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96 · Mar 2020
Sweetheart
kain Mar 2020
I don't miss you anymore
I miss the daisies that popped up
Wherever we stood
Missing your hair
And all the pictures you sent me
Your gentle hands
In china white gloves
Carefully intertwined with mine
Like I was a piece of art
Like I was something to treasure
Not something to throw away

I miss your voice
Blitzing through that
Samsung cellphone
Timed, late at night
What would you think of me now
96 · Mar 2020
Quarantine Love Story
kain Mar 2020
The last day I saw you, it was snowing
It was snowing in the middle of March,
which was weird
But even weirder, I was sitting at your table
The cool kid's table
All of your friends looked at me like I was a freak of nature
But I was your freak
They saw us laughing and cracking jokes,
but mostly staying silent
and they left us alone

I wonder if I'll ever forget that day
I've already forgotten the way you dressed
or whether or not you were wearing your glasses
But I remember the snow,
cold and silent as us
Falling down outside
It was still there when I woke up at three o'clock in the morning
to your breathing
To the fact that you were still laying next to me

I remember now,
your red and black sweater
I never got why people call those things sweaters
I always called them sweatshirts, or pullovers
But you'd assuredly call it a sweater
Just like I know you'd always baby talk your dogs
and chase after Emmett in your backyard
and dream of smoking ****
in your unattached garage
I'll never know why you picked me
Why you chose to stick around
When you could've easily left
Maybe it was my perseverance,
If you could call it that
I could never let you get away
I never wanted you away from me

Maybe I'll forget this all someday
When I'm older and greyer
But not quite grey
Living with the one I called my soulmate
The person I chose to believe
was meant for me
Funny, how I still keep thinking about that person as you
when the conversation never flows quite right
how we can't be left alone together
in an empty room
There'd be no fear of passion
We are as lifeless as fallen stilts
The abandoned remnants of some government project
But for now I'll say that I'll always think of you
And I will think of you
Your hair and your stupid smile
Everchanging but always signaturely you
I guess I'll miss the few moments where I felt at home with you
at peace with you
Because after this quarantine is over,
nothing will be the same
96 · Nov 2021
Dummy
kain Nov 2021
You are my dummy
But not as in a mannequin
Or a toy
Or a punching bag

You are my dummy
As in I think you are dumb
Because you hurt yourself too often playing sports
And you make me explain big words and slang to you
You watch professional football
And sing songs when you're out fishing
With your friends
You sleep in late and text me halfway through first period
I think about kissing you often

You are my dummy
As in you are mine
You send me pictures of your face
We talk every day
It's been almost a month and
Every day you are mine
Every day we say good morning and good night
We send each other hearts
I think about being against your chest
And knowing you are mine
I'm writing poems about someone again.
95 · May 2020
Gone
kain May 2020
Thank you
For a good first year
Sure there were bad parts
Parts where I hardly wanted to be, but
All in all
I was not in pain
I did not suffer like I used to
You were the cause of that
And you are the end

Now I'm gone, baby, gone
No lost love between us
You were there
For my sophomore year
And that's all you'll ever be

I'm gone now
I don't love you or miss you
All those parties
All those 3 AMs
I don't regret them
But I hope they never
Happen again
There are people I will miss, and people I most certainly won't. I'll be a friendly acquaintance for sure. But I'll never be with them again.
95 · Nov 2021
Shut Me Up
kain Nov 2021
Just a month until I replace you forever
You have no place in my life anymore
I don't care that you don't want me
I never ******* loved you
It was infatuation and I got rid of you as soon as it was gone
I come back to you when I'm bored
Then discard you once I'm not
You answer every time
It's pathetic
I feel nothing for you
Title from the song by PRINCESSBRI.
95 · Jun 2019
Space Song
kain Jun 2019
Broken days

