Hello.
I’m toxic.
you probably don’t want to know me
i hurt everyone I love.

Hello.
I have an eating disorder.
I skip meals.
I don’t love myself.

Hello.
I can’t let people in.
I’m scared of people knowing me.
So i hide away.

Hello.
I’m unconfident.
I need constant assurance.
Am I bothering you?

Hello.
I’m sad most of the time.
I’m not good at being happy.
Sorry I’m always down.

Hello.
How are you?

Unsure
Not feeling so sure
Skeptical
Feeling insecure
Bashful
Completely intimidated
Fearful
Absolutely trepid
Doubtful
Unconfident and uncertain
Cowardly
Disbelieving
Shy and coy
Hesitant
Incredulous
Questioning everything
Dubious
Scared to death
Timorous
Feeling so unsure


But will I take the risk?

*Sure...

I don't know why many women are subconscious about their appearance
They're far better looking than I am.
I'm not unconfident, i just feel that there is a sense of truth behind this statement
It desperately needed to be said

Maybe it was the fact that you only knew broken English
And that you cried when all your tongue could only come up with blunt Norwegian
Did you cry when all the other first graders thought you were stupid, grandfather?
Was it that which drew you inwards to the growing child
And the growing misunderstanding of communication.
The barrier between elementary school tongues and accents is a large casme in your world.
Was it the marines, the war, the things you saw
that rationed you
Into the secluded soul that you became?
The distant, angry man, husband and father
Who drove cars far away from home
And than raged when you made it home on the weekend.

Was it that which made my father different?
Made him paint the walls of his room black and break windows at seventeen?
The walls of that confining house had never heard yells that loud.
The front door had never been slammed that hard.
Friends' couches became more familiar family members.
Was it that which made him the eclectic artist, unconfident man, funny husband, and tentative father?
Who mentioned specific detailed taste without any context
Who refuses to be challenged
Socially inept, his daughter thought.
Slight asburgers, she thought.
Ungrateful! Selfish! Attitude stricken! He retaliated.
How the **** was he supposed to react?
He never mentioned how much he loved her,
How much she changes his life.

Was it that made her the way she is?
She began becoming familiar with wine bottles and ***** that wasn't chased.
She drank to forget sometimes
She drank to not worry.
She'd say **** more often
And in the rooms of her best friends,
She'd laugh at her circumstances.
Than all she'd say was,
**** THEM ALL
And sipped until the bottom of the bottle was her best friend.

stigma a small six letter word,
but blocks the way;
to unconfident to be heard.
you beastly biased blighted word,
you block the light your so obsurd.

stigma stands blocking our path,
scared alone or scared they'll laugh.
you discust me with your devilish way,
blinding us all through night and day.

stigma move over;
let me soar or fly.
keeping tears blocked to afraid to cry,
I PRAY.

stigma should be shunted,
let's educate the world.
seeking help not stunted,
speak up with spoken word.
I SPEAK.

stigma you shrink and weaken,
as my pain with few I share.
confidence growing faster,
now eased enough not to care.
IT HELPS.

stigma I'd like to see you crumble,
like an old still dry stone wall.
you will never see me stumble,
a voice to listen to all.
A FRIEND.

stigma you no longer have the power,
to quieten us from the 'norm'.
it be boring if all the same,
unique from day us all born.
EMBRACE DIFFERENCE.

stigma now disheveled,
in future hope your gone.
knowledge giving power,
to show us all your wrong .
EQUALITY.

where I was rash and coarse
he was confidently unconfident
so sure of what he didn't know
he was all soft spoken words, wit dripping off of every word
I wanted his soul
I wanted to memorize the way his eyes twinkled with delight when he talked about something he loved
I wanted to be the thing he loved
he wanted to save the world
I wanted to be his
but I wanted to be the noncommittal sag and run and he was oblivious and beautiful
the world seemed to work against us while simultaneously not caring enough to keep us apart
edging us on long enough for me to fall face flat on the pavement of realization and while mending my bruised ego I sourly admit
****
I fell in love with an aquarius

I want to be the flush of cheeks when someone is embarrased
I want to be the unspoken words of the one who just can't say how he feels
I want to be the menagerie of butterflies that swarm in the stomach of the unconfident
I want to be the thought that says **** it in the mind of the one finally takes the next step
I want to be the pen that writes word that no on will ever see
I want to be the uplifting rush of a new romance
I want to be the tender kiss of lovers
I want to be the embrace that says everything is going to be ok
I want to be the goosebumps on the back of the neck of the gently caressed
I want to be the feeling of when you reach out for a body at night and find it there to hold
I want to be the keys on a piano that make the sound of love
I want to be the slient scream of the broken hearted
I want to be the tear that falls the unending distance from face to floor
I want to be the heart beat of the slowly dying
I want to be-

i haven't been able to say it
but,
i hate the way you made me feel
the way you made me feel unconfident
the way you made me feel numb
and
the way you made me feel hatred,
against myself

i really
really
hate
the way you made me
lost myself.

