my love, can I ask you why?
why the stars I wait to see keeps shining even when the moon goes faint
why the stars last so long
why some die a quiet death, but some fall
and why it was easy to say you no longer love me the way you used to?
even when I chose to love you everyday, even when it hurts–especially when it hurts.

And there's this sense of uneasiness by just the mention of that name,
a name I so badly want to bury and remember no more
just one look and we both know
who it is that still lurks in the depths of your mind

It's 10:30 and I'm typing this down. Yes, I am thinking of you. I think of you before I sleep and I think of you when I wake up. I miss you quite more than I show you when we meet. If I could, I would have never let you go. I would have held you then kissed you until you run out of breath or possibility to the point where you can't feel your lips anymore but just mine. I want to make you mine in all ways possible. And believe me, I will. That's why I'm looking forward to someday. Someday we'll have those adventures, we'll travel, we'll try new things. We'll get lost and scream at the top of our lungs. We'll forget what we left behind and just be with each other. Talk about the most random things, talk about the things that matter most. Or maybe not talk… maybe just lay under the stars me in your arms, doing things till we fall asleep... I want to know what bothers you. I want to know how you view the world. I want to explore you and dive in you. In your embrace, in your voice, in your smell– in my solace. Please take me away. Please save me from my thoughts. I imagine great beautiful things of how our someday would be but I also have these thoughts that won't let me sleep without me talking to you. I'm sorry if I bother you. I'm sorry if I am. I hope you find time to not be lazy for me. I hope you'll be patient with the ever clingy girl who loves you very much. I hope that I make you happy. I hope that I'll always be the only one even if there are a lot of girls where you are. I hope you believe that we can make it until someday. I hope that you love me too. Because my thoughts are killing me thinking of the possibility that you might not feel the same way anymore. I may be tired, but I guess I wouldn't be with you. I hope you're sleeping well right now. I hope you dream of me. I hope and pray and wish. Good morning, my solace. I am overthinking again. I wish I can make it stop.

my heart hurts*

and i'm afraid that
that would be the last thing it does

Hello, depression
you came back.

I didn't miss you
but I do remember you
quite too well.

I felt great when I was free of you
I was functioning, I was laughing
I was happy.

No, I do not need to be reminded of how worthless I am
The people who gave up on me have proved it all

No, I do not need to know how terrible I am
I see myself in the mirror everyday
I hide myself and my thoughts everyday

I do not need to know my flaws
because I already feel their presence even in silence
especially in silence

I despise you.
If you're going to **** me, do it quick
not creeping slowly when I'm silent, not when I'm alone, not when I wake up at 3 am, not when I still feel.
Do it. Please do **** me faster
so I'll be rid of you.

they say they miss me
but no one will do anything about it

because I've been missing you lately

baby, do you love me?
even when all these thoughts are cloudy?

baby, do you love me?
because I need you. Please save me.

baby, do you love me?
* I love you very much, my one and only.

Can we go back?*
to our fort
where we hid our secrets and got every chance we could

Can we go back?
to our stage
where no matter how blinding the lights could be, you'd still stare at me

Can we go back?
to our song
where we'd dance and your eyes, god those eyes, would burn down to my heart

Can we go back?
to yesterday
where I was in your arms, drowning in your scent, feeling warmth despite the storm

Can we fast forward?
to tomorrow's morrow
where I can be with you happily without sorrow

someday I will wake up next to you.

oh my, how lovely that sounds
how warm it feels around my heart

someday we won't have to hide.

with me holding your hand as strangers pass by
with me kissing your lips without fear, without second thoughts.

someday we wont have to face the distance

we can finally be together
finally free from their grasp

**but util that someday, I'll have to bear the emptiness when you are gone, the dread of you not being around, and the pure bliss of you finally coming home to me.

my love, you are more.

you are more than the voices inside your head
telling you that
                             you
                                      are
                   ­                           not
                                  ­                    enough.

you are more than their whispers of judgment
                                                        ­                           and
                                                             ­       hatred.

you are more than the words that people tell you
about how
                          you
                               ­        should
                                                          ­be.

you are your own unique vessel

                                  and to be loved is what you deserve.

