you remind me of a tree
you are beautiful
and hiding the ugly.

fall
you sprout these beautiful
colors on you.
you turn into everyone's favorite.

winter
by then
all the fake and pretty
are gone.
no one looks at you the same
you are just an ugly tree.

and you try to be beautiful on the outside when all you are is ugly on the inside.

recently life has been dull and grey
where's the color?
in other words
everything is normal
and nothing is exciting anymore
nothing's making me happy enough
to want to express it
in the words that roll out of my brain

Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I spend my life
talking about everything I hate
and spreading around negative weight
not even knowing why I wake

and every time I feel just an ounce of selfishness
reality takes it toll on me
and hurts a loved one

why do bad things happen to good people
she's only 24 and is diagnosed
with 4 different cancers
but still manages to find
that reason to smile through the pain

Life has its ways to teach me lessons
but some lessons are more harsh
than others


Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I want to formally say sorry
to everyone who was ever in need
of a life

because I acted like
the life inside of me
was just another branch on a tree

life is a drag
I don't want to be here
my mom makes me go to counciling
but takes me out 30 minutes early
I nearly killed myself last week
mom says its just for the attention I think I need
well mom all these voices in my head keep me company
the voices tell me to stay in bed because this is the life of a party
mom says why don't you go get real friends to bring to a party
mom can't you see I'm stuck in such a self destructive loop and I'm so sorry

4 people
have asked me if I'm okay

and I said yes I'm fine
but really I'm dying

But give this to me
how can you tell someone you feel like dying?

when they care
and all they do is worry

my body is numb
and my hands are shaking

I have a sharp pain in my chest
and no, I'm not faking.

all I feel like is achy
this feeling isn't what I wanna be feeling

I'm sorry to everyone
that genuinely cares about me
but I just don't care about myself

every night
when I close my eyes
and start to dream
my mind drifts to
some pretty creative things
but I always end up
with you
**** I really need you
I miss you

I remember hearing this phrase for the first time
some crazy lady I had to see weekly
always asked me, "any suicidal thoughts lately?"
I shrugged it off because I was so scared to know what it meant
that next week she asked if I had "suicidal thoughts"
I asked her what they were because I was ten or eleven and it wasn't in my vocabulary.
she googled it for me
Google defines it as "Suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about ******* oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration and does not include the final act of killing oneself. "
and I thought about ending my life for the first time.
I told my friends at lunch that day that I wanted to die.
I had tears in my eyes
I couldn't just lie
I was in 5th grade
these thoughts started so young
I felt so horrible
I tried to take a bottle of pills
I awoke the next morning
and I wasn't happy about being awake.

if only tonight could be the last night
that all this would end
life would be great
if my body was lifeless
I am sad
and I've never shared this story before.

suicide
su•i•cide- the act of one killing themselves intentionally.

a way to tell God that you can't live on the world he created

a solution that last forever when the problem lasted the weekend

the way to show everyone you're ******* done with every lie that comes out of their mouth.

even after knowing all these ******* pointless facts about it

I could easily
take the blade to my neck
and drown myself in my own blood

I'm so ******* sick
mentally and physically

I can't figure out
why I want to die
but I know it always sounds right

I don't know
how people would react if I die
but I sure do know
they'd be just fine

I'm just a lonely
waste of space
on this earth

I physiologically don't believe in suicide
I don't believe that it help solves any problems that are going on,
but I'm not saying you're stupid to feel suicidal.
the terms suicide and suicidal are defined two major different ways.
suicide can be defined as the act of killing yourself
but suicidal is thoughts of killing yourself.
thinking and doing is majorly different, because if you're committing suicide or committing suicidal thoughts you are doing to major different things
but I am suicidal

I remember the first sunrise I went to
it was second most beautiful thing
that my eyes had ever seen.

because 8 months before
my eyes locked with yours
and the rest has been a road trip.

On this trip, there are flat tires here
and flat tires there
but we they always seem to be repaired.

The sunrise shined with beauty
I could smell the pink stripes is the sky
and felt the way the waves moved.

I shared this view with about 2
2 great people who had awaken
to see the beauty that this world has.

