beats droning so loud i can't hear my own laughter
i shake my head to myself
"how can it be this good?"
i just want to play all night
our skeletons will dance together

saucer eyes
desperate tries
under eyelash spies
the melody flies
my skin fries
why?

air caresses me so gently unlike no lover has ever
the marijuana grabs me by the waist and rests her weary head on my *******
hush
shhhh
i'm here
never cry again
the earth and I dream together
pressing his solar spine into my solar plexus
i always preferred being the little spoon

i cradle you because i love you
i expect nothing in return because i love you
the universe created a masterpiece birthing you

long strands of raven black hair brush against my lips
my thumbs create crescent moons on a porcelain cheek
blushing brow and lips
tiny, painted fingers curling forward and back
heat traveling down an hour glass waist
we're on fire, girl

today you held my hand when i walked you to your train
your crooked teeth were concealed by cherry lips
the tea we drank and the nonverbal prose we spoke in
it was indescribable
we made love as I sat on your lap
with legs crossed
skin to skin
torso to torso
we swung in circles until we got dizzy
and then we laughed again
catching your blue eyes surveying my apple-white skin
smiling like a little boy
wearing my clothes as if they were your own
i don't want this feeling to end
because you make me feel wanted

i'm broken
you took the batteries out of my back
and i'm run down
and tired
i just need my batteries back

blaze blazed
something about the blades
they have cut me so deep
you have cut me so deep
but i can't feel the blade
or the blood
because of the blaze

you'll never see me hop for you again

kiss and tell
i can see her looking back
at you
you really don't care
funk
hiding from the uppers
sharing our high
i don't want you anymore
but the nostalgia
sometimes
feels like
we were good people
once

amsterdam. tension. relief. release. accent. bowl. swig. bowl. bowl. reverend. mole. alley. fifth beer. bowl. sixth beer. blur. catching up. *** standing up. normalcy. hiding. secrets. bowl. friends. family. couch. spinning. smiling. exit. diner. bathroom floor. steam. bowl. her legs. beautiful. her teeth. beautiful. it hurts. keep going. sleep. sweat. 8 am. warm wind. splitting headache. packing. bowl. relief. amsterdam.

pale face
empty space
your ghost is gone from this tiny place
the weight begs
between my legs
your smell remains
across the plains
of the table where you left your pain
now i'm on my own
all alone
moan
groan
here
alone

I'm not one who pours myself out and then disappears when I get bored after a few months and moves on so quickly to the next.

You were.

That was our major difference.

we beat on and travel
you can't keep something that hates your presence
actions exalt billions of times louder than empty words with zero eye contact

joining haunts and skeletons you assured me were nonexistent
i saw them following you from the moment we met
they are holding you down and you can't expect me to cherish them
rubbing the dirt of your past, present, and future into my eyes
but again, promising there's nothing attached to you below
dancing to thought of your new idol-ship
when there's no one around to bow down and twinkle for you

what are you so ******* afraid of?
i smirk to myself, finally seeing through the foggy glass from body heat
you've misinterpreted every lilt of my voice
mistaking me for a lamb
But I'm a lion
strong, proud, and independent
my lust has been mistaken for desperate love
your ego is beginning to make your shoulders slump
attributing every word i put down as a proclamation for you

i'm sure you, and you, think this, along with all the others, are about "how much I need you."
They're about everyone.
I don't need you. I want you. Wanted?
I don't need anyone.
No one can have me like I got me.

not everything I write is about you.

