What if
We were reincarnated?

I was the plutonium bombs,
I was everywhere to be found,
Burned like stars in the northern sky;
Yet my walls were too high
And my insecurity was too deep,
For I was so difficult to be created!

And you,
You were the uranium bombs,
You were the rare atom, of one in a million.
The one that I had been searching for,
To create a massive fusion for us two.

And together
We could create the hydrogen bombs
And explode the whole world
With our love

But yet,
We were too toxic,
Too destructive for each other,
That we keep hurting our bodies;
Roaming through the sky,
Just to sacrifice ourselves in the land of earth,
As to die and to be killed,

As if
we were
never destined
for each other.

-a.d

People said
Romanticizing is too dramatic
And sad poetries
Are kind of untold suicidal notes
And poets
Are too broken, bluer than a bruise
Blacker than old stretches
As miserable as a grayish dark cloudy sky
As heavy as the hazy rainfalls on a rooftop
Little know they realize
That words hurt
And sharp,
Like a knife twisted in a soul.

i am the flower
i go blossom
they call me beautiful
i go die
they cut me off
they throw me away
so worthless
and useless

i am the flower
*that's what i am

08:48 pm

why is missing someone can be so addicting? you have to get rid of it, wake up and move on with your life ahead, but you just don't want to. you want to remember their details; their smile, the color of their eyes and their tastes forever but nothing lasts forever and either you want it or not, the picture of them will softly leave and remain in your heart as long as you live.

the sun was shining so bright that day, peeking through my windows. i felt the sunlight burned my fragile skin and my heart continued to beat. walls of insecurities and emptiness vanished when i saw his eyes in the morning sun. his smile was full of mildness and brought me into a sweet melody of tranquility. he touched my hand and i felt the sunflowers inside my lungs are dancing in the bloomy atmosphere.

the clock keeps ticking and i woke up and i realized that you are not next to me anymore. all those scenarios i made inside my colored mind never exist, and it was just a daydream away. you did not love me and you are gone, just softly leave. but your voice was still humming inside my soul and i pictured your laughter perfectly in my 2 am thoughts before i go to sleep.

those summer days are over, my dear. those rhythms and happy voices are booming in my everlasting memories. i felt so grateful to know you in my life, beautiful boy. thank you and goodbye.

just change me
just turn me
into a dust
worthless and useless
***** and all filthy
i'll be the dust
in your veins
so i can stay forever
inside your body
without feeling the pain
of missing you so much

the stars are longing for the sun
when it shines so bright in a summer day
with the sound of cracking waves
and everlasting goodbyes
just like yesterday i said hello
and you touched my hand
you grew butterflies and sunflowers inside my lungs
all of my darkness and sorrow
vanished when i saw your smile

i still feel the summer air and those sparks
even when you said goodbye
i died a little inside
this piece of memory will be gone
and now you're softly leave footprints in my heart
and now you're really gone.

hold me down for real
catch my eyes the way you
catched the morning light
say those three words
and come run forever with me
let's dance on the white balcony
or lay down on the sleepless dusty road
and watch as the moon breathe
let's sing along our favorite song and kiss
beneath all the city lights at 3 am
come on
hold me down for real
and i'll be yours forever.

how will i let you go
if you look at me
the way sunflower looks at the bright sun

how will i let you go
if you smile at me
the way a poet smiles to their muse

how will i let you go
if you hold me tight
not letting me to slip away from your grip
and soak me in to the deep ocean of yours
a place without oxygen

how will i let you go
if you make my heart beating
the way a blind man seeing a sunrise for the first time

how will i let you go
if my fingers can't stop dance
around the inks and papers
to write these meaningless poetries for you?

*tell me, how to let you go?

