Please message me back
I'll respect whatever you do
But I'm not ready for this to be over

Probably should've thought of that earlier

We will both feel pride
On this day
Far, far in the future
Or maybe not too far at all

Your song is on the radio
In the background of a show
The beat that people in glittering outfits
Let go of control to

You're holding your lover's hand
Or perhaps alone
That familiar bump of feeling
Bitter pride
Resentment
Melancholy regret
The ghost of hope
The ghost of the part of you
That wonders what would be different if I'd stayed
And I'm sitting
With my headphones in
Listening to your voice
That same bump of feeling
That same ghost, now brought to life

I spent so long hoping you'd never let go of me
Now I'm glad you're free

I don't know what to do today
I must confess
I did my best
To restrict a bit
To make my stomach flat
I know that I can't do this
If I want to recover
And be the girl my mother
Knows again
I should not care what I eat
Or what I wear
In fact
I should wear what
Makes me smile
But the reflection in the mirror
Is a deadly persuasive
And the diary says
"Beautiful child
"You are listening again
"You see yourself as you are
"And that is as not enough
"Come with me dear"
But I have dreams
I do declare
I have dreams that will crush you
Dreams that will stomp the whole world flat
"What dreams?"
It laughs
"If you had dreams
"I would not speak
"The disordered do not have dreams
"Love
"They have fantasies
"Delusions of grandeur
"Drugged up hallucinations
"From fasting"
I nod my head
Pay my respects
And am led away
But part of me says
"No."
I am a dreamer
I am a high hopes believer
I am a fantacizer
And a far stretch reciever
But I am not delusional
And this is not a diary
It is a disorder
So maybe I should stop writing

I don't mind people
From the back of the room
Everyone can talk
As long as I can be quiet
I don't mind noise
When I don't have to take part
Stranger's conversations
Heard from afar
Are the greatest things
I get to know people
Without saying a word
Sometimes I'll talk
For hours at a time
But talking leaves me drained
And for the most part
I'd rather just be quiet

If you've ever grown a garden
You know how hard it is
To start again and again
Year after year
Planting seeds and saplings with love and care
Only for it all to die when the cold comes

But you learn some things
Growing a garden
Not all is lost in winter
Some things go dormant, some roots grow deep
Deep enough to evade the cold and stay imbedded in that ground forever
All things die in time
But not some of these trees
They become immortal to you
They're there as long as you live

It all starts out small in a garden
You fail at first, and then again
But then something sticks
Something holds
Fights to hold on and stay alive
And succeeds
And you get to watch it grow into this beautiful thing
Towering over all the other plants you grow after that
No matter how tall or splendid your other plants grow
There was always the first
Even after it dies
It's still alive
Because it is the foundation
Of everything else you grow

Please write back.

You are all here dancing
'Round my insides
Like dizzy stars
Haunting me
My lovely ghosts

And I know I'm innocent
Innocent as any of you
Innocent as the Northern Lights
But you're all still here
Scars on my stomach lining
Chips in my ribs
Pressing kisses to my esophagus
That make me choke

I know I will have my ghosts until the day I die
And even once we part from my body
We will mingle in the stars
Maybe then you will have what you want
You can tear apart all the pieces that were me
Destroy me like I destroyed you

A cosmic apology
A cosmic goodbye

"And I don't really feel like you came back..."

We fade to black
I wake up on the other side
Tears crusted and stinging around my eyes
You are disillusioned to me
I'm without a jacket and I'm cold
I want to go home
Doing my best to forget
The time we spent together
Goodbye

Sitting alone
Drowning in dark
Gaze fixed
On the glowing light
From behind that glass
I'm happy enough where I am
There's no need to go outside

Will there ever
Come a day
When self hatred
Doesn't seem so easy
And my body
Will be just another thing

If I knew
That I'd see you when I die
I wouldn't **** myself
I'd stay here
Live out my life
See what the world has to offer
Before I joined you in the grand above

I hope you wouldn't mind
If I made you wait for a while
You could watch me on my adventures
I hope clinical psychology
Or big firm accounting
Sound interesting to you
I'll travel all across the states
Thinking of you as an angel on my shoulder