Living in a daze

Thinking that maybe

If I went to space

The vacuum would ****

All the air out of my lungs

I could be happy then
I wrote this ten days ago but it feels relevant today so I guess I'm posting it.
94 · Oct 2019
Second Day In A Row
kain Oct 2019
I want to go home
I wish I was
As sick as you
I'm just ******* tired and disappointed, mostly in myself for ever believing things could go well.
94 · Aug 2019
Glasses Made Of Words
kain Aug 2019
Bones of books
Stacked up on shelves
The scoured
And devoured
Doused in vinegar
Sterilized after the wrath
Leaf green lies
Stripped away by bleach
The world is clean
Scented with coffee
No wildfire romance
No breathtaking view
Just me and you
Imperfect fools
Working to destroy the version of the world I built from books and music.
94 · Feb 2020
Untitled
kain Feb 2020
It's a soft whisper in the wind
Longing for a home
That doesn't yet exist
Tracing to myself
A lovely lash of lines
Roots growing out to darker tones
We're growing all the time
94 · Jul 2019
The Call of the Void
kain Jul 2019
To feel the sun
On my skin
It's heaven
When the warmth
Of love
Caresses my scalp
I'd die
Gladly
In that moment

But nothing feels as good
As letting go
Knowing that enough
Is enough
Nothing is quite like
That creeping pang
Of hungry guilt
That eats away at
Everything
No amount of sun
Could ever equal
The rain
No amount of
Smiling faces
Could take away
The pain
Of a lonely mind
Nothing parallels
A broken heart
And a broken mind
Nowhere is as home
As the room
With the ragged walls

The mental torture
Struggling to stay
For just one
More day
Crying alone
Muffling the sound
Pressing others away
Pushing myself down
It's hell on earth
It's my great black cloud
My unholy hurricane
My mental rollercoaster
With the wheels
Lit on fire
And the safety bars gone
It's a death trip
But still a trip
And I wouldn't
Have it
Any other way
There's no reason to go back. I finally have the chance to leave it all behind, and I keep looking back.
94 · Feb 2020
Read
kain Feb 2020
I sometimes wish
I had left you with the snow
It's a joyful place
High up in frosted peaks
But strangely silent
Strangely empty
We don't stay long
Play around and stick to
Former's footsteps
Then pack up our car
And drive away
But I can't leave you
You're a timeless spring
I'm just going with things for now.
92 · Oct 2019
Blackbirds
kain Oct 2019
I'm not in love.
Not yet, at least.
But someday, I will be.
With these covers
Pulled up to my chest,
I can feel my teeth move
When I breathe.
It's honestly bleak.
But there's a soft beat
That lights up my lungs.
Guitar strings strumming
Like blackbirds
Pecking.
92 · Jul 2019
Khoshekh
kain Jul 2019
There's much about you
I adore
Your face
The way you smile
When I step
Into a room
Your buoyant laugh
That raises me
The wrinkles
At the corners of your eyes
Life is hard
But it's good sometimes
Most of all
I like about you
Is how when everything
Is falling apart
You pull us back
Together
Just enough
To keep me
Wanting you
And just when I was ready to move on, she showed me her cat.
92 · Dec 2019
I'm Just Your Tragedy
kain Dec 2019
I'm just a mistake
Don't belong to anyone
Broken
Misspoken
I wasn't supposed to be born at all
Writing this in the gym
Where I thought about slitting my wrists
It takes a while to realize
That while everything else changed
I did not
I'm the same thing
That wasn't supposed to survive

I can feel their eyes on me
But I don't see them anymore
I don't see anything
Space out frequently
I won't remember this in the morning
There's no point of living, I think
But it doesn't matter what I think