Before I fell in love
with the midnight sky;
with the summer breeze;
with the deep blue ocean;
with the shimmers of gradation
on the sunset sky;
with all of the city lights
in a starless night;
with the words and poetries;
and even with myself;
*it is you who I fell in love with first.

my heart shattered into pieces
words are wrapped under my skin
the red skies are coming through your shadows
stories are untold, letters are unfold
hands are shaking, eyes tired from crying
i really miss the melody of your laughter
the serenity and butterflies i get
everytime i see you smile
the galaxies and stars inside your shining eyes
how i miss your body and soul
the way you talk and the way you walk
why do you have to leave?
why do you have to go?
don't leave me alone with these broken pieces
i see you on every faces in the streets
i see you on the white ceiling in a cold morning
i see you in the heavy rain
i see you on the blue sky after the sun rises
your smile fades on a summer breeze,
leaves me alone with the humming leaves
only 3 words left out:
*i miss you.

I fall deeply,
stumble,
crawl,
battle,
without your smile
I drown in the sea of tears
out of oxygen,
struggle,
no air,
words all over my head
without you by my side.

where are you?
are you going down the midnight road?
are you running across the green field out there?
are you laughing as the ocean collapse from the sky?
are you still in the same place as you used to be?

where are you?
this little heart misses you so much
and no words can describe this truly pain
the reality hits me so hard
the way that i can't see your smile anymore

where are you?*
my skies become so dark without you, sunshine
my world falls into one place without you, love
give me one more chance
to see your soul
into your brown eyes
and i will let you go
with this empty heart.

you are the dust in my veins
bring me the chaos in my head
gives me an arctic sense in my hand
and all of the dead stars
are staring at me,
the blue soul with empty eyes
telling me it is the time
to let you fly
across the universe
and to let you go
from the room in my little heart

you are the apple to my eyes
you are all the unsaid words and the unspoken truth
you are the ocean that humming in my heart
you are the birds that flying across my mind
you are all the bright shadows, the sunsets,
the sunrise, and the galaxies in my world
and do i need to say it all over again?
you are my world,
my universe,
*and my whole world revolves around you.

just like a shooting star across the sky
just like a sunshine peeks behind the green leaves
with its rays and bright lights all over my dull eyes
just like a warm coffee in a rainy days
just like the pigeons that fly happily on the big blue sky
my world stops when you smile at me
and the time stands still when you look at me
and i'm so over with inks
and papers
and words
because you are too beautiful to describe
and my love for you can't be contained in thousand words.

you remind me with the bright spring day when the sunlight peeks around the green leaves; you remind me with a nice summer day when the blue ocean hits the shoreline and the birds humming sweet lullabies. and i hope somewhere somehow you will find your path as the sunflowers turn around along the field to see your smile. and i hope you will smile at the shooting star as you close your eyes and make wishes like its the last time of your life. and i hope the constellation and also the moon will always lighten up your dark sky and be there for you even in your darkest times. and i hope you will see all the city lights from the ferris wheel at night and the butterflies inside your stomach will dance until you feel so weak and i hope you will reach all your dreams and always be happy out there. and i know you don't realize this but i hope you understand how much i care about you and how much i love you.

the sun is not quite setting
brighten the sea with golden brushes
the clouds are hanging dry on the canvas
the magenta and turquoise mixes all over my gaze
lighten up the eyes with strong desire
and the night is calling me out
the stars appear with the faithful moon above it
battling with all the city lights
the laughters and smiles are fulfilling my ears
the words of love sounds monotonous to me
and here i am,
chasing down the streets
and wandering the empty hearts of mine
alone;
searching for yours
that i know will never be here.

i let everyone
who i love
leave and going away
i hold on this pain
until it burst out to tears
that come out from my blue
i let them go
to make them happy
(even without me)

is it pain?
when you have the desire to touch someone you love
and to feel the electricity goes around your body
burning like golden flames inside your veins
but you know you just can't do it?

is it pain?
when you admire their pretty starry eyes
that shines so bright like a sunlight peeks around it
and you always pray they will turn around to find your eyes
and to catch your locked gaze,
but you know they will not do it?

is it pain?
when a one look of their eyes
suddenly reminds you with your old favorite songs
and a beautiful movie scene
and a love poetry or maybe old love letters
but you know they do not feel the same?

*and the pain goes through my fingertips
until the deep heartstrings of mine
until the white fragile bones of mine
and my eyes are numb
and all I know
is
just
pain.

