Puberty,
May be a reason.
But wondering gay or straight,
Is in my mind treason.
My body says gay,
But my soul says straight.
My mind says ignore it,
But which do I want to date?
Is it ok, to have need to be gay,
But have a want to be straight.
It's the opposite for most,
But for me I boast,
That I want to be straight, not gay.
If you are gay,
Tell me...
Is being straight okay?

As it begins,
The wolves may howl,
As it burns and soaks,
The cheese grows fowl,
The problems creep,
The changes keep,
And the world’s,
Is a bullet proof vest,
That will calm predator or prey,
That will calm moon or day,
This is about,
A rhythm in colors,
A sun in a moon,
A soothing cocoon,
The item is itself,
Inside your mind,
Repeating itself,
This is a sign.
No matter what,
when down don’t frown,
write a poem,
and count on the sound!

How do you know,
If someone likes you,
And you like them too,
How do you know,
That dream won't be real,
That alarm you might feel,
How do you know,
That you can see the future,
That a pet you can nurturem
How do you know,
Who you really are,
If reality is really far,
How do you know...what to be in this world...if you want to be many things?
Well I'd be doctor,
To stay nice and healthy,
So I can live longer,
And be a little wealthy,
Then I will be a pharmacist,
To create medicines to help not age,
Then maybe a physicist,
To get a nice medical degree page,
And then after that,
I want to build that,
Robots galore,
Turn me into one?  Sure!
Stamping around the floor,
I am now immortal,
Is that an alien portal?
And then I woke up...Dang it!!!

I don't know the proper way,
To mature either standing or lay,
In your mental and emotional stance,
This is where my maturity prance,
Yet I feel still a child,
My thoughts of the world run wild,
What I have seen,
Has not kept clean,
Nor has been,
A profound win,
I am at a loss,
For the things crawling towards me,
In my mind,
Do they notice me,
Why my fate,
Has no date,
With destiny,
Or correction,
I am not surprised,
I already know who I am,
I already know my future,
This said with a slam,
Slamming shut my curiosity,
Life is no longer the boss of me,
When I know it's tricks,
When I know how it can hurt with stones and sticks,
So what to say,
Where my maturity already lay.
Feeling it tomorrow,
Feeling it today.

What's that?
In the distance?
A life?
That's distant.
That's different.
That's dumb.
Existence.
Just finish this.
Where am I?
Why am I here?
Where all I know is to cry...
And also to fear.
Where all I see...
Is the end is near.
Over here,
Over there.
Overgrowth.
Taken unfair.
New.
A smoky rising.
To corrupt the lesser.
New.
A ideal rising.
To corrupt the blesser.
It's not a rue.
There is more than a few.
So call to the angels.
Call to the gods.
Call to whatever,
Even if it's not a facaude.
You see me staring off,
Something in the distance.
The fake ideal,
Of love and praise.
Falling out,
Through the haze.
My ideals and desires,
Floating down.
Paper scraps.
They make me frown.
So what do I see,
Just barely in the distance.
Me.

When you want their soul,
What personality they take on,
As their life's special tole,
Look into their eyes.
Of course,
I am basing this off of somebody,
But this is for everybody
Gift this following to a person you like:
Eyes so precious,
Even on the inside luscious,
I wouldn't take a brush to this,
Your already art,
A sculpture in part,
You make anyone whole,
Make their heart beat from the start,
A shard of glass,
Giving the sun pass,
And outshine a rainbow,
Stream of joy from head to toe,
You make my jaw drop,
From the top to bottom,
A work of fiction,
Imagination's beauty,
The imperfect
Yet perfect,
Depiction.

