My broken heart,
your hands breaking.
The dark depths of my mind,
your hope sinking.
My reckless love
And your constant flinching...away

I'm supposed to be the one with the torn apart soul.
But you're the one who's all hands and no hold.

You like my head on your chest and your hand on my thigh
But when I speak of love,
all of a sudden you're shy.

You're all promise but no keep
And I'm all love and no sleep

And I forgive you,
Boy who promised me endless tomorrow's
And a lifetimes supply of love
But then left my heart, cold and abandoned
more than once.

I forgive you, best friend who said she would stay by my side no matter what,  
And left me sobbing and alone                    in a pool of my own *****.

I forgive you, mother who loves me with the world but can never seem to notice the way my cheeks are always tear stained and how I haven't eaten for a week.

Father, I forgive you for telling me home is always a safe place but making me feel like an imposter in my own home every time I enter the room;
Just because my grades didn't meet your standards.

I forgive you, kind sister who sometimes forgets that I just need a pair of arms to crawl into when I'm lonely and not
Disapproving looks and judge mental comments.

But most of all, I forgive you, sweet girl in the mirror.
Bright smile, brown skin, hateful glare.
I forgive you for not loving yourself enough
And thinking that you're never good enough.
I love you, okay?
And I forgive you for sometimes forgetting that.

I've let it all out.
And now all our memories
Are spilled all over the bathroom floor
In the form of teardrops and empty bottles.
Lost inside my sheets
And the crevices of my pillow.
Etched into my clothes in the form of cigarette burns and tear stains.
Caught between my teeth
When I tried to empty my stomach
Hoping my heart would pour out too.
Stuck underneath my fingernails trying to scratch your touch off my left arm where you touched me last.
I've wept and screamed and smoked my tired little heart to nothing but a vacant space longing to be occupied.
I've tried filling it with friends and books and writing poetry till my fingers bleed.
But an empty room
Is always an empty room
When you're not in it.

You deserve to hear those words and believe them with every piece of your torn apart heart. You need to hear these words and nothing less. You don't deserve maybes and someone who doesn't know what they want. It needs to become a rule to believe these words and not something to laugh off.

You deserve to hear someone say, 'I'm not going to hurt you.'

And you have to be able to trust them. You deserve a chance to believe them. And what those who left gave you was not love. Because love is giving as well as receiving and you have to open your eyes when looking back on the past and see how empty they made you from taking and taking and taking all your love and leaving you with so little. But take your bent and battered heart that's far from broken and allow yourself to fall in love again. Because after all the tears and pains in your chest that felt like trying to swallow broken glass, you deserve to be happy. Don't rely on someone new to fix you - fix yourself. You deserve to know and be so sure of the fact that you don't need someone's hand to hold in order to be happy. You deserve to find love again and never have to look back and wonder what you did wrong. They were wrong and they never loved you. You are lucky, you have not lost anything. They didn't love you. You loved them with everything you had and that is their loss. You have so much more to find and its waiting for you just around the corner. But you can't look back, stop looking back. You deserve to open new doors, shut the old ones and swallow the keys. They'll always live deep inside you, but they won't matter anymore. They don't deserve to matter to you anymore.

This is fake so so fake. All these drugs man they're messing with my mind. It's kinda like I'm ok but I keep feeling like I'm on another planet. Really spaced out? Messing with my head my head are you okay (no) ok well I'm just saying you need to pull yourself together I don't really care about myself right now. I know I'm breaking my body and my brain thinks it's getting better but it's the euphoria. It tricks you. Everything is always ok okay for like an hour. Then it all gets terrible again. Fake. Without antidepressants for four days I thought I was going to burst into tears every 5 minutes. Also the pills' happiness is not real. So fake again. You trick your sad little brain into thinking you're happy. But deep down you can almost feel the darkness inside you getting crushed with this concocted 'medicine.'

So you are content and you're 'happy' but deep in your heart you know your sadness still lives inside you. Pushed into a cell, bolted, until it grows too big and breaks the walls down. So go get your dosage upped and sit in class with your head in your hands and know that there's nothing wrong with you girl. There's nothing wrong with writing poems late at night and crying over people you've lost. You are a forest fire among dimly lit matches. Just because your brain is sick and no one can physically see the bruises doesn't make it invalid. But it is there, always. It cannot be destroyed, only tainted. I know you love harder than everyone else some people aren't used to that kind of love, they can't handle it. I know you still believe and trust every single person you meet. That is your best and worst quality. They're scared of the way you care too much and don't think for a second that the fault lies in you.