Good
Bad
Up
Down
Neutral
Unsure
Unconfident
Courageous
Curious
Journeying
Tired
Re-energized
Lost
Found
Doubt
Faith
Stifled
Pro­gressing
Learned
Learning
Sought
Seeking
Despaired
Hoping
Unfinis­hed
More

THE LIES OF DARK ANGEL

You oh, Dark Angel, always telling me
how it was so easy being unconfident in life,
where others always had put their trust in my hands,
where true darkness takes its stand,

those old past feelings run deep into the mind,
the touch of pain upon the skin, that makes its way
deep within, where the fingers of time of what is
right and wrong plays out its song,

Oh, Moonlight, you are like a child of the light
that has a message for the slaves,
but only darkness I will only allow them to see,
in the distance the light will shine,

like a white dove that flies on high,
brightness shines deep into your eyes,
to help the blind see how to get away from me,
Moonlight, there is no way I will set you free,
the breath of true will never be,

darkness is the way this game is played,
close your wings and walk over to me,
come and test what it is I give,
come and watch what I will do to the slaves
that pray for death to come,

Come to me Moonlight and play along,
Open your heart to me and I will give you anything
When it comes to darken dreams,
You know I will be all you need if you will only trust me,
You can have it all here in the place of the dark,

That’s when I turned around and said to Dark Angel,
remove your hands off my breast,
you are the creature of the night move aside,
all you ever do is tell lies, to keep others on your side,
but you oh, Dark Angel, you had forgotten I see everything.

Poetic Judy Emery © 2017
The Queen Of Darken Dreams Poetic Lilly Emery

Bring the angels and shine
Bleach the smile and shimmer
I rushed in the isles of the world
I rested halfway through the island
The tiredness of the unforgiving pain
The strain of trying to explain myself
They saw my social awkwardness
They peeped as I hid by a corner
Seldom backwardness is my nature
So so in a world where introversion is a sin

I have never been a fool, just turned down
I have never been unconfident, just confined
I have never been sociable, just a lone wolf
I have never been lonely, just absently present
I have never been old, just youthful at heart

Bring those songs you chatter, take my hand
Banters of a hunter hunt as I revolve cyclically
I pass the ball in this deserted court in a park
I park my back on the decayed timber as I wait
The sire of the ailing livelihood we call life
The site where we watch as the sun illuminate
I saw your sincerity and cocooned you in me
I spoke your language as you pushed me in an abyss
Seldom backwardness is my nature
So so in a world where introversion is a sin

Fear or rejection risks perfection.
One can be so confident
Or unconfident
Perfectly imperfect in someone's eyes
But they will not put anything on the line to get what they want.

Avoiding the risk of failure and potentially deprive you of happiness later.
If you're too scared to put yourself out there and take it as it comes
Then maybe you're not able to handle either outcome.

No risk, no reward
If you don't take the leap you won't have the oppertunity to fly like a bird
If the response truly meant enough to you, it would outweigh the fear and you would follow through.

If you're asking me what to do, that means you need instructions on how to follow through
If you need guidance on this I don't believe it means that much to you.

I can't stop thinking about it
It's not what you said to me
More that you said it to me
You made me feel
Like I could do it
Like you believed in me
Like someone cared
You listened
And you understood

You looked me in the eyes when I told you
Even when my brain told me to look away
Your eyes told me more than what your mouth did
That being unconfident is the worst thing to be
That I should never change myself for others
No one has ever said that to me

Thank you

Fear of going back to my old ways
fear of being too ******* weird
fear of being judged and looking weak
sweety stop.....
you went through 2014..the whole entire ******* year giving yourself advice all the way through
every single day
you thought it would ride out
but it didnt
you had all this information but remained unconfident
the same person
you did'nt step out of your comfort
you didn't allow yourself growth
but today yor'e gonna let yourself feel down
you're gonna feel insecure
you'll feel not good enough
but you already know the deal it will pass
and you are keeping faith that no matter what crap happens
God has already paved the way, and you have to get stabbed a few times, to have wounds to heal, so ride it out right now
your struggle will pass.....

