you promised it wasn't wrong
you told me that it wasn't a bad thing
"it's only a game" you said.
after we played the "game"
it was the 3 year olds fault
you told me I was forced to keep playing
or I'd get taken to jail
you told me it was a fun game
no one would get hurt
you told me to not wear my pjs
we both couldn't wear clothes
you told me it was just the rules of the game
you put your hand on my bare skin
told me I was beautiful
but we could never tell
it was only a game for 2 players
no room for anyone else
and you started to get further
you said now touch me
I hesitated
and you were so forceful
you said
if I were to tell anyone you'd have to **** me
you threatened your own 3 year olds life
because you didn't want to get arrested
you know its ******* illegal to mess with children you **** head
*******
******* for all the pain you caused me
you ******* messed with my head
but you didn't ******* care at all
you thought it was okay
because it was relieving your "needs"

boy, I keep falling for you.
first it was the words you spoke
you could make saying
"I hate you"
seem so beautiful to me

next it was the way you would say
"I love you"
I love that you're not original
you say I heart you
it's so beautiful

now it's the way you make me feel
and every conversation
is just so real
and I love you.
or as you would say
I heart you bb boo

who said life can't be close to perfect?
the idea of perfection is an illusion
no matter how you try
nothing will ever be close to perfect
why can't I strive to make things
as close to perfect
as I think they can get?

the thought of being in love
sends a wave of sad to my mind
reminding me of all my mistakes
or **** ups that live in the past

it's not you that im not in love with
its the thought of love
that scares the **** out of me.
because all the pain stays with me.

dear I love you
but I don't love
the thought of love.
and I don't want that
to stop you
from love.

today is the day
that I actually really
want to die.
I haven't felt this way in a while
regathering up my blades again
developing a sadness again
getting so bad again
I'll be dead in a week
so
until then please promise
you will love me
so I wont suffer my last week.

2:43 AM
I crave your touch against my fingertips
I am having withdraws because of how nice your love was.
The daily clichè was an addiction
I looked forward to it like an addict looks forward to their "high"
I was high from your love daily
and now im using drugs to replace it.
you
you are the reason I'm up at such an odd hour
and I hate you for it. -H.M.M.

my hands
they are starting to
not feel like me

and my mind
its telling me
who I need to be

love is what I need
and I just need
someone to be with me

and honestly
all I really need
is to be needed

because lately
I have been
such a waste of space

and all I can feel
is the
words that are sung in that sad
sad song.

Life stresses me out  beyond the healthy level

The sadness
behind my parents divorce
is haunting into my skin
and it'ts attacking me

The pain
that is related with my father
comes in contact with me
when I really don't need it to

The tears
built up with the hurt in my heart
is pounding really hard
it wants out
but it's stuck and i can't release it

The guilt
piling up with pity on myself
makes me feel worthless
why am i feeling so sorry for myself?

I still think about you
as you lay in peace
6 ft under the ground
tomorrow is your birthday
you're going to be 56

and that's breaking me
I wanted you to see
me grow in every way
im sorry that you
were in so much pain

just promise me
on April 9th and 10th
you will be there with me
when im performing
my heart out
in remembrance of you

isn't it so ironic
that when we post
something happy you don't get noticed
but when you're so sad
everyone just comments
and makes such a big deal out of it
instead of glorifying sadness
glorify the feelings of happiness
because its better
and you'll love it.

nothing but positive
is in my life to stay
im tired of living
in such a negative way

today is the day
that I can declare
change to the way
I see the way of life.

life itsself is
such a beautiful place
it's filled with yellow Rays
and pink figmented flowers

and at the end of the days
as the nights start to lay
the pretty colors in the sky
say hi, just for a little while.

and finally
im tired of the nasty ways
no more bad days
I declare for myself.

what the ****
this air is running short
my lungs are closing in
my precious oxygen
where have you been
is this how I know
im dying?

you know you are feeling spiritually high
because everything in your life is so low
Jesus Christ is the love of my life
and my cup is over full
life is good
and nothing's a drag

late night
droopy eyes
4 more hours in our car ride

my best friend is passed out
in the passenger seat

flashing lights
weary eyes
I'm so tired

of the horrible lies
that have been fed to my mind

I'm surrounded by emptiness
nothing to wow me

I hate the life
that surrounds me

life could be be better I admit
but if life becomes too good
would I still be where I sit

I don't want change
I hate it
can everything stay the same?

everyday I wake up and do normal teenage things
I battle this mental hate for myself
sometimes it's harder than other times
other times I get so sick thinking about what I've let myself become.
the days I don't wear makeup are my worst days
because I don't have the motivation for anything
life can do terrible things
but I'm just not ready.

the words
the hate
the fake
they cut into me
and make me bleed

the sad
the depressed
the ugly
they attack me
because they are lonely

the words
the sounds
my mind
it never seems to slow down
not even for me to
comprehend what is happening

there are guys
in and out of my life 24/7
I fall in love so easily
please forgive me
I'm really not easy
I just want someone to need me
while you're at it, please me
I feel so easy

when I cry
I lie into a pit of this other world
where everyone's walls are down
and no one has any self respect

it's so easy to get trapped into
this second world of mine
and lose myself while I am trying to find me.