If you were here,





*God, I just wish you are.

I'm not going to lie, love.
It still hurts.
It hurts me when I remember your lies,
your alibis, you texting her that summer

It hurts me when I remember and what hurts more is that you did it in the first place
Never did I think that you would do that
Never did I think I could be hurt any more than I am, more than I've been

It led to uncertainties, insecurities and gaps
And I honestly have trouble trusting you

Yet I was a fool who was hopelessly in love with you.
Unconditionally forgiving, making amends and running back to you

I could say how I don't deserve it
I could tell you how wrong you are and how low it made me look at you

Yet here I am, loving you even when you hit that lowest point
Even when you've done more than just hurt me

Bear with me, love.
Make me forget.

It's the fear of someone else loving you more than I could that drives me insane.

dark rooms,
dim lights,
both bare

kissing, caressing
engulfing and lavishing
their lover's touch

too afraid that it would be their last
too driven by the ecstasy of being together once more

As it passes,
one fears being forgotten
by the one who means most

clinging she was
to the hope that he hasn't
though doubts enclose her mind
she continues to believe
even without guarantee

she missed him,
probably more than he ever will with her
and it hurt
for all she wanted was to be home
in the arms of someone
who
might
not
feel
the
same

They spend the waking days and setting suns
apart, away
and every day
they yearn for their lover's touch

I wanted to see your eyes,
the eyes that once shone like diamonds in the sun at the sight of me.
The ones I looked at and saw something more,
something beyond.

When I did,
In your eyes,
I found the answer as to why.

It broke a part of me,
Silently but oh so terribly

my hope,
my love,
my stars and moon

I could never finish my thoughts
But for you I would

I loved you with all
my heart,
my might,
my strength.

With body and soul,
with great modesty and devotion.

In a moment my heart broke to more fractions than it already is,
I lost you
Yet I still wonder if I really did have you to begin with

You have that part of me
I'm not sure I could get back

I'm drowning
And you're no longer there to anchor me to safety

You told me that you're mine and mine alone
And I fell asleep hoping to get to see you even if it is just in dreams

The dream started with them
then you appeared
So lean, my only
there was a shift
You didn't see me,
You didn't notice that I exist

You were there, but I felt I wasn't
You were happy and I watch you go
You held her hand as if she was precious
As if she was to be taken away if you didn't

You never did that with me,
Not even in person, not even in dreams

So can you see why I woke with ragged breaths and rapid heart beat

My nightmares was once strange and vivid
And now, all of them are about losing you

*what did you do to me?

I have these wishes that appear to never get fulfilled

Not when I wanted to be happy,
not when I wanted to be okay

I wanna know why
Why is it always like this because right now all I want and
God knows how much

I wish to unmeet you
But then again, things would never be like this if I didn't

And the worst part is I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing at all

I saw the way you looked at beautiful things,
with awe, with interest, with want
And I tried to be beautiful too
I stood up taller, I smiled more
and they wondered why and they finally noticed me
A day came where I was on stage, people's eyes just focused on me
and upon all their stares
Yours was the one I still couldn't have
**When all I wanted was for you to see me too

To me,
you choose her every time you utter her name knowing she's good at the stuff she does
You choose her every time you spend your time with her knowing I don't like her, knowing that everyone thinks it's okay when you spend your time with her and not with me

And I lose you every time we argue about her because when you defend her, you choose her again

**And maybe you will a hundred times more while you tell me lies of you still choosing me.

Bound by flaws and imperfections that are impossible to escape
Entrapped by thoughts both good and bad yet more often worse
Coated by hope through cracks life had made

There was a girl who never asked anyone to stay
For she believed they'd all leave anyway
In winter, as the wind gets colder
So did people
She was engulfed by chaos, disaster and catastrophe
Until him
He was the sun in the dark land
The fire in the cold
The solace on earth
They ran
To be free
To be safe
To be happy
She feared the day they'd drift apart like continents at sea
But then he said "Always."
Kissed her forehead then continued
"Maybe not as constant at the sunset
Or as frequent of the crashing of waves
But as natural as breathing."
And in his loving eyes,
She saw that something gold
Can stay *after all

