If nobody believed in love...
Why would anyone want to live?

F. Scott Fitzgerald said it perfectly.
"And in the end, we were all just humans.. drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokeness."

I can say without a doubt Fitzgerald  knew his fair share of love and love lost.

Just like me...
Loving you, was my greatest lesson.
As I learned that even though you are broken my love, as endless As it was for you... I could never heal your brokeness.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real when you woke up you didn't know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true wasn't, and what you thought wasn't true was. Would you retreat into your dreams with the hope of finding a more perfect reality? Sometimes life is stranger than a dream, and the only way to wake up is to face what lies are hidden in your soul. And you can only hope that in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone.

Maybe I'm just use to dysfunction.
Maybe you're to **** good to me.
You keep so much to yourself though.
Rip through me.

You come home and you're always nice..

If I'm being honest..
It all feels a bit too right..
When you come home, we play it safe..
Kiss, Kiss..
Something's missing..
Hit then miss..
Now I don't know what happens next..
Watch a movie, have some ***..
Never know what's going on inside that mind of yours.
I don't wanna start a fight with you.
but you walk the line with me and I  can't stay in the lines.

Go on..
Say it to my face, then.
I wanna feel something.
Get mad,
Do something,
Maybe start complaining.
Make me go insane, then.

Is this all we know?
Is it all we're use too?
Why does it feel as if somethings missing then.

I thought for sure the day I stopped loving you, my heart would turn to stone.
But alas my heart is simply on fire.
No longer burning for you.
I just wish that I could set you on fire.
Or maybe just turn you into stone.
Decisions, decisions.

There are still nights that despite my greatest of efforts,
The memories of you sneak out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

When I think of you.

That song about mercy comes to mind.

I wish you had given me some.

When I hear this song..
I picture us cruising at midnight..
Windows down..
Nothing but midnight air..
That pushes back my hair..
Not a cloud in the sky..
Just you by my side..

All my emotions are bare..
In this midnight love affair..
Your all I've ever wanted..
And...
In this moment its like our hearts smile in agreement
As you reach for my hand..

I can't help but look over at you...
As that smile warms me from the inside...
My eyes wear my hearts reflection...
as they search yours...
Is this real?
I'll ask the heavens a million times..
But until then..
I'll just go on ahead and love you...
Until the end of time....

When I was a little girl..
I always believed that monsters slept underneath my bed.
As I've grown, I realized they were never sleeping under my bed.
They were actually sleeping in my head.

As I drove through a small town in oregon, I couldn't help but pull over and stop.
I don't know what came over me..
But I had to stop.
I got out of my car.
Stood next to a lonely and deserted highway.
And took in everything around me.
All the trees were different shades of red..
Some were yellow with hues of orange.
Simply put, it took my breath away..

I listened as the wind picked up..
I listened to the rustling of all the fallen leaves swirling around at my feet.

I listened to the stream that was nearby..
The urgency of water rushing over bolders and rocks..
Oh, My Beautiful oregon..
I'm going to miss everything about you.


It was a rare moment in my life where I felt completely conflicted...

This was my home...

How foolish of me not to realize I'd actually be this torn.

I knew that with me closing the final door and chapter on a part of my life...
That space needed to happen for me..
I knew..
I couldn't stay...
In beautiful..
Rich..
Intoxicating
Invigorating..
Peaceful..
Oregon.­.

It was this truth that brought tears to my eyes..
As I watched the sun rise...
It was a truth I guess I let slip my mind.

...
So I made a silent promise to myself..

I promised myself..
That someday...
Someday in the future..
I'd return...
To the only place I ever really considered home.

My Sweet Oregon.

How I hate the word passion.
Everything it is...
It's awful sting...

It is the source of our finest moments.
The joy.
The love.
The clarity of hatred.
The ecstacy of grief.

Sometimes it hurts more than you can bear.
If I,
If we,
Could live without passion,
Maybe then we'd know some kind of peace...