When you don't play basketball,
That is a social downfall,
When you don't play fortnite,
People tell you to play every night,
Why can't I relate,
To my fellow guys who talk about a date,
All they do is talk about fights,
Roast each other without rights,
To whom can say what,
About girls and buts,
I feel bad for some girls,
Who have guys after them in swirls,
I try to be nice to them every moment,
She is a sweet friend,
And even though I have feelings for her too,
I don't want her to be my boo,
Will she start hating me?
Am I showing them too much glee?
Some guys are just nuts,
Others get into ruts,
I don't like how they act,
I am annoyed by both genders sometimes,
But that's not why I am writing these rhymes,
What I want to say is be equal,
And compliment good people.
One more thing...Is it okay to not like watching sports?
Have a semi-racist joke but not be racist?
Read books and do work,
But play games where gamers lurk,
I am white and not cool?
Why do they not believe!
I am Puerto Rican!
I only got semi-popular,
By winning roast battles,
I hate when they boast,
Because it rattles,
I don't want to be friendly.
All I try to be is nice.
But when people annoy me it will suffice,
With hyper and random actions,
Messing around with friend groups and factions.
On myself I need traction,
I wish I could stop,
No I don't want to be on top,
Of the game or fame,
That's mainly fake,
Like the rake,
Plastic cake,
For God sake,
Shutup.

I have legos,
I have toys,
I have videogames,
I have food,
But barely any is what I need or want.
I am spoiled,
I am insulted,
They are kind,
Then they are sour,
They are ok with me
Then they hate me,
My parents,
My aunt and uncle,
They adopted me,
I don't know if the care for me,
They give me stuff,
The reason to shut me up,
I wonder if I just need some attention.
Maybe a childhood.
But no.
It's too late.
My life rate: I can't.
I won't.
I don't,
Because I have my future in mind.
Leave everything behind.
I'll be an author,
Maybe a poet,
I haven't actually tried to write deep poetry,
I just make little rhymes,
Telling my troubles,
But why should anyone care?
My kindness and hate are both not rare.
Life isn't fair.
Saying that doesn't make it better.
I am definitely not grateful for what made my life go like this.  
But at least I didn't experience some types of business.
Life, destiny, fate, god, myself, everybody else.
I am not grateful,
If you made me as dead inside as I am.
All I have left is self-pride.
Even that's corrupted and terrible.
My ungratefulness is unbearable.
Why do people think it's still careable?

There are drugs.
There are pugs.
But my addiction,
Is not fiction.
Technically it is,
Since it's fantasy.
Maybe it's clear,
What my addiction issue to see.
But actually,
It's videogames.
I have a problem,
That requires medical help.
If I even see a videogame,
I will yelp.
Because otherwise I will waste my life away,
And I will not let that happen today.
But maybe I could play for a few minutes...

Burning in my throat,
Burning in my chest.
Is it just my guilt?
Or am I not at my best?
Lots of mistakes,
Lots of regrets.
I keep making more,
A failure in the wets.
Never drying up.
Still sensitive as a droplet.
Falling into a hole.
Dug by what will follow it.
But I fight to not wallow in it,
Otherwise I might drown.
I only stay heartless.
Or angry,
Just not a frown.

Remember that girl I told you about?
Rejected me three times?
Well, even when I liked I had problems with her...
When she gets obsessed with something she always makes me try it,
And never have I ever liked it,
I don't want to read twilight or harry potter!
I am sorry, but I am not your daughter!
I am guy who used like you,
But even then I kinda had spite for you,
Leave me alone don't force me to do this,
Quit saying your tired every day we have been through this!
I don't hate her, or want to date her.
But I just can't deal with her anymore,
I listen to her when I want to ignore.
Why do I do this?
It's just a bore.
I just realized that at some point...if any relationship happened...I would be easily annoyed.

My light star bright,
Taking me through the night,
You are my spotlight and the string in my kite
Moon and Day,
I wish and I pray,
You think of me and I think of you.
For you are the poems,
All are true.
You think of me and I think of you.

Underneath,
You may find,
That you keep,
Going blind,
To yourself,
To those who care,
To those who know,
For me nobody's there,
But for you,
There must be hope,
I will try to give,
Though I choke,
From the disgusting,
Of myself,
And those around,
I can't be helped,
But you can,
Stay happy,
Don't let your heart be dead,
From the day you were born,
For me it was destiny,
But for you it is your responsibility,
You can do this,
I am already a lost cause,
But for you,
Take a pause,
My suffering and terror,
Is a loss,
But of yourself,
You are a boss,
You have a talent,
Whatever it may be,
Share it with the world,
And if you don't think it's working,
Stop but keep your Glee,
Because you can always remember,
You can do better than me.

