I have a book on my bed
that might never be read,
and the last of my thoughts
are anything except dead.

Does anyone wish for immortality
in the days of adulthood?
Is maturity a slow killing process
or just a way of inviting life inside?

It's nights like these
where I don't see
the point in anything.
For crying out loud, is there a point
other than the constant reminder
that life begins when you do?

I never understood your pain
You'd lift me into your deep sea
Emotions in a dark blue tomb
I couldn't find the light.

Never knew
what I said
meant
The world
to you
Even when I'm breathless,
You breathe me back to life.

Poised and ready
My body wants to leap
From its vessel
It deploys itself of its duties
And leaves me shipwrecked
I lick my wounds
Spend time doing the things
You don’t want to see
And as if you could ever
Hold me down
Instead you turn off the lights
Living in another galaxy
Despite my gravity being yours
The aqueducts are released
Like a flowing current
If I crash one more **** time
All I’ll see is a hologram of a boy
Confused of what it doesn’t know

I know this world will never be perfect
As long as hate and disapproval exist
It is the end of 2014,
And we have improved so much—
But where would we be
If we stopped now?

I want to see happiness slam through
This world like a battering ram
I want a brighter and ignorant-free future;
All we look toward is discrimination
We need to stop fighting over everything
When will we realize that we're all the same,
That we're all different for a specific reason?
It doesn't matter what you believe in, or
What we choose to convince one another,
Open your heart up a little
And let happiness pour in—
Only then will things become better.

Ignore the television,
Ignore the internet,
Ignore the ignorance,
Ignore the troubles,
Listen to your voice;
It is telling you to speak out.

Just as soon as the emotion comes in
The emotion has vanished from my ten fingers
Those god awful tweakers have failed me again
Like a mouse on speed, I’m running into the streets

As I revel across the kitchen floor
Socks drenched in dirt and adolescence
I find that the only true time I’m happy
Is staring at the screen in my mind
Watching life whisper in my ears

Veins pop out like a loud mouth
I dream of two dozen men
Walking a tightrope toward me
And I only find that none of them
Have made it, they only fell
Down to another who loves them so
And just like that, I’m walking it too

I couldn’t tell you how many times
I was afraid of messing it up
The number of times I reattempted it,
Hoping that it would be ready for the finale
I stumbled once or twice
Always managed to slip on my feet
Everyone I worked with said
“It happens sometimes”
And I learned from it

For every waltz I memorized
Came another tricky jazz routine
That tore me apart and pulled
At me until I was bruised
But by next week, I found it again
From time to time, I found myself solo
At times when I needed a partner
Learned to do it all on my own
An empty feeling, but a powerful one as well
I’ve had many instructors
Some good, but not all
I had to find the right one
To show me the way

I wept for a moment on the stage
To show off everything I’d learned
Went blind staring up at the lights past the crowd
Looking for a moment of satisfaction

Could this be your husband,
Could this be your mother,
Could this be your neighbor,
Could this be any given name,
Am I talking about a personal career, or
Am I talking about the same dance
We all go through every day?

I have the tendency to talk
About the loves of a young boy
When one boy never loved himself
The way he loves you now
I bite down like a sadist
Feel the sensation of overzealousness
Placed my lover into a bed of comfort
Wrote you a love song
Even though I had no experience
And no melody was there
It ignited in our hearts
And the words were suspended
Boy, there is no one way to say
That as I find you
I find myself as well

In the bedroom,
The shadow shows a champion
We come to life as the sheets come undone
I'm loving myself while making love
To you
The rhythm is voluptuous in my ears
If you were me, what would you do
Cascades of pink and red
Gliding down your back
As I climb onto your up-to-no-good desire
Eat me up, love
A safe space, loving you down
Can I tango with the beauty
That is your seduction
Will I be the same man
Giving you this fall from heaven
In the morning

day after day
we bask in the heat
with little appreciation
on what the sun does
in the afterlife
we will realize
that the sun
was all anyone needed