The  sun started to rise
and then so did I
and you weren't mine.

We arrived to our location
the trip was all over
and you were no where to be found.

"I don't want to be alive anymore"
"I gtg my phone is dying"

how ironic
at the same time your
phone was dying
so was i.
but what was more important to you?

life is a never ending cliffhanger
constantly wondering what will happen next
but you don't know till you get there

my life is like a book
and every day I leave off
on a cliff hanger

it's so hard to lay down
to go to sleep when you don't know
what's gonna happen next

I wish I could skip a few chapters
or fast forward my life
to know the exciting parts in the beginning

so I lay here to fall asleep
and read a new chapter tomorrow
in the book of life

until then,
I'm stuck waiting.
-H.M.

Love(n) -an intense feeling of deep affection.
Or (n)- a person or thing that one loves
Love seems to be a very complex idea
There's so many questions
that I want answers to

Is love an idea or feeling?
Because how are you going to tell me
that love isn't an idea
when you think about it.

how could you tell me love isn't a feeling
when that's all I can feel?

Do you feel it through the rush between your toes or is it that glowing look that won't go away?

Do you feel love in your stomach when the butterflies come to rest?

When do you actually know you love someone, because I think I accidentally ate a bowl of loveo's this morning and I think I'm in love.

the day is coming up
and I dont
want to be reminded
of all the bad memories
why would you ditch me
for a drug deal
you could do any time of the week

the day is coming up
and I dont
want to be
reminded of the day
my dad proposed to my mom
because it means nothing to me.

the day my mind takes over my body
is the day i will shut down completely

the day my thoughts take over my actions
is the day that I won't function correctly

the day my pain takes over me
is the day i will be put in my resting place

the day the words don't flow
is the day i will be forced to not have happiness

it seems so weird for me
having symptoms of all of the things
that would happen one day
I think I'm dying and
I've come okay with that.

If you're wondering who the dumb blonde is, it's me.
I'm the blondest,
and the dumbest.
And when it comes to love,  I get the most hurt.
Not only am i really hurt
I'm really missing you
I hope the thought of me is not killing you
I really regret loosing you
I bet the thought of me in pain is soothing you.
Missing you has turned into wishing for you
wishing for you has turned into reaching out  to you
and all I get is rejection which aches that part in my heart
because i really wish that I could have you in my arms
but all I'm left with is memories
because that is the result of feeling broken hearted when you're a dumb blonde.

I CANT ******* HELP THE WAY I FEEL
I WANT TO DIE
I WANT TO CRY
I WANT TO LAY DOWN
I WANT TO JUST
NOT BE ALIVE
SO LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE
WITH ALL YOUR *******
THAT I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH
TO DEAL WITH

love
hate
like
date
the words that are four letters long
tend to be the ones we don't talk about
in front of our moms
I could never tell mom
about the things i love
because love comes with happiness
and I don't feel happiness
I never could tell mom
about the man I hate
because it was the same man
she was in love with at one time
I never could tell mom
about the man I liked
because the thought of
seeking her approval for a guy
I've already fallen in love with
would hurt me too much
I could never tell mom
about the men I date
because it was already too late
and if the guy broke my heart
she would probably hit them with a rake
14 years down the road
my mom has never heard me
mention an emotional four letter
word to her
and that makes me feel ok

the blue in the sky
every single time
it has to remind me of your eyes
and it triggers off
everytime you said goodbye
and you only said bye
because I could not handle the lies
that you feeding my mind.
and now
im just stuck here with why

now I hide in the lies
that you planted on me
in such a beautiful way
I fell in love
with each seed that
you may lay

now I'm a beautiful garden
with no one to take care of
any of the flowers
that have bloomed
into something bigger
so each lie you said
may not be as beautiful
because they are dead
but they still stay.

I've done it again
the monsters in my brain
take over everything
its the 4th time this month
I've tried to **** myself
how I am alive?
why do I keep having to suffer?
When does life get easier
or does it not get easier
I'm so sorry
I'm really sad

finally, you're not the only one
that has to put me in pain.
because honestly
everytime I breathe
it feels like a knife in the veins

does this mean this is
"the end"
is my story on its last page
because I still wouldn't change

im so tired
im mentally drained
and I can't feel anything
im so ******* numb

goodnight
-H.M.