The eyes of golden veins
The hair of chocolate
The lips of red cherries
The smell of a spring day

His misty eyes were so deep;
As strong as the king of jungle's
His hands were spinning around,
playing around with my heart
and drowning himself into my fragile soul

The smile of the sun
He never told me the truth
The boy of the ocean
He surf all around my broken veins
And his lips were locked so tight
Left me alone
with untold feelings
and hidden stories.

03/17/2014

Dear you,
Some days I was lying awake in a middle of night, counting the stars on the hazy sky and hope you're doing the same. I looked at the full moon, wishing you were here with me but I had a little thought that you might be looking at the same moon so it was enough for me. I was thinking about your beautiful smile, your charming eyes, your raspy voice, and I wondered how it feels to having your fingers intertwined with mine. I read so many books and knew some plenty of beautiful words but none of them could fit my feelings for you. You are the most beautiful human I've ever known, inside and outside. Wrote this letter for you just wasting my time because you would never read it but Hell, I can't think of other ways to express this incredible feeling for you, my dear. When I saw you from the very first time I straightly fell in love with your smile and the curious part of myself started getting bigger and higher. Soon, I knew your name and I remembered how happy I was to figure it out. I was having a strange feeling for you at first, and I really don't know what it's called until I learn the word "love". And by saying this, I mean the strong meaning for love because it's a strong word and people often underestimate it for their lust feelings or the romantic situations.

Dear you,
I love you for the way you are. For the way you laugh at your stupid jokes, for the way you fall asleep on the couch or even in your own suitcase (you are so precious); for the way you smile at the nice things, for your kindness to people who need help, for your humbleness, for your eyes that lighten up and darken up in a minutes, for your silly dance move and for the way you are.

I really hope it doesn't turn out to be an ordinary love letter but well, as I said, I don't have any words to truly express my love for you. Thanks for being exist and I owe my life to you because without you, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be like this. You make me worth living and you make me feel so priceless and I can't thank you enough for that.

Like the melodies of rainfall,
you give me a serenity
Like the smell of spring green grass,
you fill my heart with smiles
Like a brush of pastel colors in canvas,
you give me a mildness around my wall
Like a rhythm of the blue waves,
you complete me with a tranquility

And in the winter days
you make me feel so warm
like a bonfire in a dark wood
lighten up and warming up at the same time
And you make my heart blooms
Like daisies in a white meadow
they are humming a melody
as you greet them with a bright smile

And I know you do not realize it
but when I see you, you remind me with the sun
But no,
you're not a sun who makes my eyes go blind,
you're a moonlight who lights me up
even in the darkest time
But the moon has so many flaws,
and I don't see one in your soul
so I think you're not a moonlight

Then I think again and again,
And I find it.
You may not be my sun,
or my fire,
or even my moonlight,
*But you are my world, and will always be my world.

I know you don't see me the way I see you
I know you don't love me the way I love you
I know you don't waste hours by hours crying over me
I know your smile and your laughter are not for me

And I know all of these scenarios that I have made
in between my dreams and my sleeps
are not true
And I know my dream is just a dream
and soon, it will be fading away

But I will still admire the way you chase the sun
I will still admire the smile you wear when you see the stars
I will still admire your aura that reminds me
with the bright sunflowers in summer days
I will still admire the way sunlight peeks around your eyes
and the way sunrays play with your brown hair

I will still admire the way you are;
a beautiful person who changes my world,
and also my perspective in life
And even if you don't feel the same about me,
It is okay.

I know the stars are so far away
and you don't have wings to reach it
I know the sun is too bright
that it blinds your beautiful eyes
I know the night is so cold
and you need a little sunlight on the sky

but darling,
I know you have nowhere to go
I know your eyes are wandering
to those sunflower fields,
to that bright blue sky

and I know you will not trust my words,
or even my poems
but you can look through my eyes
and you will realize
that I don't mind become that sunflower
or become that soft cloud in the air
or become the rainfall that's tearing from the sky

because I want you to know
that I will always care about you
that I will always be here for you
that I will always kiss your scars
whenever you want me to
and I will always love all of your imperfections

"why are you sad?"
because
all I see is him and me
because
all I feel is his heartbeat
next to mine

because all I see
is the field green grass
and the constellations
in midnight sky;
and those shooting stars
and a sweet lullaby whispered
in my ears;
and the rough waves hitting
the rock behind the shoreline;

because all I see
is you, me, and all the things that we could be
because all I see
is the whole world in your pure eyes.