I can tell whether I'm interested in someone by the number of positive adjectives I can describe them by after speaking for the first time. I met you for the first time 4 months ago and we spoke for roughly an hour. By the time I got home I had thought of at least 30 adjectives and by the next morning, another 14. I thought maybe that was just my way and that I try to focus on the good in people and don't even acknowledge the negatives. After all, I spend my nights writing poetry and prose and whatever the hell else my mind can't hold in any longer. But then I realized, it wasn't me being poetic or even a poor judgement of bad character. Because, last night I met a boy whose eyes lit up when he looked at me and he didn't stop telling me how pretty I was. He smiled and laughed at everything I said and seemed ready to do almost anything for me. But after 4 hours with him, I drove home in silence. The only word I could come up with to describe him was 'nice' and that's when I realized that I wasn't listening when he spoke to me and I wasn't paying attention to the way he looked at me. I was preoccupied with memories of you and how I never had to try at all. We saw each other and seemed to pick up where we left off, perhaps from another lifetime. How easy it was to just take you in and have you hold me like you'd known me for years. My mind hasn't shut up about you since we met and I'm having a very hard time believing that the 'right person' is still out there waiting for me when you made it clear you don't want me anymore. And I can't imagine anyone feeling more right than you did.

"I've always had this feeling that I'm going to die young. I don't know why, I've just never been able to picture myself being older. I just have a gut feeling, that I don't have much time to be alive"

I said these words to you and you told me to shut up and stop talking. At first I thought you were being rather harsh, I was only speaking hypothetically of course, no seriousness at all. But you genuinely sounded terrified and you told me that you wouldn't know what the **** to do if I died. You told me to never speak like that again because even thinking about me being gone forever ***** you up a little bit. But, love, what makes this any different? Now only a few months later you tell me you have to let me go. That we have to stop what we're doing and that we'll never move forward from this. That you have too many doubts and I don't deserve someone who can't tell me they'll love me no matter what. So now, it'll be just as if I'm dead to you, that's what it feels like anyway. I haven't seen your face in over a week and you don't plan on seeing me anytime soon. Even the deceased get one last goodbye as you lay flowers on their tombstone. I didn't get anything but an emotionless message claiming you're sorry. So you're telling me, that you wouldn't be able to deal with me dying. You would lay flowers on a grave containing rotting remains of a soulless body but you can't stick around to love the real thing? I feel dead because you haven't acknowledged my existence in so long. Your touch and the weight of your body was always an assurance that I was alive, regardless of how numb I felt inside. You brought my eroded and love deprived heart to life and planted flowers that filled my rib cage so sweet I had no choice but to feel utter and complete joy. And of course I had my doubts because we're young and ignorant and a little naive. But I never doubted you or the connection we shared. I never doubted the fact that I cared for you with every broken piece of my heart and I would continue to care until you no longer needed me. I just didn't expect it to be so soon and I was so sure of the sunshine you brought to my soul, I only assumed you felt the same and nothing less. And I'll never understand how the people you love will tell you sweet nothings and make false promises about the future, with no intention of keeping them. I'll never understand how you could look me in the eyes and tell me you'd see me soon, and not have any intention of looking into my eyes again.

It took me 3 years to get over him. He covered my pillow with tear stains and filled a journal with scribbled poetry. But he didn't even touch me or hold me in his arms. He never spoke to me over the phone at 3am and I never laughed with him like I did with you. He didn't fill my sheets with memories and he never saw my naked body or called me beautiful to my face. He didn't make me breakfast and walk 5 kilometers just to see me. You did. You did all those things and still, you had no intention of staying. That was all I wanted. I didn't ask for much. I just wanted you to tell me you weren't going anywhere and actually mean it. I put my already fickle and battered heart in your hands and you've decided I am too much for you after all. Now, I have no choice but to get over you and it feels like this pain will never come to an end and I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone if it's not you.