I want go back to that rock with you and hold hands silently as we marvel at the zodiac signs that match our tattoos, Cancer and Scorpio

thank you for peeling away my skin
my juices are flowing and i feel wet and sticky
lick me
get down on your knees
hands behind your back
close your eyes
melting

I.
communicating through the nebula
an invitation to drink ***** and knit
meditation surrounded you
my jaw dropped when your satchel did
II.
sweat drips from a broken refrigerator
my mouth forms the shape of your name and flows out
rings through our noses
sternums touching
your lover didn't like that I bit your lip
III.
after hours slithering sessions
a body built by god covered with satin and oils from the cosmos
in those futile moments you were a mistake worth making
IV.
protecting my heart like bird and her young
reaching out to me with clasping hands
rocking you to sleep
"don't be afraid to cry in front of me" I said as shimmering oceans expelled from your wooden pupils
V.
These were the good times we have to remember

i know now why i'm up this early
i'm starting to forget the names of your family members
what were they?
i see four faces along with yours
but letters begin to fade
i can't tell if this is a step forward or back

two octobers ago seems like two months ago
a broken nose to match my heart
running through a sea of people trying to find you
you must've been hiding

do you ever think of me?
i can still hear your voice ringing through my head like church bells
the taste of you still sits on my tongue and refuses to wash away
i don't like it anymore

my hurt turned to anger
my anger to sadness
my sadness to guilt
my guilt to acceptance
and now i suppose
acceptance to disappearance

you still exist in my early morning thoughts before I've left my bed
in the middle of the night when i wake up saying your name, which i have over and over and found myself panicked screaming a year after you left

how has two years flown by and you still weigh something?

i want tea and toast with jam
i want a warm body wrapped around me like a sweater
i want a full pipe and stomach
i want the sun to stay nestled behind the clouds
i want to sleep and not worry about seeing your face in my dreams
i want to wake up to a text from a lover
i want my heart to stop aching for people i can't have
i want the nausea to cease
i want to wake up feeling healthy
i want the moon in my bed

the reason why i'm up
couldn't tell you
maybe it was the endless hours of you clomping around my brain
during the hours i need rest from your tyrannical hold on my heart
god
i can't help wondering where you are
and who is keeping you warm this season
do your fingers catch on fire when you touch them?
the way they would with me, or at least that was what you told me
another lie to add to that list of nothings i thought were somethings
do you dream about me?
i do hope that at least they give you space
because i sure couldn't
i'm a criminal for loving you
you handcuffed me to the wall because you want me to look but not touch
feel but not expel
i'm letting you win
the pieces are getting too heavy and my arms are getting tired

quantum intimacy was always my breakfast
only now do I understand
many masks all unique in texture and shape
when we're young we learn how to play on swings
as adults
we all know the up swing
only the lucky ones can pump us back and forth
up down
up down
up down
(god that sounds familiar)
(like a cheap wire spring mattress on a tuesday night when you promise I'm the only one and my body melts in your palm)
cards are kept at the holders eye
you never let me know whats up your sleeve
so why should I show you the gold I have hidden?

something about the cold drew me to you
the temperature of your bedroom kept me there
"i always liked the cold" you'd say
i wondered why
now I know it's because you craved inseparable proximity
you required love that i couldn't give, though i wanted to so desperately

you turned me into ice
because as soon as you made me melt
i cracked
and ran

she creates moments in her head
a rush of panic
heart pounds so hard
oxygen faults
where is it?
um
um
oh
wait
****
fists clench and quads ache
i do this to myself
to stay alive?
no
I don't know

I.
one almond shaped eye
jutting ribs
the motor keeps running fast
bus skimming skin
so so close
aqua fronts and white lettering
dead flowers everywhere
our eyes are just melting out of our skulls
the raindrops are so consistent
remember dew drops and the warmth of summer?
i do

II.
time was lost in beige
wheels spinning and bumping and squealing
what does your handwriting look like?
one sentence keeps wanting to tattoo itself in my cerebellum
disease and chaos are so close
like skin on bones and lips on teeth
an injury that won't seem to heal quickly
minds that converge like magnetics
i ultimately found solace in your warm skin

III.
why can't I remember any of it?
cold air hits my face like a slap from above
crowns crash so loudly when they hit marble floor
your lungs are black and full of worms
you never metamorphosed
it's better that way