At the age of 4, love was the thing that your parents were in.
And it was also the reason for them to be together.
So you were glad that they were “in love.”
At the age of 6, love was talked about a lot.
But it normally was gross and gave you cooties.
And you swore you would never be in love.
At  the age of 10, boys start to become so cute.
You just can’t keep your eyes off of them.
And everyone is developing crushes
and they start dating each other.
At the age of  14, love is the craving of every teanager.
You feel like you have to be good enough for a guy
and that is all that matters to you.
But, when you turn 16, love is abused.
It’s no longer what you ever thought it would be.
And boys make you cry
and emotionally unstable.

honestly
I love my life
but I hate living
I hate facing
the daily disappointment
of myself.

I love having friends
but I hate them seeing
what I've become
because I hate
everything about me
and I just wish
I could ******* die
but
I don't wanna make my
best friends cry.

you're controling my mind
You're in my brain
almost every single time

7:37 am and I already miss you
I crave your lips
because I want to kiss you

you're running through my veins
stop playing games
because I need you.

well *******
because you ****
and I hate you.

but just know
even though,
hate over runs the love
I love the pain
and I love you.

love/ an intense feeling of deep affection

2. lust/ to have a strong or excessive craving

I take these two words into play
when my brain thinks of your name

I feel deeply connected to you
its so insane

but I sometimes crave you
like a summer day

so I ask myself
is this love or lust?

but one day
as we lay

I will know if this is love or lust

I think about you all the time
your lips pressed against my face
this is too much lust for ***** sake
but having our lips intertwine
sounds so devine
in a mind just like mine

my fingers and your arms
click like a mother/daughter bond
I really just want you in my arms
because no one makes me feel
as good as what you do to me.

come be with me
and just do the things that you do to me to make me feel so complete.

they're back
my little friends
they tell me how
im suppose to live.

my whole body
is trembling
scared that my mind
will fall for the
beautiful words
my little friends come up with.

"come on girl."
"you just need that blade"
"run it across a few times"
"no one has to know"

FOR ***** SAKE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
im crying out.
and I want no one
and im scared
to make mistakes
and fall into unhealthy
love for the voices
who tell me
how I need to live.

Death has been a common friend to me.
Family came into my life,
and left so soon.
I need you so much,
but you're 6 feet deep in the ground.
How is this going to do me any good?
So all I have now is the memories
and stupid thoughts that will haunt me
but not you.
But what I am seeking for is something tangible.
Nothing will ever be as great as you are.
How could you do this to me?
Just to leave me with that common friend.

I'm tired
I'm tired of being something I'm not
I'm tired of giving the best that I've got
I'm tired of not living up to the top notch
I can't keep acting like everything is okay when it really is not
I can't keep giving everything I've got because I'm always left with nothing
I can't live normal because I'm ****** up mentally.

it's been so long
since I put my feelings
into lines of writing
I'm getting dusty
with these kind of things
I feel like a traitor to the world of writing
my mind is destroyed
my heart is broken
my eyes are tear ducts
life is hard,
some times too hard to write about
I would never wanna hurt someone else
but I always hurt myself
I'm so confused with my life.

every time I wake up
in this empty bed
not next to you
it makes me think
more about how much
I really do just need you
but you hate me
so I guess I also hate you

It has finally registered to me
that all I do try to make others happy
ends up making them hate me.
I feel like no one really gets me
like being the only ugly pearl
in the sea.
Though, its an unfair expectation
to think people would understand
the complexity of me being me.

1 unread message
from my ex boyfriend
the one who ****** me up
made me feel more broken
than a unmade puzzle piece
I don't need you
but I see your pain
and I slipped back in to your
stupid trap called "love game"
and if I know nothing about
the way you love
I do know
you will always try to **** me up
and I hate it
but I still love it so much.

waking up
from the night
that I wanted to die
just makes me want to cry
because I hate my life

my self value
is nothing
my love for
myself
is still, nothing

noth-ing /pro: not anything; no single thing.

the dictionary finally
has a word that describes
the way I have been feeling
about the life inside me

I can't help
but to hate
the person
that I've
allowed myself
to become

im feeling nothing
and I am nothing

"your dad is your first love."
oh im sorry
is love suppose to hurt?

dear "first" love,
you ****** with me
mentally and physically
and now you left me
feeling not a **** thing

I haven't spoke to you in 10 years
do you even remember me?
I bet you don't care about
what I have became to be
you really did abuse me
mentally and physically
and you told me
I could never be
what I want to be