There was a girl who was scared
Scared to lose everything she loved
She wanted it keep them in her where no one could ever take them
But all the while other people never took them
For they, themselves left
She was sad, she was broken, she was beyond repair
Though that may be her description, she never stopped loving
Until one day she didn't have to feel scared anymore
She was okay with the idea of people leaving
She was okay that one day she may lose them
Maybe she lost sense of the love she once had
But that's what pain gives you, content
She may yearn for the person to be proud of her, to love her like she wants to be
But that's the way it is
She can never do anything to change the unavoidable

You told me you loved me
And I believed you
But as soon as told you I needed you
You walked away
Saying that's not what you want to be -
You didn't want to be needed
And what's the point of you saying you loved me
Then turning away when I need you most

With you, everything is better
And I'm afraid that you have become more -
More than just a world I could get lost in
You are my world and I am not lost, I am found
I am more, I am me and that doesn't bother you
Still, you love me too
I'm a planet and you're more than my moon
You are my entire galaxy.

His are the arms that makes me feel like I am home
His are the lips I wouldn't mind kissing everyday
He is the one I would like to spend my future with

I asked you to talk to me, to call me today.
I said I was going to tell you something.
You didn't care, you took your time.
I got tired of waiting and I just told you.
He said he loved me, love.
He said he was serious. He said that I deserve to be loved.
I don't understand why I feel like he shouldn't.
he loves me
he loves me
he's been telling me everyday
*he's been showing it in any way

Shut, I kept my mouth.
Avoiding you and everything else.
I never liked you and probably never would.
But I don't spread lies like you do.

I will try to be good
But never forget:

darling, even the brightest things cast dark shadows close by
And when that bright thing refuses to shine, you will be ****** to darkness you have never seen.

I fell in love with how the sun's rays caress the sky to which it will leave just to kiss the horizon that it will part from in morning's time.

Just like how I fell inlove with the sound of your voice in our 3 am calls
Ragged and husky just as you were to drift into a nights dream as if somehow caressing me to slumber as well

We were young only you were older
Friends in a different country
Pushed together by parents and language
I was young, young enough to not worry about the way I look, who likes me and who does not
We played a lot
Even barbies your sister and I like
We had family barbecues, outings, swimming–adventures
I told you I loved adventures
You told me you love a girl who loves adventures
I told you I was scared you told me
You like a girl who was scared
You pushed my back  to take me closer to the clouds telling me to hold on to the swings
You were the best friend I had for a summer
three summers to be exact
Then one summer you confessed that it was I you liked
I admit my palms got sweaty and my heart rushed
I was scared
Because earlier that day my family teased me that you were my boyfriend
And I, being young, did not want that
I turned you down
Then stayed from a distance
Then when I grew up a little I would wonder why my cheeks would blush in the thoughts of you
I liked you too but I would never admit that
Then, your mom said you already had a girlfriend
We talked again you said it was true
You said she was pretty that you liked her
But what shocked me is when you told me I was beautiful
But that was how our story ended
Because you had to go away and I, was always traveling
But today made me wonder of you

I never got the reason why I smile whenever I see your face when it has been a long day

I never got the reason why you're the one I look for when the world is falling apart

I never got the reason why I gave you the broken pieces called a heart

I never got the reason why despite the things we go through I decided to fight for you

And I never got the reason why you left me out in the dark without words but just a simple vision of you walking away

We're drifting apart and we're not even continents at sea

I crave for your touch
Because when you hold me
The world stops
Everything is better
And the thoughts disappear

So please, come and save me

Up, I always wanted to go
To be free because no one will know
How far too deep I have gone
Yet I feel that nothing can ever be done
It's like being the shore to which the sea crashes
Like wanting to cover your wrists with a hundred slashes
Under the ocean only to see the light from above
Sadness and dread replacing love
I do not wish to live another day
But then what would they say?
That I was a teen who did not know half of what life could have been
Yet I wish they could have seen
I chose an easy way out
Facing the day with doubt
Thinking that nothing could be worse than the morrow
*Oh, love, please don't live with sorrow

She bled to feel something physically for she is too far gone to be alive.
She bled to find another cause of pain thinking it's better than what's at hand.
She bled for escape from thoughts and pain believing that by bleeding she can be free.
She bled to show her screams for help that cannot be released even if she does not know she needs it.