I know I am so monotonous
for always write a romantic poetry
with black ink on a plain white paper
I know I am so dull
to imagine you as my muse
to sing you a soft lullaby
when you are not even here

I know I am so pathetic
as a girl who fails at everything
as a girl who creates lots of mistakes and sins
as a girl who has not achieve anything
in her ****** - dark world

I know I am not enchanting
and I see your gorgeous smile
almost every night in my nightmare
and I see your misty eyes
almost everytime in my beautiful daydream
I know I am not beautiful
like the stars above tonight's sky
or like the small streams in a green field

but darling,
all I can think about is
making a lovely poetry for you,
composing flowing rhythms for you,
letting my fingers dance around my paintbrush
and painting every single thing on your face
in a smooth empty paper

and I am sorry for doing all of that
and I am sorry for thinking I have a chance
and I am sorry for dreaming of you as my stars
and I am sorry for hurting myself
with the thoughts of you in every minute of my life

I remember you
as the drop of rainfalls
start tearing from the dark sky
as the smell of the cold water
start spreading all over the ground
as the flowers start dropping
some particles of fading dew

I remember you
in the middle of bonfire
in the back of my thin footprints
in the snowflakes that stick on the pale trees
and the icy ground of a cold winter

I remember you
like the field of green grass
beneath the ray of sun
like the warm breeze in a spring day
like the bunch of sunflowers
that you drive along the path
and they turn around to see your smile

I remember you
in the happiest moment and the darkest hour

But you will never remember me
and I will never be
the rain, snowflakes or the sunflowers
that you gaze upon so longingly

he is beautiful;

like the way the sky is right now
with hazy dust stars and the light in dark clouds
with the lunar eclipse and the radiance
and that pretty shadows beneath the moonlight

like the way the ocean is right now
with blue-turquoise water that illuminated by the sun
with gradient color in the horizon
and blue shades and the breeze

like the way the galaxy is right now
filled by billion stars and pastel dust
with the stunning mist and enchanting lights
out of limit with no gravity

he is beautiful,
and *just beautiful.

beneath the sun,
he smelt of chocolate and sweet coffee
mixed with a smell of summer breeze
with the hair of mahogany
and billion stars in his misty-emerald eyes
like the ocean that hits the shore
like the stars that miss the sun in morning sky
beneath this hazy sky,
he is like my favorite rainfall
he is like the sunshine who's been hiding
and maybe,
he is really my sunshine

she is sinking too deep
in the cold ocean;
merges with the spindrift
rough like the waves
craving for someone
to save her
but she keeps sinking
and doesn't know
when the pain
will end

the sky
is an unlimited big canvas
is a shadow sketch of life
is an infinite ocean of stars
is a hope for those who are giving up
is a wish for those who are dreaming
is a love for those who are smiling

it's the place for
billion stars,
fading clouds,
pastel shadows,
and hopeless soul
to lean on

She wants a ferris wheel at midnight
with illuminating city lights
all around her sad eyes
and the cold breeze
wraps her fragile skin
with a special guy
she's ever dreamed for
kiss her softly
like a sweet remedy
and humming melodies
along the atmosphere
in perfect harmonies
just the two of them
in six feet under the stars

I fall in love
the way you talk to me
with sweet words
that would melt in my hand

the way you stare at me
with those stars
in your beautiful eyes

the way you smile at me
that the butterflies
on my nervous stomach
are dancing around
and illuminate my eyes
and brighten my day

the way we talk about random things
that could go on forever
like 7 hours
and i don't mind
spending it all with you

the stars in her eyes
are fading
the sparks in her soul
are only illusion
between the sad imagination
and
in the middle of confusion
the smile in her lips
are still there
but
her eyes are wandering
through the ocean of sadness
yet
no one realizes it