i don't remember
the voice i found so
beautiful, a while ago,
nor do i recall the warmth
that ruined me for any
winter to come

now it doesn't grow-
what you made me become
the night and horror
comes and goes,
but it is, now just this
another thing,
with a scar on her skin

when i tasted the lows,
i wasted all my sins-
i remember the choice,
but no voice, it's a while since
i heard anything sing

i remember
more than i miss,
i reminisce-
caught in my thoughts
to rot, and in draught,
a desert to suffice-
my thirst for what
i don't remember at all-
and my vice

there are walls,
as tall as the universe
and as mighty as,
the distance, an invisible
resistance, now that the
world is more dangerous-
for it burned down my
world, for being too humble-

i can barely mumble,
your presence across the
years i have withered,
but i remember, a december
you were still a part of me

is that all it takes,
to be entangled-
enchanted forever ?

there will still be
a heart, in somewhere there,
if you take apart all of me

Dear god, why don't you love me
a little more than I deserve
why is that you're invisible
why be so reserve
Show me yourself now
or I will forget I believe
I'm just talking to myself
am I not ?
maybe I should leave
only an empty space and nothing more
it's all just science and facts
but I still hope you are there
for whenever that panic attacks
but why not be my father?
why won't you love me like a mother?
is there someone else more deserving
do you love me less than some another?
so why must you be my king ?
I'm just wondering
I've done ******* and it's awesome
that means you're on something different
and better
so why don't you share it together
why must I wait forever
only to die in your name
tell me
you don't feel any pain
you don't feel my anger ?
do you even know my name
have you seen tears of my mother
why must I praise you
when I haven't even seen your face
oh, don't tell me you're everywhere
I won't play that game in my heart,
that's just not the place
for when it is broken
you won't mean nothing
for every door that wasn't open
something died within
those pieces are lost now
buried behind a thousand walls
do you think it is only my fault,
that I don't believe in you at all?

Hi I'm just a normal guy and I.. I think that should be enough for an introduction but as it turns out it isn't. It's always, hello my name is xyz ( yeah, I'm from CBSE ) anyhow, my name is xyz, I am xyz, I do this xyz, xyz,xyz, ..abc...bla..bla..blablabla. I mean I want to have an understanding where hello, I'm just a normal guy is enough. But today I want to speak about religion. Yes. Religion. A very interesting.. thing. Sort of. I mean we are all affected by it. Even the atheist, even though I was an atheist but drugs ****** my mind. You know, it's actually funny because I think drugs actually makes you much more religious. Anyone who has ever done drugs can vouch for that, right ? There's nothing more divine in this world than drugs ( of course apart from God). It's the closest you can get to heaven. It's very obvious. If ******* was legal. I'm sorry, I'm a little weak on my drugs. So that's like my go to drug when I'm talking about drugs somehow. Who knew even drugs had marketing ?. Anyhow, if it was legal. Man, things would have been very different. Everyone would have been a devotee, lazy or just dead or dying.. I don't know, you get the picture.. you're smart enough. Now as I was saying, religion affects everyone. I was an atheist... Once. But you know I was thinking something the other day and I got really deep. What if gods were real you know, like hypothetically or realistically ( depends on the side you think you're on ), I was thinking and I realised, I liked the Hindu gods the best. My parents are Hindu. That's very biased I know, but that's the point. Everyone is affected. But I'll sell you my idea. See, I think it would **** to have just one or a couple of gods. I'm sorry, but that's boring. And 'God' is 'God', the best thing ever. PERIOD. ( Kalpnic or otherwise) we should have more of those. More Gods. Tens and thousands. Millions. Billions. Ever counting. Why not ?. The bad joke aside, Hindu gods are cool in my opinion, take 'Shivji' or aka 'Bholenath'. What's not to love ?  Eight pack abs, smoking ****, wearing a rock-n-roll aesthetic. I want my god to be like that. I want him to be cool. I want there to be battles and stories and crazy things. Not just a man wandering and doing good things, I mean I am alright if that's true. I'm all in. I'm just saying my version is cooler. That's all. No offence. I'm not racist ( for religion ? ), I don't care. I think do good, be good and shut up. I swear, that's my moto. But that's not saying that someone else might have a different opinion but that's okay, I would love to hear them if I could. Usually when I pray ( which I admit I don't ) I usually pray to as many gods as I can recall, I guess most of us do. That's just human. God has always been about acceptance more than anything else. Acceptance into the community, build a community and make a living according to that culture, at that place, at that time. It wasn't so forced. It was a way of life. It was different. Now it's something else. Much more commercial and obviously much more dangerous. Religion was made by man for man. God is too huge for our knowledge and I think if you believe in God you will be the first person to agree with me that yes, God is too huge for human knowledge. Let it be. Religion is such a huge economic factor in the world. It's impact on the world governments to an average citizen is phenomenal. It's bound to be corrupted. Follow your God instead. Whatever it may be, don't give it a name. Make it your friend. Make it your strength. Whatever makes you do good is 'God'...... And my 'God' is cooler than yours. And Of course there are Greek gods ( for the hipsters ( yeah!)), but they ****** their siblings, 'Yeahuck'.