I like how I operate
Thinking that you're dead
You might still be out there
Living your own life
Completely apart from mine
What would you think
If someone told you you'd see me when you die
Would you be disappointed
Would you wish it was someone else
Or would you smile again
Like you smiled on my last full day
When I asked you to support me
I think you'd say yes
Like you did then

I wouldn't be scared of death
If I knew I'd spend it with you
There's no one I'd rather be with
And I mean it
I'll spend my life with everyone else
Might as well spend my death with you

I think I think about you dead because it's easier to cope
Than knowing you're probably out there
And you never called
I still want you sometimes
I still perk up when the phone rings
But I know it's not you
Because now you're dead
Or you stopped searching
Maybe you never searched at all
Honestly, the thought that I wasn't special to you
Is the worst thing I can imagine
I don't believe it though
I saw something in your eyes
That knots up my throat every time I think about you
You cloud over my eyes
You make me cry
Because you're one of my favourite people in the world
And you mean so much to me

I still don't exist to you
Do I?

You're the one
I'd find at the other end of a wormhole
We could be torn apart by time and space
And that same cruel universe would bend us back together

So darling, let's go stargazing
Let's lay down in bed and astral project
Lose our physical forms
Brush fingertips through the sky
The material of space and time
And **** it all up
With a single touch

We can mind meld and lose our voices
But I guarantee I'd still be thinking of you
When all thoughts are gone
When Asimov's last question has been answered
You'll still be on my mind

And when we come to in our bed
Sweaty and wrapped in an embrace that is not fatal
But will see us to our deathbeds still
I'll pull apart to grab a marker
And draw nebulas on your arms

So baby, make me a galaxy
Connect the marks on my skin and make meaning of them
I'll trace out the words of scars
Saturated on your skin
Learn the code of your soul and find my name
Written in the stars
Written on your heart
Where I always will and always have belonged

Long tan legs
Too thick?
Too thin?
Trunks of trees and
Spindles of wildflowers

Curves and contours
Too much or
Not enough?
Trapped in a box
Of a body
While beauty has curves

Suddenly self conscious
Double over
Hands on my skin
Hide me

I'm a two toned picture
One second a lovely
And shapely girl
Then just a box
A shell with too much stomach
And two much thigh
Which is the real me?

You said you're dressed like a Hozier song
One of the ***** ones, of course
Your eye contact is one of the few things
That can still light me on fire
Burn me
Burn me

I am not a special moment
I am not ground hog's day
I am not a solar eclipse
Or a sky full of shooting starts
I am not 11:11
I am something else

I am a quiet back street
In early afternoon
I'm pavement you've walked over
A thousand times
I'm an inner city courtyard
Behind some fast food joint
Rose brick walls and a cherry tree

I'm your daily commute
I'm the pattern of the tiles
On your childhood bathroom wall
I'm the scars you trace unconsciously
Scars from scabbed knees
I am rolling over in your sleep
I'm the goosebumps you get
From your second favourite movie
I'm frozen peas

I am a blank sky
I am old sheets
I am chapstick and spare house keys
I'm the little statue in your front yard
On a partly cloudy afternoon
I'm a moment with your head back
Chewing gum in your car
Sitting alone in a Target parking lot
I'm the days between seeing your friends
I'm the scent of your shampoo
The sound of rain outside your first lover's room
I'm your lukewarm nights, your easier goodbyes
I'm white lies

I'm 4:23 PM drinking soda
By the window, on your back porch
I'm the dreams you had when you were three years old
The things you don't even remember anymore
I'm crickets
On a late summer night
I'm the tick of lofi music
Humming over your headphones
I'm everything you stand for