IV.
my lips inflate as my heart sinks
black gets blacker and white gets whiter
tan stays tan, it is the Earth and we are the Earth
scratchy voices and a hundred expletives
your hands on my *******
god I can't even look you in the eye you're so stunning
ink on ink
brewing cauldrons and sipping spells
nothing has been the same since our lips touched

it goes from black and white to color so quickly
pulsating
over and over
socked toes curling back
knees quaking
delicious
head floats over neck
vertebrae crack
yum

"I still have your books. Do you want to grab them and maybe get tea with me?"
Nov. 1st 2013

"I'm so sorry for bothering you last night."
Nov. 25th 2013

"You are killing me. I ******* hate that we can't talk."
Dec. 19th 2013

"I saw that you've been listening to Tom Waits' "Small Change" I hope you think about me when you listen to it."
Jan. 21st 2014

"God, do you know how ******* happy I am that we are getting back together?"
Feb. 10th 2014

"Please don't let this be the last time we talk. I can't lose you again."
Feb. 14th 2014

"Wow dude. You are ****** up. Your friends told me everything you've been doing."
Feb. 15th 2014

"You have no idea how much it means to me that you texted me about graduating. I was thinking about you during the entire ceremony and wished you were there to meet my parents."
May 16th 2014

"I wish you were here. It's my birthday."
July 12th 2014

"Happy Birthday. I remember last year when we went out with your family and it was so much fun. I love your family so much."
August 29th 2014

"I'm finally letting you go. I'm laying down the weight of you. I still love you, but I finally realize that I will never get to see you again or hear your voice. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it. Maybe one day we'll be able to talk but I'm not going to be hopeful about it anymore. I hope your dog is okay."
Oct. 23 2014

I.

We exchanged sterling rings beneath a massive willow that wept for us as we carved our names into her and mutilated the thick skin of her base.

II.

You smelled like oak and patchouli and I smelled like gratuitous humility to be wrapping myself up around you like silver paper on a precious stone.

III.

You wore white and I wore black to match our deepest energies that whirl and dance and create beautiful creamy grey when we make love.

IV.

Under twinkling, tiny lights that looked like stars or fairies we linked pinkies amongst the dwindling sun light and an anxious moon.

V.

Our bodies begin to melt and disintegrate because the sparks are becoming too electrified and molten.

tie a rope around me, love
you’ve made me feel so high
that my feet might leave the ground
but don’t worry
i won’t fly away

I.

Two lost birds searching for a warm nest in
the dead, wet winter through crystalline castles of
grey and black snow.

II.

Quilted blankets on the ground covered all the broken glass as we
listened to old music and pretended that
we weren’t smiling so much.

III.

I have splinters on my hands and legs from the bench on
the huge rock on the mountain where
we first kissed.

IV.

The juniper trees are still as green as the day you
fell asleep in my lap during
the thunder storm.

V.

You wrote your name with your tongue on
my neck that’s covered with bruises and
is white like the snow that never came.

I.

A chance meeting in an abandoned place led to
weekly discussions and shy smiles neither of us
wanted the other to see

II.

You clung to me closer than a wet t-shirt and
became my shadow, always at my feet.

III.

A long time away from home in a mysterious
metropolis gave you my cold, hard message without
directly placing the dagger in your center.

IV.

How could I have not noticed how
beautiful you are? How
could I not keep you? How?

i spend most nights at your house
we wake up every morning
the same buzzing ringing in my ears
it seems to come from the same place
but not a familiar place
and when you don’t answer it
we all understand
it’s just not time yet
it’s not time to make decisions like that
it’s not time to grow up.