Time.
Give me piece.
Just feel the falling.
Just to hear the calling.
Just to sense the stalling.
The tolling of bells.
Where we give in to sells.
Let me see.
What it is like.
To be a force.
That is not yet completed.
For no amount of time.
Can fix lost time.
Not one of my rhyme.
Not one sour lime.
So I just tell my story.
From sad, to gory.
I don't deserve glory.
Cause the things I am given now bore me.
So don't give more to me.
Unless it is true,
Not just lore or sympathy.
So come only with heart and soul.
If you could have the need to help.
Then give me sweet call.
A lovable Yelp.
I am joking.
Yet I am not.
So give me what I previously sought.
So I could have a strong distraction from my thought.
And also...a signable direction.
Towards this thing that is called affection.

I won't do anything,
To help those in need,
But I beg and plead,
Put the weight on a stead,
To carry me,
Into a sight to see,
Of all this hatred,
This pain,
This suffering,
"Solved" by me,
Although I can,
Help a lot,
I have before,
Haven't been caught,
I just don't,
Wanna take credit,
For others work,
And then forget it,
I wanna be remembered,
In a friend's heart,
For a welcome embrace,
Or a friendly start,
Not the one,
Who made them feel ****,
About their insecurities,
Then say I fixed their heart.

When we look,
At what we've took,
And what we haven't,
The balance is shook,
We classify,
Organize,
Only to feel,
The universes next surprise,
When we try,
To open our mind,
See with our naked eye,
The expanse,
That some think is just lie,
It may make some of us cry,
For no reason,
How else can we deal,
With no reason,
As it breaks our heart,
And drives our mind,
We truly are,
In forever blind,
Forever signed,
To a purpose that,
Can never be resigned,
It breaks itself,
And bends,
But never a yelp,
Of understanding,
Of truth,
It'll take too long to know,
The entirety of this youth.

Let's take another go at this.
Anxiety,
PTSD,
ADHD,
Already therapy,
I have taken many pills,
Also for allergies,
I am an analogy,
Of a cracked rock,
Emotionally unstable,
Mental lock,
I have watched and seen,
I am in no way mentally clean,
I have seen or heard it all,
Sorry too busy wasting to call,
I am a strong downfall,
Even to my adoptive parents,
I am not helpful,
I am doubtful,
I make lives miserable,
No I'm not likable,
All my peers to me are not relatable,
Even my destiny is fatable,
Fallable,
I am not who you want,
Need,
Like,
No.
I am a coward.
I am lazy.
I am only above-average,
But below everywhere else,
I am scared if the dark,
Insomnia,
Sleep?
Death?
I'm calling to yah,
Give me a new life tommorow,
One where I am better,
Haven't done any childhood wrong,
Please.

It is Valentines soon,
I am alone and feel like a buffoon.
I am not lonely for friends,
I am lonely for ends that bend, trip, criss-cross, and fend.
Romantic books,
make it feel easy,
but in these days,
it's not lemon squeezy.
My friends have talents that make girls barely balance.
I am romantic as war is to peace.
I can't and I won't.
Words to express are caught in my throat.
My heart does not float.
This is truth that I have wrote.

What a thief,
From the outside,
Has stolen and crumbled,
Causing the genocide,
Of my heart,
And self-appreciation,
What sat in in my,
Emotional station,
What has been stolen,
Deep down inside me,
Has no warranty,
Can no longer abide by me,
It is my true happiness,
Wrecked by insults and sappiness,
All it releases is selflessness,
No this isn't a phase,
It isn't a stage,
Those really aren't things,
Just like bragging and bling,
They drive me down,
I am too tired to get back up,
Where am I now?
Destroyed...I have no more love.

