I feel the craters in my mind.
Becoming whole again.
For just one brief moment.
I am sane.
Again I can feel.
Whole.
Happines.
Purpose.
But just like the tides, I am pulled.
Back out, into the darkness.
In my mind.
Floating in a sea of self pitty.
In a sea of sorrow.
Never to truly drown.
But merely drift in limbo.
Watch hopelessly as the world ends.
As the last breathe I take leaves.
I will always know.
I was never meant to be here.

Dreams of you and I entangled.
Still to haunt my mind.
Waking from a dead cold rest.
To find.
Your gone, with time.
Gone with all my ryhmes.
But over try I will.
Until my heart stops and time stands.
For you left my heart.
But it's never left you.
Lonely cradles filled with whimpers.
Never to rock again.
Pull the trigger, to begin again.

The love you let go...
The love you let slip by...
The love that you lost...
The love that tore you apart...
The love that broke you down...
The love that taught you something...
The love that showed you.
Showed you when to let go...
When to be free...
Within her arms...
The love that ruined you...
The love that used you...
That love that burned you...
That love that ****** you dry...
That love that taught you right from wrong...
The love that broke you down...
Down so far, that your ladder is broken to the top...
Your confidence...
Broken...
Climb as you will... or as you may...
But the ladder, us still battered and broken, just as your heart and your life is...
You feel the brokenness, in everyone you see...
Nothing can save them...
Just as you...
Can't save yourself...
Try and try and try as you must...
It's all worthless...
Just as I am...
Just as you are...
Just as we all are...
Humanity is a Cancer...
There's no cure...
But extinction... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The morning funk I always feel.
Early in the a.m.
As soon as my eyes open.
As soon as I hear that alarm.
The alarm that will ring.
On and on and on.
For the rest of my ******* life.
Friday's funk.
I'll try again tomorrow.

To breathe fire to your life.
To see love light your life.
To be love.
To be growth.
To be forever passionate.
To the beauty all around us.


To break the chains that hold us.
Downing all we can to escape.
The endless fear we have.

Question everything that doesn't bring you some sense of release.

As I sit and watch the people stroll.
In and out.
Seeing their pain from a hard day.
Slowly roll away as they come out.
Bottle in hand.
Finally, something to ease the pain.
Finally, something to ease the pain.
Something that kills from the inside.
Just like they want.
Poison and **** the inside.
So that the body will no longer function.
So that they no longer care to fight.
No longer care at all.
Except for the bottle, swinging in hand.
I need to break free before I swell.
Like the hands of a diabetic.
Like the stomach of a hungry child.
I need to break free before I myself am swimming in the well with the rest of then in hell....

It all ends.
Just like that drink you sip.
Just like that cigarette you smoke.
As slow as you can.
Just to savor the flavour.
But that will end.
As it all will.
The reason of it all.
Is still lost in the sauce.
Just like all of us.
The sauce that's slowly dissipating.
The taste that's gone sour.
Instead of spicy.
It all ends.
Your palate adjust.
Your life adjust.
Your family adjust.
We all conform to the idea of the way.
Were all sick.
Were all dying.
Were all headed towards our end.
Some quicker than others.
But etheir ways it's still the same pace.
The fight we fight is all for nothing.
But it's something we all feel we need.
Regardless the need we feel to fight.
It's an illusion.
That's all we are, that's all life is.
An illusion.
Dream, as you will, dream as you will.
Nothing ever matters in the end.
The mistakes you make.
The wrongs you've done
The rights.
The remorse.
The love.
Nothing matters, it all ends sometime.
So why care in the begining.  
Who knows why we try.
Or why we care.
It all ends....

Saturday night.
I was dragged to hell.
Unlike the hell you've read about.
A hell all around us.

Monsters in disguise as humans.
Laughter in the sound of ghouls.
Smiles on the face of goblins.

The devil himself dosed me.
And thus began the trip
The trip into hell. An internal hell.

Still I bleed the same and feel the same
But my mind is still in the trip.
A false reality.
Or is it real?

Unwind and let loose.
Loose.
To the constant noose.
Around my throat.
Around my life.

For what will come loose.
When the knot is pulled free.
A gasp of air.
A sight of freedom.
Or is it a glimspe of life.