I’m a killer of the unspoken
We never speak at dinner
Yet I speak thousands upon of thousands
Of words
In a head of silk
It plummets like bodies placed for burial
No one knows the me I want them to
As I hop out of bed
I cradle the joys of a wonderful love
Your beautiful strands of hair
Wrapped around my fingers
I’ve never been one for cliches
But a song is a song
And love is but of the purest emotion
So I find you in the sweetest parts of me
And I want to wrap you in the arms
Of an emotional boy
Before I lose my strength
I’m trying to write you
A man as clueless as me
But a man in love nonetheless

The clock is ticking
And you still have nothing to say
It won't matter if your life is wasted
Because you have time in bed to lay

These winds were your guide
You hoped that they would help you lift
But they wouldn't and you knew it
They just told you Go inside and drift

Don't rest your eyes! they said
Because they wanted you to try
But all you could do was give up
And sit down to cry

They don't see you cry.

It's true that I'm lost
through a dark and lonely cave
and it's true that I have myself
stuck deep inside of its misery
I'll admit that I love it and want
to be there for as long as possible
my friends say that it is unhealthy,
that I'm ruining my happiness
but what could be more happier
than being ten thousand feet away
from the troubles of the world?

i am bold and italicized only when you're around
i pretend i'm a confident selfless being

in truth
i feel lost, experiencing free-fall in my stomach
i touch my nails to see if any are left

where is life going?

Hushed, a little baby in the reigns of love
I lengthen my spine to match your pride
My hair carries the weight of your lies
And as I swing it back and forth
I find that I was once yours
But the inane price of sacrifice is scarce
So my bones become stale and weak

Loving the ways I find you in spaces
Drinking my water
Resting my eyes on beautiful guys
I feel like a squatter
I loved while it was sane
So much for love in all its pain

There is a dark empty hole of dirt where you died
I see it and I feel only a black pit of despair
No tears, sadly enough
I swear I've used them all too much
I need a friend, yet I abandoned you
Why should I have any friend at all?

There's no harder thing to say than I'm sorry
I can't believe you're gone out of the blue
It's a sad tragic life of mine filled with pain
Nothing feels worse than losing everyone I love
And being left with my internal misery.

I wonder how much long longer
It will take before I'm
Where you are.

one two three times i said i'd stop
one more time i give in to the talk
you say my eyes are a saccharine delight
when all i see is eyes not deserving
of a man with this many issues
i know that all this talk about your past
must be exhausting but you call me
and tell me how everyone wastes your time
i **** myself with my own thoughts
glide off the earth like i'm one less leap
from a perfect reason to be happy
why am i only ever able to sleep
when i realize that the real monsters
aren't under my bed anymore
but right in my cranium, making a home
and scaring the living **** out of me
when i crawl back into darkness
is when you leave me the most vulnerable
this habit is a venereal curse
i am clogged up with unwanted urges
and emptied of the strength i need
and when i want to be smothered with love
i come back to the one place i know best
and repeat the cycle of torture
we all call the great big search for happiness
but there's no happiness
in a temporary love
you see, i want what's best for me,
yet i scream when i think of someone
even putting up with this disastrous tempest
i loved once and almost drowned
so pardon me if the water feels cold
i'll just as soon drown myself again
if i don't slow the **** down
and find the time to breathe
it's been much too fast lately
that when i take the time to look
i am terrified and praying for safety
but as i glide off the earth and the moon
the stars blast me with a supernova
and suddenly my prayers are answered
that's the day i wait for every night
because if i lose myself
i lose the stars, the cosmic journey, the hands
of a person with the answers and the control
of a vulnerable miserable old soul
because i'd like to think that this hell i'm in
is to lead me to a place of bliss
but these days scare me
and i'm too cold to be warm
too broken to be fixed
too troubled to be calm
sadness, they say, is a *****
but i embrace it with stride
fall asleep to the sounds of no one
i'm too afraid to be filled with pride

my prescription was ready, they said
came earlier than i had thought
so i left home with my coat
started the car in the cold
entered the uncomfortable atmosphere
placed my hands on the table
and asked for what i hadn't requested
you'll thank me for this they said
i'm still waiting to see if they were right.