In another world, I picked up.
In another world, I still feel you all around me.
And when we look at the moon, we are side by side, laying in a bed, somehow, somewhere.
In another world, I’ve felt your breath on my neck. I know what it’s like when you touch me. I probably memorized the trails that your fingertips trace.
In another world, I know your kiss. We stretched out and intertwined our fingers, held hands instead of holding back. We knew each other.
In another world, we were more than passing glances. We were fireworks, tangled in the sheets, my hand wrapped around your length, your fingers tumbling over me. We were sunlit, in the grass, with your dog licking our faces and the places that our bodies met. We were so much more.
In another world, I got to hear your breathing, not muffled by a wall. Harsh breaths, before your ******, and softer, longer breaths after you came, levelling out into a smooth rhythm that I feel under the head that I laid on your chest. The breath of your laughter, choking and unbound, no longer limited to the small smile that you used to save only for me. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever get to see in this life, but somewhere else… I see more.
We were comfortable in a way that I never knew. In another world, we’re still comfortable, safe in each other’s arms, soothed by the words we exchange through the phone.
In another world, maybe we got married.
I feel it, the choking in my chest. It’s the feeling of constriction that comes when you meet the one that could’ve been your soulmate. And you are my soulmate, in another world.
I wish I was her. I wish I was in another world. I want your touch, your kiss, the feeling of your heartbeat fluttering under my lips. I want you. Almost.
Goodbye.

My love
I only think of you when it rains
I remember your face
In the light of my fish tank
Your silhouette is still painted
Against the outline of my window
I will not break
Until that fades

Because I can still feel your eyes
Locked on mine
You captured me
I'm still trapped in your cage
Existing in a moment
That no longer exists
Back when it was just you and I
Sitting alone
At this table for two
In the back of the school
Laying on the grass
When I got so close to kissing you

I'm still there
Locked in our nest that we built
In the woods behind my house
I can feel the sticks
Poking through our mossy bed
Just like I can still feel your arm
On my side
The first time we fell asleep
You right next to me
Laying on the floor
Of our best friend's house

I can still sense your heartbeat
And stickiness of my thighs
As we cuddled up in my loft
As you held me tight
You fell asleep in my bedroom
And all the soft sounds you'd make
Still echo in my ears
Holding me for days

Oh, love
Please never stop raining
When the sky clears
And the ground dries up
I might forget you
And where would that leave me?

Softly set
Like the summer sun
Blinded
By your lights
That you're
Shining on me
So crush me
Under your tongue
Drink me down
The taste of summer
Berries

Where are you right now?
Halfway through
To glassy panels
Sitting alone
Might I find you
Lost in letters
Of things I never wrote

Does the same moon
Rise upon you?
Hoary in the night
Glistening alone
Is my face
Lost in craters
Miles away

Do phantom scents
Haunt your walls
As your breathing does
For me alone
Or am I
For you lost
To be found

You've made your stance quite clear
You don't want me in your life anymore
Understandable
After what I did

I was sure you'd come back
But you didn't
You haven't
And there's a good chance you won't

I need to move on
Pick myself up and get myself away from here
Immerse myself in different things
Pick up hobbies
Begin reassociating the things I recognize as you
With something else

I can't let you rule my life anymore
I just can't
I have to move on

Hopeless
Helpless
I would do anything
To let you in
To let you know
That I feel your pain
I’ve been there
Same story
Same place
Crying out
To see the light
That isn’t there
But I’m by your side
So let me know
If there is anything
I can do
I think I’d do anything
To see you smile
Again

This is an ode to us
Our elbows that brush
When we're walking down the hall
Our feet as we kicked each other
At a football game
Arms interlocked
On a walk through the school yard
And fingers reaching, grasping
Sliding over arms and bodies and sides
Finally intertwined
In the street lit night

This is an ode to our memories
Good and bad
The conversations between classes
When I told you I was suicidal
When you told me you were abused
When I realized that I loved you
Making small talk on a swing set
Knelt down in a library
Snapping under electric bonds
Thinking about you all night long

This is an ode to the things
That stay between you and me
I was the first one
To ever use your name
I waited for you at the stoplight
When you refused to jaywalk
Or run around the other way
We looked across the road
Through drifting car fumes
In our small home town
I remembered your arms
Just a few hours ago
They didn't feel like home
But God, were they close

