So sad it had to be this way
She forgot all the good thing about him
She let them slip away
Before this she was content with her life
Yet today she decided that tomorrow couldn’t wait
Been living in a shell for far too long
That’s when she came into her powers
When she finally acknowledged her worth and didn’t settle for anything less bc she knows what she has to offer
In the end she’s 1 of 1 and she knows it

Change is inevitable
So why hold onto what we have to let go of
As a teen people would say I was so mature for my age... if only they knew it was the trauma that made me grow up fast
At the age of 8, I was forced to grow up for my body was already developing faster then the other girls
I was sexualized at a young age
I grew up hating my body
Causing me to view my body image in distorted images
Ever since then, my body has been in survival mode
For so long I was angry at my abuser
Unconsciously I never wanted to be around him, never wanted to be in such close reach again
Eventually my anger and the resentment I felt towards him was slowly bruising my heart
Corrupting my soul from the inside, turning my heart to black
I was damaging myself in the process of hating my abuser
So I decided to forgive him
not for him but for me because no matter how hard we wish for a different outcome
Life is not a wish factory, no machine exists  to rewind time
I forgave him because If I wouldn’t have the truth would have been too much to handle
It would’ve eventually driven me mad
sending me spiraling down the rabbit hole
Into oblivious

You are long gone
Emptiness is what remains
Living a life with out you in it
I used to cry you a river
I would have taken a bullet for you
Real definition of a ride or die
We were different creatures who crossed paths coincidently because in reality we wouldn’t have
We were like parallel lines
never to intersect
Yet the only time we did intersect is when you crossed my mind

My heart aches 4 you
Aches for your return
You’ve been running through my mind
You’re trapped
There you are haunting me, trying my best to escape you
The only way to make it stop is that line
One sniff
Two
But even then its not enough because you remain there
Haunting me
Taunting me
Reminding me of what we could have been

The thing therapists don't tell you after you've "recovered" is that you'll have good day and bad days which will mostly consists of bad days. They fail to mention that because when you're in therapy it's all about progress.
"Don't say this you'll trigger her..."
The truth is, some days will be harder then others. You'll want to relapse and self destruct because all of that is familiar. You'll want the  antidepressant pills again because life is hard again. Life is how you swore it would never be like again yet you're there again. You've spent the majority of you're time feeling this so you crave familiarity.
Some days you will not want to get out of bed because the sick truth is you don't want to get better. You've already made you're life around your illness. Sometimes you'll just want the world to stop for a moment so you can realize that's false. The illness is bittersweet feeling because in the back of your head you want to get better. You want a cure for the illness  but then again you crave something that's familiar and close to home.

Women aren't defined by their beauty. Woman are strong! And a woman can equally do the same things a man can do. Woman have evolved from following the idea of cult of domesticity and fearing to speak out but today we can be anything we set our minds too. Today is the day where we put an end to being quiet even when we know the answer like we were trained to. Today is the day where we compliment each others body before questioning our own beauty. Instead of body shaming we should embrace the fact that all women are different. Women shouldn't be afraid to wear anything because women are not property. As a society we shouldn't blame women for getting **** because we wore "something revealing". Instead we should all raise men and women the same !

I hated thinking of him because it made me feel.
Feel something I was never meant to feel
Something I couldn't understand or act upon
It was pointless, really, as were feelings all together

What if it's so far from being okay?
What if it's never going to be okay?
They have never felt the pain you had to endure because we all feel differently.
Humans are odd creatures
We break and we try to fix but if we can't fix we throw away
But there are some situations that you simply can't throw away you just have to pick it up.

when he left I was devastated
I was too in love to let him go but he left regardless
he fixed me but when he left I knew that I couldn't fix him
he's been gone for over 7 months now and yet it all feels like yesterday
the ache in my heart remains the same
and I occasionally shed some tears
I couldn't listen to his band music
because they brought way too much memories
but no matter how much I made it about myself
it was never my place to be upset with him because in the end it was his decision to leave
not mine, not anyone, and certainly not his band mates  
he was the love of my life but he's long gone now
goodbye zayn malik

Sometimes I feel trapped in this life.
I feel trapped in this body and this mind
and I don't know how anyone can go feeling like this
How can anyone be expected to on like this?
I understand school is important but then again there is that huge
difference between a healthy amount of challenge in order to succeed
and then being so stressed about school that you break down and cry