a floating space man
in the pitch dark
dark cold never ending sea
stretching forever and far
he watches all there is
and there is always more
in every inch of this nothingness
you'll find all there is to know
about your god
and the god that is here
in the silence of the world
naked and rotten
spreading through the stars
old and forgotten
with an ugly mask
and a yellow smile
there goes the space man
in his kingdom at last
a face darker than night
in eyes of a thousand stars
illuminating beyond edges
of the dark cold depths of the sea
all across the universe
would you still won't believe
that the man in the sky
is every man that will be born
and made of all he will see
and of that he won't
space man isn't home
maker never was our father

you're still as beautiful as the morning sky, the reason to my rhyme,

don't care about that many miles, i don't have any lines to combine,

words don't save you when you're blind.

i needed somebody and i found you,

so thank you for being there for me, when it was the time,

i'm so sorry that i had so much hate in me, that i wasn't right in my mind,

but i hope you're alright and everything's fine, you still smile-

and that you're closer to that place that you always wanted to find,

i know you have it in you to shine, bird, i know it now, i knew it then, when you were mine.  

so one of a kind, but i guess it's fine 'cause we are all designed to forget with time

and before i do, i want to say thank you before i forget you, and after all it's you,

so i don't have to say anything to you, for the laughter was true, as true as you was and I,

and i know you'll miss me too, it's a good-bye.

The things that find
me on a Tuesday:

broken,
ugly,

like me,

like the mirror that
stares at me,

waiting for me
to wake up,

waiting for me to
fall asleep,

waiting for me
to smile,

waiting for me
to surrender.

And that I do,

for whatever
reasons,

to sell me a
certain rationality.

For meaning is now
a distant memory,

fading from
my thoughts.

I see nothing but
restless eyes,

and that is
all I see.

I’ve spent all my
feelings worrying
about everything,

and everything has
passed me by,

as autumn
passes the trees,

as summer
passes my youth.

And as winter
makes a home,

I find myself locking
the doors,

drawing the
curtains,

lest the light
falls into my
sorrows,

and the birds
sing to me,

telling me there’s
still a tomorrow

to suffer.

In love I was born,
A body with no soul
She held me in her arms,
And slowly she made me whole.
In her eyes I was made,
Her gentle heart--
Breathing life in me.
From the moment--
I was awake,
She never did let go of me.
In her embrace,
She raised me in a cruel world.
I was her everything,
Dear then them gold and pearls.
She sang me her love,
A lullaby so I could gently fall asleep.
Whence I dreamt of the stars,
She was the one,
Who gave me all the love--
I would ever need.


You gave me all you had
And then some more.
Lived each day for me,
With all the weight you bore.
You taught me,
Everything that I am.
It was in your arms,
That I learned how to stand.
You showed me,
How to love the world.
To be kind,
Even if sometimes it hurts.
In your presence,
Even the shadows were bright.
You held my tiny hands,
And slowly walked me to life.
I owe you alot more,
Than to be just alive.
You gifted me my soul,
When you sang to me--
Every night.


Years go by in a blur,
Only age lets one cherish--
The time one once had.
To remember,
The moments gone by
When we turn back.
And all I see is you,
Holding me in your arm.
Every smile of yours,
Making me warm.
There was nothing more divine,
Then to be in your shadow.
You lit me up in colours,
When I was but hollow.
Though, now I'm old,
You are still the same.
And when you take my name,
I become the little one--
Once again.


