As empty as you feel when your headphones are on
and no music is playing.
As full  as a heart can be,
full enough to hear its beating like the noice a traffic  light makes,
while you are waiting for it to switch from red to green.
As full as lungs filled with air but still...
you feel like you are not able to breathe.


Longing to pour it all out,
to shout it out loud until your throat hurts
like it does after singing that one song at a karaoke bar.

But your lips remain sealed
and words stuck between thoughts.
Thoughts so loud,
you can't even remember the sound of your voice anymore.

As hopeless as the thick air on that 1st January morining
when you walk down the empty streets,
knowing this isn't a new beginning.
As quiet as the big city life seems
when you are lying ****** on the ground
with the right people around.

As painful as not being able to tell
if you are made out of atoms
or just a concept.
As surreal as feeling alive.

I could be more like milk and honey,
but I'm somewhere between nothing and affection
just like water and oil.

Everything i reach out for,
everything i touch,
becomes water and oil.
Mixed up,
but yet still separate.
Never one.
Not even when you get as close,
as two people can be in this world.
When you are burning holes on each-others
skins and souls.

As messy as hair after world-crashing ***.
As complicated as the ability to understand that emotions
are artificial paradises.
As strong as your longing to puke your brain out.

As hard as not being able to...

Irises dancing like they're on ecstasy,
My whole world continuously moving,
But I can't even tell,
Because I don't even know what still feels like.


Eyelids as heavy
As a dead body sinking in
the middle of the blue liquid nothing,
Where I gaze at my always shaking reflection
And don't even recognize myself.

All shades of dark  under my eyes
Where devils run circles,
Where melancholy rests in peace while creating a seductive hell.

Inhale furiously, exhale softly
the burning lust of a cigarette.
Smoking the toxic memories
From the first one you lit up,
to the red-hot one between your fingers.
Addicted to the flaming feelings that simply faded,
from red to grey,
from glowing to ash.
3 minutes of calm
and the never ending space left between them..

A bittersweet smile touches my lips softly
As I run my fingers through the scars on my pale skin
My heart plays drum and bass
As I turn the pages of my favorite book and they stick together because someone spilled coke on them
All the drunk nights creating a liquid rush
As I sip cold whisky-coke
My senses getting high
When I smell a just litten up joint
Feeling alive while being able to remember
Shaking, thinking about the day I won't

When your body temperature so high you're burning a hole onto your bed,
but still shaking because cold storms constantly crawl down your whole being.
Hugging yourself trying to hold everything together,
But every single bone hurts,
like you've been running a city marathon.
My throat dry and swollen,
failing as I try to speak to myself.
I reach for a glass of water,
powerless I moan and tears which seem so cold and pleasant run down my face,
as I realize I'm all alone,
always been, always will.
With all that's left from me,
I try to catch the big red pill on my table,
it hurts while sliding down my throat,
I close my eyes and fade
away..

It's midnight and I hit the pause button,
Strech,
move slowly to the window.
Pull out a cigarette of my yellow box and light it up.
Fresh air touches my half naked body,
Tense skin, cherry-red *******.

It's almost 1am so I take my medicine,
White pill, blue pill, orange one, 25 drops
Bitter lips, thirsty mouth.
Lights turn off and I get  between soft, silk  sheets.

Heavy breathing, salty skin.
It's 02:07 as i scream for help,
Silent whispers of confusion as I realize it isn't real.
It's 02:40 I've got fire in my belly and ice in my chest.
Olive-green emptiness in my ****** eyes,
Close them tight
As I pour and shatter.

Her lips taste like sparkling wine,
Eyes glowing like painted skies,
Her touch like summer rain,
She lost in her beautiful mind,
Smashing me with electric smiles,
I take her hand and let her walk me through hell,
She burns like fire,
But smells like sunny winter days.

I still feel cold,
As cold as we felt after skinny dipping that summer night,
But your arms are not wrapped around my naked body.
I can't feel your breath on my neck.
I can't feel the way your skin reacts with crazy goosebumps every time water drops from my wet hair slide down your chest.
I am tired of trying to remember the sound of your voice,
Exhausted of closing my eyes so tight till being able to see whole galaxies,
But still not capable of a sharp picture of your face.
I see shades of green but none of them matches your eyes.
I force my skin to remember the warmth of your touch,
but I still feel cold.

Reactions become routines,
and I didn't even know,
until your existence challenged mine.
Scary in oh a such beautiful way,
how all of my 5 senses react,         as I hide  my face between your sheets,
and they smell like strong morning coffee.
Terrifying how you make me feel
as dizzy as I get after seven perfect Manhattans,
when your hands get lost in the curves of my body.
My mouth jailed in ecstasy on your skin,
My lips wanting to write a story on your cage of bones,
Almost using the words I am afraid of even thinking .
Almost.

I am a great half alive tragedy,
A hole with a body,
A silence with a voice,
A being without the human.
I drag my nails down my skin,
making sure i am still here,
but I still remain a hartbeating nothing.
Until it crashes me,
And my throat gets dry,
And my lungs burn like August sun,
And my heartbeat echoes,
And my stomach feels empty and full at the same time,
And all the tears I‘ve been holding back wet my eyes in just a blink,
And I can hear my heart cracking,
And I can feel my numbness healing it again.