It's cold outside
And it smells like the sea
What if this what it
I died in a car crash
Rose up into the air
Swept away
By the salt in the breeze
I'd never be sad
But I'd never be happy
91 · Mar 2020
You Found Me
kain Mar 2020
I don't want to be here anymore
I just want to go home
This building is too full
Of half concealed ghosts
I'm tired of dancing
Around the things that truly hurt me
Tired of being scared and numb
Disappearing inside myself
Headphones blasting music
All the things I wish I could say
I'm so ******* tired of being here.
Title from the song by The Fray
91 · Mar 2020
Swingin Party
kain Mar 2020
Not side by side
But I carry your umbrella to our table
It's a promise you make
Something physical to prove that you won't leave
You won't leave
Not just yet
Maybe we'll still be here in spring
To watch the sunflowers grow
Dark faces turned towards the sun
While we turn our backs
Watch our shadows staining the lawn
I wonder
Will I see that house again
Dark paperwork and cursed words
Wonder if I'll touch your skin
Trace the outlines of your muscles
And make you shiver
Wonder where we go from here
Part two. Title from a Lorde song.
kain Feb 2020
Hideously underwhelming
I think I can see cave lights
Off in the distance
You radiate everything
Bad memories and
A cold, calculated concept
I shiver as you shake me
Slowly out of my corporeal body
Sending me to a new dimension
Surrounded by the light
Of a thousand almost fireflies
But it's a cold light
Nothing friendly or familiar
And ants are crawling
Up and down the bones of my spine
Reminding me
Of crisp October evenings
That find me slowly rotting
Dead with or without your love
I thought that writing this would get him out of my head. I was wrong.
89 · May 2020
Savior Complex
kain May 2020
I don't want to save you
I want what we never had
To sit and talk about music
Without all the awkward pauses
I'm sorry for this
Because I'll probably leave you in the end
88 · Sep 2019
Suspending Judgement
kain Sep 2019
I'm okay.
I'll be okay.
Today happened.
88 · Aug 2020
You're Everything
kain Aug 2020
You're so much more than a matter of fact
You're sitting at a table
and I'm watching you drink juice
You're texts I get at two in the morning
that I only read when I wake up
You're holding up your hands
while looking at a starry sky
trying to catch the moon
and bring it down to you
You're a poet
and you're your own poetry
You're a mess
You're all the pinterest boards we made together
You're beautiful
You're laughing
as we play video games in your room
You're doing a cheerhold for my feet
so I don't fall down this slippery ***** we built for ourselves
You're an artist
You're art
You're taking mirror selfies with me
You're everything
to cc
88 · Apr 2020
I Want To Hate People
kain Apr 2020
I want to hate people
I want to hate the humanity
That has made the world what it has become
But there's something so beautiful
About the sun setting over a city
About a rainy day in a small town
About rooftops
And faint lights
Seen from across the river

I want to hate people
But whenever I see our world
Just a glimpse of what we are when the cameras aren't rolling
I fall in love again
We're destructive. There shouldn't be anything here to love, but there somehow is.
88 · Jul 2020
Highschool Boyfriend
kain Jul 2020
Imagine having that perfect highschool boyfriend
Being one of those couples in the halls
Hugging before each class
Kissing after school
Wearing his hoodie
While he wears your scrunchie

Imagine staying up late facetiming
Falling asleep to his voice from your phone
Holding hands when you walk together
All your friends talking about how cute you are
Holding a special place in someone's heart
And being so open about it

Imagine being enough to have that
These aren't even relationships that only exist on tv. I knew couples who did the scrunchie thing in freshman year. I know couples who do all of this still.
I can't imagine what that must be like for them.
87 · Jan 2020
Passenger
kain Jan 2020
Rain drums on roof tiles
And I feel strangely happy
My heart is shy and keeps quiet
But right now, leaps forwards
Dreams of plaid couches
And carpeted dreams
I'm content, again
In my own head
These little moments are becoming more and more common. I don't like this poem though. It's not great. Not sure why my brain is broken lately. Title is a Britney Spears song. Should I write my mind?
87 · Feb 2020
Nothing To Nothing
kain Feb 2020
We are nothing anymore
Not like we were ever much
I try my best to start a conversation
You brush away my words like flies
I don't know why I try
You stay here out of convenience
And frankly, so do I
I'm bored of you and your fickle moods
Indecisions and second choices
We don't dare to cut it off
Just keep on circling
I really want to get away from them so they don't have anywhere to go when they heck up with their other "friends", but that's not actually good motivation. Guess I have to think about this more.
86 · Nov 2018
It's Winter, Darling
kain Nov 2018
Winter time
We all fall outside
Laughing and tumbling
Running
Vivacious and brilliant

Cold air bites my neck
You’re warm
With legs bare
Arms out wide
But I’m scared

Sun moves quickly
We sit on the floor
Rolling, rolling
On the edge of things
With people I don’t recognize

