Woman with the white dress

You look old

And healthy

You're waiting for someone or something outside your door

I saw you for 1 second and thought I'd write about you

Maybe you're waiting for the man you met at the grocery yesterday to pick you up

Too bad he won't be able to get it up

Or maybe you're waiting for your daughter to pick you up for dinner

Or the second coming of Jesus

Or maybe you're just observing the blue sky you've cried to many times

I'm just assuming

Have a great rest of the day

It was good seeing you for one second as I drove by your house

You'll never meet me

And I'll never know if you ever got **** or if you even had a daughter

I love you

I know I ****** up too many times to count on my hands.
This isn't poetry, it's the truth.
There's fiction to most of my poetry just to add a little spark to it.
And I know you wont believe a word I write for you anymore, but as long as I know I mean them, I'll be fine.
I'm done walking the streets with the pride I had, you were my pride.
I just hope we meet again, and start all over once and for all.
Your perfection made me nervous, your smile made me feel so lucky to even be with you, and if you didn't know that, I had to be doing something wrong.
I think I'm done trying to be something I hope to make profit out of.
I think I just want to be yours and to be wrapped in your loyal love.
I wish I could take back everything I made you feel, when from the beginning I wanted to make you feel like the princess that you are.
Your worth can't be defined in my poems even if I wrote about how beautiful you are for a million years.
I want you, maybe I even need you.
I regret making you feel worthless, baby you know your worth cant be defined with all the flattering words in the dictionary.
You saved me from the nights I didn't tell you I felt like ending it, I don't I'd be here if it wasn't for you.
I have 1 dream, and I'm chasing you, hopefully my legs can last.
I will never stop running if it's for you.
So please don't stop me, because I'm trying to stay strong.

You can't pass by and sigh/
The water runs over waters like the *** /dripped down your face/

Haven't ate in 19 hours////

I love the sound of your mind/
Your wind never dies/
When do you not ******* away?/
I can't stay and no I cannot say why/
these eyes begin to cry when I realize what you are to I/
Just know that I am near, so is death/
And love doesn't begin, nor does it end/
We just **** and I put my hand on your face/

The people wonder why we ever came about

Time doesn't come with a why it happens
There's no book to find answers for the reasons we question

Shouldn't we be aware of this?/
That to love is not always bliss/
Sometimes your presence won't mean much to me/
My face aches whenever the vibe is dead/
But the experiences are worth listening to/

The moment fly out of our hands and merge within the books of our existence/
Distance is nothing you say, but I can't bare the idea that you are not there/
A 15 minute car ride is already too much/

And I love you too much

12:51 AM
Planet Earth I think

1/18/2017

Don't make me mad

I'll just repeat that again, like always

Maybe we are now what we're meant to be
I found my passions in a dark hole, I found them when I was someone I hated being
I used to fear losing, now I know sometimes to win you have to lose
Like losing lovers, like getting strong
Like losing feelings, like opening myself to more
Maybe I am all I've been accused for, I acknowledge everything and I'm sorry
But never will I want to be what diseases
I'd rather be what kills the bold
Do tears for people really mean much?
When the clock fast forwards they'll dry
Time wont keep you a still because I'm running with pain, I'm running with regrets, I'm running with happiness
Maybe I'll settle 100 years from now when my loved ones wear all black and stand around me
I fell 10m per second....
I want my wings back

a sirenic void
entrance to detachment

what is there to replace?
when all there is has always been

out the bin with regrettable sin
the walls of boundaries are thin

when all comes to an end
where the **** do I begin?

sashayed into a doom
the corner of my room

a lesson learned with grace
a healthy bitter taste


******* ****


my time I cannot waste
I put the flower on a pedestal and not a vase


sometimes wasted times wasted feeling numb below my waist

copy paste erase **** I rather not face

what's the point?

I don't feel like being at school, at all.

Today is a white screen
  

     with a touch of nothingness.

****

days passing into brand new lights
seeking the days that can’t replaced
Taking out the damage that was laced
Swimming but in a stagnant position

walking out of class to meditate
Thoughts to sedate
Set a date
My death
Serve it on your dinner plate

What’s your reason?
Said that ***** was mine that day you left
I just laugh at how it all came together to destruct
How do we attain certainty in what we say?