Stuck in depression.
That's what they say.
But it's not depression.
It's the thoughts I deal with everyday.
I am not immune.
To hurt and pain.
I wish I was.
No more fear, no more rain.
In my soul,
Where was my purity?
Where was my childhood,
Where was my safety?
I could say save me,
But there is too much to save.
Too strong for me,
The sadness is a rave.
When is there not a negative?
An inappropriate thought?
A confusing thought?
An abusing thought?
Phycological pain.
They say is common.
But I have multiple in one stain.
Anxiety.
Controlling.
OCD.
ADHD.
PTSD.
Depression.
Confusi­on with inapropriate darkness is the makeup of my mind
Please help me.
Is what I hope to say.
But I don't use hope.
Because this I cannot receive today.
Or any other place in my life of which I lay.
I hate trying.
I gave up on crying.
Look up to the Willow, is it spying?
Mentally insane,
Believing in things that only cause pain.
I am insightful, but not mature enough to follow the right lane.
So why mind?
Why can't you find
Kindess to my own soul.
All I can take is a toll.
So I am still stuck.
In a random, just like this poem.
That might hit you like a truck.

I say failure if I trip,
But when the realization makes me stop,
That when I make a real big slip,
I understand what it is to really flop,
I tried out blunt,
I know I am the runt,
Still I thought I could,
And I wish I would,
Have gotten her favorite flower,
Ask her best friend to help me talk to her,
All I could do,
Was just be happy when my heart became stew,
And it was cooked to be burnt,
What I thought may be a flirt,
Was really just sadness,
Hiding in the madness,
But hey it's okay,
It's just life in it's fray,
I'm just gonna say,
That it will happen...one day.

I would like to make something.
Something for you and me.
Something creative.
An activity.
What would you say,
With a good description.
Would be your perfect,
Society depiction.
Make a fun,
Meaningful fiction.
Of your personal utopia.
A place,
Of a happy place affliction.

I'm lazy,
Argumentative,
I drain,
From their incentive,
I'm a pain,
And overly sensitive,
But not enough,
When it comes to pets,
Not an "animal person",
Just not into vets,
I'm so terrible,
yes oh yes,
The worst,
yes oh yes,
Adhd,
Anxiety,
Intrusive thoughts,
Please help me,
No medication,
For the thoughts,
"It's electronics",
Your brain rots,
They hate me,
When I make,
Any sort,
Of mistake,
He blames me,
When somethings missing,
Why can't I be left,
Left alone,
Given privacy,
In our home,
Can't close my door,
Can't have food,
Suspicious to have water,
I wish I could,
Just be left,
To my own devices,
But it's on me,
It's my fault,
That I'm called names,
By an adult,
"Wack",
He sometimes says,
"Lord Help Me".
I need prayers,
Though he never prays,
Outside of me being weird,
I'm a demon for these days.
"Can't wait till you leave",
I can't wait too,
I'm spoiled?
You don't like me though,
It's true.
I'm always the bad one,
Never defended,
Only attacked,
Then I can't be offended?
Okay.

I do some weird things.
I say some weird things.
I am bored and looking for a reaction.
My habits floored and looking for a faction.
I haven't had anyone to hang out with since I was seven.
And that best friend was exiled when I was eleven.
So now I wait.
Ponder what it would be like in heaven.
Then I state.
I am annoying and irritating, disgusting and rude.
Smart alic, stupid, and never really a dude.
I wish I was better, not so crude.
But I have not pushed past my limits,
So I stay in a feud.
Each thing I do only in a mood.
I have no real friends,
Problems without that being pursued.
I mean I have nobody I hang out with.
Probably nobody who to me wouldn't have a doubt with.
I think I can just go without this.
But I don't know if this loneliness is what I am about with.
I try to talk an make jokes.
Yet I am not funny, and my ideas are just yolks.
I am not relate-able.
Just debatable.
And for most people.
Disliked and seen as unstable.

Amognst the blaze,
Light shall stand,
The color of those,
Who see the void,
Are being dragged,
Towards it like a ragged,
Broken toy,
But you can fix,
Without either hurt,
Turn the gravity,
To the light,
Hope of peace,
If only our golden stars,
In that void,
Famous and infamous,
Could say the words,
Could breathe the words,
That MLK,
Could spill,
Into our hearts.
I got cussed out by a kid when I was walking by a kindergarten center.
Influence of our givers,
Givers of physical life,
Teaching us darkness,
When we should first experience light,
That is another importance,
What we first learn,
Is to cry,
But if it is someday relieved with true and bright happiness,
We no longer need the void.
Now do you see the power,
Of not a hurting fight,
But a fight to show light,
To an unforgiving world,
Though we do not deserve forgiveness,
We can still spark hope in the shattered pieces of its heart, Places where the sun can't reach,
But humanity's light can.