But then again..
Without passion
I'd be..
We'd be..
Hollow empty shells..
Vacant empty rooms..
Locked away with nothingness.
Dark and dank...


Without passion...
I'd be...
We'd be..
Truly dead....


But then again..
Maybe I already am..

What happened to us?
I don't know who I am anymore...
Or how I got here...
I miss who I use to be...
I wanna have a home again...
You know?
With..
Real friends...
The kind of friends you use to believe in...
I miss that...
And I miss you...

I guess I just miss all of it...

This **** got me feeling some type of way...
And I felt compelled to say..
Swallow my thoughts..
******* words..
And if it's too nasty spit it back at me..
I want you to feel just how I feel..
I want you to know...
That if you let me...
You sure as hell wont regret me...
****, if you let me...
You'll never forget me...
Please don't act like you know me..
All you know is word of mouth...
That doesn't mean you know me...
All that means...
Is you know someones ****** up portrayal of me...


I feel like I'm on stage...
Performing in front of a bunch of clowns...
Talking a bunch of ****..
Cuz you've got me all wrong...
I'm aint no clown...
I know my name's getting tossed around...
My personal business is just in everyone's ears...

And At this point...
I'm just above all this ****..
My head is in the clouds...
I've been through it all...
31 years young and I've been through it all...
The fails, the falls...
Are you surprised??
I'm like Niagara...
look closely...
I got right back up like ******...
I'm still standing...

So, Stop trying to shoot me down..

How could you ever really know my story?
You've never been in my shoes...
Don't you know no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong....
You see some bad...
I'm honestly just a soul whose intentions are good...

So go ahead...
Love me or hate me...
I swear it won't make or break me...
You have no idea where my head was in that battle...
I was just trying to stay ahead of my shadow...

Truth is...
I lost everything, but I ain't the only one...
Don't care what you try and say...
That's life...
That's just how the **** it goes...
I knocked, and hope wasen't there...
Love was gone but maybe it was never there...

So, who the hell are you to judge?
Didn't you know...
First came the hurricane, then the morning sun?

But its cool now, its fine...
I'm no longer angry...
I'm no longer floating like a boat without a paddle...
I'm just cool like LA nights...
Speaking nothing but truth to you,
high as a kite...

Ya know...
You shouldn't use words you don't understand...
Like..
Loss..
Heartache..
&
Hopelessness.

It only makes you look foolish.
Don't talk to me about things you've never experienced.
Don't use words you don't understand.
Don't sit here and talk to me about loss.
Because you don't know the first thing about it.


Real loss only happens when you've loved someone more than you love yourself.

You'd never get it..
Unless you were fed it..
Pointed fingers guilty again..

Constantly running away...
Even when its staring you in the face..
Now you're here, alone and you don't know why..
Under skinned knees and a bruised ego...
Confliction becomes you.

Passing all the places where her smile lightened your midnight sky...
You howl and but never listened...
But now you listen and wait, for the
Echoes of your angel who...
Wont return..

Left with nothing but the taste of regret in your mouth...
You feel empty, but don't know why..

So you wait for someone..
To put you back together..
Waiting...
For someone to push you away...
There's always another wound to discover...

You lost your angel..
But she means nothing to you..
You let her slip right on by...
You just sat tight...
And watched it all unwind..
Just like every other time...
Even though....
She's only what you've been asking for...
But that's right you'll be just fine..
With all of your smug time...
No big deal...
Even though..
She's only what you've been waiting for...

Regret seeps in..
Knocks you right off your feet..
Tears of fury seep down your cheeks.
Still so angry at all those angels That'll never return.

Foolish pride wins again..

Burning the wings of yet another angel who held your love.

Maybe I got ahead of myself..
I fell asleep just now...
And I woke up and it was like you were right there..
In front of me..
Touching my lips with your fingertips.
Wiping a tear from my cheek.

I felt my body relax underneath your touch.
I felt my life's purpose come back into focus.
I saw us old and in rocking chairs.
Side by side, with lemonade in our glasses...