Oh, dear mother
I've loved you--
From the day I was born.
Seasons wither,
But I'll always love you--
For you're the only god,
I have ever known.

she keeps talking but I don't hear her
thinking about ways I can break her

no matter how much I try
I cannot hate her
dreaming about her
and i'm afraid I'll wake her


burning ourselves with love
and now tears are just vapours

ghosts whispering in my ears
how they're gonna break her

I'm just waiting for the day
when I'll carve her

the way I crave her,
I'll make her.






[in a better world
where i don't fight me
there'll be no hurt, never dear
when you'll be beside me

with all my heart i fear
that you'll never want me
and when I'm not there
i know you'll never remind me


i'll be a better man
when your love finds me
all my heart, my love i understand
but that's if you ever find me]

wait, in your sleep,
don't let them take you away
before we meet

for one last time then
you can leave

while you rest let me dress
in a funeral morning

stay with me until i
forget how to breathe

how to sing, how to speak
for i'm nothing without you

for all i ever did was to
bleed dry for you

in the cold afternoons
to seethe jealously

standing by your doors i
keep watch helplessly

to burn for all yours wants
for all your needs

that feed my desire
to be warm

filled with thoughts
and dead seeds

frolicking in your arms
forever on repeat

day after day
into a dying forest

that knows not what
is grief

sheltered by the moon
many a lover seek,

dying too soon.

my head is too light

         lights are too bright
         bright is the night
        
         somebody hold me
         tight
        
         for i know i'll wake up
         sad tomorrow







        
         no matter how much
         i hide,
         it follows;
        
         always by my-side
         somewhere back
         in my mind
        
         somewhere here
         black in my time
         even when
         i'm feeling fine

         stopping the world
         from reaching me

         there's no reasoning
         no season in
         when you're stuck in
         this place

         mesmerised by a face
         or stuck in a maze
         nor dead or amazed

         begging for a moment
         silent and kind

         away from this
         endless emptiness,
         and eyes blind
        
         there's so much violence
         that i cannot find,
        
         my voice in this noise
         of nothingness,
        
         that's brings me every
         night
         some circus of sorrow,
         and pain

         somebody hold me
         tight
        
         for i know i'll wake up
         sad tomorrow,
         again.

I don't know
if i can tell
there's a way
out of hell

what cannot grow
is hard to sell
in my brain
what I have felt

hiding behind
the broken walls
where every tear
pours a waterfall

there i drown
by my self
under an ocean
no one can hear you yell

and then a fire
burns with all I've wept
every scar
that i have kept

starts to breathe
and I open my eyes
flying high
up in the sky

and I can see
oh, I can tell
there's a fool
down in hell

waiting to be freed
from his greed
and now his soul
is not his to sell

and I start to dream
it begin to rain
and I was drowning
once again

I don't know
if i can tell
there's a way
out of hell

8/8/2022

frost seeks a home in
the abyss of my bones

preserved in her colour
the red of my heart

her sadness is my purple
sky pouring misery

my flesh is now silver
without her touch

bustling streets are barren
without her presence

and hers is still a memory
fading away

dying as i die




@writeweird

Sweet little innocent blue eyes
Wanna know what they hide
Hey cat-kitty-kat-doll
Wanna come down and forget it all
Look in my hand
There's a magic wand
Wanna play with it
And build castle in the sand
Crooked-cold-scary-crazy-old-man
Walked with a cane in his right hand
Wicked smile and pocket full of candies
Tonight was in her dreams again
Cruel-dark-sick-black-world
Wanna know what you did with her
For a candy she lost her smile
And you gave her demons before her time
She was small and could barely speak
One little candy all she seek
And you gave her a nightmare before her time
made a face and said its just another crime
Sweet little innocent blue eyes
Wanna know what they hide
Hey cat-kitty-kat-doll
Maybe one day she can forget it all

h


h













        H O P E













The little child kept walking through the forest. Only ever stopping to look around to make sure nobody was following him. He was running away from home.


















His home was a thousand miles away from where he was at the moment. Afraid and lonely. It felt only yesterday when he sat by the window within the warmth of his home.
















Now all he saw was strange and confused. His eyes were having a hard time adjusting to the frequency of this wander land.