So as I said,
That there will never be a day,
Where the darkness will devour me as prey,
I mean to say,
That because the crazy mind in my fray,
I am viewed as an equal,
Undefeatable,
Uncontrollable,
But still invadable.
It can show it's self,
Disturbing and disgusting thoughts,
But the damage,
Is only an effect,
Not an affect.
Does that make sense?
As insensible as the blocking fog I described,
Ocean of craziness in a strong side,
Thought can be sensed,
But cannot sense the blocking,
Surpressing,
Unlike emotions like hope or anger,
Fear or any other familiar stranger,
That can be beaten,
Or turned as an ally,
Or weapon to darkness that lie,
It is only a mental sensation,
That I can use or have any time in the day.
Like the darkness,
Only when it is thought of,
Can it become part temporarily,
In my brain.

There it sat,
To my left,
A great big heft,
To carry the middle,
Not the right,
Left grew to a widdle,
It's bones very light,
Even with all her might,
She couldn't take flight,
But she can still fight,
Her muscles still tight,
If you put her in the air,
She could be a kite,
In her sight,
All that was left,
Was a back to the corner,
The background paper white,
The light was so bright,
It shone to a new height,
Even in the night,
She stays to the left,
She never goes right,
Because there is nothing left.

Is it allowed for someone to like a friend,
A friend that upon you depend,
A hand that she will sometimes lend,
When I am felling down and with a frown,
I could give her I shiny crown,
Because she is the Queen of me,
Her eyes is as far as I can see,
Her double ear piercing just makes her cuter,
I'm thinking bout' her as I type on this computer,
If I went deaf I still couldn't mute her,
Her soft tone won't leave me alone,
Wait though hold the phone,
If I try again will she hate,
But maybe she might even date me,
Although she could reject me,
And that could really affect me,
I have nowhere to avoid her,
Cause' her songs defend me like a lawyer,
Against the stress and anxiety,
Oh dear what's wrong with me,
This feeling doesn't belong with me,
I will never get to help her through,
Whatever she needs and where to go to,
I am her puppet that's set,
She controls me in her sweet net,
I am glad that she's who I met,
And seriously there is no bet,
That am just an outlet to her,
Not something for warmth when she may shiver and stir,
In the cold of this world,
If asked out she would have hurled,
And then at home I would have curled,
Into a sad little ball,
Depression in my home's hall,
Should I text or call,
Or should I say it in person,
Because she might think there is nothing worse than,
...me.
But what can I say except she's pretty and she's witty and she is funny in tune,
To her I must be a buffoon,
She is just a full-on cocoon,
Of laughing and wondrous moon,
I see her most days at noon,
I have looked at many websites,
For advice and how to be "cooler" many nights,
For advice at how to a good friend,
For a friendship how to re-mend,
In case my worshiping fails,
My heart is broken with hails,
And you know what,
That might be ok,
Actually no...that kinda wouldn't?
I don't know.

You know racism.
Stereotypes.
But doesn't it ****.
When you realize.
That in the situation.
It actually fits them.
I thought it wasn't supposed to.
I thought it wasn't true.
But then again.
Why would they make them?
If it didn't happen?
Judging others.
Said to be a dumb fence.
But when it's true.
Does that mean it's an offense?
People of another race.
Are usually rude to me.
I am white.
Also Puertorican.
But who would think I was?
And who they was.
Isn't that unfair.
That they were what is thought as bad as a swear.
What can you do?
When bad stereotypes and actions.
Just keeps passing down.
It makes me frown.
Makes me feel like.
Being open-minded.
Is just a clown.
I don't like it when it's true.
It makes those people who say it is.
Not just a rue.
I am not going to be like them of course.
But it is annoying.
When it's as true as the source.

It's fine.
It's okay.
Everything,
Is good today.
It's good to know,
That I'm not as low,
As my mind,
Wants me to go,
And so a row,
Through a new sea,
Hopefully,
To make others happy,
Being kind,
Once again,
Finding myself,
Where I've already been.