That's the ******* worst thing in the world.
Remembering plans I made with you.
To watch
certain movies,
to go
certain places

and talking about them with no uncertainty whatsoever.
Then all of a sudden we're over and we are strangers again

and thinking about our memories is sad,
but at least we had them.

Plans that we looked forward to,
but never got around to doing -
that's what ******* kills me every night
when I can't sleep because your voice was always my sleeping pill.
And
I miss you,

but thinking of the future without you feels wrong
and there's still a tiny part of me
waiting...
for you to knock on my door, begging me to take you back.

Heaven knows, I would in a heartbeat.
But we both know you've never cared that much
and your ego is way too big to ever admit you were wrong.

Remember me with a smile on your face. Forget the bad parts- hurting me, uncertainty and almost losing our minds from not knowing where we were going. Forget my tears and the day you didn't eat because I ended things. Forget the fights and the bad jokes about leaving that weren't funny at all. Rather remember me by the good parts. Dancing together and kissing me at midnight in that little town street. Remember the smell of vanilla, oranges and jasmine on my neck. Remember laughing like old friends and the taste of strawberry fizzers as you waved goodbye on our first date. Remember the lace texture of my bra and the feeling of my fingers caressing your scar under your left eye. Remember how I looked at you - singing and playing on my piano. How I couldn't stop smiling whenever I saw you. And remember the park at night. City lights and the taste of cigarettes. Remember how whenever you said goodbye, I looked at you with big, disappointed eyes. Remember my voice at 2am over the phone and how you said you didn't know what to do because you liked me too much. Remember our bodies entwined and my breath on your neck. Skin on skin, under blankets and in over our heads. Hands and lips and teeth and it was just as emotional as it was physical. I adored you with every part of me- body, mind, heart and soul. Please know I had so much love for you. Feel it, hear it, taste it, smell it and look back and ask yourself, why you could never see it.

Look at you.
Young in years but heart so beat,
tear stained cheeks
you so skillfully play off
with a smile.

Don't get me started on that smile.
You smile with your entire face,
did you know?
It's so rare to come across
Such an open and honest laugh
these days.

I know, I know
I know you by now.
I can hear the echoes of the screams
You keep swallowing,
If I'm quiet enough.
I can see how furiously you
Blink back your tears
And how your hands tremble
In the morning.

Mornings.
I see how you fight with yourself
Stay in bed. No. Get up. Stay.
Some days, you can't even bother
To put on a clean shirt.
But you get up nonetheless;
I know how difficult that is -
Don't let a soul tell you any different.

Angry, angry girl.
Why why why do you carry
So much hate in your hands?
- 'But where where where
        where
        do I put it all down?'

I see how your chest
Is so full of love,
it's starting to break your heart.
Please won't you give some
Away?

I'm tired.
I've slept for 3 days straight,
But the weight of all these emotions
I've kept locked up too long
Are too, too strenuous to handle.

Lovely girl. Beautiful girl. Clever girl.
You've been laughing off compliments for years now.
Why do you always search
For the most unlovely and demeaning
adjectives for yourself?

Sad sad girl.
What are you so afraid of?
Why can you not stop crying?
Promise me, you will try
to stop breaking your own heart
before giving another soul the chance.

Hopeful girl.
Stars in your eyes and
Flowers growing wherever
You tread.
Keep on wishing wishing wishing
As you do love,
Keep on.

You are broken and
exhausted and
Full of love love love.
Please allow yourself a fraction,
And be ever so indulgent,
With the rest.

Darling it's been 2am choking tears and bittersweet memories for some time now. It's been 6am regrets and waiting for the 'good morning' text that just doesn't come. It's been 12pm fake smiles and trying not to write your name on my maths book. It's been 5pm listening to our songs as my eyes water and my chest is heavy with remembrance of you. It's been 7pm ice cold showers because it's the only thing that makes me feel alive since you left. Darling it's been the 8pm poems I try so hard not to write, but the pile just gets higher - filled with thoughts of you. Oh, it's been 10pm prayers for you to come back and 11pm wishes, wishes for just another 60 seconds with you. To make it all right again. And when reality and the realization of what you've turned me into hits, suddenly it's 12am hate, disgust and blame. I feel so stupid, so used and worthless. But you still remind me of perfection and I crave your affection. Then it's 2am again and I can't believe I've been doing this for so long.

