the shadow works, 2005-2006
might as well keep them all together ...
a journey through the shadowz ...
through the possessions ...
through the hell ...
through me ...
through!
whew!
during this time, i sought support from an indian medicine man, a shaman, past life regression therapist, and a variety of other spiritual healers ... some of those, narrated in depth, elsewhere ...
the enclosed is probably not of interest to many,
understood, yet offered up,
as a journey,
narrated through times,
via rhymes
Heavy
May 6, 2005
I feel knee deep in a bog
Tackling responsibility for emotions
Are these weights a lesson
Projections reflected
I want things smooth
Light and carefree
I don’t seek control
But expect absence of impact
I can’t buy, reason or work
My way out of this challenge
Each time faced head on
I give up ground and accommodate
To point of compromise
No side is right here
What is, just is
I have my perceptions
And filters
And the weight intensifies
I want to dissolve it
Haven’t figured out how
Depression, heavy
Rooted inside
How do I break free
I feel alone
Even within myself
I don’t know
The reflection
In the mirror
There is a longing to be free
Unchained
Unbound
To live
To sleep
To find balance
Chasm
I want to be
What I feel I’m not
I don’t celebrate
What I perceive
Myself to be
I seek void
Death
Rebirth
Ha
Do this again
Easier
To take flight
Black
Grey
White
Tears
Rip across my chest
Seeking
To release my heart
Bound and chained
I want them to flow
Pent emotions
Seek exorcism
I haven’t surrendered
I don’t accept
Open I bleed
Closed I store pain
I want to feel flow
Nothing aligned
Empty I know
Torn
Shredded
Fragments and shards
Differentially
Scattered
Ungrounded
Not whole
I want to go home
Here come the tears
Smiles
Dark Envelop
July 9, 2005
Feeling my way through the illusion
Finding no solace in delusion
Have my angels found another to watch over
Are my whispers no longer heard and contemplated
As I believe I do my best
I don’t convince even myself
So much struggle and challenge
Why do I even travel
Away from my bed
Prodded along
Voices and dialogs
In my head
I could start again tomorrow
Wait, I have done that before
Somewhere within, my shadow sneers
Chaotic and off balance, I’m fodder
Material for my shadow’s jeers
******, ***** and stripped bare
Seeking a single reason to care
Am I victim to want it all fair
Now
I recognize this place
Hell etched in my face
I could so easily quit
Leave the game’s race
Always another will replace
Scripts each written on ****** mace
Not yet ready
Lessons to learn
Though I yearn
Tis not my time to rest
Not until this unconscious
With which I wrest
Is balanced and addressed
Then, only, will it be my turn
I’ll find some sun
Seek beauty and joy
Transcend this marathon run
I’m not the universe’s toy
Reflections from the Void
August 21, 2005
So, this is death!
all distractions departed
leaving emptiness, not loneliness
gnawing absence of purpose, manifests in tears
Purgatory,
between somethings that felt to have mattered
without logical linkage
between then, now and the next then
Transitions require momentum
energy is here, but failing direction
what pursuit of new experience calls
none … these moments
Sleep comes easy, frequently
no dreams revealed in the aftermode
void … passionless … lethargic … empty … void
emotionless?
Looking for some elixir
to heal, to know, to feel …
the game continues / with tears of the void
the potential unknown
I guess I do feel alone …
why … what the **** is the point … anyways …
does this rub … offend … ????
this, my creation, my expression of infinite potential, capacity, too bad that
I have no TV to distract …
guess I need to process through …
ps …
if you receive this – love you …
for what it is worth ...
I guess I am ‘OK’, just feeling my way through ………..
Heart of Sadness
November 6, 2005
Incredible, my heart screams of sadness
as I accept and surrender
Surrender to what I have wrought,
what I did from my state of pain
Our pain breeds more pain, often,
and feeds back upon itself
Amplifying toward a crescendo
of intensity felt viscerally
As our hearts ache
In deepening depression,
I feel spoiled that I want more
than I have
I feel I should harden up
and move forward,
towards, what …
If I harden up, I harden my heart
and it feels now is the moment
to dive into this pain,
to learn from this pain,
to grow from this pain,
to understand from this pain,
to rebuild my heart in an open way
Experience the pain in full color
experience the loneliness,
experience the emptiness,
experience my void,
experience my sorrow,
experience my defeat,
experience yet another death,
experience my drama,
experience my immaturity,
experience my dysfunctional self,
experience the consequences,
experience the responsibility,
experience the resentment of myself,
experience the anger at myself,
experience the pain,
experience the bleeding,
experience the desolation,
experience the emotions raw,
experience the tears,
experience the shredding in my heart
grow in compassion,
grow in empathy,
grow in unconditional love,
grow in reverence,
grow in acceptance,
grow in maturity,
grow in awareness
I don’t need to sacrifice,
I need to celebrate
I don’t need to enable,
I need to empower
I don’t need to think,
I need to feel
I don’t need to protect,
I need to love
I don’t need to speak,
I need to listen
I don’t need to hurt or project,
I need to heal
Returning Home, Changed
November 8, 2005
a lover scampered off
then returned past time
after everything shifted
in another’s heart
and mind
old windows shuttered
no quarter taken or given
thus tears held reign
from processed pain
now at an advanced arc
on the circle of love
lessons in alchemy
seem sent from above
this journey now vectored
with independent trajectories
finding different connection
within renewed reflection
the cat broke the home
the archer wandered on
now on new paths
each does roam
the cat is changing
experiencing nature anew
with life rearranging
deeply ranging
in love with you
Shadow Teachings
November 14, 2005
We have known all along
yet didn’t trust those feelings
As our subconscious takes charge
when we fall asleep at the wheel
Just as we continue to breathe
within each moment of slumber
Some segment within us
will always surface
to chart our courses
With each emotion left
unexpressed in the moment
another is drawn forth and purged
Cycling
Withhold, Withdraw, Project
The truth will set us free
If we have courage to reveal
And the truth clears out
emotions, two by two
one new, one buried
Creating space
allowing
Love,
Courage,
Creativity,
Understanding,
Joy,
Celebration,
Illumination,
Growth,
LIFE
Express or Suppress
a Choice
of Voice
Opportunity found
in stormy weather
repairing the roof
in the rain
We may heal together
With whomever
NOW, then or never
It commences
via
loving thy self
Reinforced in experience
beyond words from
books on the shelf
WE WRITE OUR SCRIPTS
WE CREATE OUR EXPERIENCE
WE ARE RESPONSIBLE
WE ARE CREATORS CREATING
HOLD REVERENCE IN OUR POWER
FOR TRANSMUTING ENERGY
WITH LOVE
Be Impeccable of Word
(seasons of silence and truth to be expressed),
Don’t Take It Personal
(while observing the internal CHARGE!),
Don’t Make Assumptions
(they are mostly our projections!),
Do Your Best
(while ready for universal fireworks!)