She didn't want this.
Neither did he.
Nor deserve.
Or need.
Yet the void,
Can still plant it's seed.
In a child's heart,
Watch their life's light bleed.
Even in the purest,
Darkness is corrupting.
People claw,
In different directions.
For power,
For their control over other's views.
Opinions and feeling don't matter,
To those with a strong void emotion,
It is a vile potion.
That which is dranken,
When people do true wrong.
Act true wrong.
Even feel true wrong,
It is a song,
That is sung,
Until someone,
Stops the multiple singers who sung,
The true tune,
That is the call of the void.
And even the smallest acts power it.

What do I do,
If she makes my brain coo,
If her singing calms me,
Breaking through my ADHD,
Her beauty is a sight to see,
Her personality is my heart's key,
I may be only 12,
But into her heart I wish to delve,
And make her feel like a goddess,
About her I can't be modest,
I friendzoned myself...I thought I would fail so I texted can we be friends... she said you don't have to be sorry for liking me.
Do I try again,
With all these cooler kids,
The decision is in mids',
I could say I love her,
There is no girl above her,
Her sweet voice is a lure,
And I am the weird fish,
With her as my wish,
She doesn't judge me,
My heart slows when she will nudge me,
She makes my life have a drive,
And I will compliment her if I am alive,
Her name is cyrille,
I need her for real,
Hug me if you will,
I will only go still,
How I now feel,
Is I need to know,
Will she just be a bro,
I'll be "Ok" if she says no,
But her eyes,
They don't tell me lies,
They are true happy in disguise,
I would tie her shoe ties,
She represents blue skies,
I never liked anyone really,
To be truly honest,
So of her I am fondest,
When she sings,
The stress no longer rings,
Her voice,
I must say isn't just "Noice",
It's the diamond made of crystal,
Pure and nature whistle,
I want to try again,
I might be made fun of by my peers,
Insults in both ears,
She might not just want to be known,
As the girl that made ME not alone,
As she sits on the throne,
...I just sit as that one traffic cone...,
Tell me if I should try,
Or sit alone and cry,
To her I might not fly,
If you don't like my offering,
All ask is...why and what's wrong with me.

So...should I try again?  Please say if I should, and if you know her don't tell her about this...this is personal business.  I don't want to just ask her for a kiss, but if she needs one I can help.  If she needs homework done I can help.  If she needs anything (almost) I can help.

Here was a test,
And here was my failure.
As my random grows stronger,
And my kindness goes paler.
People I knew,
I considered friends,
Two kids who were nice,
Friendly in deep ends,
I said something terrible.
I feel guilty,
It's unbearable.
It made more then one thing crack,
My voice and my hope with one wack,
It's one thing I lack,
Patience,
Everyday.
I must think before I say.
Though I don't get better anyway,
So skip from day to day,
It's why I say I try,
Because when I promise I will,
I'm singing an old lie,
I did come to cry,
Give my life a sigh.
'Cause I said something racist.
Unprovoked.
And I don't know why.

I have multiple personalities.
I am not saying this as a belief,
More than it is reality.
Each one,
Has their own actuality.
I chose one.
To be my true normality.
I may not be in the state the most,
But it's the only one I can boast,
Where I can be somewhat positive.
I think it's better than my most.
It's when I am calm,
And in my best mood.
At this time,
I am usually never rude.
Kindness and happiness.
Is finally pursued.

It is music to my ears,
To know that you are happy.
Unless you're my heart's tears,
Then you make me sappy.
I may say I am selfless,
But really I am not.
I only talk about my troubles,
It was always in my thought.
For people who hate me,
I always understood.
For people who like me,
I never understood.
You could?
You should?
You would.
You would if I were a completely different person,
With less issues and more talent.
That may not be you,
Or you,
But maybe you.
You know why,
Deep down my true emotion isn't care?
Music helps me.
Motivates me.
To fight staying who I am.
But I know I can't.
You can.
Do whatever it takes.
Whatever peaceful and unhurtable method motivates you,
To be better.
That is music to my ears.

Shape of life,
Shape of world,
Void is true,
Politics rue,
4 years,
We can start anew,
A better hope,
For patriots few,
The vines creep,
To destroy what is left,
Reminiscent,
Of the country's cleft.
As they fight,
Empowering the wrong,
Not making the country right,
Our leaders cause nothing but trouble,
If only to relate,
To the idea of hate,
Hating on their threats,
No noble opponents,
No honorable selection,
It's not good for a future election,
People hope to come soon.
Thought of doubt,
Thought of heart,
We can survive this,
With a new start.

