When you're alone in your bedroom.
Twiddling the razor in your fingers.
I'll be there, roaming the halls.
And when your sad and your crying.
I'll be there watching.
I'll be there, in your home.
And when your gone I'll be there at your grave.
With the flowers, the red roses.
Was gonna bring white but your blood stained them.
Wish you would've known what you were missing.
Wish you would've known who you were hurting.
Cause now you're gone.
And I can't carry on your legacy.
Cause now you're gone.
And I can't change the gruesome fact.
And now you're gone and you took me down with you.
Bye bye pretty soul.
Forever gone, into the soil.

Have you ever tried to hurt yourself?
Externally no.
Internally, all the time.

i'm angry
i'm upset
inside me there is a fiery pit
i don't know why
i want to be happy
i want to unclench my fists
let go of the anger
stop being so ******
but it's harder than it sounds
to change your persona
i'm angry all the time
maybe i could try to calm down just for a moment
i'm angry at the girl that copies the same format of my poems and gets more likes
i'm angry at the fact that they abandoned me
i'm angry at the world
and it's hard for me
for me to let go of the anger
walk in my shoes for just one day
see how it feels to be mad and have a smug look on your face
i don't mean it intentionally it just comes out
and before i know it i just want to scream and shout
shout at the people for being happy and having a good time outside
shout at the people that are care free and have a better life
shout at all of the things that are better than me
because i'm just an angry person you see
an angry person that will never change
because i don't have the drive and i'm just strange
strange and odd and stupid and angry and mean
maybe some day i'll be clean
be clean of all of the anger and the stuff bottled up inside
what happened to me that made me this way?
that made no one want to stay by my side
i'll go to some anger management
maybe they'll help me and fix me
and help me understand
understand why I am the way that I am

Uncomfortable;
Doors shutting
Pens writing
People telling their symptoms
Purses zipping
People talking trying to comfort each other and make them feel like everything will be okay
Everything will be okay... won't it?
The doctor will fix it surely..
Won't she?
No way of knowing for sure
Just have to wait and see
Guess that's why they call it the waiting room

In some ways I'm as high as a bird.
And in others I'm already 6 feet under.

the lady in red
who lived in my head
used to come to me
and it all started at around age 3
she was sweet and nice and very pleasant
but behind that all she was just a peasant
she was there in all of my times of need
she was strong and blunt and always wanted to protect me
but only I could see her and it was just our little secret you see
she told me 'If you tell anyone that you can see me they'll think you're crazy and take you off to a bad place.'
so I never told anyone so I could continue to see her face
around the time I was 8 she left me alone
'You don't need me anymore you're all grown.'
'You're smart and old in the brain, you can take care of yourself now so I can't stay.'
she was on her way and nothing could stop her
I begged and begged but she was an admonisher
so I let her leave and I never saw her again
the lady in red
she was my best friend

I had so much to say.
But when the pen hit the paper.
All the thoughts went away.
My mind had gone blank.
Just sat in emptiness.
Waiting for the thoughts to come piling back in.

I am fragile, please place upright.
You may hit me if you'd like, yes that would feel nice.
Broken down and glued back together.
Because you don't want to say I'm gone even when I shatter.
I'm sprawled out on the floor and you clean me up.
Because I'm sharp and ragged and leave lots of cuts.
When you look in me I will break.
Because I can't stand to see all of the pain and heartache.
I'm a simile for you and your life.
And all of the bad moments and strife.
I'm sorry it's like this and I hope you can fix it.
Because I don't like seeing me crush your spirit.
Please don't give up on me... please continue to put me back together.
Because without anyone the problem will never get fixed.. ever.

I'm just like a flower.
Except all of my petals have fallen off.
And now I'm just thorns.

When we made love with the record playing.
Our heart beats were in sync.
And the rhythm was sweet.
As we moved to the static of the needle hitting the record.
And we grooved to every chord.
I loved that night and I love that song.
Because you were the right one all along.
The feeling of your body up against mine.
As I traced my fingers up and down your spine.
The record had stopped and the song was over.
But we were so infatuated with each other.
We looked into each others eyes until we drifted off to sleep.
And the next morning you woke up and hopped into your jeep.
I never saw you again, and I wonder why.
For that song was so perfect and that night was so divine.
So I put that record on and listen to it again and again.
And remember the feeling of your hand rubbing my head.
I want you to come back and listen with me.
Oh to that record so soft and so sweet.

nothing i do will ever be good enough for you

I forgive your lies.
Although I'm saddened that I had to see past your disguise.
I forgive your selfishness.
I forgive all of your negligence.
I forgive all the times you made me cry.
I forgive all the times you hurt me deep inside.
I forgive you and I don't want to.
But I still forgive you and all of your ignorance.
So I can move on with my life in bliss.