They say life gets better and what not
but sometimes it doesn't
whenever therapist speak about recovering they tell you a wonderful story where you life gets better and all this ****
but they fail to mention all the lives lost to a tragically beautiful disease
because that's what depression is
its tragically  beautiful because you may have suicidal thoughts or feel really low but in the end you embrace the disease
you come to terms with it that you either get better or die trying
and by the looks of it, you're not going very far
they don't tell you how to live with the disease that's slowing taking over you life
they don't warn you that you're bound to loose friendships because despite them saying they will stick with you through thick and thin they simply don't
they don't tell you how to survive with it and that sometimes it doesn't get better.

We all know that our time in this world is limited
and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet
never to awaken yet when it does happen
it never fails to surprise us, especially when  it's someone we know
There is a sickly moment of a dark surprise
as you try to readjust the way you thought things were.
And losing someone is undeniably painful

I felt shameful
when I look into the mirror and
All I saw was a fat cow
No pills, no potion could cure my shame
No dieting plan, no journal
I felt so shameful that I was willing
To go to the extent to damage my body because I didn't care enough
I didn't love myself, I didn't love myself enough to respect myself
So I would binge eat, and then I'll fast
I would throw up just to be perfect weight
88

Although my therapy days are over
although my medications are past gone
I still get that emptiness inside me, deep in my heart
I still get that disgusted taste every time I see the spitting image of myself
and although I'm suppose to be good I've made no progress at all.

I met this girl.
She was a butterfly but didn't know how to fly.
This butterfly was sad and her wings seemed as black as her perspective of life
This girl, this butterfly wanted to fly . with all her soul, with everything that made her,her.
This butterfly wrote letters explaining why she wanted to fly so badly
and when she couldn't take it anymore....
she jumpd

I told him people were sick and maybe that's why we die

I know that one day he's going to leave me. and that hurts
he is going to grow up happy with someone who's not me
But not me, because I don't see myself in ten years.
I don't see myself in five
and I don't even see myself in a year
I know one day he's going to realize that I am right
that he deserves someone better
someone who can treat him the way he deserves
he deserves to find someone who's everything I couldn't be
he deserve to never fear when his last days will be with me
because I am a ticking bomb
ready for destruction at any given moment

Happy
that's what I told my therapist I wanted to be
Happiness was my goal
I used to think it was unfair how everyone seemed happy
everyone except for myself
at one point I thought I was happy but I wasn't
in fact I was never happy it was all masked with
endless money until it was gone
A year later I made no progress
and no matter how hard I tried
I still wasn't happy because my thoughts were consumed of
horrid things and in that moment I realize there was no turning back because I was a sad girl

I'm lost
Every now and then I'll try to convince myself
that I'll eventually be okay
But then the next day my thought change
and then I'm back to square one

The thing about mental illnesses is that if you aren't
depressed enough,
suicidal enough,
bad enough , nobody cares
Nobody cares until you reach their standards
and that is until your problems is bad enough to affect them

Emptiness is like a shadow that you never really can get rid of
you can try and fill the void but filling it won't erase it
feeling it just distracts it
you try to think that things are good and finally going fine
but there's still this kind of void inside you that you can't erase
because it feels like it's written in permanent marker

The problem with perfection was that it couldn't be defined
because no matter how many times we would try to rewrite the definition
there was always going to be someone who wanted to change a word or
add in a quality
and eventually that would make perfection destined to be flawed
we all could try out best to tell ourselves otherwise but we would only set ourselves up for disappointment and I knew this for a fact

I'd put on such a strong face when I would be out with everyone else
but in reality I was just like a cracked glass
But do you know what happens to cracked glass
when it gets put under pressure?
It breaks
and I know one day I'm going to break
till I don't live to see tomorrow
It's only a matter of time before everything comes crashing down

The problem was that I was sick and nobody even noticed
I was sticking a tooth brush down my throat to dispose of extra calories
then I'd slice my wrist in shame because I had no self control
I wore nothing but long sleeves even if it was 70 degrees out
I was sick
but my grades never slipped
I always smiled
and I never caused any trouble
and when people found out my parents had the audacity to tell me
it was " just a phase "
even when the night before I almost swollowed two bottles of Advil