She bled until she was drained along with her hopes and her spirit
So now being shed for
With tears that can never bring back what is done
Tears of the people who could not see
who could have
who should have
who did not

Yes. It all depends on the her, her actions and her choice but it could change her mind knowing there's something to live for

No, time can never change the fate of life and alas in the end we regret the chances we did not take.

What have we become?
A new generation filled with insincerity, depression and insecurities.
What happened to a lot of things?

To chivalry my dear men?
Going up the steps to a girls house to pick her up
To respect where 'boys will be boys' is not an excuse
Where no means no
Where nudes are not a necessity

To demureness and sophistication my dear ladies?  
Where you don't have to strip down or reveal so much skin to get a boy
Where you don't have to starve to be like someone demanded by society

To fairness and consideration dear teachers?
Where students are not asked to stay up too late and be depressed because of the assignments?

What happened to love?
Has the greed of men conquered peace?
What happened to unity?
Will we always be a divided community?
Bring it back.
The respect
The time where everything was better
Where expression was freedom
Where we are truly at our peak

• That moment when you fought and fought to keep things whole.
But it still wasn't enough because you were alone.
• the story of you and me.

I like balloons
And I hope one day I ride a hot air balloon

Why?

Because when I see them
They remind me of people;
How they keep everything inside them for so long and when they can't take it anymore, they pop.
How they bring joy.
How they don't know they do.
How with the right air, they can fly up the sky and be free.
Yes they may pop or deflate but if you see them as people, they won't if they don't want to.
I like balloons because I want to fly;
Give joy
I want to escape the hurt, the pain, the exhaustion.
I want to be free

To my dearest princess,

             I carried you for nine months bearing all the nausea, mood swings and the pain. And I was there to hear your first cry, a sign that you were alive. I was there when you needed me to sleep, drink and go places. I was there when you were crawling then walking and later on, running. I saw your most embarassing moments, your cutest reaction, your passion, your talents and your dreams. I was there when you felt sad and cried all day and remember how you kept looking for me? I was the one you shared your secrets to. I was there when you went to school and got friends. Then you got older and you started cutting me off and saying that I was lame and nagging. But you forgot that I gave you the things you needed when you were little- all those sleepless nights just to keep you still. I was there when you wanted me there. And I am not going to force you to do the same but I am hoping for your consideration. I was there for your first heart break. It was from a boy you never told me about and now I found out that you gave your everything. Now let me remind you, darling that people make mistakes and what we do after is what matters. You don't need *** to prove that there is love. A proof of love is how much time you spend together and not thinking of it too much because you know you'll wait until you two are wed and are truly each other's. Romance is not just a public post on a social media account about how much he loves you. It's not just about the good morning texts. It's about the days you are at your worst and he sees you as if you're still the angel you are. It's when you are on your baggy shirt and he sees how beautiful you are. It's about the planned, nervous, awkward but fun dates. It's him picking you up at our doorstep and telling me that he'll tale care of you. It's about long hand written love letters, poems and arguements worth fighting about. And if you lost someone, they aren't always meant to stay. It's okay to cry because it's a sign your alive, it's what you did the minute you came to this world. You don't need to harm yourself, I'm here and I think you are golden. You are one of life's precious gifts. Please don't hurt yourself, you don't need other people to prove your worth, you have me. Now I know I may say things that offend you but that's my way of teaching you. I love you, sweetheart and don't think that I don't.  You are capable of living and surving. You were destined to shine as bright as the sun, my princess. Maybe even brighter.

with love,
Mom