyes and picture the moments
I found unforgettable?

Will I be remembered for writing a few too many days?
For running out of things to say and
Waffling on anyway?

Or perhaps someone might find some truth in these words
Or a perspective never before expressed
Maybe
Maybe not
But no harm in waffling on
A
Little
Bit
Longer

I pause,
Stare,
With baited breath,
Its gentle flow frozen,
Caught between my teeth,
Holding back,
Cowering,
From nothing.

I stop,
Kneel,
Screamed cries,
Burn in my throat,
Flames lick my tongue,
But do not ignite,
Dwindling,
To nothing.

I fall,
Sleep,
In restless dreams,
Eyelids firmly shut off,
Blocking out the dark,
From filling me,
Completely,
With nothing.

Dreaming,
In sun-kissed haze
of calmer days,
Back when grey skies meant
no more than a brighter time ahead.

Sleeping,
At the first burning sky
of the third sunset of spring,
Waiting for seasons to change
and making them whisper by more quickly.

Thinking,
On the things that never
Mattered to anyone else,
While all else hurry past
hoping for another normal day,
I stay still,
Waiting for summer.

I want to get angry, upset,
I want to shout at the world when no-one will hear me.
I want to scream in my head
and rip down the walls that keep me trapped here.
I want to mess up my makeup
and run through the night and let out tears and cries and breathless pleas.
I want to stand on the rooftops,
I want to curse the stars for always being the same.
I want to break my wrist falling down
and make it worse just to make a statement.
I want to let out my rage,
but I am too scared to be true,
So I'll simmer here and beat myself up instead.

The air is biting me,
With homely smells,
With too much comfort,
Like trying too hard to impress my friends,
The first time they come round to my house.

The night is tiring me,
But I'm fighting back,
For no apparent reason,
Like the rebellious teenage streak,
That I could never bring myself to have.

The chair is pushing me,,
Urging me to leave,
But I remain stubborn,
Like being told our love is over,
But clinging onto hope.

A child's scream,
But no child's lungs,
Produced the grating sound.

Fear is laced,
Upon the air,
And seeps into the ground.

Shots ring out,
And feet pound,
As mothers rush to their sons.

Explosions rip,
Their hearts in two,
Their lives the price for guns.

Internal conflict, they call it,
I call it a siege,
A staring contest decorated with cannonballs.

Two sides,
Uncompromising,
No negotiation, just fruitless patience.

Both reason and bargain,
But neither side is listening,
And in the end it comes down to the walls.

How well did each side,
Hide itself away?
And what will it take to bring them out?

Is this the day I run out of
Good bad luck?
Keeping out of harm,
But driving myself close,
Is not healthy.
I know.
But it's the only way I know,
And all I know,
Is how to live in the blur,
In the no-man's land where life and death meet,
Not quite sure which side I'm on,
But always on the edge,
And always yearning to cross one way or,
The other.

Keep dodging the shots,
With your nimble comebacks,
Keep ducking and weaving,
Around the truth.
Keep staring ahead,
Never looking at the carnage,
You left behind.

Keep avoiding my eyes,
With your simple disguise,
Keep hiding yourself,
In your smile,
Keep falling back,
On that which you know,
Never changing.

Keep forcing my hand,
To deal a new hand,
Keep fixing the deck,
That I own,
Keep dodging the shots,
I keep firing at you,
Because I want you to win this war.

There's something about water that fascinates the mind,
Hypnotic in its passive dancing,
Wheeling in panicked turns to the tune of an inaudible waltz.

The way it ripples with each drop of rain in the cold,
Resonates with me,
As though the water itself is speaking to me,
Desperately wanting to be heard,
It's voice crying in every motion.
Stop!
What is it saying?
Stop! Stop!
I don't know
Please! Stop!
It's too quiet
You're not listening!
All I know is how I feel when I see the way it glistens in the moonlight,
The way it reflects the beauty of a cityscape as dusk falls,
When the day is done water's true beauty is found,
It sparkles below me,
Pinpricks of street lights streak across its surface,
They seem to spread ferociously as my eyes are filled with tears,
Pinpricks becoming blazing stars.

The air whispers to me,
telling me what I need to hear.
Exactly what I need.

Water is pure beauty,
Eternally entrancing my closed-off mind,
Drawing me in,
Because sometimes
Water is more than beauty,
It becomes a perfect friend,
With no capacity to judge,
No way to hate,
Only to fill.
An empty
Heart
Drop
by
Drop
It becomes
Escape



*My legs fold beneath me,
my body goes limp,
I fall.

All I want is to cry out my mind,
When all my tears have dried up,
When I have no pain left to give,
That's when my veins scream for more,
More broken skin,
To match my heart and soul's torment,
Takes more than just water in my eyes -
I want to cry out my mind.

