you were my entire world,
and while i accept blame and responsibility
for making a universe out of a mere mortal,
that doesn’t change the fact that
the sky suddenly seemed empty
when you left.
the stars shone a bit dimmer,
the light in my eyes went out.

eventually other people came along.
they carried torches and used their flames
to rekindle the ones i had lost.
the stars started glowing again.

i learned how to remove you.
dug you out from under my skin,
erased you from my brain.
you became mere mortal, once more.

and i was okay.
and then you came along again,
telling me you were sorry.

i don’t want an “i’m sorry”
i want you to tell me you miss me
i want you to tell me there’s a hole shaped like me
somewhere in your heart,
and you want me to fill it again.

i want you to tell me i changed you,
that you also can’t listen to
the songs that we used to sing to each other,
have memorized by heart,
because that would mean having to acknowledge me,
remember what we had,
and that would hurt too much.

i want you to ask if you cross my mind,
because i cross yours all the time, and it’s as if
a piece of me has been etched into your brain and ears and eyes,
so that no matter what,
there are certain things that you can’t
watch or read or hear
without thinking of me.

tell me you love me.

because no matter how far away i try to throw you,
you always seem to find your way back to me,
back under my skin,
back into my heart.

i haven’t stopped loving you.
i don’t know how to.

but i want to.
so save your i’m sorry’s,
save your nostalgia and frustration and sadness
for the next girl whose heart you break.

there’s no room for it here.

you asked me to describe you,
and i found myself at a loss
for words
(which doesn’t happen very often;
words usually pour out of me
like water from a fountain).
you mean the entire ******* world to me,
how do i put that into words?
how do i put you into words?

you're the literal light of my life:
you’re a ray of sunshine,
a respite from the constant thunder and rain
that seems to follow me around no matter where i go.
you pour constant love and warmth into me,
so much so that
even on the gloomiest of days,
i feel happy and okay.

you’re my inspiration;
i look up to you in every possible way.
you make me want to be a better person,
show me what that could be like.

you are soft and gentle and kind.
you’re the feeling of coming home
of watching a movie under the blankets
with a cup of hot cocoa
of finding something that you thought you had lost,
and the relief because
you couldn’t imagine living
without something so amazing.
you’re the feeling of safety and security,
of knowing that everything’s going to be okay,
of opening a new book and becoming immersed
in an entirely new world, something you never could’ve dreamt up.

you’re the feeling i get when my favorite song comes on,
shouting the lyrics and knowing i’m off-key but not caring.

you remind me what it’s like to feel alive,
what it’s like to feel human
(and how can i put that into words?)

I suppose I could plead innocent to this crime,
But that would be lying.
After all, I knew exactly what I was doing
Each and every time I took you apart,
Ripping your self-esteem and sense of security down
With every cruel word I threw at you,
Like a game of darts with your heart as the target.

You tell me that despite having broken up with me,
You can’t possibly forget me because all your demons have my voice.
I suppose you hoped that would spark remorse within me,
And serve as some sort of proof that there’s evidence of what I’ve done.
But darling, I don’t think you understand;
That was my intention all along:
To leave an imprint in your life.

I’ve always been enamored by graffiti on public property.
I suppose destroying you
Was my way of imitating that;
Leaving my mark on something that
Wasn’t mine to begin with, nor to end with.

If it’s any consolation,
I’m not proud of the person I’ve become.
But at this point I’m afraid
It’s too late to try to change.

I’m ashamed to say I’ve become a bit of a thief;
A pickpocket of sorts.

It started out small.
A few roses from our neighbors’ garden, every now and then.
I knew it was wrong to take something that wasn’t mine,
But I fell in love with the way your eyes lit up
when I held out those little bits of stolen life, stolen joy.

It soon escalated after that.
I saw the way you gazed lovingly up at the moon,
and I became determined to make it yours.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried,
The moon remained unattainable.
(There is only one, after all.)
I figured I’d aim for the next best thing, so
I hope you like the stars I stole for you.

"I'm a sad girl/I'm a bad girl//"

I'm a sad girl
but I've gotten better at controlling it.

now I only let myself get sad once Loneliness knocks on my door and invites itself in. it tends to do so past midnight, but it does enjoy keeping me on my toes. sometimes, it'll creep up on me while I'm in the car, and a song comes on the radio that reminds me of you.

I'm a bad girl
but only occasionally.