Life feels like a revolving door
and I keep walking in the same circles

Go to sleep at the same time
wake up at the same time

Life is no fun
when everything starts to feel like a pattern

For some reason, when i start to feel better
something knocks me off my feet again

I heard that an old friend took his life
and I'm laying down in the rocks

I can't move this time, and all I do is scream
I scream "HELP" but no one can hear me

Life is really starting to feel like
quick sand and I'm slowly falling

Life is a revolving door
and all this happens over and over again

And I'm feeling nauseous

-H.M

you put my mind through hell
you're killing me, man
but all you care about is who's having *** with you tonight
I constantly thing about you
but you only think about getting laid
your love is actually a drug to me
its toxic and im dying
but you're too busy
worrying about who's gonna be
******* you tonight
to see how much you're really hurting me.

We talk again
5 months later and sadly,
nothing has changed.
You are so oblivious
how crazy in love i am with you,
you share with me the girl you wanna bang.
Do you have too much respect for me,
or do you think I'm ugly?

I'm missing you
and I bet you're feeling nothing.
I crave your cigarette tasting lips
and I want them for myself.
I am so jealous of all the girls
that you share your beautiful body with.
I am so sad on this August night
because you still aren't mine.

there's more to life than ***
you put my mind through hell
you're killing me, man
but all you care about is who's having *** with you tonight
I constantly thing about you
but you only think about getting laid
your love is actually a drug to me
its toxic and im dying
but you're too busy
worrying about who's gonna be
******* you tonight
to see how much you're really hurting me.

We talk again
5 months later and sadly,
nothing has changed.
You are so oblivious
how crazy in love i am with you,
you share with me the girl you wanna bang.
Do you have too much respect for me,
or do you think I'm ugly?

I'm missing you
and I bet you're feeling nothing.
I crave your cigarette tasting lips
and I want them for myself.
I am so jealous of all the girls
that you share your beautiful body with.
I am so sad on this August night
because you still aren't mine.

there is sadness in the air tonight
and I can surely feel it
as it wraps it arms around my throat
to make sure I can feel a little at home
it suffocates my lungs
pulls on my vocals
attacks my brain
so now all I can do
now is be sad

guilt is what I feel late at night
constantly complaining
of the loneliness I feel

look at the night sky
observe all the stars
they're so far apart

their separated
from their loved ones
never to meet again

they're forced to see what hurts them
seeing all of each other
but never allowed to hug each other

imagine if humans
had to live like stars
and be at least 10 feet apart

next time you want to complain
be thankful that you're not a star
and you never have to be apart

Eighteen years of life
spent loving and hating everything.
As a toddler, the only worry in her head
was what she was going to dress up as
during her day.
She loved princesses and her mom.
She hated the way her mom and dad argued
and was terrified of alone time with her dad.
As a pre-teen, she worried about her friends.
She loved every single one of her best friends
more than she really knew.  
She hated the way  her mom worked all the time
just to make sure they were taken care of.
An attitude develops from being around her besties
and her mom hates it.
Rolling into teen years, worrying about everything felt appropriate.
She loved traveling and having fun.
She hated that she realized she was the 'ugly duckling' sibling.
Never good enough, there is always something wrong with the ugly duckling.
Depression, it took the best of the duckling that was convinced she was ugly.

such a beautiful world
that I am able to see
the blue sky
it reminds me of the sea

as the sun sets
colors form
clouds shape
it's so interesting to me

I love my life.

the world I am blessed to live in
is so huge
when will I be able to discover everything?

before I die, I want to be able to say
I've been everywhere in the world
but, who doesn't?

why is this world so big?
it's like teasing the poor people
of the places they'll never get to see

dear God,
please allow me to see things I haven't seen
and speak to people I haven't met

the people in this world
are so **** incredible
everyone's original in their own way

I love to take a drive down strange roads
playing radio stations I've never heard
to hear all the talent

why do people wanna be each other?
when originality is beautiful
be yourself so you can see yourself

sometimes my mind roams
to thoughts about the ocean
and I think about how the ocean
must be lonely during these cold nights

sometimes my mind roams
to think about your my ocean
and I think about you
and even I am lonely without you

sometimes my mind roams
to those 4 am drives
and you're the only one on the road tonight
it makes you feel like you're left alone in this world

the thought of love makes me puke
but when I think of me and you
I feel so complete
just like I'm suppose to

how come there's so much space
in this world without loneliness

and I spend 5 minutes alone
and I'm already so sad I can't speak.