10 years down the road,
im not what I want to be
and you're the one stopping me

I use
to have a solution to
any feeling I had

your love
acohol
blades

and everything's gone

and I sit here
thinking about my addictions

and oh how easy
it could be for me
to slip back
into old me

she's been gone
for almost a year

she's in my mind
yelling at me
saying
"dear god get me the hell out of here"
begging me
to let her be free

life is as boring as a park with no kids in it
I am the park craving for you to come visit
but I never know when someone will show

I miss you like the moon misses the sun
when it's unfortunately night
and they are separated by time

you are like the tiara to my sleep
it doesn't really make sense
but neither does you staying in my life

I crave your love like a kid craves chocolate
you're so bad for me
but I love that I get you

I wait for your presence like a little kid waits for an ice cream truck that's already past
I waste all my time
sitting, and thinking about what I want.

the sun would never wanna see the day where she doesn't pass the moon
and that's how I feel
I never wanna lose you

pain finds its ways
to creep on you
like the kid
who can't stop following his mom

pain is everywhere
and I can't out run you

they are back
the voices
the ones that tell me
how I am going to live.
and I can't put myself
together again.

it's back
the pain that I feel
when someone
I love dearly
is hurting
and im trying to stop
trying to fix others life
but I cant.

im back
and I dont
want to be back.

honestly
the thought of a boy
being all googly eyes over me
sounds great
but
the thought of a boy
crushing my heart
when he is done with me
isn't so great

the thought of a boy
being by my side every time
I need his voice the most
sounds like a blessing
to my young soul

but
the thought of that same boy
calling me names
when we are out of love
hurts me more than
the break up
of our
love.

im so sorry
but I just
can't come to
my senses
to not tell
someone goodnight
to someone i love
because every night
my mom tells me goodnight
and I love her very much

Oh, how easy it would be
to solve things the way i use to do
by taking all of my pain out on me

It would be so easy
to stop trying to be happy
by letting the sadness sink into me

Why can't I stop trying
and let life take the trail
that it's led to do?

It ***** when I feel this way
because nothing makes me want to stay
I wish I wouldn't feel this way

Maybe what I really need
is someone to tell me to stay
and maybe then I might find a reason to stay

but until then...

going one step forward, two steps back
can't seem to get my life on track

two steps forward, four steps back
I can't find the answer I'm looking for

three steps forward, seven steps back
my mind can't relax

one step forward, three steps back
can't you tell this is a relapse?

After a long day of 8th grade,
she came home to be greeted by her two dogs.
Rushing straight to her bedroom on a friday afternoon
just to open her laptop and put on her favorite pandora playlist
While flowing all her brainstormed emotions into her “poem.”

She remember hearing a phrase for the first time
that changed her to a more mature mentality.
Some crazy lady her mom forced her to weekly
always asked her, "any suicidal thoughts lately?"
She ignorantly answered “no” not understanding.
that next week the Lady asked if she had "suicidal thoughts"
Her stomach rages with anxiety as she finds the courage
to ask the Lady what it means to be suicidal.

The Lady’s eyes filled with empathy.
Google defines it as "Suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about ******* oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration and does not include the final act of killing oneself. "
She thought about ending her life for the first time
with understanding of what she was doing.

6th grade lunch time.
Her eyes were drenched with sadness
while her stomach filled with discontent feelings.
She told her friends she wanted to die.
They filled her ears with temporary healing
to mend her mind and wellbeing.

She did not really understand what she was feeling
but with goals to not have to feel anymore.
She takes a handful of over-the-counter
painkillers with temporary joy
that it was all over.

She awoke the next morning with guilt and shame.

After reminiscing on this story,  
She realizes she feels the same feelings
but has already accepted the help she needed
to try to be able to accept these feelings.

She wanted more than ever to not feel anything but
found value in who she was.
Still confused, but understood enough about who she was
to just be able to feel the pain and move on.

She had never admitted this story to anyone.
Not even her loved ones or counselors.

5 years later.
She finds this writing on a random spring night.
She is grateful, encouraged, and empowered
for the growth within herself that she was able to witness

She found purpose for the bad days and loves more.
She stays busy; works part-time and goes to school full-time.
The best part is she does it with happiness in her heart
and with loving and encouraging people surrounding her.

She became stronger than her bad days, allowing herself to fight.
She is proud of her story.

valentines is sad
s-singles
a-awareness
d-day
but why constantly
be sad
when there are others
dying for your attention
**** i lost my writing mojo

life is as boring as a park with no kids in it; I am the park craving for you to come visit, but I never know when someone will show

I miss you like the moon misses the sun; it's unfortunately night and they are separated by time of day

you are like the tiara to my sleep; it doesn't really make sense, but neither does you staying in my life

I crave your love like a kid craves chocolate; you're so bad for me, but I love that I get you

I wait for your presence like a little kid waits for an ice cream truck that's already past; I waste all my time
sitting, and thinking about what I want.

the sun would never wanna see the day where she doesn't pass the moon, that's how I feel because I never wanted to lose you, but you're gone.
-h.m.