Your wrinkly hand in mine...

It was all right there..
Right there in front of me...
It was so real...

But it ended so fast..
Reality stripped me of a chance to  stay with you..
If only, it were in my dreams...
Even if it had been fake...
Seeing the blue of your eyes again..
Was like whiplash...
Jolting me back to life.
As if I'd been underwater this whole time and I had just come up for air...

So you've hit rock bottom.

Have you realized it yet?

Have you caught your breath yet?

Are you learning to breath again?

I've watched from a distance. I watched it all unfold around you.

I've seen the ground crumble and shatter beneath your feet.

I don't call this karma. I don't rejoice in your suffering.

Watching life knock you to the ground is not something that warms my heart.

I want to reach for you. I feel that same pull on my heart and it wants nothing more than to pull you up on your two feet and to breath life back into you. To fill you again with a love that could bring you back to life....  

But my hand retracts...as the remembrance of your hurtful words come flooding back into my mind.

The dark cloud of memories soars in and circles me. The sleepless nights, the tear soaked pillows, the plague of emptiness and heartache. It knocks me off my feet and I'm torn.

What am I to do? You destroyed me, and turned me to ash.

So my love will remain here with me. Locked away deep for no one to see. Avoiding your blazing fire that has burned me so many times for getting to close.

I pray Gods Love lifts you up. And I'm only sorry it couldn't be mine...

George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

Obviously, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice, in his life.

But when you experience it yourself, what are you going to do give up? Quit? No. Not me.

I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are.
You may feel as if you're lost.
As if you've lost yourself.
But we're never lost forever.
And that pain you feel? That ache in your stomach...
That sting in your heart....
That's life.
The confusion and fear?
That's there to remind you of one very important thing.
And that is that somewhere out there, is something better, and it's not always going to be easily found or easy to happen.
But it will, and that something is worth fighting for.

I shouldn't feel this..
I'm a drunk mess.
But I shouldn't feel this.
Let's just hope I don't remember this.

Job offer from a high profile company I don't deserve this?
Do I? Im unsure I'd like some honest answers to this.

Why do I feel the urge to call you explain all of this..
Oh, that's right you never loved me you're not interested in knowing this.
I have to remember I was alone in all this.
You know..
Loving you investing in all this.
I guess my heart still wants to share all my happiness..
This much is true I guess..
I'm drunk on wine such a mess.
So I'll hide my phone till morning better judgement and all the reasons I will never call you..
Yes.

I miss sleep.
I miss the peace that comes with it.
Erasing the day.
Running rapid in the world of my subconscious.
Those days seem so far away.

I find myself running on empty.
On pure fumes.
My thoughts are endless.
Bringing me to the cliffs of mania.
All my wants, needs, goals and things I want to accomplish keep me up until the sun peeks through my window pane.

I'm swimming in my own pool of exhaustion because my success hangs at my finger tips.

I find myself unable to shut it off.
The desire.
The passion, and determination that fuels me to wake up everyday.
But,
I am simply put, tired of running inside my head 24/7.


I want to slow down.
But my need to succeed wins again.
Overpowering my need to slow things down.

I wish you knew what it felt like to walk into a room, notice every color of every detail on every wall.
To hear every sound, even the unnoticeable fly that circles round.
The endless chatter of passing people.
The entrance doors that squeak when you walk through the door.
Knowing every exit to every room.
It drives me crazy to notice so much.
If only for just a moment I knew how to quiet the mind and drown out the sound.
The sound of life all around me..
And how crazy this all sounds.

Keep looking, you're never going to find me in someone else.

When you're here with me, there's really no other place I'd dream to be.
Wrap yourself up in me.
Peel back your mind.
Lower your walls for just a short period of time. Tell me all your secrets, hopes, and dreams.

Tell me all the good things about you and all the bad things too.
Your disappointments and your fears.