I've got this feeling
That we are shifting
Through our decisions
They're never ending

If all weight is lifted
Carry me out in an instant
I'm not who you expected
My love is sometimes banished
It hurts me, punishes me

Shredded in pieces, my mind
All this time, you sang well
My eyes green, not with envy
But with holy, a white spirit
Down the hallway, I see you
You're the one in danger
Jumpstart my heart as it revs up
And revamps itself from reverie
My feet have been through a lot
But as long as I'm breathing
They'll float above the flood
Suddenly it's not so deep anymore

I have a body made up of skin
and a heart made up of stone
I wish I could rip it out of my chest
and stomp out all of the darkness
I have too much pain inside
to be choking with pride.

Am I drowning?
No,
you don't need water
to feel that way.

In an instant, we are born
And in an instant, we perish―
A vision of life before our eyes

You live on a canvas,
A blank easel
The need to be alive
Comes to you in your dreams
Like a spirit in flight
A body brought back to life

As much as you pain yourself
The pain is noticeable
But you get back up again
The strongest ones do.

The day I have it all figured out
You'll crumble to ash and dust
I'll see you sit and cry and pout
What good was I, machine with rust

And what good is progression in myself
If you're unavailable to see it brew
I throw the dust right off the shelf
You'll never be the one who grew

And when you wanted it all
I just wanted it to last
Come as you are
And I will be disappointed
Just like I was when I saw
The person I became
Was lovesick in memory
Memoria

Too depressed to eat, to sleep, to drink
Too upset to talk to someone, something
It's never too late to start working,
I always convince myself
Maybe one day they'll clean me
From all the dust on the shelf

I've slumbered for the last time
These games are way too old, you devil
Let me live one good day for myself
I'm tired of living for other people

As selfish as a two year old
And functions without a heart
I am not lacking confidence
But I am slowly falling apart

I look at the ones I call friends
And now how much I neglect them
Dogs are better friends, in truth
I'm no more than a beast, a burden

Never live in your head
It's as dangerous as death

Seven billion people,
and not one voice.

You never made much sense
Fears of not being enough
Keeping me up late at night
When you're drunk you're the happiest
But then reality hits and
Your life feels like quicksand
I'm your holiday, only coming
Once or twice a year
Don't know when to call
Don't know when you'll return
I'll stay locked up in your terror
You disregard my pain
Leave behind a mess
I pick up the rest
Will you let me know if
I'm holding on too tight
Oh, how I wish your sun
Would burn brightly again

I refused to cry
To show my weakness
To show the teardrops fall
Like the clearest waterfall.

I wanted them to stay there
To have winter come early
And freeze an icy tear on my cheek
So people could see my pain
The way I didn't know how.

Now I forever regret
The things I never tried
And on my icy cheek
It would read that--
Regret.

It keeps me up at night
While I count my blessings
I told her self-deprecation is wrong
Only I would know it best

Tomorrow I'll be wishing for your love
Today I'll be sitting at your doorstep
It's only 12 at night
My day starts with you
I'm in deep agony
Without a word or two.

You're my deranged criminal
And I'm the innocent captive
You steal the hearts of most
But mine just bleeds in your hands
Everytime you take a glimpse of me.

It's a fiery furnace filled with passion and love;
It burns bright and the fire hurts worst than death,
But no one can feel it accept the two of us.
Maybe that's how
this relationship was
meant to work.

It's only fate that brought us together
No amount of pain, suffering, or struggle
Could keep me away from your heart.
So babe,
Can you let me inside?

Undoubtedly
I survived a forest fire
Up from the ashes
Riding the decision
To live a life of freedom

Some days
Have me feeling as though
My words are vapid
And only matter
Through the voice of someone
You look up to

Every time I look for the truth
I sieve the dirt to find
The possibility of uncertainty
Playing by the rules
Doesn't feel so glee anymore

As I live in a society
Concerned with plagiarizing
The lives of those living like fire
I shift through the streets
Feeling so different from the rest

The dirt on my shoes
Will never truly go away
And neither will my place
So I just stop my crying
And place my best foot forward

I've grown to find
Life is too hard to be kind
I'd breathe for the wrong ones
Please, oh, please plenish me
As I wake up in the morning
I hope you notice the warning

In due time I knew
This sickness would falter,
Abandoning the fight I put up with
For five years
I'd no longer but shot up from the bullets
The pure ugliness of it all

It's too soon, I imagine
Why should I feel this way?
Was He feeling generous this time around?
Where would I be if it continued to derail me?