It feels like someone's continuously tapping a hammer on your heart and I know you've taped her together so many times and there's still so many fresh wounds covered in band aids. But you refuse to let her break. You refuse to hide her behind your ribs where it's safe and protected from all the coldness and cruelty of the world. And every night you wash her cuts clean with your salty tears and tuck her under your sleeve, careful not to touch the bruises. But you're the only one who's careful with her aren't you? You're the only one who night after night still believes in her and tells her she's still capable of love and someday you're going to give her to someone and they're not going to have guns for hands and bullets for words. They're not going to grab her and hold her against their chest and whisper that they'll be there for her no matter what, only to carelessly drop her, sometimes throw her aside, when realizing how close to falling apart she is. Don't they see how hard it is keeping her in one piece when all anyone tries to do is rip her to shreds? Don't they see that you're  trying to love and love and love in the hopes of getting some in return to fill these cracks? The worst is when you see other broken and battered hearts, and with the sole intention of helping them you only end up in worse pain than before. I can't stop crying I can't stop crying. Somethings got to wash her bleeding wounds. She might be ruined but she's still capable of love. She is. I am. I am. I am.

I've gone and made mines out of ditches again haven't I?
I've made oceans out of streams again and made next years out of tomorrow's.
When will I learn to stop trying to predict the future
in a desperate attempt to assure myself I'm going to be
okay.

Are you okay? I forget to ask sometimes
I'm too busy arguing with my own
insecurities and uncertainties
But your ego is large enough to
Make up for my lack thereof
And you never needed reassurance

Did you?

From that first good bye,
you could see how I struggled to unclasp my hand from yours and how I kept looking over my shoulder as I walked out the door.

I missed you as soon as I left you.
Did you know that?
Am I foolish and naive and perhaps slightly
Insane. (statement)
To feel as though I had missed you, before we even met?
Call me a romantic,
But energy doesn't lie my love
Call me delusional
But I can see it, feel it
Whenever we're together:

The way our energies get along like old friends from a previous life, who have so much to catch up on.

We have so much lost time
to make up for
my love

How can I believe it when I finally feel happy for the first time in weeks. When I laugh really loudly or when I smile, so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes crinkle. How can I believe it when so many times I thought it was all going to be ok to have it snatched away from me moments later. I don't trust being happy anymore. Perhaps I have become too much of a realist that I can't allow myself to feel a split second of joy because I know it's not permanent. As much as I don't want it to, my happiness and well being solely depends on others. The fact that I can't possibly feel content when I sit by myself in an empty room is disturbing and the only thing that can comfort me is knowing that tomorrow will be a good day. I plant my happiness inside other people and what they don't understand is once they let me down I'll refuse to water it and I'll leave it to wither and die along with the phone calls you keep declining and letters I wrote that you keep tearing, to pieces. did you not see I gave you my heart broken and battered but still willing to love. Are you truly blind or are you choosing not to see my dead tired eyes filled with regret? Are you truly deaf or are you trying not to hear my cries for help that's starting to ring in my ears and the sound of blood spilling all over my bathroom floor. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here.

Somehow the universe saw our souls, far apart in distance, but too alike, too perfectly matched to not be together. I'd like to believe our atoms fought to reunite as they have been best friends for all of time and brought her into my life. My sun. The warmth that never leaves her radiates from her eyes and makes you feel at ease. My sun came into my galaxy and when we saw how breath taking both dusk and dawn was, we knew she would be here to stay. Although the clouds cover her love sometimes, the storms make it hard to remember she still exists and every night it's too dark to see her, you know she is always, always there. Even if I can't see her light and feel the warmth she brings to my life all the time, I don't have to worry about missing her, because I know when I wake and draw back my curtain, there she will be, my brightest star, making sure I don't wallow in the darkness too long. I can't imagine my life without her, I don't know what I did before her. But I will be eternally grateful to her for lighting up my life and making me believe that I am never alone.

What?
The fact that you made me the happiest version of myself before we'd even met. The strange looks from my mother when I was laughing on a Monday morning. My cheeks hurting from smiling too hard. Your head on my chest and your hand wrapped in mine like we've known each others bodies for years.