Then as your shoulders soften and lower, and you feel that heavy weight you usually carry fade...
Hug me a little tighter, and let me love every inch of you, filling all the holes of your insecurities and all the things you think you lack.

My best dreams,
and my nightmares...
Always have the same people in them...



You.

As light crept into my bedroom window..
I slowly blinked my tired eyes open..
I instantly regretted waking up again without you..
I remembered that this time last year you were with me... In my arms and I remember feeling...
Whole... Complete...
Thanking the heavens for you...

But here I lie once again without you..
Wondering where you are...
And if you're thinking about me...


I wonder if my heart will ever forget to remember.....
That I can't remember to forget you....

Its going to be one of those familiar nights again...
I'm sleepy but I can't find my dream.
The one where I'm not searching..
Searching for you...

Sometimes I lie awake at night..
Hoping and praying this will all fade..
But each day and night passes..
and I still feel the same..

My dad was right you know...
When he called it a soul tie...
Its cruel really, if you think about it..
It can't be undone..

But that doesn't stop me from asking..
Those fundamental questions...

Why do I still love you?
Why do I still care?
After all you've put me through and everything you've done...
The irreversible pain you've caused me that cannot be undone.

Unfortunately for me...
These are not the questions and thoughts my heart seems to ponder..
For my mind sees everything of which my heart cannot bother.


Copyright.
of HappyEnding

Time is my biggest issue right now...
I feel like my life is..
Forever on pause.
I hate this place..
I hate coming home...
I want my new life to start...
I want this place to become a distant memory...
A forgotten Atlantis city...
Swallowed up and buried..
By the raging sea...

If I could just speed up time..
This would allow my brain to sleep..
To regroup..
To erase all the fake friends...
Erase you...
Erase what I felt for you that wasent true...
Wasent real...
All I need is time to pass me by...
But...
Time is keeping me prisoner...
everyday testing me...
Is there no end..
To this hellish chapter?
I've won that long drawn out battle..
I've proven myself...
To God..
And everyone else...


I want to retire..
Let me close my eyes...
And sleep...
Forgetting all the...
Monsters and freaks..
That always seem to creep...
Let me bury this chapter deep...
So that I can..
Finally be free.

I blinked my tired eyes open...
One morning...
In September...
I felt instantly different...
Something that had been there with Me...
For so long...
Was gone...
Just like that...
That one morning in September...

I'll never forget that day...
The day I stopped loving you....

It was the first morning in years,
That my mind didn't immediately go to you...
It was the first morning...
I didn't feel that same dull ache deep... Within my heart...
It was the first morning l didn't cry...
Not even a single tear...
And it was on this morning that
I realized..
I finally let you go...


I suddenly just knew....
That I would never spend another night...
Comparing myself to the girl you left me for...
Over analyzing...
Sleep deprived..
Maybe even a little
Crazed...

Never again...
Would..
I..
Spend another day...
Looking...
Searching...
For something that didn't exsist...
No more hoping..
To find even a shred of evidence that you loved me...
Even if it was in the most tiniest of measures...

You know nothing of Heartbreak...
And how it brought me to my knees...
Worst fears realized...
I was nothing but a ghost...
Stuck in limbo...


I  hated you for a long *** time...

I remember...
Going back and forth...
Between my heart and mind...
Arguing over you having an ugly heart...
And no soul...

No soul,
Behind those beautiful blue eyes...
I didn't want to believe that...
About you...
Let alone let that be my last memory of you..

But what are you to do when someone leaves you in ruin?
What do you tell yourself?
What would you have me believe?
You left..
Nothing behind but grief...

I knew you didn't give a ****...
I know you still don't...
I know you feel some kind of validation in everything you've done...
And thats where we're...
Too entirely different people...
I could never do that to someone
I loved..

So..
You gave me no choice...
I let go when..
You forced..
Me..
To doubt everything we shared..
To question your feelings for me..
Cant you see?