Reflections Forward
November 30, 2005
Where am I going
with what I feel today
finding pure simplicity
laughter, being, love and play
Wisdom’s foundation built
on wisps of reflections past
absorbed experience
never allowed to wilt
My soul
has been heard
that incessant screaming
now
finally ceased
still raw
yet healing
moment
by moment
with each regression
new levels encountered
it was always
my lessons
cycling
for conclusion
the tool is divine
yet a challenge
to master
wanting
to be there
faster
just where
right here
presence
in now
Tao
honor in flow
faith in it all
no withdraw
from my call
Crumbles
Whelp, that was intense
Wrong words
Wrong tone
Wrong subject
How fast creation
changes
dissolves
and begins
Anew
Suddenly
all the discussion
all the plans
all the harmony
evaporated
reminding me
to look back within
I didn’t know
we were that fragile
without enough
foundation
relation
What does this circumstance
reflect about me
never independent
at least I remained calm
and found compassion
without projection
I honored the four agreements
as I watched you cry
as I absorbed the barbs flung
and chose not to deflect
mostly
silent
as I elected
to simply reflect
on your pain
your sorrow
that I couldn’t
prevent
heal
or soften
The dream has faded
the future now foggy
I know depression
I know sadness
I know empathy
and love
I choose life
I choose growth
I choose to heal
I choose to love
Paths feel divergent
with new adventure
just around the corner
I gave my love
my attention
affection
and soul
Angels!!!!!
support me now
as I shed these tears
listen as I call
I won’t stagger
much
I won’t fall
but face
unknown years
unknown fears
Nobody Knew Me
2006.01.31
No other soul
Experienced me
Fully authentic
As I lay hiding
From myself
Doubting
I could survive
Naked
When my Mother
Declared
My friend
And Lover
Was EVIL
My delusion
Fractured
Within moments
Over days
Illusions crumbled
Imploded
In fragments
Then shards
Of recognition
Crept
Then flooded in
I found myself
In darkness
Exposed and bare
I had strove
With my unique intensity
To be
Validated
Nurtured
Wanted
Touched
And Loved
To obtain these desires
I Compromised
I Manipulated
I Projected
I Overwhelmed
I would then Withdraw
I closed my eyes
Then my ears
Then my touch
Then my mind
And finally my heart
I wove stories
And swam, immersed
In my lies
My truth and core
Thus illuminated
In both peace
And tears of sorrow
I have been alone
I belong alone
I shall be alone
While I meet
Myself, now
Innocent
Again
I release Mom’s rejection
Transmuting her reflection
And transfiguring
Her projection
Thank you, Mother
You missed just one aspect
The EVIL was MINE
I created my experience
To break my own chains
Script complete
Curtain falls
No applause
No audience
Now
Silence
Nobody knew me
Not
Even
Me
Tears
Joy to follow
Unwelcome Back
2006.03.17
The dark visitors have arrived
and tears stream down my checks
are these demons
another component of ‘me’?
I call, sincerely
on angels and help
yet remain feeling
disconnected
Tonight was supposed to be
about sharing, growth
and healing
yet why, again
am I left reeling
Am I paying
for karmic bonds
both instant and past
is it time,
yet again,
to merely fast
to turn off these emotions
suppress yet another round
I have again
found the deep pain
why is it so hard
to love
and transcend my pain
There are keys
I haven’t yet found
there are messages
silent in sound
I don’t know myself
though I look with intensity
I apologize
here and now
for exposing myself
projecting myself
dragging anyone down
to my despair
felt beyond repair
Harr!
this IS the trap
feeling alone
feeling the sorrow
missing the balance
reveling in another tomorrow
This game is ****** up
get over it now
bring forth the light
shine in true essence
become
in presence
it is easy to quit
resign and give up
Hail beyond!!!!!!!!!
Creators transcend
right up
from the muck