When?
After waiting way too long. Almost too late. 1 am in the middle of the week. Late night phone calls leading into the early hours of the morning. The busiest time of the year, but still more than enough time for each other. 8pm in my neighborhood playground - stars and street lights, my eyes sparkling like the stars when looking at you and our hearts flickering like the street lights, unsure, but burning nonetheless.

How?
Instincts and going with my gut. Swallowing my pride. Not being afraid for once. Letting you in. Effortless. Familiar. As if greeting an old friend from a previous life. Reminding me of what my real laugh sounded like. Wishing on first stars and last cigarettes. 11:11, every night and every morning - you. Bringing you home. Letting you in. So fast, we can barely keep up.

Why?
Everything comes naturally. The comfortable silence that doesn't need forced conversation to feel like we've said something. Seeing you everywhere. Talking to you when you're not here. Singing in front of me when I'd only known you for a week. Asking me if you can touch me before just assuming like the rest. The fact that I found it so strange at the time but thinking back now it is the only way it should ever be. Hearing you say my name and it's like the first time I'm actually hearing it. Me saying your name as if I've been waiting to say it my entire life.

Who?
You. Me. Complete opposites, but in so many ways the same person. You - charismatic and never running out of ways to make me smile. Walking into my mind and telling me things about myself I could never admit. Confidence shining through your every word and action. You get quiet when you speak about me though. I know what you want to say, but I still need to hear it. Always apologizing. Scared to put a foot wrong. Hearts on our sleeves. You. Me. Us.

I can't get it out, I'm comfortable being down.
Don't try and cheer me up, don't question my frown.
Don't tell me that I'm special, that you love me so(?)
I know you're lying
And I'd rather be alone.

But you don't want to leave, so I let you stay
I say that I'm not looking for love
And you're just in my way.

I can't stand it when you're here and I hate it when you're gone.
You're getting tired of waiting - 'so ******* long'

You have to understand love, these things take time
But you're so ******* impatient,
Trying to knock down walls
That were built for you to climb.

And lately you've been distant,
Probably found someone new
You're unaware that I'm broken,
Memories of you in my head lie frozen

I am a shut bottle of happiness,
only you can open.

I can't make up my mind. You should know this by now. What I wanted this morning is completely different to what I want in this moment and that will probably be completely different to what I'll want tomorrow. People change, but I think I change too quickly. Every emotion I feel is fleeting, although not completely gone. Like the ocean, my feelings come in waves. Just when I think I've forgotten you and I've stopped missing your presence; you come crashing onto the shore of my mind at full force. As soon as I think I'm content with my life and where I am, give it a while and the sadness will come in again as sure as the morning tide. I've always admired the stars. The steady, steady stars. Who have made up their mind and don't lose it, because they know they are happy. But I, I am always looking for what's to come or looking back on what I've missed out on. I make and break friendships so easily and although it hurts to lose so many people far too soon, I can't stick around. Boys who spilled their hearts out on the table for me to greedily consume and I swear, it wasn't my intention to let you go. I just always think I know what I want and when I realize you're not what I need, I am not strong enough to pretend that you are. I'm sorry for telling you that you were the one I've been waiting for and for calling you every night for hours on end. I'm sorry for reading you the poems I wrote and making you feel like you meant something to me. I'm sorry I drank too much when I finally saw you and couldn't hide the fact that I felt nothing for you. I really thought we could change the world, I thought you were everything I was looking for. I just wanted someone to hold me and someone to confide in and someone to love me by choice and not by default. I think the person I wanted you to be and the person you are is very different. You see, I'm very good at writing pretty words and making people feel something with my writing, when in truth, that's all it is; ink on a page. I'm not so great at making people stay and I'll push you out of my space as soon as I realize you've invaded it. You were so close to my heart, you could've reached out your hand and grabbed it. I would've let you keep it but I hope you understand that it would've ruined me. I love too much and I show it too little. I care a lot but if you care for me I'll run from your embrace. I'm so ready to give everything away and love someone irrevocably. I just don't think I'm ready for someone to love me the same way. You have to realize that if you want me, we have to take it so slowly that I won't even notice us falling. We have to take the stairs because at least if you're not there to catch me, I can take them back up. The truth is, I've never been good at happy endings. I've only ever been good at beginnings. Every relationship I've ever had, romantic or platonic, ended mid sentence.