There was something barren in life here. Something felt made up and painted. There was no taste in the air. There was no feel to the wind.


















Yet, he kept walking on. In silence and alone. He was sure nobody else survived. He was sure he was going no where.



















And just before he was about to give up. There was a flash in the sky. So bright that the sky almost melted into a night. He felt it.
















He felt it rising through the wind. It was making his heart beat faster. The bright light burst into a big cloud of fireball, almost divine by design.











The little child closed his eyes and bent down on his knees. This was salvation.

A few seconds later, he was torn apart in pieces.














h

My house, when I was young,
was tangled with trees and neat little flowers,
lined in rows — seas of red, pink, and white.

Or perhaps that was only a dream,
and I was never young.
Perhaps I arrived
fully formed, carved in stone,
walking in borrowed feet.

How is it that I gave myself up so easily?

Was it the sparse decorations,
the dusty mirrors where I saw myself,
trying not to become barren,
swallowed by storms,
covering bone with flesh, hair,
and new fabric?

I wish there were a place
to set down my heart and leave it there —
let my lungs do the talking,
let my arms measure the weight of hurt.

Perhaps then I could lift my spirit
at the decay of night,
and not lie awake,
in this sedated body,
restless beneath the autumn sky.

This tenacious boredom
has carved a cathedral
deep in my wounds.

How quickly I would give it all up,
burn it all, so easily —

if I weren’t made of neat little flowers,
smoke, ash, and forgotten relics.

But how can I?

They deserve to flee,
to root themselves
in a new home
elsewhere.

settled in ruins

caught in the arms of
a morning thought

swirling in strokes of
the painted nights

how far has sun
come to rule?

for mine is the
house of summer

where she haunts
me still

old photographs melt
into the moonlight

to never stay in
dusk

every whisper
of my disguise

sets in my house
of summer

for the western
winds pass through
the alleys of my
mind

and every breath
takes away of the
little i have known

each cascading
thought mixes into
the never ending
abyss

dance of the
spiralling tears i've
come to mourn

how do I tell
myself

that my heart is
caught in a well
of sadness

and a thousand
years have found
a home within me

as my lungs expand
into the never-ending
nothingness

oceans rage
inside of my veins

storms peer
through my eye

each dream a
memory that fades
away

i am my own
escape

haunt me my heart
of october

forged remains of the
days spent in disguise

breathing, always breathing
settled in ruins

caught in the arms of
the morning thought

swirling in strokes of
the painted nights

how far has sun
come to rule?

for mine is the
house of summer

where she haunts
me still

old photographs melt
into the moonlight

to never stay in
dusk

for mine is the colour
of her design

drawn on the edge
of my despair

castle of decay melting
into the melancholy

a glance in memory
but unfamiliar

silent tears prying
into the wilderness

how far has sun
come to rule

how long has it been?

what doesn't exist
you cannot resist
and it's all in your mind
the pain and the bliss

what isn't there
it must be here
isn't it ?

blind and down
but can you see through
tears of that clown

but can you see you
see what you do
through the mist ?

and they'll scream at you
that it's not your time
to escape from this



you can hate it all if you so want
hate them all if you so wish

but you cannot love, no you don't
you cannot love what doesn't exist




this moment you're stuck in
they told you it must be within
the things you've said before
every last of your sweet sins

and all of your bland stories
those dreams and a wish
they told you not to worry
here, have this poisoned kiss

one for the road that's ugly
for all those pieces that never fit




you can hate it all if you so want
hate them all if you so wish

but you cannot love, no you don't
you cannot love what doesn't exist



so many questions
those don't mean anything
they don't scream everything
there's nobody left to miss

and where were you gone before
now here you are
so alone, on your own where you sit

and you keep telling your tale
how it never fails to make you sick

sick to your heart,
how it tears you apart

so go on, and take your pick
it's something you cannot get rid
it won't see who's blue or what's green
who's been true nor who you're with




you can hate it all if you so want
hate them all if you so wish

but you cannot love, no you don't
you cannot love what doesn't exist




pretending it's all fine
I won't erase anything if I was blind

but when you know something
it's so hard to leave it behind

so many ways to die out there
why don't you make me a list ?
I'll be there for you to share
lie to me now, I insist