Forever lingering on the cusp of Love and Hate, within myself.
Forever searching in the abyss, in everyone.
To see which ones deep and dark like mine.

Why feel anything at all if, at any moment, it, your life, your love, everything, is subject to change at the drop of a pen, at the blink of an eye, at the flutter of a doves feather. Forever is a lie.. A lie told with first loves or friendships. The only thing that is constant is death........

To this stool I sit upon.
Heavy is the head.
That wears the crown..


Heavy is the heart that bares the love.
The love lost.
The love forgotten.


Forget the pain.
Cover it,with blame..
Cover it with shame..


Love again.
But it's nothing true.
Nothing, that could not make you feel.

I am addicted to you.
I am addicted to happiness.
Happiness I find in the taste.
The taste of you.


I am addicted to the sensation of your skin against mine.
The taste of your lips against my lips, constantly linger.
The simplicity of my addiction for this being, is unimaginable.
The simple smell of her perfume, the way she holds herself.


My addiction goes deeper than just physical meanings.
My addiction runs to my soul.
This addiction, which we call love, ether way it's the same way.
Consumes me, It fulfills my deepest desires.


My addiction will be the end of me.
It will suffocate me and drain me, until I am no more.
Sadness and realization go hand in hand, both make you stronger.
My addiction is life, love, happiness, pain, sorrow, and to never leave someone behind, never betray them....

Let it go.
Free yourself.
Don't be stepped on.
Any longer.
Be real.
Be raw.
Be honest.
Not only to others but, be fully honest to yourself.
Be aware, always.
Be strong, always.
And no that the moment is in the here and now.
Not tomorrow.
Not next week.
Now.
Right now.
Just be

I've been trying to write.
But every time I go to write.
I fail to bring my point across.
Even though opinions or...
Actions don't really matter.


Everytime I go to write.
I get hit with, why does it matter?
Why even try to express or feel.
Why.
Death is endless so let me rest there.


I've sunken again.
Just with one brief thought of you.
Death fills my mind.
Planing the ways to do it
Not to others. To myself.


For I never feel worthy.
I never feel I will ever love again.
Loneliness is my love now.
And here I shall reside.
Until a brighter day rises.

I'm hopeless.
With a heart full of cahos.
And a dream bigger than my being.
Headed for destruction.
In a lake of fire I am dammed to be.

Forever dreaming of a place of peace.

Behind the screen. If I were to write.
You barely read my hand writing.
For I think faster than I can write.
Or type.

Behind this screen you'd see the joy.
The saddness.
And the pain.
You'd see everything that makes me.
Sane.

You'd see the pages I have filled with.
Love.
Anger.
Hatered.
Dreams and doubt.
You'd see me, inside out.

But with a doubt you'd see.
The lust for love in me.
A deepness that no one can fill.
A black hole to the bitter end.
You'd see.

For beyond this screen I have dreamed.
Of a life with love and no agony.
With a woman who would set me free.
You'd see all the truth in me.
For I do not wear a bow or crown.
I do not bow for the serpent now.
I have never wore a mask to be a clown.
I have always just shoved my feelings down..

It seems at a young age. I saw.
That music is something I could grasp.
Something that is endless.
Unlike our human body.
It's passed down.
From generation to generation.
Always changing with the times.
Always morphing for the agenda.
Underground lies the true talent.

A space that seems to be filled.
With what?
Who knows?
It's not me inside my head.
A demon it might be.
Indeed I am no longer sure.
Doubtful in myself.
Yet hopeful for everyone else.
Split down the middle between love.
And hate...
Wandering while wasting away.
Shadowed by my own shame.

Hopeful for what?
I'm not certain.
Lost forever but still seeking a way out.
Judged by many but loved for much more than is known.
Wishing to feel love like a child again.
Brave.
Careless.
Free.
But now there some uncertainty.
Unsure of these people.
Unsure of my self.
But before you fall in love you.
You must be sure she is the one.
For you have been fooled many times.
You have been fearless of pain.
In the name of love.
But now you coward in shame.
Pointing the finger and blaming the game.
Become what you are.
A fool.
A jester.
But laugh at me, as you will.
I've got love on my mind and a soul to fill.....

The first page of the story. Tells you nothing of how it will end.

Sometimes in life.
I wish I could log out.
Lay low for away.
Be forgotten for a few, days, months.
Years.