Clouds will move away but still the sky remains

Whats enough?
Because I could still remember the worst after 3 blunts
I think I need some more, a few more
Restless nights make me a grumpy man, so I need some more
I had a dream last night, you were laying down beside me and the love that was once there, wasn't there
My memory traveled back a few months back, and I felt the love again
I cant depend on them anymore, no more
You're still nothing but a princess in the kingdom I drew in my head, and that's what you should think of yourself, you really should
My bad thoughts stopped following me, and the trail they were on vanished from behind me, I'm glad it did
I still the think whats the point to things, and then the sun sets and it looks like it's happening right next to the creek I go to, and I see the point to my beliefs, again
I used to look in the mirror and be scared of my own self, I'd fall to my knees and look at myself in the puddle of tears
My reflection was my bestfriend at the time, it told me, "toughen up"
I've toughened up a bit, and the tears are gone
Although sometimes I still look back at what I used to be, I've overcome the shadow that took control of my actions; they weren't good
I realized many things, a teacher doesn't really teach, our school is the world and all of the education we get from everything, is self education
I've seen myself in the words I've written, I now know my image, it's alright...
I've created a bunch of theories to live by and most of them are made from pain
Religion and science doesnt really phase me, they really dont
I think it's because I've never understood the general characteristics of nature that affects the models of Gods relation to nature... I think
Love is a word I've been tangled in for the longest, the meaning has played with my head, I'll never understand much of it, nor will I ever
I've balanced my perspective these past few months, and here I am

I'm in love with her.


The story is being written within the doubts and sureness about eachother.

in the dark i sit
thinking about when i'll just quit
pleasing for the wrong reasons
will make the train of thought to my vision split
(sitting on this chair, alone...aware... of how bad it's been this week)
(weeping for a bit, watching videos.... trying to uplift myself without use of energy)
i feel weird tonight
out of site
everything influences, what do i cite?
laying down my weapon
i don't want to fight
i don't crave acceptance, i don't want to oppose with opinion
(whatever you stand for is nobody's business but yours)
why would you care?
to my self i must declare
to walk and talk in full aware-
ness
feel somewhat a mess
but tomorrow is a new day, i don't think i should stress
clean up my mess
maybe resist the person i pressed
unwanted thought, how does that convert to feeling less?
and everything okay when you get undressed?
i bet you ask yourself when i'll finally be my best?
in the end, it's the love or lead

SN was sitting away from me
We had gotten into a little argument but I knew things were going back to normal after she left
I can't leave an open wound bleed out
People tell me I overdramatize
I just like to see things from that point of view
Helps me write poems
Like this
To reflect

I haven't written seriously for a while

I don't think it was ever that serious, I just didn't know how to express whatever my mind held inside on to another platform
Now there's YouTube

Everything revolves around you Charlie
I miss you so much my precious girl

White fur white fur
Your house I made makes my mind blur
My throat doesn't think
But I think my brain makes it do something
Not sure what
My eyes begin to rain

Your missing is to blame

Death is only scary when you don't accept

When you don't accept, it will hurt

And I'm still hurt


Because I don't want to accept looking out the window believe you're not ******* THERE

AND I GET HEATED BECAUSE THE DOOR WASNT LOCKED
AND I BLAME MYSELF FOR GOING OUT THAT NIGHT AND NOT DOUBLE CHECKING THE DOOR

AND ITS BEEN 5 MONTHS WHERE THE **** ARE YOU

MY BROTHER IS IN THE OTHER ROOM MINDING HIS OWN
HE HAS IT GOING
HIS MIND IS ELSEWHERE
MY LOVE IS IN HER HOME PLAYING HER DS MAYBE
MY MOM IS PROBABLY PRAYING RIGHT NOW

AND HERE I AM AGAIN THINKING ABOUT YOU

ALWAYS
FOREVER

I LOVE YOU CHARLIE

sabrina has her cartoons on
i keep pouring my drink
my phone is off
my laptop is fully charged
these moments are being recorded
the steak is cooking
my mom is sleeping
i miss listening to her sleep when i kiss her goodnight

i wake up to the sound of nothing
i turn around and look at sabrina
i look at the ceiling and contemplate the day
i walk to the restroom, the mirror tells the outcome

i live the day, and cook for sabrina

my darling

i'll satisfy your stomach

and your mind

my darling

you're watching cartoons

i love you dearly

this moment, until my body shuts down

If you only knew.

wake up, alone

nothing to lose like everything ever owned before truth

(when you first loved, it turned me into stone)

                           (be carelessly in love)
let your "self" fall into the pits of the unknown

(can't title what I feel, but what's worth trying to understand the limitless)

My soul is split for you
Your hands carry my fortune that I wouldn't have without your grasp
I give you all
but you can;t give me answer
The effort is wasted when you leave without talking to me


the clock keeps going


I forget you even know how to talk

I'll be sorry about this, but it's what I "truly" feel right now

The truth lies in the seconds you can't count
The mind races, but you can't measure it in the track

I'm just typing what I feel, not what I am

but do my thoughts create me?

