So close yet so far,
that's how it always feels with you.

I'm not what I thought I would be in your life or you in mine, so I settled for the at least "let's be friends", but in the middle of it, without consciously wanting it, I was hoping, waiting for something to happen between us, you know, in a romantic way. I filled my head with the idea that maybe you would realize some time in the near near future, that I was the one you wanted to be with, so I decided to stay, waiting, waiting for you to change your mind about me.

It was really me the one that didn't realize that you didn't want me, at least not the way I wanted to. For a while it was hard to even look at you, the days I didn't get to see you passed by just fine, but just when I thought I was okay, I saw you again and I couldn't help but feel angry or sad. It was hard to see you and just stop feeling what I was feeling.

I see now that things could've been different if I knew from the beginning that the way you treated me was not because of me, but because that's just who you were, who you are. You came in a time when I wanted something from someone, and you were there and I was here and I just thought you could be that person.

It was nice to think for a moment that someone I liked may like me back.

Maybe you needed somebody that was willing to wait for you and maybe I needed someone that wasn't, that couldn't wait to be tightly close to me.

I wish we could be as close as when we say goodbye, I wish I could stay frozen next to you, holding you as if it was the last time I was ever gonna see you. I wish you wouldn't have to go. I wish we were right this second in the same room, not even saying a thing, not even touching, just being together, that close, maybe it would be enough.

If you wait too much time, whatever words you say won't matter anymore because that person didn't hear them when he/she needed to. They won't mean anything.

It's understandable that time may have helped you feel or think different than the way you used to, so the words finally came to you... just don't wait too much to say them, because time will also help that person feel or think different.

We were walking away from the life that once was ours, from the people that were the closest to us, from the places that heard us laugh; the park, the beach, the school, the palm trees, the lemon tree.
To this day, every once in a while I catch myself thinking about how my life would've turned out if I hadn't left each of the places I used to belong. The many lives I could be living.

I don't know if you sat down next to each other in the metro
I don't know if you danced with no space between you two
I don't know if you kissed on top of the Rockefeller
I don't know if you gave her a letter too

I don't know if you held hands
Or if you took a cute picture at the MoMa
I don't know if she laid down next to you and touched you the way I did
I don't know if you kissed her goodbye too

I actually don't know what you two could have done because probably there's things you did that I can't imagine, all I know is what I wish I have done if I was there with you in New York

If you knew it was the last time you would see me, at least for a while, what would you have done different?
Would you hold me tighter?
Would you kiss me properly on the lips?
Would you have stayed a little longer?
Would you have held my hand for the first time?

I tell you what I did, I said goodbye as if I didn't know it was the last time, 'cause I'm looking forward for the next one.

I really really wanted it to be you, I wanted you to be the one that could love me the way I deserve because oh boy how much I liked you. I asked you if there was anything else we could do, but you couldn't think of anything... you couldn't say anything to make me stay because I knew I had to go. It was hard because you weren't doing anything wrong, but neither doing anything right. And it was ******* hard because the part of me that died for you was having trouble accepting the fact that you and I are not gonna happen. I cannot think of you without smiling and crying at the same time, at least for now.
You were what could've been but wasn't, you were the one I hoped one day we'd do roadtrips with your sister and her family, you were the one I hoped would send me flowers, and surprise me with a kiss, and take me to places, and share memories and moments. You were the one I thought I would take with my family on vacation. You were the ******* one I thought we could go swim and walk and talk and fall madly in love. I close my eyes and I see us holding each other so tight and so infinite... I want to remember us in the rooftop watching the sunset, but more than that, I want YOU to remember it. I have to let you go, but please... don't forget me.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry I am not gonna make it to our dinner plans on Saturday. I had something else to do.

I’m sorry I am not gonna make it to the party on Friday. I had something else to do.

I’m sorry I am not gonna make you breakfast on Sunday. I had something else to do.

And what I’m mostly sorry for is I am not gonna be able to kiss you tonight love or the night after that, or the night after that, I had to go and I couldn’t say goodbye.

Maybe you are right,
Maybe I have already chosen you.

Maybe I did since the first time we kissed.
Maybe every time you have comforted me when I cry in front of you.
Or every time I see you smile.
Maybe even before I met you.

But the pending question is,
will you choose me?

I don't know, and it's okay.
Because, what's the point of knowing it all?
There wouldn't be such things as discovery and amazement, and those are some pretty good things about life.

I have walked this street so many times, in heels, in sneakers, at day, at night, when it's beginning to rain, when the sun is shining, when the moon is out. Same destinations, different stories every time. We cry while we sing "I will survive", we run across this very street with feet that didn't feel like feet. The sign was alive! And suddenly we were too. A stranger lit their cigarettes, I saw the french guy from my class but ended meeting another french guy, one I wasn't expecting. Kissing didn't feel like kissing, dancing felt way more than dancing. I suddenly felt like dancing with you, and I don't dance with anybody.