We were inseparable
Until we were too busy
Or too tired to laugh
And we'd talk nonsense
For hours on end
For some release
From logic and coursework
We'd eat junk
Because why the hell not?
And we were inseparable
Because why wouldn't we be?
When we knew each other so well
Well enough to call each other
Trees and weird toads
And we laughed and laughed
And laughed and never grew up
Because why should we?
So we didn't  and we won't ever
Not really
Not when we're together
We'll always be not-quite-adults
With whims and fantasies
And silliness
That meant so much
For meaning nothing

Seeing in the year,
Hair three times as long as the last,
Eyes a little brighter,
Smile a little wider,
A shirt that fits my frame,
Make-up not to hide behind but,
Instead,
To highlight,
To show off,
Who I am,
Who I have always been,
But until now,
Could never be seen,
Now, in a small room,
With a family around me,
And a few friends,
I am me.

So here's to new beginnings,
Acceptance and truth!

Here's to understanding,
Compassion and love!

Here's to the light at the end of the tunnel,
And the journey getting there!

Here's to escaping fear,
Confidence and freedom!

And here's to 2016,
And all it may bring.

Something in my head,
Saying "Go on!"
"Why not tell them?"
Something else says,
"Well, because..."

One of my friends,
Saying "Go on!"
"Why not live a little?"
My voice replying,
"Well, because..."

All of my heart,
Saying "Go on!"
"Why not be yourself for once?"
And all of my fear reminds me,
"Well, because..."

But then my heart says,
"Forget reason, follow me."
So I do.

All my friends need medication
I need injections to stay me
And everyone around me's in love with insanity
The deluded speak the truth
They see the world as it is
Cause really life is dark and bleak and ****

All my friends need medication
I need injections to stay me
And everyone around me's in love with insanity
The deluded speak the truth
They see the world as it is
Cause really life is bleak and tough to quit

I've told you now,
Please try to understand,
I'm not messed up in the head,
Or about to go mad.

I know how to block you out,
If you go on and on,
But I'll **** well correct you,
If you get something wrong.

I know that in school,
I'll face insults and mocking,
But I'll just smile and tell you,
No matter how shocking.

I denied to the ground,
And told to the sky,
That you weren't all wrong,
When you asked if I'm bi.

But the suffix here,
Is not what you expect,
Because I'm bigender,
It's nowt to do with ***.

That simple fact,
Will be run away with and grown,
Into something vastly more,
Than what is certain and known.

But I'm free at least,
To just live my way,
Maybe one day you'll accept,
Both me and May

A finger traces my jaw,
A whisper nudges my ear,
A rustling, a word, a hint,
I know.

A hand on my arm,
A breath trickles down my neck,
Closer he crawls, a touch,
I know.


A kiss on my cheek,
As I close my eyes and imagine,
Myself away, free, but
I know.

He will get what he wants,
Again.

There's a word in my head,
But I can't quite get it out,
It won't make itself known,
As if,
Scared to be seen,
To even have a single eye,
Cast its fleeting gaze,
And even subliminally,
Comprehend.

What reason do I have to be angry?
I have lived in comfort
Never doubted the safety of my future
The hardships of this world
Have breezed past me, barely moving my clothes
Of course I have faced trials
Don't we all?
But I never had anything to blame them on
For the most part they were unfortunate
Or inconvenient
No, I have never had reason to be angry.
Yet, sitting like a knot in my throat
Some tumour filling my stomach
Rotting slowly
An undeniable frustration
That I watch my friends' and strangers' lives
Falling apart, cut-off and left to stumble on
And where I see no reason not to help,
Those that can see no reason to
What reason do I have to be angry?
None, not really - but what reason do we have?
We have far too many to count

She can't see,
Her eyes are not covered,
But no light reaches them.

She can't move,
Her arms are not held,
But they do not obey her.

She can't cry,
Her lips do not smile,
But she cannot release the tears.

She can't feel,
Her heart is not cold,
But it will not break down its walls.

She is broken,
And terrified,
"Who's there?"

"Anyone?"

"I'm scared."

*"Of what, my dear?"

Why do you fear me?
I do not seek you harm,
But I prefer the shadows,
Away from attention,
So I hide in the dark,
Where all seems a danger,
All seems evil,
But I am not.
I am not a threat,
My outstretched arm,
Is for you to hold,
Not for me to restrain,
So trust me,
Let me join you in the light,
And you will see.

Contradictions,
I don't understand who,
To trust,
I am,
He is,
Can help me?
I'm scared,
My love,
Will you comfort me?
Or leave me alone?
Alone where I,
Am scared,
Cry,
Collapse,
Give in to my mind.
Please,
My love.

When I'm alone,
Dissonant chords echo as I play,
Along to the blasting noise,
Of a meaningless song.

When I'm alone,
Pen and paper call my hand,
To spill my heart in ink,
Until I bleed dry.

When I'm alone,
The glint of sharp metal,
Captures my searching eyes,
Tempting me always.

When I'm alone,
Death seems kinder,
A new start perhaps?
A second chance.

But I'm not alone,
Not anymore.

When the lightning came,
I sat alone,
Hugged tight to my guitar.

When the lightning came,
I played alone,
And let the music drown the rain.

When the lighting came,
I sang alone,
Wrapped my throat in warm words.

When the lightning came,
I found alone,
The softest selfish lullaby.