Security is elusive
Its impossible because in the end we all die
we all get old, all of us
we all get sick and people leave us
people changes us but that's because
nothing in life is secure
maybe except death

Life to me was made up of days where we could experience
the highest of highs and the lowest of lows
only if we were lucky enough

Now if we weren't lucky, we would be stuck somewhere inbetween
that was what the majority of the world was
this was what the majority of the world spent their daily lives
stuck in the between of highs and lows, that part flattened out
in the middle and didn't feel anything
all they ever felt was gray

I've realized that there was nothing I could do
because no matter how hard I tried to figure out the future
it was never going to be defined

The future was set to change and all we could do was hope
that it wouldn't take us for too much of ride

When I relapsed after being clean for about six months
I hated myself because of that
It made me believe I was weak
I wasn't stronger then everything going inside my head
and I fell for the trick that my mind wanted
but I didn't realize that it's okay
part of recovery is relapse
you are gunna have bad days more often then the good
and that's okay becasue at least you can say that you're trying

" Today I learned the true meaning of self - love.
I used to think that self-love was getting out of bed
and making sure to keep a smile on your face

I'm learning that self-love is loving yourself
even when you feel as though you'll never leave your room again
On days when you close the curtains and you dont even want to turn on a lamp
remind yourself that the mirror still shows the same you no matter how dark it is

It will not always be easy
most days, it will not be easy

But the dirt underneath your fingernails
is not a part of who you are
you are lovely, even when your pajamas seem to be
the only outfit in your wardrobe "

*found this on Tumblr and I loved it instantly thought I'd share it with all

The first time I went to my therapy class
I despised everything
the thought of simply going made me feel crazy
It made me fear the truth about myself
and in that instant I hated my therapist
I though she didn't know much about my supposed illness
becasue in that moment I thought
you can never truly understand a mental illness until
or unless you've lived with one
It's not something you can read in a psychology textbook
and call yourself an expert

The first time I tried drugs
I think the thing I liked most about it was that slowly
I was destroying myself
I like how it took me away from what my life actually was
and afterwards I became addicted to my what my actual life wasn't
I was living in a fantasy
I was stuck between who I was supposed to be
and who I wanted to be
never knowing what I was meant to choose

I know I shouldn't fear growing up
because that's just irrational me
it's bound to happen
my bones will ache and my hearing will fade
however, I don't fear that
I fear that moment where I'll put other things
in front of myself
I fear putting some boy that makes me feel good about myself in front of me
I fear putting my job in front of myself
I fear that by growing up it's all bound to happen
the time where you put everyone first before yourself
because that's the thing about growing up
everyone is already before you

love is like a lifeless affair
in the end leaving everyone wounded
stranded in a place where it's evidently inevitable
doesn't matter if it's the loss or rejection of a lover
and just like death
the possibility of falling in love
is unavoidable

I was sick
and not the type where you catch the flu
and within a couple days you feel better thanks to all those antibiotics
but my sickness was something different then the flu
only my flu did not involve my body
more so my brain
that no amount of painkillers could ease my pain

I could picture life
school and everything else continuing on without me
maybe there would be sorrow, maybe even guilt at first
but in my brain everone would be fine
everyone would eventually get over it
everyone would continue on with their lives
and soon enough everyone would have already forgotten,
leave behind the girl who killed herself

because that is the one thing that school does not teach you
they don't teach you that as humans we forget
about how long time passes because we've been too caught
up in everything else to realize that the world around us is still moving
that time doesn't stop for anyone
and that was the reason why I believed everything would be okay
everyone would be fine

Is it selfish to want to **** myself?
it was a daily reminder I had to keep repeating
over and over
sometimes I would hug my mother because nothing
in life was guarenteed
not money
not youth
not happiness
and definetly not life
I would embrace my mother because I never knew
when I would **** myself
it could have been tomorrow
in a couple months or even in the year to come
nothing in life was permanent
except death

Hello old friend
It has been a while since I have last saw you
let alone use you
the last time I saw you, you were cold against my skin
cold against my warm pulsing arm
we were like twins, always near one another
you were always there
you always happened to be there at the worst time
whenever my world was turning upside down
to when I simply missed the comfort of you against my skin
my skin was your canvas
for all your blood art
all intended for all the different types of colors in the rainbow
but why was it that I only saw the deeper meaning in the art?
why was I the only one seeing
****** red