Also j'ai parlé un petit peu de français avec toi.

And life is both terrible and extraordinary,
and you can feel happy and sad at the same time,
and kids can be playing around next to a coffin,
and someone can be leaving this world while someone else is coming to live.

Whenever you feel sad, you feel so tired, you feel like you can't go on, that you're stock, that there's no way out, that your heart broke, remember what has happened to you, the good, the bad, remember the places you've been and also the places you will be one day, remember the people, the ones that left and the ones that stayed, also the ones that are here but not by your side. Remember the sunsets, the flowers, the color, remember that you can never go that way because you just love life too much and the chance to do anything.

Remember the sun rays reaching through the leaves, or the endless palm trees, the feeling when you first jump into the water, swimming in the ocean, the water pouring while you run, while you sing. The feeling of the sun on your skin. The sound of a thousand people singing the same song, the sky full of stars. Remember your mother laughing, your father dancing, your brother, just your brother.

Think that you being here is to get you closer to where you want to be.

And hell, remember yourself, laughing, dancing, singing, making others smile, remember your drawings, your ideas, your discoveries, your photographs, your weird qualities.

I want you to smile again, and this time I know it's for real.

We exist in this space and time, but yet I don't know if we are supposed to go through other spaces and times coincidently.
…
Funny also how we've been in the exact same places but at different times.

What I've learned from moving from place to place is that time goes by fast, you gotta enjoy what you have and who you are with, because things change and who knows what the future holds, an accident can happen or someone could die or even I could die. I don't want to live a life full of "what if's" and regrets, do you? Always keep in mind nothing remains the same.

This is the other letter, the one you're never gonna read, the side B.

First thing I wanna say: I am a sucker for your accent, I felt strongly attracted to you physically but I also liked your writing, your drawings, your sense of humor... you just saw life in a different way than I do.

Meeting you made me realize that I don't want someone that feels like it's there but it isn't, someone that would want not to be seen with me as often because of what people may think. I don't want someone that spends a lot of time in its own head, someone that really doesn't wanna be with me but somehow feels forced or acts on "not to be a bad person".

Meeting you made me angry, and I'm understanding why, I felt like you admired me but you didn't love me the way I wanted to, you didn't love me, period, and also you didn't let me help you, help you with what? To be less isolated, less in a bad mood, less having a bad time, but that was not for me to try and fix.

But what I realized the most, what made me upset & even resentful, was the fact that I felt I didn't put limits, that once again I spent too much time with someone that wasn't what I deserved (or more like it wasn't what I wanted?). That I somehow ended up having expectations of what you would mean to me and what I would mean to you. I knew you weren't thinking about me, writing about me, yet here I was choosing you. And all of this also tells me I should give myself a break for wanting to explore a different type of relationship, because this is my favorite way of learning, by trying it myself.

You are not a bad neither a good person, you're just a person, as I am too, that is living with whatever it's been learning through this 20 something years of existence and we happened to find each other on a rainy day.




P.S. I still keep the memories.

Every once in a while, someone comes to your life and makes you wonder how come you didn't meet sooner, that's you in my life.

You are a very special person to me because you don't doubt twice to share with me the good that's in your life, you make me part of it. What I think you find hard is to share the bad, and sometimes that makes me feel that you don't let me truly be your friend, like I want to be there for you but you don't let me, also makes me wonder if I have been a true friend to you. I love you with my heart, so who could possibly judge someone they love with their heart? With all this I don't mean you have to tell me everything, like we said the other day, we don't even have to talk, we could just exist together.

Not everyone gets to share the music, the singing, the improvised phone calls, the laughs but also the hard times like you and I do.

I can't wait to see how our lives will turn out, hopefully us being happy, not together like in a romantic way or anything, but each of us on our own right way, but always on each others lives.

You gotta see things from another perspective in order to aprecciate what & who you have... to figure out what you want to do, where you want to live & who you wanna be with.

Don't ignore the eager to run away, to experiment, get lost, connect with people, explore places. Escape... Go!
Right now is the perfect time to do things that make you feel complete & joyful because these young years are the best to do so. To choose the life you want to live.

I don't want my life to pass me by without having the chance to actually living it.
It's a scary thought to leave, but it's even scarier to stay in the exact same place where you are no longer happy.

Right now it's hard for me to imagine living another life different than it is now, because it's been like this for 9 years now, but I can't help to have this feeling of me not fitting here anymore, at least not for now.
I want to leave so I can take distance from everyone & everything, so I can see if this is the life I want to be living or it's the life I suddenly found myself living but not choosing.
Don't worry, don't rush into leaving, when you're ready you'll feel it in every bone.

This moment right here is where there's nothing and no one holding me back... it's just me waking up.