Teeth glint with sun
Goosebumps on arms and legs and skin
Boldness blossoms
I change my mind
You enter The Louvre
:)
86 · Dec 2018
I Am Apathy
kain Dec 2018
At school
I feel okay
I spend that day
Focusing on getting home

Then I reach it
And I just can't seem
To feel anything at all
Yay...
86 · Apr 2019
Still/Run
kain Apr 2019
Shadows
Streaking
Lines of light
Like paper planes
On the wall
With the picture frames
All hold your name

My shadow
My silhouette
Beautiful void
That I love
Dancing with
Candle sticks
Raised above our heads

Pale green dreams
Mottled wallpaper and
Rotting screens
Sunlight
Is a knife
Bleeding out
Clean the veins

Shadow girl
It follows
Rained out
Sidewalks and cracks
In asphalt
That deadly disease
Love me
Does this mean something? No clue.
86 · May 2019
Institution
kain May 2019
Soft leather words
Sliding on my skin
As if I'd ever forget
The way we stayed
Forever at
Each other's sides
Your hand
Not quite in mine
Light hearted laughter
Echoing through the dark
Corners of my mind
Breaking through
Like sunbeams
In a storm
Beautifully
Crazily
How you all accept me
Crashing words
Stripped of lies
I'll miss you
But I'll smile
I love my crazy fast friends because even when I leave them, their memory will make me stronger.
84 · Aug 2019
Shark
kain Aug 2019
The breeze
Is fine
But I wish
The sun
Wouldn't shine
84 · Aug 2019
Fixed Position
kain Aug 2019
No one can fix me
I am not broken
Maybe bent and twisted
Warped beyond all
Hope of recognition
But my matter's the same
Nothing has changed
The same little girl
Who loved leopard print
The same preteen
Who dove in
The deepest end
The same little liar
Who said everything was fine
They share my face
I share their ways
That won't change
Until the day
That I'm lowered down
Laid to rest
Six feet underground
Everyone will
Leave me then
84 · Sep 2019
Day Forty-One
kain Sep 2019
I dreamt about you
Again last night
We finally met
In a worn down house
And I kissed you
Three times
How I wish
That had been real life
83 · Nov 2021
My Heart Hurts
kain Nov 2021
My heart hurts
Because it remembers you
But it doesn't recognize you
It's been over six months
And your demeanor has changed
You were so hopeful about life then
Now you're a husk
Dry and overworked and empty
Drained of everything you used to be

But maybe it's just me
Maybe I don't see the side of you
That still cares if you live or die
The part that loves video games
Hiking
The sound of my voice

I miss your soul
I feel such loss for you
It's a melancholy malaise that has settled over you
My heart hurts for you
I recognize some of him. The foolish aspects. The parts that make him work himself too hard and do too much for other people. I feel like crying because I miss the person he was.
83 · May 2020
Someday
kain May 2020
Someday, I will get better
I have to.

It's a promise I made
On a cold day
Outside in the sunshine
I've talked about it a thousand times
I'll say it again
I will get better

I'll get better
Or so I say
As I bleed my heart out through my thighs
And count all my calories
For the thousandth time
Trembling from my favourite cold
Maybe just one more hospital
I will get better

So I cry in the living room
Reading books about the people
That did make it through
I cry about my future
And all the possibilities
That after all the therapy
I'll be a professional
I'll be one of the ones
Who didn't make it out
I will get better

Face buried in my pillow
Half hoping I wouldn't sit back up again
That I'll suffocate in the sheets
Where he desecrated me
That I'll never have to face
Another day where he looks at me
I will get better

And as we speak
I wonder if you still think about me
Do you see me in the moon
Like I always used to see you
Are you out there, sitting in your yard
Remembering cracked rubber chairs
The smell of disinfectant
The carvings under our desks
The screams muffled behind glass
What if you're dead
Or gone like the rest of them
I will get better
Incomplete
83 · Apr 2019
Missing
kain Apr 2019
Missing something
Like a lock
Without a key
Some essential piece
Gone
Very simple something I wrote because I am done with school for today and I'm sad.
83 · Nov 2019
somewhere
kain Nov 2019
somewhere deep in my skin
i'm shaking
trembling
lost beneath the surface
drowning in my dreams

somewhere in my head
hazed with caffeine
i'm losing
i'm dying
83 · May 2021
Forever & Always
kain May 2021
Things are slowly falling apart