Make no mistake, I live in appreciation
But I ache knowing others must suffer
When my best friend lives with death
Surrounding the shoulder like a sharp pain
In the joints that won't seem to leave
I shouldn't be stuck saying,
*At least it's not me

A continental place
Separated by categories
Each one symbolic

The world is a child
And an aging sphere
All at the same time

It is the kangaroo
Who nurtures its young
Who in turn loves them

It is still dying
As it depends on
It's young one's help

Happy headed creature
Turns its back
On the caring mother

They are helpless from
The loss of their guardian
The world the children made

What shall we do?

For 20 years
I suffer 20 tears
But more than you think
I slash out the tires
While I carry an albatross on my back
I can burn neither of them
And God laughs at me
For He knows that my heart
Is feeble and vulnerable


For 20 years
I’ve sat and drank the poison
Lived the good lies
Of an inauthentic life
For every sleepless night
I carry this body of mine
To the wonders of certainty
And miraculously make due
With this punctured hole in my soul

For 20 years
I melt into an iceberg
Warm on the edges
But ice cold in the center
I ask you
The one who loves me
In the times I lose myself
Break the pain
And the bones that suffer as well

I'm only but 19
Yet I've held it all in
Like a brazen bull
For 20

You lost this game again
The one where you try for love
All I see you end up with
Is another broken heart.

I saved the memories of a past life
Onto a CD and listened to it in the fall
I can only hear your promises
How you went and broke them all.

Come on, the reason
Come on raise this noise
One million people, and not one voice
Come on, it's not over
For me, sing loud

I'd drop dead in two seconds
if my life meant less to you
than it meant to me
I've kept the lights on all night
Why did I never notice?

My lungs are protruding
just to hear you tell me I'm pretty
What the **** is that?
Am I that erroneous
to keep my heart exposed
for a man with no morals
and keep my hopes up?

I live with spineless creeps
crawling over my back like bugs
Mother would be so proud
A billionaire covered in sugar
and the words "your lover"
tattooed on my forehead
because my heart got confused
by a boy with commitment issues
I **** until I cannot feel
Play with the sky until I'm tired

Tell me I'm more than a simple human
because some days I feel so empty
that I don't know who I am
I'm sorry my decisions are clouded
and I'm imprisoned by dissatisfaction
God help the next person
who becomes watered down.

Sirens call from below the threshold
The children scatter wherever it is safe
I lay in bed, hating the issues
I fail to accept

Sweet November was always my favorite
It enveloped me
In a tower of safety
I'd been fighting a war
Couldn't live up to my dreams

Some days I find
That I'm too scared
To talk about what plagues my fears
What will happen when I open it up
And find a wound I didn't make?

My heart hasn't rested
For the past month
Each time I ache for peace
I feel less awake

I had to **** you twice
Got rid of the evidence
But my mind still focused on you
I looked at my face in the mirror
Saw someone worthy of love
But couldn't find someone else
My heart is retired
My love had flown out the window
Wordless, worthless
I'm never gonna be happy

To be honest
If I only had the truth
I'd be lost
In a globe of hate
I'm skipping meals
I'm living like a god
I'm emotional about it all
I'm a stick of dynamite
I'm giving back all my memories
I'm mortal
I'm ****** to death by the world
I'm evading life and what it truly is
I'm going to be the one you think about
I'm there when there is nothing else

It was easy, it was fun
Living in our fantasy land
Drawing our plans out
We'd drift into imaginary possibilities
Back then I'd show up
At your front door
Two unfortunate children
One unlikely chance
Like the best of them, we'd fall
Land in separate places
Sometimes it felt like planets
And only I had my head straight
You looked behind you constantly
Was it hard to face forward?
Leaving behind your fight
I couldn't throw punches
It was hard, it was fate

never want what you can't obtain
live life like an unfortunate soul
keep your body open for anyone
take advantage any pair of legs
let it consume you, feed you, fill you
nourish your undeserving desires
levitate toward satisfaction
push through the need to leave
sell your soul for a reason to be happy
love what you do and make it count
you can't feel like a fool your whole life
leaving your lover won't make things better
if you refuse to find a way to
find what it is that makes you
so lovely from all the rest
don't lock up the things
that make you
you

My heart bleeds fire
in your presence

                                                                                     i must stay away,
                                                                                     you'll only be hurt

                                             I'm calling for you.