I'd like to think that I'm a total badass that can pull off the whole "I don't give a ****" attitude. but I can't.
so when you try to picture me as I tell you I'm a bad girl, don't picture me as a mysterious teenager with a taste for wild adventures.
picture me instead as the girl that lashes out at people, and is known for being a bit of a *****.

———

I'm a sad girl
and most of the time, it's because of you.

which, I suppose, might amuse you, because you do enjoy the thought that everything is about you.
but it isn't, really. not anymore.
of course, I think of you, from time to time. but I know I never cross your mind, and I don't think I ever did.
and somehow the thought of that was enough to help me make peace with what happened. I'm okay now,with letting you go. Loneliness has found other people to entertain, as have I.

I'm a bad girl
but not really.

I'm much too vulnerable for that. but I've learned that there is strength to be found in that—in weakness.
I wanted to be invincible, and who can blame me, really? isn't it every teenager's dream to be on top of the world?
but being undefeatable and creating distance between anyone that tries to get you to open up are not the same thing.

and if I had to choose, I'd rather be sad.
at least then, I know that while I'd have crazy mood swings and bursts of darkness, I'd be in full control of my feelings.
and one day, I'll be okay.

you need to live for the little moments.
for dancing in your kitchen all by yourself.
for spinning around in the rain.
for the random bursts of inspiration.
for little adventures in the city, for exploring
and getting lost but
enjoying every minute of it.
for body-positive days, when you decide
that you feel like rocking that almost-too-short dress
and those glittery heels and eyeshadow and that dark red lipstick.
for baking at 2 in the morning.
for having movie marathons, complete
with popcorn and lots of chocolate.
//
for that feeling you get when you discover a new book
that you fall instantly in love with.
for that feeling you get when you stumble across
something you accepted was lost.
for the feeling you get when you can finally play that song
that you've been practicing for hours and hours and
it sounds amazing.
//
for all the times that you'll laugh so hard
you can hardly breathe.
and all the days that you'll spend in that one coffeeshop,
surrounded by people that make you feel okay.
for being able to see the bands that you listen to constantly
live in concert, and your voice getting lost in the crowd
as you all sing along to the song that has kept you
from falling apart time and time again.

you have so much to live for.
but most importantly, you have to live
for yourself.

my sadness is asking to use the bathroom during class just so I can lock myself up in one of the stalls and break down completely without worrying about people watching me. my sadness is trying trying trying to write but my hands are shaking too much to do anything but bury my head in them. my sadness is typing up messages to friends about what a ****** day it's been, but deleting the whole thing just as I'm about to send it, because no one deserves to be burdened by my problems— this is my struggle and mine alone; and I need to be able to deal with it. my sadness is not being in control of my own thoughts; not knowing how make the screaming voices stop. my sadness is absorbing the pain from people around me and sometimes letting it get to me.
--
my sadness isn't rainy days and a few "sad songs". my sadness isn't "she drank the whole bottle but your name still burns at the back of her throat". my sadness isn't me spending time in children's playgrounds, surrounded by people with thoughts darker than mine ever could be, and a taste for drugs and danger. my sadness isn't "she smokes now, but her mind is still as hazy as the day you left". my sadness isn't flowers in my hair or anything that can be encapsulated in a tumblr photo or quote. my sadness isn't beautiful, nor poetic.
--
it's just sad.

and isn't it strange?
we all have so many emotions
and later on we don't even remember why we felt a specific way
just that it hurt.

you hold me up high on a pedestal-
your perfect gold shining trophy.
//
to you, the world has always been different tones of monochrome.

the sun was pale- almost white, but not quite.
the oceans were their own hue of gray- special and unique.

and when I befriended you, I took a variety of pigments
and started to paint a spectrum of light onto your canvas of reality.

you always gush to your friends and family about me-
how charismatic and lovely I am.

how I touched your icy grey eyes with my bright blue hands
and gifted you with a sense of sight.

and I'm honored, I promise I am.

but darling, there is vibrant yellow sunshine in your veins
and a purple haze in your mind.
there is stardust that shines brightly within you,
mixed right in there with your cherry-red blood.

there has always been color in your life.
but you never quite allowed yourself to see it.