To question...
The one person you once loved more than life itself....
It does something to you..
It's nothing shy of a hell...
I'd never wish on anyone...


It was the hardest battle...
I'd ever faced...
But I overcame it...

On that sweet September Morning...
I came alive again...
Because I let go...
Because...
I let you go...

Ive accepted you may have never loved me...
But I can't say the same..
So..
Before you even realize it..
I'll be gone...
And I want you to know that despite everything...
And no matter what you go through..
In life..
Without me...
If you ever one day in the far future.. find yourself..
Thinking about me..
On a cool summers day...
When the crickets begin to sing...
Know that you were loved indefinitely...
In the best way any person could ever be loved...
Even if that person...
Was simply
Just me...

To anyone with a broken heart...
If ever you find yourself on your bedroom floor at 3am with those uncontrollable tears running down your cheeks.
And you find that your fingertips are blistered from trying to claw yourself out of your own skin...
I want you to realize that love is only a verb.
It's going to hurt like hell, but realize just because he said he loved you, doesn't mean he ever actually did.
Love is much more than beautifully painted words.
Love is shown through actions.

So don't be ashamed of the way your heart dies and how you still may cry for him.
It's not giving him power over you.
Imagine it to be like a great flood washing away the old you.
Carefully...
sometimes even painfully,
Washing away all the wickedness, sorrow and pain he left behind.
Soon becoming forgotten..
A distant memory.

And you will become his biggest regret...
Once the realization set's in...
That he lost you..
And every attempt to find you in someone else will fail..
Because you won't be found.

I'd rather be hard to love.
Than easy to leave.

Out on the dance floor.
Flashing lights.
A tad intoxicated.
You always say you can't dance but here you are with me dancing by my side.

You pull me close as the beat drops.
I start moving my hips about.
Loving the feel of your hands on my body.
Pulling me against you as if you'd have your way with me right there.

Everyone around us fades as you turn me around bend down and kiss me.
You're so intoxicating.
The way you make me feel so alive is simply addicting.

You pull back and smile at me just happy to be with me.
I watch as you start silly white boy dancing in front of me.
No rhythm, outdated moves,
all because you know it'll make me laugh.
It was that very moment I fell for you.

You're crashin' into me like waves on the coast..
Its hard not to notice..
Its hard not to be swept up..
Every time we talk, you move in close
I don't want you stop..
I feel myself become so guarded..
But its hard not to be swept up...
We've got the last two glasses in this small dive bar..
Tryin' to remember where we are..
String of white christmas lights making your eyes shine tonight...

We're buzzing like that no vacancy sign out front...
Your presence is nothing short of electric...
I'm getting scared now..
As you take my hand in yours..
you lean in and...
Your lips taste like a whiskey day dream...

Happy drunks pass us down the hallway...
We fall against the door, we fall into a wild, hot, warm, kiss...

My body fights it but I just can't enough...
You've awakened something long...
I have forgot..
To afraid to feel..
With a heart that has long forgotten how to feel...

My head is spinning trying to figure out what's right...
Do I hold on to an old love thats been holding me down...
I can't seem to let go...
But your nowhere in sight...

Santa came early this year..
He brought me you...
He brought me Christmas..

I placed my heart in your hands..
That summer, long ago.
So naive.. so pure before I let myself go.

It was there I fell for you.
Behind that Oklahoma sky.
In love with a man who had the devils grin.

These are all faded memories, scattered, deep within my mind. Places I never visit.
Places I never give any of my time.

The only evidence left in these memories, is one undeniable truth...
.
If you had never ripped my heart in two,
I would have never become bran new.

I had no idea who I was back then.
All I knew was that I loved you.

Who knew,
That I’d find strength from the pain.

I have you to thank for showing me my greatest lesson I’ve learned thus far.
Thank you for breaking my heart, it was the worst pain I’d ever felt.

It took you not loving me at all, for me to fully and completely, love myself.