I have such good friends
A family who loves me to death
A house and a home and a heart that beats
But I'm so empty

It starts with a click
Nails on my phone screen
Reading that text
Again and again
The beginning of the fall

My room starts getting messy
I start writing less
Lunches pile up on my desk
I get used to feeling hungry again
I still list my songs before bed
Falling asleep in my sweatpants
Clothes piled on a chair
So high it's practically an entity
A guardian of my depression
Watching me fall

I still talk to my friends
I still smile when I read
And laugh at old shows
But it's harder now
And I ache when it's over
Deeper than before

It's not my worst ever
But if I had a bottle of pills
I'd drink them down painfully
After much deliberation
Life is so painful and lonely
When you're failing ever so slowly
Withdrawing and crawling
Deeper in your hole
It's so dark down here
Yet I loathe the light
I take the perfect life I have
And flush it away
Watch it drain
Then scoop up the dregs
And mourn it
Like I wasn't the one who made me
Forever lonely
Forever and always
Title from the song by Zeph.
83 · Jan 2020
Without You
kain Jan 2020
My sweetheart
Black haired tornado
Never thought I'd write again
I've moved on to social commentary
But never on from you
Because you are my escape
At the end of this day
You are the only place I know I feel safe
Sitting here
On this rainy, rainy day
My mind wonders astray
I'm back to you again
Still wondering when
Another bad boy for the pluto series.
83 · Oct 2019
Untitled
kain Oct 2019
Deep breaths
In and out
Pushing away
Just about everything
Forget myself
My precious memories
It's better than this
It's better than this
83 · Jul 2019
Promise Me This
kain Jul 2019
All at once
We can breathe again
But somehow
The same old
Suffocation
Will never
Truly leave
I'm begging you
Please
Just let me be
I'm fading
Like the wallpaper
In the palor
With the water damaged
Trim
And the moldering
Carpet
While the leaves swirl
I just fall down
A decrepit house
And things live inside
That you don't want
To see
I'm not pretty
So darling
Slide a chair
Under the handle
I only last so long
The demons keep
Biting
At the windows
And scratching up my glass
I guess that means
It's time to leave
I'll never stop listening to old songs.
81 · May 2020
I'm Sorry, I'm Trying
kain May 2020
Imagine that someday, I will be happy
Imagine living not alone
but with an apartment full of roommates
It doesn't matter if they're the people I made promises to
The future is full of empty spaces
waiting to be filled

But god, how I miss them
Everyone
Every single memory
scrolling through her instagram
smiling because she's doing well
I truly hope that everyone is doing okay
I hope that you're all growing up and moving on
more than I am
title taken from the song by nothing,nowhere.
81 · Jul 2019
Summer Vacation
kain Jul 2019
Fresh peaches and
Hunting for
Seashells
In my head
Laying on my bed
Watching windows
Flash past
On a train
I've only seen
Once or twice
In scattered dreams
Wondering where
The hours went
Borrowed some stuff from Peach Pit. Oops.
79 · Sep 2019
Untitled
kain Sep 2019
Do you remember the time
When you told me that you wanted me to get better
And I told you
That I didn't believe you
We didn't talk for days
And then you walked in
In your ridiculous silk pajamas
To pet a golden retriever
And I said I was sorry
And you said that it was alright
That you meant what you had told me
There's probably a moral in here somewhere, but all that I know is that I'm on the verge of crying in first period self study because someone once wanted something for me without wanting anything in return,
79 · Aug 2019
Believe
kain Aug 2019
I never did
Believe
I mean
I just didn't
I'm not the sort
To believe in
I'm just
On the cusp
Of unforgivable
Never pretty
And barely funny
More like laughable
At the best
Of times
But I'm older
Now
It hasn't changed much
But I guess
A few years
Can be more
Than it
Would appear
Because I think
That maybe
Those words
Might mean something
And the things
That they say
Are not to placate
Maybe I am something
Maybe I can create
As well as
Destroy
Perhaps somewhere
In the years
Of self destruction
I learned how to live
Do you ever get that feeling that something might be coming together, and that you are a part of it?
79 · Oct 2019
Untitled
kain Oct 2019
Heavy cloud cover
The veil over your eyes
Am I your wedding
Or your funeral
Wrote this a while ago while hp was down, and now that it's back up, it doesn't mean anything anymore.
79 · Apr 2020
Lobster Hands
kain Apr 2020
You're so broken eyed
Since I left your discord server
Puppy dog in a playpen
And a bonfire promise
Maybe I still care about you
More than I want to admit
I'll be there in your backyard
Taking in the sky
And soaking up the smoke
Dreams tend to tell you what you won't admit.
I dreamed about you again.
79 · May 2019
Perfection Defined
kain May 2019
Quiet
Mournful
Hair before my face
Clothes before my skin
Body over mind
Learning all too well
That skinny thighs
And a sun bright smile
Are more than my mind
More than my hands
That touch
So lovingly
Creating and destroying