We control this moment, why can't you feel my effort?
I feel like you're testing my love

but you're only cutting the cord to our love

It hurts knowing you're capable, but thinking you're useless

what is it with men and women//
i can't seem to wrap my head around concepts meant for a specific gender//
(the wine is fine and a 5 turns into a dime)
keep my head straight//
typing in my room, it's like 8//
down it and contemplate//
tonight my fingers are dancing//
can't regret anymore//
can't think less of myself, because it's an expense I'll resent//
there's no one to impress//
no girls to undress//
no worries to prevent, because in the moment I'm prepared//
for everything that depressed me//

MUUUUst write

because the moment has letters that I can turn into delight  

I have 18 tabs open right now
But sometimes I want to get out and take 18 tabs

then say Hi to Terence Mckenna

the water has boiled, the noodles are settling//
the music is going//
my cup is filled//
my thirst is quenched//
dinner is in the making//
i check on the noodles//
walking back to my computer i start to develop different ways to portray my ideas//
i'm one mouse click away from manifesting something that generated from the questionable//
sometimes i don't understand the reasons things work the way they do, but it makes so much sense//
the possibilities are endless, but there's only one sensical way//
there's also dramatic ways to portray the simple, but these days anything is possible//
i'm listening to coral wonder by george fenton, i'm looking at my fingers type//
how did i develop the coordination to type this?//
everything really is a practice.... just imagine exchanging the doing of texting into learning the violing and maybe even// becoming the worlds greatest player//
then again, that's a lot of texting.... a lot of practice//
i don't think communication is meant to be a tiring thing, i think that's why people text like crazy//
whatever though//
is it weird to miss someone who died before you were born?//
i feel that way about john lennon and charles bukowski....//
i want to live to see the day when i can see their motives reflecting on me//
i can't wrap my head around how much expression they have generated from within....//


i can't wait to live tomorrow//

Try to stay away
Silence I can’t remain
Forget the language we created
The moments ever lasted
When you cross my mind, why don’t you say hi?
Carry on
Even in the cold
Head held bold
Even buried under a million stones
I shall shine through the cracks
Daily tunes
Tormenting blues
(Lots to feel) Covered in different shades of hue
But only feel blue

it's too early and too late

the blood dries, you have more

the story continues with every breath

walk along the depths of your mind to discover that losing someone other than yourself is probably best

(sorry to the girls I've made feel miserable)

(hate me for now, not forever)

the tears stop at your cheeks, not at your death

there's tissues right at your fingertips

my youth
            ending very soon
sinking in my head

  seeing through a tube

(let go)

with nothing to lose
your soul
beaten and bruised
you wander with no clue

I examine all your shades of hue
you
see me as a fool
but darling of HIS, I'm just way too cool

If you want to see chaos watch tv

looked into your eyes//
and saw the lie that disguised your lows with the highs//
tried to work it out, but just didn't feel it like soggy fries//

(the boy that tries, buys his way out the prize)

none of my beliefs give rise to an unknown man in your sky//

there's more out there that defies all that we cease to know according to the wise that asked "why?" when his hope had dried//

(between her thighs I gormandize)

indulge until my tongue needs to be sanitized//
no ***** talk, I don't mean to patronize//

looks into hand
(how do I begin to identify?)

"watch your ego"

so I looked further within
only to find what everything has ever been
   (sub atomically)

reading a screen to avoid a scene in this reality I don't want to see

when I question myself I think of my hand digging down my throat until I feel my spleen

(wicked me)

but should I not voice internal imagery?

time is eroding my current self

(melting face)

laces I cannot lace
the shoe doesn't fit so this experience I can't embrace
accepting universal truths I can't even begin to trace in space

(out of here)
I miss you my dear

drunk and high so drag me by the ear... until it rips from my head so I know you didn't let go

(please don't let me go)

even if my body is cut in pieces

keep me in a box

(but I wasn't drunk and high)

I can't compare
But I will anyway
Individuality
To me
A state of being without anything afflicting the current "self"
I can't even say self without feeling wrong