i want to get high with you

no no

no

i want you to be my high

i want to take you in, hold you in my lungs until i turn blue

and then finally i breathe you out

every piece of you sparkling as your arms pull me down

forcing my eyes closed because i’ve never felt this good before

my limbs melt and your skin brushes against every inch of skin causing it to erupt

i hear every layer of your voice, humming some unrecognizable tune that i know i had heard once before

and that nostalgia lifts me up

i try to reach up to you, but you are just out of my grasp

and i laugh

because i know that i can never touch you

but i can have this feeling whenever i want

Your roommates are the best people I've ever met and it makes me so sad that I can't play card games or hug them anymore.
2. My taste in music is so much better now because of you.
3. How did I not drink in every prolonged glance you shared with me?
4. I can't listen to Deer Tick anymore because it makes me miss your arms around me at their concert.
5. Your mom is so much cooler than my mom.
6. I felt smarter when I was with you.
7. We should've eaten more.
8. You were right to be angry when I was too tired to go out.
9. The scent of your stomach haunts me.
10. Easter will never be as special as the day I spent with your family.

you are a liar
stop pretending that you care
it's making me sick

I dream about you every night
Baby
Love
I remember the way your unshaven cheek used to hurt my chin
We would kiss so deeply that it felt like we are fused
Your name rings through my head at 3 am when I wake up sweating
God
You are such a beautiful ghost now
Thank you for remaining in my dreams
At least you didn't abandon me there
My tongue is still poisoned by moaning your name over and over
Oh love
I wish it was two years ago and you still found me magical
Nothing measures up to us
Wherever you are though
God
I hope you're happy
You were so beautiful when you smiled
I try not to miss you
It's hard when no one cares
You were the hero I wanted
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize
Wasting my emotions on empty vessels
On ones who don't appreciate my love
You were then, now, and enternity.
Please don't stop visiting my dreams.
We get along well in there.

every word you write is not for me and never will be
unfortunately
i'm not stupid

i drank 12 beers yesterday and still remembered your street name
- no one can love me how i love them
- the last meal i ate was three days ago, it was soup
- i woke up with your name on my lips
- 23 years have gone by and I still won't clean my room
- crying in front of you is my worst nightmare
- ******* is keeping me from destroying everything
- "you look like a poem when you cry"
- i think about having *** with you when i'm at work
- red wine puts things into perspective
- i'm sorry but i don't believe a ******* word you say
- music is a form of escapism
- i apologize way too much for my own good

i'm sorry that i'm not good enough
i'm sorry that you don't think of me first thing when you wake up
i'm sorry that i wasted your time
i'm sorry that i embarrass myself for loving you
i'm sorry for thinking that my poetry is any good, it's not.
i'm sorry for spending so much money traveling
i'm sorry for thinking that you loved me
i'm sorry for scaring you
i'm sorry for drinking all your tea
i'm sorry that you look away when we have ***
i'm sorry for pulling your hair.
i'm sorry that i get jealous of your blatant apathy
i'm sorry that i cry when i come to terms that i'm not your #1
i'm sorry for rambling on about how much i care for you
i'm sorry for dreaming about you
i'm sorry that you don't think i'm worth it
i'm sorry that you ignore me
i'm sorry for trying too hard to make you care
i'm sorry for smiling like an idiot when i wake up to texts from you
i'm sorry for ranting and raving about how wonderful i thought you were
i'm sorry for giving you a second, third, fourth, fifth thought
i'm sorry that my head is littered with you
i'm sorry that you can drive all the way up for someone else and not me
i'm sorry that i cried in front of you
i'm sorry that i showed any kind of emotion to you
i'm sorry for saying 'sorry' too much
i'm sorry that we've spent hours talking and I still know nothing
i'm sorry that i sleep too much and miss you
i'm sorry that i want you at 4 am when I can't sleep
i'm sorry that i think about ******* you when i'm at work
i'm sorry for sweating on your sheets
i'm sorry for taking up too much space
i'm sorry for thinking you were forever
i'm sorry for using you as inspiration
i'm sorry for spending too much time waiting
i'm sorry for impatient train rides
i'm sorry for not smiling enough
i'm sorry for asking too many questions
i'm sorry for the blow jobs
i'm sorry for moving around too much when i sleep
i'm sorry for having too much to say
i'm sorry for not having anything to say during dinner
i'm sorry for not eating enough
i'm sorry for wasting money on things that make us distant
i'm sorry for even thinking we are close to begin with
i'm sorry that i hate seeing you with another women
i'm sorry that i love seeing you with another man
i'm sorry for my rational jealousy
i'm sorry that we both **** 18 year olds
i'm sorry that we are growing
i'm sorry for losing everything
i'm sorry for drinking too much and smoking too much
i'm sorry for my hypocritical views on human interaction
i'm sorry that i have no idea what to call myself
i'm sorry that i lie to myself about how you really feel about me
i'm sorry that you don't see me as a work of art, the way i see you
i'm sorry that my kisses are starting to bore you
i'm sorry that you are obsessed with carbon copies
i'm sorry that you can't build a bridge
i'm sorry that i still think of him when i touch myself
i'm sorry that i hurt myself
i'm sorry that i need to be alone
i'm sorry that you being unresponsive makes me feel worthless
i'm sorry that i care so ******* much
i'm sorry that i want you
i'm sorry this happened.