One problem I have.
That is feature in everyone's minds.
Is how ideas connect.
This is how negatives spread.
Became part of...sensation memory?
Like any sort of tingle,
Pleasing thought...
Immediatley judged and corrupted by my mind.
And for any weird or displeasing thought,
Connected to the strands of my pleasing and positive thought...
Where is the escape from thought?
One solution I need...
How to make sure certain thoughts don't become permanent.
How to block of connections...
Of the thoughts I don't like sent.
Where is the technology and intelligence I was promised?
That could give me the pleasing purity I missed...

Another year.
Then another 4.
I start tommorow.
I'd rather kiss the floor.
They ask if I'm excited.
Oh I just wanna soar!
What do you think?
That I have actual friends?
Well now that depends.
All I have are fake friends.
Nobody to hangout with at ends.
I am so social look at these sends!
I just try to get by.
All I want to do is say bye.
All I can do is lie.
Because I can't get out of this.
This waste of time.
Hit me in the head with chime.
I still won't be positive.
This is not how I want to live.
But I don't have control.
Control of what I go through.
It's as terrible as coal.
Why do I need to do this?
It is honestly useless.
Education is unbearable.
My peers are not standable!
I am going through torture.
I could learn so much easier alone.
I know it help my future!
If you changed this stupid tone!
That I listen to everyday.
Annoying so much that I pray.
For an online course take me away.
This is dumb.
This is wrong.
To put kids through this for so long.
This is how real life is huh?  
I get told that all the time.
But it doesn't have to be this way!
We could see a better day!
Just fix education please.
It brings me down to their knees.
And doesn't let me rise.
You wonder why it's mostly cries?
Complaing?
Lies?
Explaining?
Because this stuff can't fit true needs.
Needs to make thing easier.
More efficient.
Breasier.
More enjoyable done.
QUICKER!
That's a positive for my happy sun.
I don't need more assignments.
Just more assistance.
I want to be witness.
To this simple change.
Before I become.
A complete derange.

Yes.
This is a simple right,
A simple bless.
I cannot understand,
Why some people can't be better.
Be more open.
This makes me redder.
Frustration.
I can't have open mind.
When all my mind does is grind.
So loud it absorbs my life to fixing.
So I judge.
Because I don't have time to learn to not.
So this shall be a tied knot.
Till the rope ends.
Because the mind fraying is not a depended.
It is a for sure until end.
So I don't mean to offend.  
I mean to help.
Not to hurt.
But to lift out of the dirt.
I don't know why I exist, or humans in general.
But I have a few depressing insightful theories.
Nothing is going to overseer me.
And if there is,
It deserves not exist.
For what it has done.
I could give a long list.
But that would result in nothing,
Not even fun.
Weigh my soul by a ton.
Not by guilt.
But by phycological pain.
Don't judge.
Or else you may judge yourself.
I do.

I wonder,
If a positive life,
Is really true,
If someone could really,
Have that view,
But still go through,
Terrible realizations,
Facts and opinions,
Negative situations,
And still understand,
Feel sympathy,
Even feel empathy,
While still being positive,
Not being attracted,
Towards the dark,
Or negative,
Not be affected,
Or being effected,
By life experiences.
To a person like this,
I cannot understand,
Nor feel hope,
From the very idea,
Or thought,
Of this lifestyle,
But I have a want or wonder if you are real,
And I feel the need,
To know you are,
That may give me a seed,
A temporary hope,
A nice mirage,
That will help temporarily cope,
With my existence,
For a little while.