When the lightning came,
I was alone,
Only if I fell silent.

A hundred futures,
Laid out on the floor,
A million promises,
In a thousand pages,
Of far too many books,
And all a chance,
All a dream,
Nothing known,
Everything new,
Directions blur into one.

I can't stop now,
I'm looking out for you
In every shade of the sky
Every hint of spring reminds me
Of the warmth of your smile -
I can't stop now,
No, now I'm spending all my time,
Waiting.

We can't stop now,
We're running out of breath
As two lost souls unite
As I find my comfort
With your lips on mine -
Now the words flow,
No, please, Never let me go,
I'm waiting.
Waiting.
Resting in your arms.

Does fear stem from the heart
Or seep in through cracks in your skin?
Does it build up in your blood
Or soak into the layers?
Does it pump through the insides of your brain?
Or dissolve into every lungful of smoky air?
And does that poison protect us
Or slowly wear us away?

I have fallen,
Out of pain,
And landed,
In joy.

I have stumbled,
Away from hate,
And fallen,
In love.

I have trembled,
Away from fear,
And stumbled,
Into hope.

I have broken,
Ties with loss,
And trembled,
With delight.

I have landed,
Away from home,
And broken,
Down the walls.

The most beautiful season?
I think so,
Though others yearn
For crisp sheets of white
Remembering our footsteps
Or for the relief
Of clear skies and dry heat
Or for a shallow promise
Of new life that never quite
Lived up to its reputation.
Yes, who can fault the brilliance
Of fire-tinted trees?
Or the taste in the air
With that comforting bite?
And the way the sun sets
Taking its time to blaze the clouds
Into mellow haze.
Autumn, with her chill and dying,
Still glistens in my eyes.

He took an empty bowl,
And filled it with night-black,
Cracked a diamond on its side,
And sprinkled in the shards,
He stirred them into swirls,
Into whirlpools,
Drawing in the eye,
And in that reflection,
He saw himself,
And a single tear fell,
A glistening orb,
That sent ripples across that bowl,
As it hung in the centre of it all,
Born of sadness,
Treasured forever.

The leaves tumble down,
A thread hangs from the trunk,
Each leaf tied by unseen hand,
Locked in frozen fall,
They call them tears,
But they cling on instead of drop,
A whisper on the water,
Ripples pink in sunset's warmth,
Across the almost still, dark water,
Reflections warped,
Silent breath,
Watch the colour fade.

To only know how to ask,
A question that he can't help but,
Chase after with such light and dark in his eyes,
That won't stay still for long enough to write down.

To only know how to forget,
The questions that he ignores,
And clatters past without balance nor reason,
For the joy of careless haste.

To only know how to speak,
The words self-censored not self-centred,
To shout and scream and giggle at himself,
For no f*ing reason.

To be free-formed and free from self,
J'aimerais être libre!

Yes...
I wrote in French...
Why not?

Will the light of the morning,
Warm my soul,
Or the chill of night remain?

Will the rain that falls,
Bring new life,
Or fail to ease the drought?

Will the hands of fate,
Lead me home,
Or further from my path?

Will the eyes of man,
See my soul,
Or who I don't want to be?

Seeing in my reflection,
Someone I don't know,
I used to see them everyday -
But that was long ago.

The sadness in his face,
Is matched by only sighs,
And the heavy will to keep on,
With weary, tiring eyes.

To the sound of brutal raindrops,
Insistent in the cloud-covered evening,
Tired engines spluttered home,
And slept,
While the raindrops’ cries,
Went on undeterred,
By fatigue or unrest,
Pounding against the frantic wings,
Of a single bird dismissed,
By most as unclean,
Uncivilised,
Untouchable,
But still it flew,
Despite the raindrops,
Angry even now,
But never strong enough,
To drive a determined reject to the Earth.

Last to the blocks,
First across the line.

Slowest start,
Fastest time.

Broken wheel,
Realigned.

Pulled muscle,
Limped win divine.

Water drips down my shoulders,
down my back and flat chest,
Clothing me in
A torrent of shimmering skin.
My ears are blocked for a moment,
Muffling the creaking
Of my weight shifting from one foot
To the other.
My eyes are closed,
Lest I see my reflection
In the rapidly steaming up windows
Turned mirrors in the night.
I cross my arms over myself,
But it does little more than
Remind me of the
Wreck I've become.
I try desperately to wash
Thoroughly without touching
My anatomy too much,
Letting gravity do its work as much
As I can,
Wondering if I should just
Ignore some places in favour of
Beating my mind
Into the wrong shape
Again.
But of course I must remain clean,
Even as my mind grows thick with
Grime, muck, blood,
That agony can be
Slept off,
Or hidden,
Or left to dry,
Or wiped away.

Emptiness has no place
In human souls
But creeps in,
And pulls hearts apart
From the inside
Without warning,
Without mercy,
We are without
Anything to hold onto,
Not even the bitter relief
Of crushing sadness,
Or the burn
Of anger can lock away
The overwhelming
Lack of...anything to feel
Anything to love
Anything to aim for.

Anything