But there is self all over my room

Self there self here

Self within

Self.... everywhere

theres a possibility her emotions are reflections of the city lights she loves so much
the music she listens to is contradictory to what she listens to without headphones
through crowded streets, she just wants to hear someone tell her to not give up with a guitar lead behind that voice
she loves coffee because she's sick of despite
she sweetens up her bitter self with caffè americano
there's a slight chance that being in love at a young could be true and pure
not under my silk sheets for that matter though
she lays her head on pillows that feel like her breast on which I lay my head on
they say the body likes the warmth of sheets in the blistering cold mornings while waking up
when really the sheets cant stand her body not being wrapped in them
i think its safe to say that shes the atmosphere in my world that keeps the bad things from breaking in my broken nice gestures
i think without precaution i can say that ******* is the weakest of addictions in my world that shes in
and her voice I love to listen to is are injections that cure from things I dont want to hear
the taste of her lips take away my dehydrated mouth with taste that fills my buds and fills my heartless body with hearty hearts

Like working out
I have to read more to get my mental juices flowing
Language is weird
Not linear
I couldn't see my past so I had to fly out the atmosphere
Imagination
Imagine, my death is near
The roses have risen but time finds its way until the end
Nothing beats a teens ambition to fit in like a trend
and LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE
it ALL gets boring

\this got really borning my fineghsr are;nt even toucing the right lettersss anymore  amshhaha

How do I seek truth when I can't see beyond the moon
How do I wonder so far when I can touch my head
Inside I wonder with no disguise
Because I don't fear what comes in my day
Accepted a wound to the heart, so I could accept pain everyday
Losing you, like vapor coming from the pax
There you lie, without the soul

Can't even blow

out here, within
catch a glimpse
(my tongue on your skin)
thinking of me or thinking of him?
as long as you're pleased, don't matter what you


          (think)

patterns
i notice them in my experience
i notice
the postivies
the negatives
what drives me crazy
what i should ****
who i should care for

the things that fall out of my memory
what i should remember

what peace is

how to be aware of pain without acting

my love... for whatever happens

my hate... for nothing that doesnt make sense

Lullaby playing
I can only think things I shouldn't be saying
Like the loss of you that is driving me insane
Alone in the room that was meant for me and you
Never been so distanced from the truth
It was you, the one that made it seem like this experience was eternal youth

(troubled, will you be back soon?)

.....it's this moment that I wish I was immune from this doom that said I couldn't make it past the afternoon

I'm here now

1:30 pm.... a little bit passed afternoon

races to be won, races to be lost
emotions to be felt
emotions to learn and observe
moments take over
the storm will never be over
as long as i remain aware, of the pain inflicted
by myself, decisions with cause and effect
feelings that were acted on out of neglect
we argue and we both become suspect
to our eyes, we cannot lie
for i know, the layers inside your mind
and you know mine
this morning was fine, far from good
last night made my thought process shook
asking how i define
this love that don't resemble confine
i wrote a good *** poem earlier
and it got deleted
it was time to practice
let go of the moments that threaten your being
that threaten the ties you've created to be this way
we fight until we ask ourselves what's the subject?
blurry memories, sit and reflect
to live a blurr, no mind to retrospect
moments that were delivered to my reality
moments that caused pain
derive from the unconscious
i'm aware of this, letting it happen is a burden sometimes
how do i not let it, when sometimes it only "feels" right?
how does it "feel" right to feel anger?
****
i'm still walking on a rope
but can't balance my"Self"

awareness applied
to live, to die and feel love for what's outside
live for this
for questions
for explorations
within


i have work at 11

the coffee has been brewed, but i'll let it sit and write this poem

i wonder what the people have to say today
they walk in, give us business, give us *******
who do i believe, who do i trust?
i guess i have to see beyond it, beyond that...
beyond what they think and say
how are they when they're away?
they look empty, what kind of soul? what kind of formulae
to your disarray???

i'm kind of excited....

to live today

haha....
we still on bad terms but like i have to continue to live breh...

this writing was interesting...

to oversee

to "feel" neglect on some kind of truth

the one that makes you go crazy

whatever it is

it's beautiful with you

but i shook hands with an end i couldn't accept

on to the next i guess

i can't bare with the unknown regarding you



another sip
to numb my lips




imagining the possiblity of us

desiring trust from myself

can't dwell in the hell i've created for my health

living to overcome the previous days

a transit to a better tomorrow

a mentality to try and follow

for no reason but satisfation with ones self

why would i ever want to satisfy my "SELF"?

"i" shouldn't need you, this longing is at war with my being

Now I know//
to move on from what it all used to mean//
the change of mind was a sudden switch of scenes//
never told me what I was, a narcissist that couldn’t see//
ever told you how I felt? there was nothing in between//

no matter what you do//
no matter what I do//
can’t forget about us two//
will stand up and yell the truth//
the only one in view//
but one I cannot reach//
I just sit and think in blue//
thoughts I can’t pursue//
they only make me feel bad for all the **** I *******//

the end of our romance//
periods of time to enhance//
I gave “me” a second chance//