I'm not anything extraordinary. but I hope that when you realize that,
you'll  keep the colors that I inked into your life.
//
and maybe, you'll keep me, too.

darling, I know the voices in your head
can go on for hours each day
about just how insufficient you are.
but I'd scream from the top of my lungs
just so you could hear the truth:
you are enough.

you have always been more than enough.

it's 11:28 pm, and it's been exactly
two months since you told me
you were going away.
two months since I kissed you,
two months since "I love you".
two months that I've missed you.

and I promised myself that I'd stop writing about you,
because you no longer deserved it.
---
but here I am, a month later, and I still compare
every new person I meet to you;
I still find pieces of you in song lyrics;
I still check my messages hoping that maybe you've changed
(either your mind, or your personality, or both).
here I am, a month later, still writing about you, love.
and I wish I wasn't.
I wish your name didn't make my cheeks turn slightly red;
I wish seeing pictures of you smiling with other people,
better people, didn't make my heart sink a little;
I wish I could convince myself that you're not worth it anymore.
---
we'll see how I'm doing next month.

you were so toxic.
you took everything good that happened to me and
breathed your poison all over it, because you needed
some kind of evidence that you were a dominant figure in my life.

but for whatever reason, I loved you anyways.
and I know you loved me back, in your own twisted way.

that was such a dangerous position for me to be in, because
I was never sure if you wanted to kiss me or **** me;
your mood dictated it all.

regardless- I would've given everything up for you,
because I saw light inside of you,
buried somewhere underneath all the rubble of hurt and anger.
and I was so determined to unearth that light,
that one little piece of you that was proof of you being human.  

darling, I should've started running from the first day.
but you know what they say:
"sometimes the person that you'd take a bullet for
is standing behind the trigger."

I hope that one day in the future, we'll come across each other by chance (or maybe some twisted miracle).
I might have a doctor's appointment to attend, and you might be on your way home from a long day at work, but all of that will become irrelevant.
We'll go to that one hole-in-the-wall coffeshop that's almost a part of our daily routine, even though we're way too young to be addicted to caffeine.
We'll sit and catch up, and it won't be awkward in the slightest bit- it'll feel as though no time had passed at all. It'll seem as though you never had to leave, and take my heart with you.
It won't matter that you broke the promise you made me that one night. I had been vulnerable, and I told you about all the people I lost, and how I couldn't bear to lose you. You held me tight then, and told me not to worry- we'd always be in each other's lives. (I ended up losing you anyways.)
I'll have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming, because I spend so many of my nights lying awake and thinking about finding my way back to you one day, but there you would be, real and tangible and with me again. And God, I'd be so happy. You've always made me so happy.

you're such a precious gem.
I think it's so interesting that we might have lived our entire lives without knowing of each other's existence.
but some things are just meant to work out, I suppose.

this sounds like a love letter
but I promise it's not.

I know we're only internet friends and maybe our friendship would be completely different if we knew each other in real life.

maybe we wouldn't be friends at all.

and I know we're not the closest of people.
we both have our own friends, and other people that enjoy our presence. other people that we can call or text at almost any time of the day when we're upset and need to vent.

but that's alright.
I'm okay with the occasional good morning and good night and "I hope you're doing alright" text messages.

just knowing you're out there, somewhere, living your life and smiling and thinking of me every so often is enough.

and I hope you know that I'm out there, somewhere, doing the same.

*******.
******* for not caring about me half as much as I care about you.
I'm becoming a cliché here,
and I know how much you hate those,
but you're my entire ******* universe.
and it hurts so much every time you choose her over me.
but I realize now that I'm not your priority.
I never was and I never will be.

oh darling. you never really
wanted to die. you just wanted
to silence the voices in your head, and get rid of the hollowness in your chest. you wanted to **** all the pain you were enduring.
it's quite understandable- everyone understands what it's like to suffer (contrary to your belief,
you're not alone.
suffering is a basic part of human existence).
and sometimes, when you get to be in such a bad place, you're not able to remember anything else. all you can see, all you can think about, all you're surrounded by, is misery and sadness and heartache. and dying seems like the only way out of the endless cycle of negativity.
but emotions are a lot like energy- the kind you learn about science. feelings cannot be created nor destroyed,
only transferred.
so even if you finally gathered the courage to commit suicide, your sadness wouldn't disappear. you'd be passing it down to everyone that loved you, and sometimes even people you barely knew. everyone is affected in some way or another.
and while it seems like there are so many reasons to just die, there are
so many things to live for. the world is a beautiful place- humans just make everything complicated for no reason. but there are so many wondrous things that you have yet to experience. there's an entire universe out there- and if you killed yourself now, you'd never get to explore it.
losing you would not only mean losing your body, your soul, and your presence. it would mean losing all the hopes in dreams stored inside of you- both yours, and your parents' wishes for you. we'd be losing so much of the positive- you are not a negative. you have to understand that.
at least one person loves you, and to them, you're everything.
I need you to live, lovely. for me.