We were thick as thieves and
Now I feel so alone


                                                                            i ache with the reminder
                                                                            that our love is fated

                                             I’m waiting on you.

Give this boy a chance,
He has only ever faced pain

                                                                              this boy swims in
                                                                              guilt for loving another
                        
                                             I'm thinking of you.

Look at me once
And love me for all I am

                                                                take my hands
                                                                and lead me towards the truth

                                              I'm drowning in you.

I'm a ghost
Overflowed
Chambers of saccharine delight
Sounds I've never heard before
You send me to the places
I never knew were inhabitable
Like the prophet of Shawnee
I died twice
Once when I flung myself
Into the traffic of desire
And then when I realized
I was yours and you were mine
It's so late in the night
To say
My heart is running in circles
And a young lover
Is a young lover

I need some time
To write a rhyme
Of someone in pain

They wrote a long
Steady old song
With their lonely heart

Their life was grand
Like ocean sand
But they could never see

Who needs a friend
When you can't mend
Cause they'll never understand

Who will be there in your darkest days
And the voyage feels so far away

Before a story is ever continued
It must fully begin
My life has been confusing
Because of this
I never know how to explain my own story

Look out my window
There's a lifeless frame in the streets
As disturbing as the truth
The violins make their dark tremble
The walls talk to me in whispers
But always wish to scream
They just sit and stare
As cold as that frame

I'm drifting along the streets
Ignoring the cars and the people around
There's a beauty to loving yourself
And embracing sadness at the same time

And I still cling
As I bridge the gap of confusion
Painted across your brim grin
You’ll never know what it means
To stay awake for the hazy mist
To pass on by as you gasp for breath
On the descent towards a dark abyss
**** what the others told you
**** what the others told me
I crave the moon, the stars, the planets
And what they tell me I am to be
In the mystery of your name
As witty as a boy could be
I couldn’t forget the first time you kissed me
As Leviathan carries me towards death
I drown slowly into the scaly dimensions,
Much like I held you in my arms
I’m flung from the soft skin you embody
And into a pit of wondering
I’ll cling, but for how long?

In a deep, dark hole
I hear her whispering my name
She says do not fear, my dear
I am forever happy.
Like a wildfire
She was there...
Then was washed away.
Gone.

My heart was too filled
To carry that love along
Even when the knife pinched our minds
Tickled our nerves
And told us
This will work.

My mind played tricks on me
Said this love would be a lasting success!
But this mind is deceiving
Like the weather when it says it will stay cool
But in return, it sends out a strong gust of wind
And hot, scorching flames that engulf your words
And slur your speech that once had the answers
And this flame screams...
I AM YOUR PROBLEM

This wind made you rethink all possible hopes
Told you that the dreams are just enemies
Within the battlefield you call your brain
That try to enter and attack the lies
Hiding from you.

These lies are the same ones that said
She is going to be yours for eternity
The ones that said
Isn’t lust the same thing as love?

Even if I can’t repair our mistakes
And even if you won’t give me your word
The ocean will stay blue and cold
As my heart will.

Because closure is all I think of anymore
It’s all I daydream of
So if our lives grow old and distant
I will once be all that you ever dreamt of
But in the end, I was lost.
Gone.

Tomorrow never feels right
Today becomes wasted
While I sit miserably
With a mind idle and weak
And yesterday? It burns
Straight into my skin
It's a cigarette, with its ash
Kissing my skin and landing
In a new direction
That I can't seem to find
I'm on my knees, crying
Over a situation I can't solve
But the steps don't seem impossible
So I accept that I'm wrong
And I'll see my mistakes one day
Next to my beautiful reminders
Knowing that though I have come far
I'm the same bright burning star

Sometimes it’s like
I’m floating:
Not standing on Earth,
But in my own world.

I want to yell sometimes,
Do whatever I want,
No rules at all...
Just me, myself, and I.

Tell me what you want;
I don’t need to listen,
For I make my own choices
And you just watch.

I want a world
With no problems,
Where everything’s peaceful
And I can live without fear.

This is what I want
But I honestly think
And never believe
That it’s going to happen.