I can't go into the city
It reminds me of you
Your voice haunts my footsteps
The sights bring butterflies back to my stomach
And when evening comes, my heart can barely contain its excitement
At the thought of seeing you
It becomes incensed
So to cool it down
I think of your demeanor towards me
When I knew it was falling apart
I go back to that moment
When you bridled my passion
And my will submitted to yours
I think of the disdain with which I perceived you regarded me
Not her again
Is what I imagined you said
Every time your phone lit up
But really, I just wanted you to feel the love you deserve
This is my curse
Always giving, never receiving
Like the water bearer that is my sign
Aquarius in the sky
Water heals,
Why couldn't I have tried harder

Going back to those streets takes everything I have
I must not cry
But I can't, I don't know if you are everything to me
But I sure as hell wanted to find out
Why do I mourn that, which I never had

I never meant anything to you
Admit it

But you had the potential to be my whole world

But I know now , that to try giving you what you need
You would have to be as willing as me

And so I continue to pour out love waiting for you to catch it

He texts me in another language
One I am familiar in
My heart feels at home
He doesn't need an invitation into my life
He signed up before
And knows he belongs
He makes me feel loved
My presence is to him, a caressing breeze
Playful, and light
I speak to him in tongues of  love
Wishing you hadn't forgotten to speak it too
He can never replace you
But I will let him in
And he will do his best to fill the gaps you left in my language

The thought of you holds sleep at bay
Do you ever think of me?
I think of you
In landscapes I wander
Dreamless and weary
Searching for that familiar face
Remember how we laughed the first date?
You smiled encouragingly as I opened up
I remember the second
And you opening the door not just the car
But the one to your soul
And the third when you held me close, and kept the cold at bay
When your lips first touched mine
I was shocked and felt so alive
It was that day. That evening.
That was the last day you
Shared your love with me
You were slow to respond
And I felt like a hit and run victim
You order me to move on
And I an obedient soldier,
Do my best
But I just wander lost in love or lust
I don't know
Visions of you flicker across my eyes
Painting the sky in shades of red and blue
I am shell shocked,
My pulse racing to unknown ends
And to make amends
Would it **** you?
To tell me why?

When I was 18 I fractured my pinky
riding my Huffy bike from my dorm to my vet tech class
I sat there in class for the next two hours
in horrified silence
not wanting to leave
I couldn't miss class
My hand turned from a beige to a lovely shade of indigo
like I had dipped the right side of my right hand in a vat of ink

That pain was nothing

When I was 20 I unceremoniously jumped from a mustang named Spirit
Fracturing my leg, the only thing keeping it attached was the muscle, tendons, and skin
But even that had been broken by a white bone
I cried and cried

That pain was nothing

See for a fractured finger or leg
You receive attention, and help
doctors crowd around you and inject you with morphin
and prescribe hydrocodine
to numb the pain
so that you can be put together again and heal
eventually forgetting why you cried in the first place

But what about a broken heart?
No one comes
and you are the only who feels that it would have been better had you been shot, because then you would know why you feel this way
there would be evidence of your pain
and a reminder that you used to be whole
not just a shade of who you once were
people wouldn't tell you to get over it
that you just need to think about something else

This pain is everything

Walk with me, this loneliness is like a drug, the more I take it in, the more I go numb.
It starts with my eyes, you held my gaze
Next my heart close to yours
Then my hands on your chest
Our bodies align like stars in the sky
This is all erased as quickly as it comes
But now I need another taste
As my mind betrays me
And you flash,
Just a brilliantly as you came
And are gone again

Please tell me something beautiful
I want to feel alive
Like stars framed in the sky
Out light extinguished long ago
But the ethereal traces of us can still be
Observed dancing throughout the galaxy
And with every glimpse of those lingering memories
My heart grows colder and more distant
From this world
And travels further, expanding continually
But finds no solace to fill the void it irreverently leaves
Please, forgive me

As I wander, grows the chasm
From my heart to yours
Home beckons me
But this body has been sculpted to roam
Attachments made of tenuous fiber
Beside her, they stay
An anchor to what once was
Forgiveness that you keep close
I can only but hope with me you would share
Impart to me the desire to feel
Awaken and inspire my heart to love again
I, like clay, moldable and true to the shape of your hands
Would remake myself for you
Just say the words

I need you to feel alive
These dusty corners of my heart
Have no melody
I reluctantly fold my heavy arms
That offered no protection against your charms
I always will regard you
As a ghost
You haunt will my footsteps
As I pass through the lonely halls of life
You will never confront me
But your spirit of animosity
Will poison what was once pure
And now I can be sure
All we are is...

I don’t think I’ll ever grow used to your eyes.

The way they see into my soul.

Like amber pools, what mysteries have bathed there. Rinsing the deceit and lies that rise in my mind.

Emerging clean, new and ocean blue.

I never want to hide- but whisper the truth only for your ears to hear

I

    love
          
            you

Empty houses
Leave violent echoes
Of the choices we made
But the throes of death
Will eventually subside
And we are left with
More reason to hide
I cover myself in truth
And then bide my time
I know you are ruthless
But so am I
I will pass this test
And let my feelings for us die