my love for you is as innocent as possible
i require no notes, long walks, or sweaty palms
i want nothing more than your lips on my lips
fingertips delicately grazing bones
and eye contact filled with unspoken admiration

my love for you as is simple as the alphabet
easy, and second-nature
no second thoughts
no clinging to vowels or consonants
just a swift fluid flash of jumbled letters
lining up like hieroglyphics
that express my undulating desire
to be as close to you as we are now

my love for you is mental vacation
from the lingering vice that i thought "love" was
because i've never felt more free
from you
with you
just us
even just for a moment, a day
i am full and complete
i require nothing more or less than just your company
and eyelashes on my cheek

my love
i've run out of things to say
my love, my love, my love
like a pop song
you are orange and yellow music and driving bass
percussive and uplifting
you will be stuck in my head for a while.

it brings nirvana
the idea of a faceless brunette girl
petite and soft and curious
i lie extended
i imagine her laying extended
but open
like a star fish
the alphabet exists between her legs
she's like a peach in full bloom
and tastes like one
sweet, ripe, delicious, visceral, here, now, once, ever? yes, here
she sings toneless notes
my eyes roll back into my skull
and that's it

i want to grow with you and see how your limbs change with the seasons
how your skin grows pale as snow
your eyes warming with an impending chill
something has to keep us warm

you make me sparkle
like the sea in the middle of summer
twinkling eyes and beaming pear white skin
my tongue tickles as i run her across your unshaven face
knobby knees knocking
toes touching
eyelashes slowly dancing up
down
up down
up up up
barely floating
barely breathing
barely being able to look at each other
you are a vacation from the ordinary

I am my own worst enemy that is hell-bent on keeping me alone

sending endless love
so much more than i should give
to a deep well
with no echo

blood on the keys
flashing turquoise lights that run rampant across the faceless bodies
bed shifter

a cacophony of church bells, loud expletives, and loud construction

as i sew
with bobby pins
no yarn
can be as soft as
your skin

gnawing hunger
i can hear you breathe
through the walls

drinking you in
amongst a cacophony
of eyes and teeth
all blended into a gargantuan splash
that hits my skin
faster
than a wave on the shore

don’t cry little bird

let me hold your bones in my arms

absorb all of the doubt and sadness expelling from your eyes

and even though i might be lying

everything will be okay little bird

despite the small time

and the cold nights half-sleeping

i still enjoy it

my empty stomach has been ringing and twisting for two days now

you finally proved to me that you’ve been floating outside of my perimeter

instead nestling inside where i’ll keep you safe

and rather than hauling you down and drowning you

in the depths of my anger and insecurity

i punish my empty stomach that’s been ringing and twisting for two days now