I've been a stranger all my life
in my anger to be rich


but I'm not yet ready to be found
by some rich man in the town

for I know what greed can do to you
I've heard how his throat got slit

leave me alone with my thoughts
I want to drown
before I can escape from arms of his





you can hate it all if you so want
hate them all if you so wish

but you cannot love, no you don't
you cannot love what doesn't exist




my baby once told me
it gets warm when fire's been lit
but don't take it in your arms
or you'll burn with it

such a strange feeling to have
when you don't know what you did

and they're all standing in a line
blaming at the same time

wandering in the cold desert
looking for some fish
there're so many fools out there
that the oasis cannot persist


what doesn't exist
you cannot resist
and it's all in your mind
the pain and the bliss

what isn't there
it must me here
isn't it ?




you can hate it all if you so want
hate them all if you so wish

but you cannot love, no you don't
you cannot love what doesn't exist

how is everything so purple?









everything is purple

purple my heart

it's like autumn but
unfamiliar

heavy like air

i feel it breathing
in a corner

it's never ending
and so near

i can see it's
made of purple

purple the letters
in my name

purple are my arms

purple my veins

i'm falling asleep
my dream is purple

i see you and
you're purple

look around everything
is purple

it's what we are,

in decay.









@writeweird

Lovers painted in
the moonlight

curtains drawn
into slumber

Promises and wishes
must find another's bed

The weak heart
has surrendered

its sorrows gathered
in the depths of your arms

Sharp secrets of
the bygone days

must search for
a different home

The walls of this house
are painted in mist

the ceiling pours
a silent storm

Every breath becomes
a cascading sad song

lingering in
hollow despair

Only a skeleton
remains

awaiting a final
word

Hush, little child
Put your head down and sleep
As i watch you dream,
As i hear you dream.

Hush, little child
Put your head down and weep
As i watch you dream,
As i hear you dream.



Let them make a fool out of us,
Strangle us, hurt us,
Tell us it's all in the name of love,
All in the name of their god
Let them silence us, enslave us,
Tell us they are our lords
And make us, to break us,
Into the hollow of our ground
Push us back till the edge,
Till we scatter and break down
No more will we scream our names,
But a deathly song of dread and cold
Lured into their empty steel cage,
Prisoned in the depth of our soul,
No more will we tread the weather,
Afraid of the storm and the rain
There shall be no more respite,
As we fall in an abyss all over again
Falling apart in every breath,
Too brittle to carry our own scars
Across this ocean of hurt and despair,
We've trapped our own hearts
For them to rule us all,
To be the kings and queens of us
And create us our world,
With their every touch
Empty vessels to fill with fear,
A pet in need of a monster
To be led straight into a pit
We'll never be our own masters,
For we blind fold ourselves
To hide from the world within,
Take the blade and kiss it
And Make our tears on our skin
To remind us who we are,
What we are, to them and the world
To feel like the king himself,
To find ourselves in gems and pearls
And breed our fears and pain,
To be swept off our feet in chains
Hanging by a noose,
To bleed till everything drains
And be empty of our conscience,
Our thoughts will never be our own
No matter how far we may run,
Our steps will forever be alone
But they will always lead us,
To find ourselves
Far away in the wonderland,
We'll make our home.




Hush, little child
Put your head down and sleep
As i watch you dream,
As i hear you dream.

Hush, little child
Put your head down and weep
As i watch you dream,
As i hear you dream.

Here, and now it's gone
Just another song
From a broken heart

Picked apart
In pieces
But thank you
I've done my thesis
On pain  

Same thoughts bite
And cut just the same
As they did
Moments ago

I don't know
If it's only me
But something is on fire

Sometimes desires
Expire
And all that is left
Is lost in theft
What was so carefully kept
Lost

