I feel numb. That's the word to describe how I feel. Numb. I'm trying to trace back to a time I cried from laughter. I’m stumbling upon times I soaked myself in tears mourning the broken parts of me.
I can’t feel my smile. I can’t feel my lips forming a smile. I can’t feel my cheeks hurting from smiling. Nor can I feel the love I once so proudly possessed. I feel alone in a world full of billions, I feel my self-hatred nibbling at my skin burning away the decent parts of me reminding me I will never be loved the same way I love.
My body is cold from a winter that’s never left. My body has permanently resided in this season. My soul feels frozen it’s worked it’s way up to my body in its entirety freezing the parts of me that were once warm. Now every ounce of warmth is replaced with reality. The bittersweet truth. That this is me. A mess.
I had a heart that would fit everyone in. Now I can barely let myself through the front door. I can’t trust I mean I betray my own skin. For the love of god, I need help.
a fraction of whats on my mind
I never quite got to say thank you.
Thank you for saving me when I couldn’t save myself.
Thank you for making me feel loved when I thought it was impossible.
Thank you for making me feel at home in your presence when I felt so out of place and lost everywhere else.
I owe you my life - literally.
maybe we aren't fundamentally weak
but we just have a small fraction of a moment when we're weak
and in that moment, we lay in bed too sad to move a limb or we simply do not want to see the world beyond our front door
this is ok
we are not weak to the core we are weak in the moment
we are not fundamentally weak we are fundamentally human
how do they have the audacity to tell us we're too demanding
when all we want
when all we ask for is the same love we give to be returned
if all you ask for is love - it's never too much
if insecurity was a religion people would follow nothing else
if self doubt was a political party people would vote for no one else
if depression was a country people would feel at home nowhere else
this is us by default - we didn't choose this
I've become so needy for approval since you left
I need someone to tell me I'm worthy
I'm doing fine
Most of all I need to believe it
I need to accept it
Accept it's not coming from you but it's still just as true.
i hope today is the day your smile is genuine
i hope today you appreciate yourself and your efforts
that smile of yours is wealth to the poor
and medicine to the sick
if you try hard enough maybe your smile will be permanent
self love is the most important love of all.
how can I tell him
tell him he's been living in my mind since the last time we spoke
I left but I wanted it back as soon as he walked away - the regret didn't overpower my pride and I guess thats how I know my families blood runs through me - we ruin relationships and our egos prevent us from making up sooner
I've learnt you can't walk back into someone's life expecting your space to still be there, and that's what hurts the most.
an excerpt of a story I'll never write
never walk away from something that makes you happy.
you could hear my heart singing with laughter everytime you complimented my smile or how my eyes lit up when I was passionate about something
we sat next to eachother so close, if you listened carefully you could hear the echo of my heart beat
we gazed ahead talking about our dreams that always included one another
shame the dreams shattered as we broke one another
the idea of breaking one another and calling it love baffles me
— The End —