i
fell
in
love
with your hands before they ever touched me
i want to kiss your knuckles and thank them for their strength
i'll hold your fingers for the art that they create
i'll ask so kindly for them to press against mine
you'll look at me as if i were crazy
but i'll kiss them all the same
because hands tell a lot about a person
and yours told me enough to make
me
fall
in
love

I WANT TO SCREAM AT YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR THICK SKULL
I WANT TO KISS YOU BECAUSE YOU MAKE MY HEART WARM
I WANT TO SHAKE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARENT THINKING STRAIGHT
I WANT TO HOLD YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE MY TREASURE
I WANT TO LEAVE YOU SO MY MIND CAN MOVE ON
I WANT TO BE NEAR YOU BECAUSE YOU BRING SUNSHINE
I WANT YOU TO GO AWAY
I WANT YOU

i want to take a vacuum to my soul to rid myself of you
you're in my nooks and crannies
hiding from my efforts
no matter how hard i work you'll still be there
constantly driving my compulsive mind to the edge
maybe i don't want to vacuum you all the way gone but i want to rid myself of the pain i feel when you are not here
i can't decide whats worse
the pain when you're gone or the pain i feel when you are here
i'm so needy
i'm so clingy
cut me off so i can heal myself in pity and self loathing
release me from your grip that you didn't even know you had on me
please

you were a constellation
a beautiful complexity
a pattern only I could see
but then it changed
the arrangement became an endless kaleidoscope
you were a mash of stars I could not make sense of
you entangled me in your lines until I could not see the way out
now all you are is the yellow city lights
forever blinding my view of the beauty beyond

it eats through me like a caterpillar going through a leaf
it may not have much strength, but I am even weaker
it tears through my body until it hits my throat
there remains the aches of forgotten worries and the lumps of memory
it devours my lungs, leaving them gasping for air
my eyes burn and all the water in the world could not satisfy them
I feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest as it anticipates it's demise
It's all inside my head
I come out the other end of it feeling exhausted
my body relaxes and the adrenaline leaves
I'm left breathless and confused
what just happened?

okay but how weird are dreams
you close your eyes to rest your body but behind your lids the film unfolds
your mind paints a picture
the beach is soft as the sun sets next to your lover
all your teeth fall out
you make the game winning play for a sport you don't even play
you go to school naked
you make unusual friends that had only passed briefly through your mind
feet slip from the cliff and you wake up with a sudden ****
suddenly the thoughts that had been so vivid only moments ago fade into nothing
your subconscious is trying to tell you something but what could it be?
maybe it's revelation
maybe it's magic
maybe it's nothing at all
but dreams are pretty weird

you are my favorite sky

you blend my life into a beautiful mixture of reds and purples and pinks as the sun sets
you take the streaks of indigo and violet so separated by me and blend them into the magnificent night sky
you paint the mountains and hills in deep greens and browns
you add the brightness of the sun in ways I could never imagine

it's glorious rays fall upon me when suddenly you stop
you cannot mix together the black and white of my thoughts
you are grey and I am no longer your canvas
you turn away frustrated

the sunshine leaves with you

you make me frustrated in the strangest ways, but I guess that's love? I wouldn't call it that but it's starting to creep down that steep *****. I really wish you'd actually talk to me but you're always holding back. I can't tell if it's from fear of what could be or what is. you make me self conscious and self confident. see how you conflict me? I question nearly everything I do, especially when I'm with you. I control my laughter and bite my tongue, or I guffaw with audacity and speak my mind. I'm caught between two of my selves because I'm caught between which one you like more. both are me, yet neither really seem to be. I'm quite tired of the charade but I will not be the one to quit now. I'll ride it out and regret it years from now.

I may fall in love one day but their heart beart won't pound out my name
electricity will not flow through my veins with their touch
my fingers will never crackle as I reach out for more
my bones will not ache with their absence
my lips will never endlessly crave for theirs against mine
I may fall in love one day but it will not be ardently enveloping

I am deflated
like a balloon left in the corner for a few days
wrinkly and sad but still there
slightly full but not worth keeping

I am deflated
like an inner tube of a bike tire
rolled out of a garage after the winter
a hindrance on the path to felicity

I am deflated
like an air mattress
handled carelessly a few too many times
still useful but not overly enjoyed

I am deflated
because I am too exhausted to inflate myself
*again

I still can't bring myself to open the gate. my own secret garden, hidden from the world. with more than one gardener the weeding would be easier, but a good gardener is hard to come by. so I keep my gate closed with a sign saying no trespassing. no one dares move that creaky gate. little do outsiders know how deeply the flowers yearn for someone else's fingers to stroke them. no one will hear the cries let out by the forget-me-nots as they are easily forgotten. no one will know the beauty behind the walls of my garden.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MEET YOUR GAZE WHEN IT MAKES ME SO VULNERABLE? DO YOU KNOW HOW INTIMATE YOUR EYES FEEL EVEN FROM ACROSS THE ROOM? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE AVOIDED YOUR GLANCE IN FEAR OF THEIR INTRUSIVE WALTZ IN MY THOUGHTS? DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS WITHOUT TRULY KNOWING THEM?
DO YOU KNOW
DO YOU KNOW
DO YOU KNOW
you must know
you must know the ache in my skin that your stare leaves
you must know

tired of looking at you
and feeling my heart leave my chest as it grew

tired of looking at you
and wondering if you look at me too

tired of looking at you
and seeing a future that will never be true

tired of looking at you
and not being able to power through

tired of looking at you
and feeling myself unglue

tired of looking at you
because i never get
tired of looking at you