And no matter the cost
It won't hurt anymore
After a while
Down a thousand miles


I'm just waiting here
Counting the tiles
Walking by the road
With a knife on my throat
Singing again

my fingers do not want to write
my mind does not want to think
I want to sit in a dark lonely corner
let the silence kiss me in ink
take the sad faces and burn them
I do not wish to be here anymore
there's nothing but pain for me there
I do not wish to be there anymore
I've lived through myself but not me
my thoughts sometimes aren't mine
what is and what was makes no sense
in all I have forsaken with my time
the arms keep chasing the hours
minutes wither into another empty tale
what was theirs was never ours
sometimes memories leave behind no trails
I do not seek love as I age
I've known enough not to bleed
I wonder if I was wise before
to let go of all I could once keep
possessions that now are lost
for the voice never got too old
I have known and seen the cost
of the ones I've felt grown cold
there is no pride in madness
nothing to gain from a lonely wish
I've grown with every scar and tear
and back to where I was
when I remember her in arms of his
my words are as strange as me
for only I can see their true colour
there is not one but so many
when I catch a glimpse in the mirror
I am so much poison
eating myself from within
celebrating my own erosion
as I see the lights dim
and into the dark I weep
I do not wish to be dead no more
through the dark I reach
I do not dream of this world anymore

Voices are getting louder in my head
I can see my eyes, I can see the dead
There are no monsters beneath my bed
Just me alone on it inside this head

Breathing the smoke
DYING as I breathe
The more far I run
The more close I reach

The more I seek
The less I learn
The more I am free
Faster I burn

Harder I scream
Stronger I become
More I dream
Longer I burn

Without your turn
You can be nobody
You're just someone
Like them everybody

And in the end
We won't be friends
I know you won't like me
rotten eyes and ugly body

Somebody hunt me down
I need to calm down my nerves
With death on my back
Give me what I deserve


Count to three
Back to dead
You and me
Blacked to death

No more voices
In my head

Have to let
Go before I can let
Myself forget
The regrets

Not ready to bet
Not steady and set
Unstable
And they keep callin' me names
Like I'm the one insane

There's no place to rest
All faces test
My will to be nice lest
I'll carve them a smile

And i don't remember what I was doing all this while,
It's like my sub-conscious sent my mind in exile,
Technology is dead and i don't know who to dial,
There's no network in this hell and there are no miles,

Just an endless sea as far as you can see
Right in front of your eyes
It's no secret that you can be who ever you wish to be
In your dreams where you can't die

There are so many addictions today
You'll be stupid enough not to try

When one day you'll perish anyway
Why don't you live your lies

Who told the truth that they're not true?
Is Santa clause a lie ?

He's on every street
Selling all night

It's all around you
Jump off that building if you ever want to learn to fly

It's even easier to own the sky

Said the rich guy with a sick smile too sly,
There's a strange man inside of me and he's too shy,

Always talking non-sense.

I'm sorry, how the time flies

I apologise.

little people
small people
people full of scars

riddle me people
why the feeble mind ?

why bother time
with your reaper's heart ?

cry with me,
when I read you your tar,

filthy hands, guilty stars
many men, any man-
but yet i see no flowers

nobody's awake at this hour

and i've slowly spent all my
will to live,
i repent the kind man who
sought this thrill to give,

frozen smile, stuck by the clock;
locked in place and stiff,
opened files, an omen dies,
and he spoke with a slight lisp

munching on something
light and crisp,
searching for nothing,
nothing's as vile and sick;

reaching for that one thing-
that gun thing, them rocks and sticks,

how about that sun thing ?
what would a son think,
when he's burdened by the mist,
pretending to be human enough
to pretend that he's amiss,

amidst the chaos and the risks,
forgotten names and letters,
from faces that he don't miss-

and they think it gets better
the more you drink and fish,
so ink yourself a moon, and
buy yourself a letter-
so, you can sin, sing and wish

for some time alone.

A song for you: 5/9/22










if only i could cry with somebody
how beautiful must the day be

when you're lost lookin' for somebody
oh their face is all that you see

they will tell you all love's the same
when you die nothing remains

it takes a life to forget a name
say your goodbyes when it rains

                       ------

for the night if i could be anybody
I'd be the one right next to you

doesn't matter if you want somebody
it only matters if they're not with you

they will tell you how much it pains
even though it's so hard to explain

done it before and you'll do it again
it takes nothing to fall in love again









@writeweird

find me and tell me,
that it wasn't easy.

blind me and sell me,
hell with me, i wasn't easy.

mind me and spell me,
paint me in dusk and daisies.

remind me of the hell in me,
tell me, how it consumed me maybe..

baby, lately.. it's been...
it's been hazy.

if you ever find love,
find me and tell me
that I wasn't crazy.

it was always true.