Bend me back
Until I break
A perfect body
I shall make
Burn the mind
Sell the soul
A perfect body
Makes me whole
So yeah ****'s going down and it's this or a mental collapse so I guess I'm writing more bad poetry.
78 · Aug 2020
Suicidal Thoughts
kain Aug 2020
Thinking about unblocking his number
Is suicidal thoughts
He's my death wish
My reaper's kiss
Can't believe he was once my everything

Manipulative, darkened and deceiving
I fell for every trick he fed me
And always woke up from nightmares
That left me screaming
They were dreams of him
And a rooftop
And giant claws
They're suicidal thoughts

I see his face
In every scar on my arm
Every shriveled patch of skin
Is something like him
So twisted and deceived
Well, that's more like me
But I still miss him sometimes
Wonder what I looked like in his eyes

A fool, I suppose
Just a foolish girl
Lost in his fantasy world
A world where he might actually love me
Pure fantasy
Where the rope around my neck
Is a daisy chain
And this suicidal thoughts
Are pure bliss to me
78 · Aug 2019
Day Twenty-Eight
kain Aug 2019
I don't know why I keep writing
I barely think I know you
You're just my confessional
At this point
I'll keep going
Knowing you'll never see this
You'll never read this
That's good
That's definitely good
Because I don't know what I'd say
If you said you'd read
Through twenty-eight days
Of the worst poetry
Known to mankind
That'd just be embarrassing
For both you and me
Part of me hopes
You never write back
I want to let this go
So I can freely wallow
In my current state of mind
But I can't do that
I'm not doing this for you
And I'm certainly not doing this for me
I guess I'm doing it
As some part of my deranged moral code
I need to prove
That I am something more
Than an empty shell
That the things I believe in
Are more than lies I tell myself
77 · Apr 2020
the whole nine yards
kain Apr 2020
im sick
blown full of holes then
congested
heat and cold
are my sun and moon
the night and day
a switch flippedv within seconds
the whole nine yards\
but the only yards of mine
are the tendrils of sickness
laid out like racetrack down my tongue
into my inner systems
im typing this in bed as i have tge flu or some *******. sorrin for spelling sand rttypos i cant thinkb straight how do you think i came up with this posm
77 · Nov 2018
The Traitor
kain Nov 2018
The ride home is cold
I plug in and stare out the window
At the darkening clouds
Gravel crunches and we are
Here
House
Grey and painted with our mistakes
Step outside then back in
Bare feet on the floor
Not happy but comfortable
Unpack mother's things
Fold bags and put pieces in place
No one follows
Peek out the door and
Headlights are still on
A dark mist in the
Driver's seat
Angry
And brooding
Tip toe downstairs
No one is fooled by me
I kiss and tell
As I realight the steps
A door creaks open
I have be caught
I have been found
This is by far the worst thing I've ever written in my entire life.
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