She was an alcoholic who wanted to go for a swim.
Her kids didn't stop her for they knew she was already dead from within.
She stayed out there from 4 p.m to 10.
And when they found her the water had frozen over her head.
She was a good person, good mother, good friend.
She just had a lot of issues she needed to tend.
She never asked for help because she didn't want it.
For she knew she was better off not on this planet.
And when they broke the ice in the summer to get her body.
Her death had finally become reality.
They held the funeral and everyone cried.
For they lost the woman that once stood by their side.
The woman that they never saw a reason to worry about.
Because they never saw the signs because they weren't loud.
She kept her problems to herself.
Why worry everyone else?
They don't care and it's none of their concern.
She just wishes she could get another turn.
Another turn to change things and make them better.
Maybe take her swim in better weather.

I couldn't keep them bottled up anymore.
But when I told you, you threw them out the door.
And as night turns into day my feelings for you turned from love to hate.

I look up to the sky as I'm on my knees with my hands folded.
''Why Lord? Why have you forsaken me? Why have you let your child suffer? Do you like watching me suffer? Why have you made my life like this?''
Nothing.
Nothing.
Just Nothing.
Silence.
I shed a tear and as it rolls down my cheek and hits my hands I think to myself.
''I'm talking to no one. I'm talking to thin air.
How are we supposed to know if there is a God or if there isn't?''
But then I think.
''Maybe I shouldn't blame him for my life being the way it is. Maybe it's all my fault, after all if there is no God then it would be my fault.''
I get up and walk from the field of flowers to my home.
On my way I keep thinking about it.
''Is he real? If he was real he'd show us a sign, he'd make our lives wonderful, he'd let there be peace in the world and make all things right.''
Then it hits me, some people just use God as a man to put all their troubles onto, ''Dear God, let my financial troubles go away!'', ''Dear God, let a man come into my life!'', ''Dear God, make my life turn around for the better!''

You don't get those things until you try.
We praise the Lord to show him thanks for making our lives better than some, giving us working organs, a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, money, etc.
Not to push all of our unhappiness onto and ask for more.
If you're not pleased with your life then take a stand and change it.
No one can fix it but you.
Life is challenging and hard and at times people think it's not worth it to live anymore.
But you see life is the best gift you could ever get.
Isn't it?
Think about it.

During life you go through many obstacles.
Some of which are where you need to choose between two things.
Left or right?
They call this a crossroads.
You see some people say listen to your heart and it will guide you the right way.
But will it?
Your heart is as cloudy as your mind and if your mind can't choose what makes you think your heart can?
There are so many rights and so many wrongs.
But you won't know if it's wrong until you go down that road and see what's to offer down there.
If all fails put the gear in reverse and go down the other road, if it's not to late that is.

I look down at the gun in my hand, and although it's not a mirror I see a reflection of what I've become.
Why am I sitting here wanting to end my life?
How did I get here?
Why did I let the cruel people in this world push me into the predicament I'm in right now?
I stand up and look in the actual mirror.
''You're okay.'' I say.
I know in my mind that I'm not actually okay, but to hear someone say that I am even if it is myself saying it, it makes me see a glimpse of hope.
The hope that I didn't have 3 minutes earlier when I was holding the gun in my hand.

I'm lost in the corners of my mind, and that's not very pretty.
I want there to be light in there but it's just a cluster of darkness and sadness and memories.
I don't know why I remember the things I do, they just stay there.
Maybe if I clear my mind the light will shine through.
And it won't be so dark and scary.
Can someone help me find the light?

What is skin?
They say it helps protect us.. but from what?
When it is pierced it bleeds endlessly until it's stopped.
Layers of skin and muscle and tissue that is supposed to help us.
But it doesn't... the words get under our skin.. like knives making us bleed.
The words, the actions and the expressions.
Our skin doesn't protect us from anything.

My body may be numb
But my mind is clear
And my soul is free