"she's a bad friend, just a heads up.
I know she seems really great
and fun and understanding.
she's like that, at first.
she'll be positive and friendly, and you'll feel like you can trust her with your most-prized possession.
you'll want to tell her things, even if you're not a very open person.
she has that effect on people.
after a while, though, she starts to seem rough around the edges.
she'll go through very dramatic
mood swings-
she's a bit like the weather in NYC.
sometimes she'll be cheerful
and she'll laugh at the most
random of things.
those times, she'll be like a fresh spring day, around 72 degrees.
other times, she'll be the most pessimistic person you know. it'll feel like she's draining the positivity right out of you. those times, she'll be like a bitter winter's day, below zero and freezing.
on occasion, she'll change
back and forth between those
two seasons in a day.
it'll get to be very tiring for you,
trying to keep up with her many moods and feelings and attitudes.
you won't really know how
to handle her.
and eventually, it'll feel like she's
not really handling you.
she won't talk to you as often as she used to. she wont know what's happening in your life anymore, and you won't be able to remember the last time she told you about anything happening in hers.
eventually, you'll be the only one putting effort into the relationship.
but you'll continue to see her with other friends, laughing and sharing inside jokes and telling stories.
and it'll be so painful for you, because you're technically
still friends with her- it's not like
you had a fall-out or anything.
things will just be different between you two. she'll be distant, and so will you.
eventually, you'll just stop trying
to talk to her. all you'll do is smile briefly at each other in the hallways, sometimes talk for a few minutes about classes.
and it'll almost seem like you're strangers again.
so if I were you, don't bother with her. find someone worthy of your time and love and affection."

Dear Future Me,
Please don’t forget to love.
It is by loving that we truly live.
Please don’t forget not to keep your heart locked up.
It is feeling everything that makes us human.
Please don't forget to dance.
It is the movement of freedom.
And lastly, please don't forget to smile.
For when you do, the world will smile with you.
Love, Current Me

dear future daughter,
please please make sure
that you are the only person you need
to rely on.
you are going to meet many people that make you feel warm and safe.
the worst thing you could do is rely on these people as your one source of happiness.
it'll be hard, but you need to be your main source of happiness.
you need to be okay with being alone.
people are amazing, but people
are fluid. they change.
at the end of the day, the only person you'll always end up with is yourself.
remember this, please.

If the x-axis represented
the year we met, and
the y-axis represented
the year we stopped talking,
our point of intersection
would most likely be (14,15).
And sometimes, it seems so unfair.
Sometimes I wish
we were parallel lines, and
we never met in the first place.
Other times I wish
our lines coincided, and
we had an infinite number of solutions; an infinite amount of time
to know each other.
But our relationship is beautiful,
too, in it's own way.
We're two lines with
a plethora of things in common, and our lives got to cross
for just a small amount of time.
We got to find each other,
and then drift apart again.
But I'd rather have one point of intersection than none at all.

We both created
such a beautiful mess.
We were like a watercolor painting,
shades of reds and blues
and purples and greens
splattered on a blank canvas.

what if your person is
someone else's, too?
what if they're not yours
at all?

"you like him."
she said it like it was a statement, not a question.
"uh...not really?"
I tried to be nonchalant, convincing.
"you do. I can see it in your eyes.
when you feel like no one's looking,     you look at him
and absorb all his features, and the smallest of smiles appears on your face.
and when he is looking-at you in specific-
your whole face glows. it's like he's the sun,
and you temporarily share all his warmth and light.
it's beautiful."

I wanted to say
"I still love you,"
but somehow those words
got stuck in my throat,
and came out instead as,
"do you care about me anymore?
do you miss me?"

You're my entire universe- all my thoughts revolve around you, the way that the Earth revolves around the Sun. And to you, I'm just another person that you'll soon forget- yet another dying star hovering around in your night sky.

you didn't realize it, but our souls were intertwined. when you hurt, some part inside of me felt that same pain; even more so than you did, because it hurt me to see you hurt. and when you were smiling, my heart filled with warmth and happiness, because I knew how much you deserved that moment of serenity and joy. but when you changed, and disappeared suddenly, all I felt was nothingness because when you left, you took a part of me with you.