-H.M.

This is not a poem,
but I just want to use pretty words to express my happiness.
Seeing the way the wind interact with the trees,
makes a smile appear on my face.
As I glance over at my family laughing together,
it makes me feel a warm feeling where my heart is.
Like I said, this is not a poem,
I want to use words to express the way life makes me feel.
Meeting new friends,
makes me feel very important to society.
Beginning a new year,
is like hitting reset on your internet history.
You are free from all mistakes ever made.
I’ll say this again to make it clear, this is not a poem.

life *****
friends change
people leave

life feels like a pattern
of never ending sadness

the minute I get happy
60 seconds later it's gone

I'm an over thinker
and I know that

I get late night sadness
and suddenly nothing else falls in place

I feel a little numb
and none of the puzzle pieces fit

while people are leaving
friends are changing
and life is *******

I still do not get handed a break
because my mind is overworking

I get handed some loneliness
and all the sudden every thought I have
revolves around reasonings why
no one will ever want me

I'm the worlds best "worst thinker"
and I'm sorry

if my thoughts
and feelings
were a blade
and it cut
everytime I wanted to die
I would have
500 cuts today
and im already drowning in my own blood.

today im suffering
i dont want to admit it
because i think i deserve it

today im thinking
about how i dont wanna be here
but what else is new?

today im upset
because everyone told me life is fair
but now that im doing life, nothing is fair.

today i dont think i can do this
because my favorite people are gone
and all i wanted was them to stay

today im thinking
because when you're alone you think
and im killing my mind

my brain told me
that it cant keep going on this way
and my hands are shaking

its been so long since ive felt this way
i dont know who to talk to
because no one in my life has stayed.

my body is numb
my head aches
my eyes hurt
my mouth is wrinkled
my arm hangs
my legs are twisted
my feet trip
my hands type

my cold, sad body sits here with tears falling down my face as i think about you and every memory we shared and all I know is I miss you more than words could ever say.

there are so many
flowers in the garden
but you are
the only one I see.

when we are together
blood flows
hearts race
people laugh
plants grow
faces smile
fingers connect
lips touch
leaves fall
time ticks
life fits
please see we are so right together.

it was late nights that we stayed up talking about stupid ****
the night was young
we were two sexually frustrated people
i was curious
and your eyes were wanting
what I  was willing to give
your words were slipping into me
and making me feel like I was the best thing
you told me you loved me
and that you would never leave
but you ended up leaving

-H.M.

as I crave your hands
connected back with mine
your alcoholic breath
starts to breath on me

and suddenly
you start to
remind me
the reason
we were no longer
"we"

I remember the day
you said you'd always love me
it felt like I had just won the lottery

because I won you
and you won me
we were both so happy

months went by
our fire went out
love was not what this relationship
was built on

all I saw in you
was hate and jealousy
that's the day when
you walked away
and we never were a "we"

3 years of knowing you
36 months of your *******

I don't care how you are anymore
you hurt me beyond no point
anytime I talked to you it was like a sharp stab in the heart

you convinced me that you were the only one to care
you told me you fell in love with the way I look and how I did my hair
I was convinced I was the only one that had your caring heart

you played my heart
you made me believe in what you consider love when what you wanted was not my heart
and I'm not a set of playing cards

you took my innocence and smashed it  and I can't look past it
that filthy game you play, you've mastered it.

