I close my curtains once the sun comes up
I ignore the light and keep myself closed off.
I'm sick of the brightness when I'm in such
a dark place
Does no one understand, they should go away?
The darkness is soothing, but also leaves me
with a wanting; some special kind of craving
it nags at me even when I'm safely sleeping
Which should be a place where it leaves me
but sadly there is no such place
**It always finds me.

I used to long for your arms around me
now all I long for is paper to place poetry
that I've written about you and nothings
that I wish would become somethings.
But that's somehow too much to ask for
I suppose it's more than I can really afford,
a longing for you.

Misunderstandings
can be such a threat.
Broken hearted girl
why'd you think like that?
Now your tears will overflow
"Life can be such overdose.."
You should shove it
all behind you, I suppose.
Stop wishing to fall into a
comatose.
Just hit your head already.
No one will miss you
you're too unsteady.

Losing people,
for me,
is a constant cycle.
No one ever sticks
I never knew it'd
end like this.

There's a hole in my ceiling
the roof caved in a bit
There's a hole in my ceiling
dust keeps falling in
There's a hole in my ceiling
I have to turn off my fan
There's a hole in my ceiling
I wish there wasn't
There's a hole in my ceiling
here's where it gets personal
There's a hole in my ceiling
it was definetly not optional
There's a hole in my ceiling
maybe it's telling me something
There's a hole in my ceiling
what if it had fell in on me?
There's a hole in my ceiling
and it's got me thinking
There's a hole in my ceiling
bigger than the one in my heart
There's a hole in my ceiling.
where's the button? I need to restart...

You could find someone better, trust me I'm someone who hides their feelings beneath their sweaters I'm a distanced person who spaces out even in the moments that are most important. My anxiety keeps me from saying the things that I want to blurt out so badly but cannot because of the words that others will slap down on me. Trust me I'm not someone to stand beside. Toxicity engulfs me often I'm barely pushing through this sticky path that was created out of hate my anxiety is always entertained do you not understand the pain that these people have caused me to feel!?
Insane.
I always thought I was, because my thoughts often turned from happy to horrific once something bad had been said, well what did you expect?! For me to be perfectly happy afterwords and forgive you as if you had never meant the words that twisted and slurred around in my mind, ******* it's about time you learned your place bullying is not something that can be accepted so easily so stop doing it for ***** sake I cannot begin to describe the way I hated myself for so long! I'm damaged even now from back then and it's been so long! I know you don't give not one single ****. It's depressing really, how empty I had and have felt because of you..
Let me try to define this kind of pain for you since I know you'd never be able to handle the things that went through my mind after what you had caused me to feel. You see I have always been trapped inside of a shell, even when I was very young I was shy but you made it a point to deny it's all in my mind you said to me a billion times but did you know that I was dreaming of dying, drowning, suffocating, nearly injuring myself as the tears would fall down. I was a suicidal case thanks to the things people had forced me to endure you thought it was funny but would you still if you knew how violent I had become towards myself?!
Just try to imagine now, you have a child and will probably have more what will you say to them when they come rushing in through the door, their angering tears slapping down against the floorboards as if they were raindrops will you let them know you were not a victim!? I bet you will lie and tell them something to confide in I hope for their sake you do because if I knew that my parents caused others to feel such ways well ******* I bet I'd have went insane knowing I was living in the same house as a perpetrator. *How could you do that, mother!?

You didn't see me watching you
from above.
I was hidden from your view.
there wasn't much space between us..
Just a staircase, a living room and
a large window pane.

Through the reflective glass,
With grand mountains looming behind,
a splendid horizon
and the afternoon sun's gentle glow,
I watched as you spoke kindly to my father.

Unaware of my eyes on you
your mouth moved softly,
and words were silenced
by the space between us.
Suddenly I was overwhelmed with feeling..
a deep and warm satisfaction rose
up in me,
perched there in my safe spot,
realizing that I can still care for you.

You with that charming smile
and charismatic presence.
Cool, calm, and collected
in that moment.
Not wild and beastly
Or ragingly mad
Like, to my grave dismay,
you sometimes are..

I savored that moment!
Knowing full well
that, like all moments,
It wouldn't last.
Realizing that love is,
above all ,
forgiving.
that you are still attractive to me,
that I can still love you deeply...

from a  beautiful distance.

                  ----

Some people are of God,
The thinning of their sole, torn shoes and worn clothes tell the tale only hearts of God hear. How blessed, for their treasure lies within, no fear of loss, no fear of pain because the glacier of faith they carry within is too magnificent to be beautified, yet too fearsome to let any fear linger around the edges.
Everyone of us is a keeper of that glacier. It's only, that the burns sometimes melt the forted edges of  iceberg of faith. But the keeper knows exactly when it happens, and when it can happen. And do we not sometimes melt and do we not always gather our blistering crystals, do we not bear the burns on our palms and yet we stand strongest after the burning waves of fate pass on? It melts, it smoothes, it shapes and after all the carvings in the keeper's castle, makes him even more majestic.

Sacrifice of desires, sacrifice of wealth, sacrifice of social status, sacrifice of relations, sacrifice of inanimate belongings, Would the sacrifice be sacrifice to become of God?
And your mind wanders and fetches bits of pain you felt when you made that one small sacrifice and answers "Yes" if sacrifice is pain, there would be pain to become of God.
Your soul replies, "To bear that pain you need to experience pain, to experience pain, you need to sacrifice. Pain births the strongest. Be of pain, be of God"
Choose the road of cobble stones, and you would walk alone.
Choose the road of thorns to reach God,
You would walk with God.