My home,
Up in there,
With the darkness,
That has been a share,
In my poems,
It isn't rare.
The home in my mind,
Is full.
Too thick,
To push or pull.
It is dark,
*****,
Empty of light.
And so,
It is so insensible,
That it's entrance,
Is inaccessible,
Because,
It isn't sensible,
There are so many blocks,
No sense can reach in,
But the entrance can be open,
When reminded of,
Or spoken of,
And they temporarily walk around,
Without control,
Because my brain is crazy to be controlled,
But they can show themselves,
Until they go back in,
The darkness not anymore thin.
I can use a block of my own,
That it hates,
A sensation,
Not feeling,
But mentally created,
Now this may be debated,
But a temporary mental nervana,
Caused by the craziness,
Making a haziness,
So thick,
That the thoughts can't show,
Only travel,
Without sense of the fog,
But the fog destroying it's sense.  
The darkness can't get around this.
Which is okay,
For me to know,
That never a day,
Will come where the darkness has devoured me as prey.

Drown in tears,
Drown in love,
Drown in fears,
From above,
From below,
Sad fellow,
Simply bellow,
Against the pain,
Against the lack,
Just show your best,
Against your own,
Want to slack,
Pick up,
And push ahead,
Because if you let go,
You'll only feel lead.
Poisoned wine,
Oh so fine,
Don't fall off,
The balance line,
Cause there is no net,
Within your life,
To catch your fall,
Only strife.

It's shiver.
It's a spur.
Inappropriate.
Some cure.
Help.
Good sir.
Hello madam.
I'm a child.
Much to wild.
Thought I was mild.
I thought ridiculous.
When I said insane.
But now there is,
Something wrong with my brain.
Casausing any respect,
To just be pain.
It's taking reign.
The lazy.
The original.
Becoming worse.
And closing as main.
Taking control,
Of I what I had stole,
Tried to fix,
Now it just licks,
Teasing the end.
I tried to stop,
No more depend
But now I have sunk,
Into the deep end.
I don't think I can fend.
I tried to defend,
Any progress I'd made,
But now to others,
I just offend,
What is been paid,
My effort,
Small bit of sanity,
Now it's debt.
My mind decomposing.
Reasoning opposing.
****** context corroding.
No more coding.
No more to help.
I am out of what I need.
I don't know what it is.
The sanity I no longer bleed?
The voice I didn't feed?
My mind is hazy.
You can really call me crazy,
Cause I really feel it breaking,
No longer stopping forsaking.
I can't stop faking.
The lies will continue raking.
The stories continue taking.
No more trust.
I am now in rust.
I hurt.
The only people who may have liked me,
Probably felt bad for me.
That's most likely.
A lot of people,
May think I am just a steeple,
Something to have crumble,
Climb over,
To meet actual people.
I ruin any social contact.
Where did I sign,
Can I burn the contract?
I don't like this.
It was worthless.
Doomed from the beginning.
You can insert this.
Into a record of the failures.
I don't need friends.
I need to leave.
Only believe.
In my imagination.
I can't escape,
What is me.
Sorry.
I hope my classmates see this.
I apologise.
For the trouble I caused.
I'll never get better.
I want to stay paused.
Muted.
Because only then,
Can people accept me,
So I am sorry.
I wish I was better.
But it was done long ago.
The tendrils in stone.
I am irratation to the bone.
Hide me in a cone.
Never contact me,
I am used to it.
Don't need you to phone.
I'd rather stay alone.

Too many,
In the dark,
Imagination,
Cold and Stark,
I no longer cry,
Except inside,
But I have,
Nowhere to hide.
They creep up,
From dark,
From the cold,
From the Stark,
Disgusting thought,
Romantic or frantic,
It preys on my mind,
Maybe my mind on my soul,
Because when you can't,
Think of anything,
That won't turn,
Into the everything,
Of the wrong,
It has become,
Too much.
And you have become,
Too much.
I cannot be handled,
While I struggle,
To get out the rubble,
Fade way,
To a land far away,
I was like this,
Before I even existed.
Socially,
I have no one.
Because no one,
Can can except even one,
Minute of me.
What I see,
Is the futility,
Of me trying,
Of me crying,
Of me prying out the terrible,
Unbearable,
Thoughts of me,
Thoughts in me,
Thoughts carried with me.
It's too much,
To fight.
Too much,
For flight.
Hope?
No light.
Too much,
So much,
That that light no longer exists.
In me.
But maybe in others,
It is there.
That is fair.
You can use it,
As a drive,
Not a path,
But a motivation.
Like a vacation.
Too much for me,
Not enough for you.
Yet.