There's a lot of ugliness in this world. In these four walls alone there's enough to talk about for hours. Everything can turn ugly when you look at it for too long. I started hearing voices in my head tonight. I know it's not me this time because I didn't know what they were going to say next, and I usually do. I'm so scared because each day everything gets more terrible and people become less beautiful than I believed they were. I'm so sick of telling the people I love that everything is going to be okay and I'm even more exhausted of them telling me the same thing. Because we don't really know do we? The demons that arrive tomorrow could make today's seem like a dream. I've seen it, lived it even. I've thought that I could never feel so terrible as I did in that moment and then get proven wrong later on. The worst is, I know what I've been through is not the ultimate worst. I know there will be so many awful times ahead and I can't fathom how I will be able to deal with them. We lose people we love all the time, people move on and don't need you anymore. Sometimes you still need them and that is the most difficult thing to understand. How someone can walk past you, past all your memories and all the love you gave them, are still willing to give, and carry on walking without a second glance. But you will grow out of people too. People that you swore you needed so terribly they were oxygen to you. And it's difficult to know what you stand for and what you believe in at 17. Everything is always changing and nothing is ever permanent. This ugly, ugly world is filled with lies and hurt and darkness. But there are so many lovely things that you have to look for. It's so easy to see the bad but you've made it seventeen years in  this place and there are so many beautiful places and people to meet. And sometimes they will turn ugly over time and that just means you have to look for the next beautiful thing. We all need help, some a little more than others. You have to try to not be sorry for being here and only apologize when you hurt someone. You don't always have to be sorry for making the decisions you want to make, you are so beautiful and filled with kindness and love. It truly breaks my heart to see you tear yourself up and see the way you look at yourself. And nobody can make you believe that you are beautiful but you have to understand that you are. And I mean your mind and your heart as well as your outsides. You have to stick around, you have to stay okay? It's difficult and extremely scary but it's going to be worth it. Yes, the hurt that is coming in the future is inevitable. But it's worth it for all the love and wonderful memories and the adventures waiting for you. You are going to be okay. Everything isn't going to be okay, it never will be. But I love you and you can do it okay?

And now Im finding it hard to breathe I have to think about letting oxygen into my lungs and exhaling slowly cause I have worse things to worry about then catching my breath.
And I'm no longer hungry because I need so much more than food to fill up my body,
I'm looking for peace, peace in you and peace in my mind
and some kind of sign
that everything is going to be okay.
But as soon as I take the directions I've been given someone changes the map and leads me down a different road.
Tell me how many times do I have to cry myself to sleep
and how many times do I have to see myself bleed
so that everybody can welcome me in this home and trust that I'll be just fine on my own
I know last time I was alone I ****** it all up and trust me that wasn't the first time it was just the first time I took it that far

but what does that say about you and every one else who's said they were there for me
but never bothered when life got too dark for me.
And I just needed a light but instead all I see are headlights
coming towards me and the soles of my shoes
are glued to the road this time
cause I'm too dazed and confused tonight
to know which way is freedom and which way is the noose.
So it's roadkill or the rope around my neck I'm left to choose from
can't you see that you leave me no choice except extinction
from this life I once believed I could learn to love
turns out you can never be honest cause that just makes you fragile
And they'll promise and promise they're there till the end well it seems  I've run out of road to run on
and by the empty street I know there's no one I can depend on.

Intoxicated, most of them
looking for empathy at the bottom of bottles and ends of cigarette filters.
Some, smiling a little wider laughing a little louder
Others more determined - blinded and stumbling, looking for someone to hold for the night

And friendships form over spilled secrets that would never leave sober lips and
for tonight,
we'll forget how forgotten we feel.

And you and your perfect words are close enough to seep into my skin.
And I say I'm fine and well,
But can't ignore how familiar this feels

I should be happy.

But the memories crack and bleed and I have to lock the gates,
burn the key
And protect what little I have left.

We were there, but not.
You were (are) iridescent
and spoke of pretty eyes and                           faraway planets
and your disbelief in
gods and bibles.

And I; afraidandrecklessandnaturally selfdestructive,
Allowed room for hope and lovely words and your smile.

You've crowded the place and its terrifying.