This is an ode to us
To this teenage love
To the rain that fell
And cleansed the downtown buildings
Washed out the streets
Leaving everything out in the open
All our secrets and mistakes
Silly conversations and inside jokes
And hurt, the things I'll never quite get over
The times you didn't look at me
And the times that you
The times when it was just
You
And me
Alone in our feelings
Your blue eyes locked on mine
Free

You are part of my history
No matter what I do
You've claimed a piece of me
And I still never want to see you again
But I've accepted that the person I knew
For five hours on a Saturday afternoon
Will never leave me

Your face is still going to haunt me
I'll still cringe when I imagine
Your hands on me
But I'm getting up
And moving on
And not caring if you move on too

Soft skies, turning grey to blue
The grass outside will grow
Spinning up around our ankles
Lay back and watch
The clouds dancing in the sky
Still remember that snowball fight
I find that I don't mind sunlight
When it's with you

I always see them.

Laughing with their friends,
Head thrown back
Sunlight spilling down their throat
Lighting up their crooked teeth.

I want that to be me.

I didn't need to dream about you
Holding your hand out to me
******* on the corner of my ear
And asking "do you want to kiss me?"

I didn't want to raise my hopes up
When we haven't talked in days
When our eye contact is only
Mandatory and
I know you never wanted me anyways

I don't want you
I don't need you
So why do I still crave you
Why do I still dream about you

Darling
I'll do my best
To think a bit more
I'll stop by the
Post office again
I don't doubt you
Please don't doubt me

I'm crushed
By the weight
Of my own
Imperfections
I'm not
Sure what
I really
Expected
But it wasn't
This
I didn't
Want to
Come back
I didn't
Want to
Be here
Choking down
Compliments
That I know
Aren't true
Trying not
To cry alone
In the corner
Of my room
If nothing
Around me
Will break
Or bend
Then I
Suppose
I will

You're so serious
I can barely read your lips
Never laughing and never ending
Contemplation of everything
I wonder
When you'll laugh
And if it will light
The whole world on fire

Late morning
In a slush of wet snow
The early, indignant barks
Of neighborhood dogs
Fills in the spaces
Between soggy snowflakes

The warmth of the radiator
Settles over me like a wave
A warm wash of lethargy
Over my already tired blankets

You're my muse
I think
When all I can hear is the buzz of the AC
And the echo of my fingers on a keyboard
You're my muse
You fill my head with lovely things
And scary things
Kisses and fingertips
Brushing against my scalp
Your tears sinking into my t-shirt
My tears staining my pillows black
I'm scared sometimes
By how much I want you
I daydream of driving to Chicago
And seeing your old house
Looking at the flakes of crumbling paint
Looking at the forgotten or perhaps repressed parts of you
I crave knowing you like that
You're guarded
And I don't blame you
But I wish I could lick your wounds
The ones that still ache when it gets cold at night
Long closed up but never quite healed
You're guarded
I want you to let it down
Let me see the side of you I saw by the river that night
The side I see in your pictures online
Like the one of you laying on your back on a rock
I remember the story of that one
Is it so bad
To want to know you so well
I could crawl inside your skin
Walk around as you for a day
And no one would notice the difference
I don't think it's so bad
Do you?

Don't let me be lonely
Or should I say
Do not let me become more lonely
Because in a house full of people
I am utterly alone
It doesn't matter if someone
Is two feet away
It doesn't matter if I can hear their laughter
Footsteps overhead
A glass breaking
Anything
I am alone

Please don't let me be lonely
I'm sure that's foolish because
Ask anyone
They'll tell you that
I want to be alone
And I know
I know
That I push people away
And I do but
It's not because I want to be alone
I deserve to be alone
But I didn't ask to be lonely

Don't let me be lonely because
When no one else is there
I can't find a reason to do anything
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't do anything when I'm alone
And I know that
You can't do anything to help
But please
Don't leave me here
I'm not where I am because
I am lonely

Don't let me be lonely
I've always wanted to be
One of those beautiful people
On a screen
Those people who find peace
In empty space yet
I am not them
Maybe it's because even when
I am alone I am not really alone
I'm still here
And out of everyone
I am the one I hate the most

