Sirens rang in the distance and I'm pretty sure the fire in my heart already burnt out.
I apologize in advance for the inconvenience my love must have caused you for so long.
The wind howled in the night and I heard the rain begin the pour down.
Like the blood in my veins you kept me alive for a while.

Can you read me this fairytale about true loves kiss and the passion they feel? Tell me a story of action and adventure where heroes always win! You can't thoigh because we fell into a tragedy. Lost as Romeo and Juliet we killed ourselves slowly and passionately with no note for anyone.

Sirens ring louder now and i can't be sure but they might be outside my apartment.
I apologize for the lack of communication today but I thought it best to go at this alone.
I decided that you're no longer needed as the blood in my body so I slashed you out across my wrists.
What a tragedy it is to die so young and alone?

I’m convinced I’ll never feel at home anywhere I go.
I know people say- home is where the heart is…
And people say- home is the people around you…
And people say- home is where you rest your feet….
But people also say a lot of unnecessary words.

I’m too in love with the world.
I want luscious mountains, and the tallest of trees.
I want hot sandy beaches & rivers flowing freely.
I want volcanoes & lagoons.
I want fairy forests & willow trees to read under.
I’m looking for sweltering heat of summer while dreaming of rain falling in autumn all around me.

I’m convinced I’ll always want more.
I’m convinced I’m staying in a place that feels like a burden & less like a home.
A place with nostalgic memories I don’t really want anymore.
A place that holds old love and deaths I can’t forget.
A place with unnecessary words from unnecessary people.

With pursed lips stained with cherry red lipstick she stood in front of her mirror and cried a little harder with each breath.
Why can't she be perfect?
Why can't she fall back in love?
Why can't she just ask for help again?
Watching herself in that mirror she saw her reflection... Makeup running down her face, and a cry for help only she saw each day...
Why couldn't she rewind?
Why couldn't she just take it all back?
Why was she so afraid the change and start new?
Today was the day she said with one shaky breath.... Today she would stop the self hatred and the tears.

She stopped asking why.
She stopped trying to rewind.
She stopped trying to be someone she wasn't anymore....

One day you'll understand....

Why....I'm to afraid to take that step off the cliff.
I'm too scared to tell you I want to buy a plane ticket and come see you.
I'm to afraid of the sadness that lingers in my heart.
I'm afraid to fall in love with you again and again.

One day you'll understand....

How... You broke my heart in thousands of pieces.
I can't find them to put myself back together again.
I'm falling apart whenever you tell me you miss me.
I'm dying when you tell me you love me.

One day you'll understand...

What.... You do to me when you smile.
You are asking of me is to much.
You aren't doing has consequences.

One day you'll undersrand...

Who... You are and why you make me feel this way.
Who I am becoming.
Who we need to be.

One day you'll undersrand...

Where.... You left me is exactly where I never want to end up again....

You were as golden yellow as the Carolina Jessamine.
You were as petite as the Long- Spurred Violet.
You were as graceful as the Wisteria and as complex as the Passionflower.
You stood as tall as the Sunflowers and as enchanting as the Fall Aster.
You were as intoxicating as the Cardinal flower; haunting everyone and slowly making them fall in love with you.
Your eyes are brighter then those Baby Blue eyes you love so much.
You were as happy as the California Poppy's.


You and your Wildflower Warpaint.

My youth has passed me in a hurry.

It feels like yesterday I was 20 and still living with my best friends hanging pop punk flags on the walls of our first apartment together.

It feels like I was just 21 and my friends surprised me with a party and we drank until we passed out and sang karaoke like never before.

I’m sure I was just 22 or 23 and I was dating someone I hated with a passion while still crying over you.

But wait I know 24 and 25 are around the corner and it’s my first time moving out of my hometown and I want so badly to love you again but I’m ready to find myself first.

Ans 26 and 27 came in a flash- I’m living with my friends again, I’m traveling and I’m moving back home to find a different version of me again.

28 I was starting to be ready to settle down and you weren’t around anymore but I was getting used to that for once. I was living alone again and loving every moment of it. I was hiking every weekend, day drinking and starting my photography business.

And then 29 came and he came into my life without me even knowing and showed me a love I didn’t know I could have. We travelled and loved and dreamed.

And my youth passed me by, 30 and 31 have already gone with a flash. I’m getting a little more scared of the future. I’m seeing the fragile way of  life with my family and my friends.
People get older, loved ones pass on and memories fade softly.

In my 32nd year and I wonder what’s next for my grown up years ?

Your eyes reminded me of snow; cold and impatient. There was a blizzard in your soul waiting to explode.

You were so young... I remember it like yesterday. You held my hand and we laughed about the weather and the clouds above us. You were so naive.

Your lips tasted like mint. They were always there for me when I was down or needed comforting. Waiting to tell me things I needed to hear; a taste of something special for once.

You were so wild. Such a vagabond always looking for the next chapter to write about. Sparks always flew from your heart with passion I could never understand. You were so free.

If this would help me make sense of this disaster that happened I would write forever. I don't know why it had to end this way. I don't know where the adventure went the day you died.

But my heart is like your snowy eyes; cold and distant.
And my lips are chapped and taste like blood from biting my tongue; holding down the tears I've built up in a matter of hours.
And my soul has aged... Wild and free was never for me.
You were so young...

The sky was so clear this morning I could have connected the dots from the Little Dipper to the Big Dipper.

As I drove home from the cafe on the corner... I remembered something I couldn't quite believe I forgot.

I remember the way the morning air felt when we walked across the lawn. After the rain had fallen so hard we could smell the freshness the next day.

I remember the brightness in your eyes when you looked at the map and pointed at this random dot with some strange name and said this was to be our next big adventure.

I remember the smell of your hair as we cuddled under the stars on a clear night just like this morning...

I remembered this because you were there... You were the reason I could connect the dots of constellations so far away.
You were the reason I wasn't afraid of random dots on a map.
You were the reason the rain made me smile...

I just smiled and drove home to think about you... And I hope you're doing okay.