Bad days will pass; the sadness will go away. Good days will pass; happiness doesn't last forever. Nothing does.
2. Not everything is worth your time or energy or brain space. Sometimes you need to just let things go.
3. You're not alone. You never were. You are surrounded by people that care about you, and if you don't think so, look closer.
4. Mental health and physical health come before grades and school, always. You need to take care of yourself.
5. The most self-destructive thing you can do would be to place all your love and happiness into someone else's hands, without leaving any for yourself. People are fluid. They change, and one day you might find that they left all your love to wither and die out on the street, with no regard for your feelings.
6. The hardest thing to do is to love yourself. But the hardest thing and the right thing are usually the same.
7.  You never actually wanted to die. You just wanted to start living.
8. It's okay to cry. Contrary to popular belief, crying doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're human.
9. Life is way too short for you to spend it surrounded by people that don't care, or people that make you feel ******. Be with people that fill you with positivity and light; people that are willing to stay up until two in the morning with you because your mind is a mess and you don't trust yourself to be left alone. Be with people that love you with every fiber of their being, and that you love even more than that.
10. You need to remember that once upon a time you were a little child, wide-eyed and curious about the world. You didn't lash out at people, you didn't harm yourself on purpose, you didn't starve yourself just so you could be lovely. And some nights, if your entire mind is attacking every single thing that you've ever done, it helps to pretend that you're that little kid again, because how could you possibly hate the three year old version of yourself? You can't. But you're still that three year old version of yourself. And that five year old version, and that nine year old version, and that eleven year old version, somewhere deep down. And if you can't find one single thing to love about your current self, that's okay. Find something to love about any of the other versions. Anything.
11. The coldest, cruelest people were once as warm and welcoming as the sun. So the next time you’re walking around and you decide that the world is an awful place, look closer. See the people around you as they are when they’re with the person they love. See them as they are when their eyes are lit up and they’re talking or thinking about something that they’re really passionate about. Look past the walls that they’ve built around themselves. The world is not an awful place full of broken people. The world is a beautiful place full of fragile precious people that are lost and wandering but still hopeful. If you look around and see misery, look around again and see what’s hidden behind the misery.
12. You're only here on this Earth for a short period of time. You're born, you go through life, then you die. You were blessed with a little bit of the galaxy in your body and stardust in your veins. So make the most out of every single moment that passes by, because you might not wake up tomorrow.

Days like this
Are days when it hurts just to *******
breathe.
Count to ten.  You can do this.
One, two, three, four
I can't breathe I can't breathe
I can't breathe.
Suffocatingsuffocatingsuffocating
My chest is drowning
Why is my chest drowning?
Shhh, it's okay. Try again.
Ten deep breaths.
Onetwothreefour
Drowningdrowningdrowning
My mind is drowning
I'm clinging to the shore line,
Trying to stay afloat
I can't do this anymore.
Days like this
Are days when it hurts just to *******
speak.
"How are you doing today?"
Come on, you've got this.
Just answer the stupid question.
Shaky breaths.
"I'm- your voice is trembling-okay."
you're not okay
stoplyingstoplyingstoplying.
Days like this
Your mind is attacking you.
Your chest hurts
Your head hurts
Your body hurts
Your heart hurts
Your everything hurts.
But days like this
Are just days.
They will pass.

your head is always in the clouds
floating around, refusing to stay
tethered to the ground
"reality is overrated anyways"
so your mind lives within
the next month, or year,
or decade.
you've created a beautiful life
for your 19 year old self
it spends its days studying abroad;
half the year in Paris,
the other half in Rome.
and your 21 year old self,
it's always traveling
it goes on spontaneous road trips
and sleeps under the stars.
you're so focused
on how your life will be
eventually.
but the future is leaving, my love;
along with the present.

If you accomplished something great today, I am so proud of you
And if you made someone smile today, I am so proud of you
And if you made your parents proud today, I am so proud of you
And if all you did was drag your tired bones out of bed today,
I am so proud of you
And if all you did was force yourself to go through school today,
I am so proud of you
And if all you did was cry and convince yourself not to relapse today, I am so proud of you
And even if you did nothing but breathe and survive today,
I am still so so proud of you.
Keep breathing, keep surviving.

You came into my life
With an entire universe
Caged inside your mind,
Stardust in your veins,
And an energy that radiated off you
Like rays of light from the sun
That I couldn't help but absorb
I guess I just wanted
To thank you
You made me view the world
In a different light and
I'd like to think that I did the same
For you

And suddenly
The voices in my head
Got to be
Just a little too loud
And I learned
What it's like to scream
Without making
A sound

The thing about sadness
Without a cause
Is that you can't do anything about it
Because how can you try to
Fix something
When you don't even know
Which part of it
Is broken?

Be careful
When trying to fix someone
Because once something
B
                r
                             e
    a
                     k
                              s
It can never
Be the same
again