3 years later I know we aren't meant to be and it took me 36 months to figure out you're not what you say you want to be.

to the guy who got away before I could say goodbye, **** it dad. you've really hurt me this time. Nothing's changed you're still hurting me. 11 years of constant pain that you just keep giving to me like it's money. Your name pops in my head and all I can think of is your crumny face that was always so red. You came in my mind and made me think that you could be a dad for the first 5 years of my life. How dare you? To give a 5 year old abandonment issues. You walked away without anything to say, and I wanted you to just say bye. You took my purity and made it filthy. I'm choked up on the thought of you being good. My voice cracks when I talk about you because you messed up our family. You made me feel so ****** inside for so long, and it's time for me to feel okay. And all I need is to crush the grief from the "passing away" of you being in my life. How dare you have the guts to even try to message me? you are not what is best for me, please leave me. Allow me to sort this all out in my head because right now it's very cloudy and I can't seem to think. can we call this a blonde moment even though I'm not blonde? because I feel like the thoughts of me wanting to talk to you is just another "blonde moment" just because of how **** stupid you are. You're so ****** and I want nothing to do with you. Stop sexualizing over everybody, we are humans not *** dolls. Grow up and show some respect.
you don't even deserve a sincerely,
the daughter that is doing way better without you here (Heidi).

you see
men appear to me like
a garden of flowers
and when I saw you
I knew that's the one
I wanted to hold on forever.

you are my favorite flower
and I could just stare at you
because you are beautiful

but im the bee
trying to pick you
when all the other bees
have already used you.
but that will never keep me
from trying

as I sit on my porch
drinking the cup of coffee
in my favorite black cup,
all I can do is be reminded of you
and think about how
I want you
to be able to sit by my side when
something so  beautiful
just like you
appears in the sky
and I want you by my side
but you're 200 miles away
and that makes me cry
but maybe before I die
we can sit on the beach
with coffee
and watch the sunrise.

to the one I blame
for the reason I have cuts on my wrists
you never thought you could
hurt me this much
arent you happy?

to the one I blame
for trust issues with relationships
I think the new term
is relationshits
and you dug me
6 feet deep
and kicked me in

to the one i blame
for me falling in love
with the pain
I confused
love with pain
and I'll probably never be the same.

to the one I blame
for putting myself into shame
you were the only one I thought
that would be good for me
and you made me lose myself
and now
im fully gone.

"Heidi why do you have those lines on your arm?"
it's because im a broken person
trying to heal from all the pain
And the way I say this
I am no where near close trying
to romanticize my self harm or self hate

"so you mean people made you have these cracks in your skin"
remember the phrase "words hurt"
well the horrible sickning words
that were addressed to me
were killing me  

"Heidi please don't ever say you hate yourself again because I love you."
oh darling
you're beautiful 7 year old mind
makes me feel like
I'd never have pain again
but what am I feeling
as im trying to explain
why I hated myself so much
to have "cracks" in my skin
-H.M.

My eyes haven't been able to adjust to the light around me quick enough before my mind already started thinking. "Did I oversleep?", "I'm never going to be able to be successful." Oh how some days I hate being me. Feeling defeated after only being awake for 5 minutes, I beg myself to even be able to go back to sleep for 30 minutes to restart my day. After arguing with myself about what the best thing to do is, I get out of bed 45 minutes later. Wash my face, brush my teeth and find a decent outfit. 1 hour into my day and I'm on the edge of an anxiety attack because I feel so self conscious in my own skin. I look in the mirror and really hate being me. A day of school goes by, and I nervously watch the clock tick closer to 4 pm. I love work but I also hate it. Why do I feel the need to fake my happiness to make others feel better? Im so toxic for my own self.

the pain
that is behind
all the happiness
hurts less
than faking
my smile.

I love you.
Yes what you’re reading is true.
But we don’t connect the way we use to.
When your hand softly brushes my palm,
it doesn’t feel like a magnetic force that must stay together.
Our hands no longer connect like a 500 piece  puzzle,
where you need every piece for it to work.
I think you lost a piece.
I think I’m losing you,
This
Sure
Won’t
Be
Easy.
When I glance at you across the room,
I get this quick urge to look away.
I can’t see you the way I want to.
Our love is as clear as a persons vision who goes blind.
We lost all of our love darling.
And I’m sure this won’t be easy to comprehend.