They warn you about heartbreak, love, pregnancy, std, failure.
They warn you about drugs and alcohol but outcasts an issue that's major.
Self-neglect , personality crisis.
Why don't they warn you about the capabilities of losing yourself?
Maintenance of good grades, fulfilling your parents wishes, studying to become something you're not even happy about.
They do not warn you of the consistent mental breakdowns questioning yourself in doubt.
Doubting if this is the correct path for you, doubting your purpose in life.
It's a constant battle between your mind and what you truly desire.
Yet the passion within you thats an array of fire,
Shadows and demoralizes itself.
The restless nights where my mind was a battlefield with constant chaos triggered my insecurities.
Already an emotional wreck there I was losing my sanity because the bigger picture was oblivious and I couldn't see.
Became so unconfident that my work ethic decreased due to my incapability of searching for me.
Why didn't they tell you how hard you become on yourself?
How your mind is your worst enemy and no one can help. That the only one that's degrading you is yourself.
Then they persuade you to chose a field that makes money. They brainwash you into thinking your passion is inferior and belittle your struggles of doing what they demanded you to do.
An outcry for help suppresses while pretending steps into the light.
Persistently interrogated myself,
"Who are you?"
As I look at a reflection covered in incompetence and solicitude,
"You are not defined by the comparison. You are not defined by their wishes. You are not defined by the ridiculed labels."
You are what you truly aspired to be even if your aspiration is still uncertain.
You pave the road of your happiness, of your dreams, of your passion.
Aspire to become true to yourself because you hold the key to your future and that's the only thing that's certain.
Just because it took you a longer time than others doesn't mean you didn't succeed.


-dpk

THE LIES OF DARK ANGEL

You oh, Dark Angel, always telling me
how it was so easy being unconfident in life,
where others always had put their trust in my hands,
where true darkness takes its stand,

those old past feelings run deep into the mind,
the touch of pain upon the skin, that makes its way
deep within, where the fingers of time of what is
right and wrong plays out its song,

Oh, Moonlight, you are like a child of the light
that has a message for the slaves,
but only darkness I will only allow them to see,
in the distance the light will shine,

like a white dove that flies on high,
brightness shines deep into your eyes,
to help the blind see how to get away from me,
Moonlight, there is no way I will set you free,
the breath of true will never be,

darkness is the way this game is played,
close your wings and walk over to me,
come and ***** what it is I give,
come and watch what I will do to the slaves
that pray for death to come,

Come to me Moonlight and play along,
Open your heart to me and I will give you anything
When it comes to darken dreams,
You know I will be all you need if you will only trust me,
You can have it all here in the place of the dark,

That’s when I turned around and said to Dark Angel,
remove your hands off my breast,
you are the creature of the night move aside,
all you ever do is tell lies, to keep others on your side,
but you oh, Dark Angel, you had forgotten I see everything.

Poetic Judy Emery © 2017
The Queen Of Darken Dreams Poetic Lilly Emery

Oh you know her?
She likes you
She wants you
She's into you
Go for it man
Go for it Zack
Go for it Bud
And then, standing,
Choking on the words I pretend to mutter
Sputtering with embarrassment at not being heard
But unable to speak louder
Caged behind a wall of glass emotion
Colorless
Odorless
Painless
The pane holds it in
So I let nothing out
Blank expression
Relaxed body language
Are you tired?
Yeah, I had a late night
Not a lie
But not the truth
Hide behind the sleep
Or the ****
Keep to myself
Who cares to know me?
Listen instead
Learn secrets
Maybe about you
Maybe about other people
Could be interesting
Uninterested
Wonder if I look that way to the customers
They tip well
or not at all
Hard to tell
Spiraling into control
Learning to live again
You've degenerated me
Back to the middle school
version
Timid
Shy
unsure
unconfident
Wanting to escape
Nothing to say
Nothing that would matter to anyone anyway

Someone called me fickle once
In high school
I had to look the word up
In the dictionary
And I didn’t agree
With their assessment
Unsure, yes
Unconfident, always
But fickle? No.
I just wanted
To be liked
You were the fickle one

Once I encountered a white cat in a dream
I was back in high school--a shy, unconfident girl.
I was sitting at a desk against the wall.
That enchanting creature just appeared from nowhere.
It appeared on my lap, incredibly beautiful and alluring.
In a sluggish manner she stretched out her purely white body.
I was mesmerized by her.
I began to stroke her back the length of her body.
The arch of her back continued through her slender tail.
I could feel her elegant curve under my touch---
An inner pliability wrapped in a boneless softness.

She slowly turned around and looked back at me,
Her soul-to-soul gaze stunned me into a state of awareness,
I must have known her for all time, I thought.

That day, when we were in that hotel room,
I was opening my body to you,
and I stretched out my body to the greatest extent.
I crossed my hands under my head,
I lay on my back and looked at you
Your eyes and hands touring my body
I felt a boundless freedom between us
I never felt so shameless
I only wanted to open myself wider to you,
I only wanted to merge into one with you.
I held your head tightly with my arms.
That was the moment when I felt we were almost one---
To rub my burning face against yours,
To exhale my heavy breath near to your ear,
To deeply breathe in your masculine smell,
To dance with you to the most instinctual rhythm...

And suddenly I knew the white cat I encountered in my dream
The white cat
Was my own soul,
And it was you
Who set her free….