Please don't let me be lonely
This is something that I can't escape
And I don't know how to cope
I don't know how to deal with this because
There is no way to deal with this
This hatred of me
And I try to change
But the more I change the less I
Recognize my own reflection
Then I am not alone
There is someone else there with me
That is so much worse

Please
Don't let me be lonely

That day
You commented on me staring out at the snowflakes
There's so many things I can't forget
I hate you
I wish I could feel something for someone
Again
I want so bad
To say that you broke me
But you didn't break anything

You were my teenage love story
The real one
You were my ride or die
My forever and ever
My messy pile of clothes
That drifted into yours
My old sweater
That came down to strings in the end

We were still children, really
Overgrown children still not quite big enough
To fit into these adult clothes
Trying on phrases like "I'll love you forever" and
"I promise I'll never leave"
So excited about the colors
And our feelings bursting forth
That fitting didn't matter

I'm sorry we bought that chair
I know it's burned by now
It went up in a blaze
In your best friend's grandma's backyard
I close my eyes and see the tears on your face
Reflecting the rising ashes and flames
I hope you cursed me

For me to become a distant memory
Some far away faded thing
A leftover pile of string
Is the best fate I can have for you

Our end was abrupt
In the way stories written by a child's hand can be
Trailing on and on and on
A fit of passion
Crazed and somehow beautiful
Trailing off
To
An incomplete ending
An unfinished sen

Long night of flashing lights
Dark bridges
Your feet and mine
Tangled together
While we pass over wet pavement
Do I miss you yet?
As rain trickles down
Heavenly tears
Wet my face
Wash away my fears
Time is sand
Dripping through my hands
I will sit here awhile before I
Return to you
Meet me at the edge
Of the field where we met
I’ll see you a thousand times again
A thousand quiet touches
Infinitely in your embrace
Feel your hands against my back
Do your fingers ink my skin?
Leave marks on me
Where you used to be
Please become real to me
I don’t want to forget this

She's something
So tall and
So pretty
They say that she's skinny
And so special
With big dark eyes
And crooked smiles
Yes she's just
So pretty
If only she
Could see the things
That everyone else sees

But even if she isn't
It's okay
Because she's strong
She can hold her own
In a fight
She doesn't back down
She doesn't give up
She survives
The worst fights
She tears herself apart
Then picks up all the pieces

We're just two lonely people
Connecting across time and space
Over something
Something
That doesn't really matter
Tis a tale as old as time
The roles of you and I

We're probably be good together
You say
From deep beneath the subtext
I sit and nod
Hundreds of miles away
Check my feed
Waiting for my own response

I encourage you
Awkwardly
Because you're the man with the deep voice
You would normally be in charge
But not here
Not today
When we're two anonymous silhouettes
Dancing in the dark

I don't love you
Lonely stranger
But maybe I'll tell myself
That I do

I need to say this
I know I've stuck
To the funny stuff
But it's not enough
So please don't feel
Like you owe me
Literally anything
As much as I care
For you my dear
I would do this
For anyone
I couldn't turn
You down even
If I wanted
And I don't want to
Trust me I'd love you
But it isn't you
Well
Not true
It doesn't have to be you
It could be but love
You live hours
Away from me
And I think I'm more
For your idea
Than I am for you
So please
When you read
My soliloquy
Know that I
Am not asking
For anything

This isn't war
There are no bullets
Just blood
Seeping from the holes
And fueled by the heaving
Of broken breaths
Ripping through my sides

And this isn't hell
There is no fire
Only scars
Charred into my skin
Traced by the fingertips
Of those who loved me
Of those I left behind

You remind me of what it's like to fall in love
The rush
And the eventual disappointment
It's been so long for me that I don't even feel human anymore
Everyone I know is a million miles away
And I don't even mind

I don't know
Maybe this is just more proof
That I'm better off alone
Because there's nothing quite like
The numbness crashing in
It's not something I can share with someone
I wouldn't if I could