Wide awake at night.
I hold the weight of a heavy heart.
Numb to my core.
I can't bare this anymore.
Pain with every breath.
With each passing moment.
The gapping wound that is my heart, just  longing for you.
Tears cant fall but sadness seeps out, every pore.
I cannot break this bond between me and you.
I am lost in this world without you.
Stumbling, falling, reaching for you.
What was I to do?
You turned your back on me.
You turned your back on love.
I lay in ruin, drowning in the memory of you...the memory of us.
Cut me open, take what's left of my heart.
Take it with you. I don't need it anymore.
It will always belong to you.


My impulsive decisions to end us... keep me in a prison of regret.

So I cut myself open. Forced reason into this barley beating heart. Then Sliced deeper as I signed the dotted line.
All, Because I could no longer stand it. I could no longer wait. For you to realize...

Me...
Love..
Friendship..
Passion..
Our Fire...

But,
You never came.
I waited..
Silently, each and every night.
As my heart hoped for an impossible dream.

But that is what happens when one is naive.
Reality struck like a landslide of truth ripping me from my precious hope filled dreams, and it was in this moment that I knew....

You'd never come for me...

I thought of you today...
****...
It’s been at least a year...

Thanks to Halsey...
But I can’t complain..
Music is beautiful that way..

In the sense where a song can be so beautifully written, with lyrics that depict all the things you experienced, and especially all that you wanted to say but couldn’t.

****...
(I hold back a laugh...)
This is kind of painful...
I shake you off.
My heart only associates you with pain.
I won’t let myself go back there.
But I can’t deny these lyrics.....
Because they were our story for the longest time...


I am speechless because I never expected a song to pull that ******* the heart strings of my past.

I'm uneasy tonight..
And I couldnt tell you..
Why..

My skin crawling..
I'm uncomfortable...
I cant pin point it..
Where is this coming from..
I'm just uneasy tonight..
Maybe its because..
I know your there..
No **** that..
It cant be that...
I simply do not care..
Maybe its just today..
Maybe its all the **** I'm suppressing..
I've had one glass of wine..
Been awake since 3:40..
Maybe its surfacing...
The fact that I'm really leaving..
Leaving all this behind..
Its real..
It's happening..
I'm moving..
Its happening faster..
Than a blink of an eye...
I hate change...
I feel like I cant breathe...
******* its worsening..
Why did I drink that glass of wine..

Its time to lay down...
Digest..
What I cant seem to swallow..
Today has been nothing but hollow..
I feel panicked and sorrow..
I have to stay positive...
I need to swallow...
Exhale panic..
Inhale my sole purpose..
Remember that all my dreams..
I'm meant to follow...
But not here...
Not were pain lives..

Breathe...
Look forward to tomorrow...
Tonights horror is not meant..
For you to swallow.

I see you looking down..
Feeling like your nothing but a let down..
Have you lost your will?
Your will to carry on..
To put one foot in front of the other..
To get out of bed everyday...
To pretend in every way...
Pretend to give a ****..
Pretend to care about...
Anything and everything..


Are you searching...
Searching for anything...
To fill the void...
Fill the emptiness..
Fill the hurt...
Fill the ache from heartbreak..

Do you find yourself..
Trying to erase the guilt..
Erase the memories..
Do your failures play over in your
Mind like an old sitcom stuck on repeat...

Have you lost yourself...
Maybe even your mind..
Have you lost your smile..
Have you lost all hope...

Are you reaching for peace...
Reaching for solace...
Reaching for better days..

Do you hate it when people say..
I know how you feel...

Well I do...
And I'm sorry you feel this way..
Take it from someone who knows
Just how hopeless life can really get...
My message to you if no one has told you...

Life will get better...
Your life does in fact matter...
No matter...
Your color..
Your size..
Or gender..
If no one has told you..
Then let me...

Your beautiful..
Your worthy..
Your vibrant..
Unique...
Your situation is not who you are..
And it doesn't define you...
Your brave..
Your strong..
And your life matters to
Me..