I'm listening to old love songs
And they just make me realize
How I'm never romantically nostalgic anymore
I don't care about my old crushes
They've all turned to dust on me
The only boy I've ever loved might as well be dead
And I've resigned myself to the fact that he's the only love I'll ever have
He's the only one I still cry for
He's the one I'd die for
If it meant I could see him in heaven

I don't know
Maybe I'm over young love
Maybe I'm just preaching and goth
Not old for my time
But I feel no connection
To any of these people

I flirt with my ex girlfriend because I'm bored
She doesn't deserve it
She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen
And I was so in love with her before
But now that's gone too and I'm stuck rambling all because my friend is in love and talked to me about it on pinterest
I don't know
I never thought I would be so emotionally unavailable
That even romance wasn't my thing anymore

I'm over him
But how can I be
When my hearts still skips a beat
Every time I pick up my phone

But my mind's moved on
And so has my soul
I'm done writing letters
On the margins of every
Biology paper
In blotted ink
Overlapping
Until they don't mean anything

For now, it is forwards
Until I find someone
To truly give me
A reason to pause

Alone again
With your hands
In my head

Try to see your face
But all that comes to mind
Is my old bed
And the hell it held

Am I losing you?

But then again
There's nothing to lose
You're that ethereal
Mistress of your mind
And I can't own you
Wouldn't if I could
Couldn't if I tried

Falling apart
At the lightest touch
What happened to those bright eyes
To that midnight sky
That we laid under
Dew collecting around our bodies
As we stared upwards, unafraid
Of that endless scape of stars

But now you're falling apart
At the lightest touch
At the tap of a piano key
The brush of a snowflake
On my cheek
Why are you afraid?
Why are you crying?
Why are you dying?

I miss you
Why did I leave you
Why did I ever do this
I miss your face so ******* much
I just wanna talk to you again
But I know you won't respond
You've decided to respect my decision
So I know you won't message back
I know you won't add me again
You won't block me because you probably can't bring yourself to
But you won't respond

I'm alone now
You were my number one confidant
I loved you so much
We would always call when I was sad and I'd go to bed smiling
And imaging you holding me
Your chest pressed against my back
And then it stopped working
I got off the phone and sobbed into my hands
It wasn't enough anymore
I guess I realized things wouldn't work out

It hurts so much to let go of you
My eyes have been constantly swollen since I left
Full of tears and mourning
As much as I wish you'd text back
I'm glad you haven't
This was coming sooner or later

Tired
Always tired
Eyelashes
Sting my eyes
Blinking is a pain
Honestly
Today
Early morning rising
No food
Before a blood draw
It must be good
Or else I'll never leave

At least there's birds today
A dog on the
Front porch
Sprawled out
Like my dreams
Dreams of going somewhere
Anywhere
That this isn't
I have those
To count on
To count up
And swallow
Like the pills
That I took
This morning

It's too early for this ****

I'm in a romantic mood tonight
Strangely soft and sappy
Or maybe I'm just
With the people I love
Talking and laughing and listening and growing
All tangled up
But no longer
A puppet of my emotions

I want a tattoo
And a bathroom
With nice towels
And some good drapes
The solid kind
You order online
Not the ones
You buy from IKEA
I want a wife
But only
If she wants me
And a beautiful
Dog with a big
Fuzzy tail and a
Heart full of love
I want a trampoline
I don't need a
Big family
Just someone to
Hold me up and
To hold up
In return
I want to shave my head
And pierce my nose
And go to college
Where I want to go
I want to garden
Grow my own food
I want to learn
A lot
I guess
How to dye hair
How to sew
I would have a
Full closet of
Victorian clothes
If I could sew
I'd like to travel
A lot of places
Germany, Russia
Japan, Maine
There's so many things
I want right now
And that's okay

Would things be different
if we still talked?

Would I feel better?
Would all these disorders be gone?
Would I still be in love
with all there is to be?

Would you still love me?
Did you ever love me at all?
Will your body feel it when I'm gone?
What if my last dream of you
was the day you died?
What would you say
if I joined you?