It is 5:17
I don't have to get out of bed.
I start work at 8:00
But I suddenly need tea
And some time to myself
On the couch
Listening to some crap
On Film 4 about burning my carbs
To look like Rhianna
I boil some more tea.
I remember
Su Lee was sick for an hour
Brian took over
At 20:45
I left the Ward at 22:16
Su Lee was sick.
There was **** and **** all over her socks
and afterwards
When she looked up and smiled
and her mum hugged me
in the kitchen
God moved in mysterious wards..
Time for a second cup of coffee
and it's still dark. It snowed
3 inches
Schools are closed.
Su Lee is sitting in her chair
Some of the swelling has gone down,
God moves in Mysterious wards.
I am tired
my arm has gone to sleep it's 6:30
I did not really sleep
I take longer in the shower than I need to.
I won't eat breakfast.
He will not be awake
I want to be there when he wakes up
He came out of intensive care at 03:22
We were there his eye was so swollen
The Ward sister gave me a hug.
She's glad that Su Lee is sitting up
God moves
In mysterious wards
The nurse is Wonder Woman
She must need
inhuman self control
I ask him if he wants some breakfast
He says yes
God moves in Mysterious wards
Gary is crying in the kitchen
He is 6'2" and ex RN
He has met me twice
He hugs me like I'm his best friend
I offer him toast
He can't eat
I drop a spoon and grunt
Bending down to pick it up
It makes him laugh
God moves in mysterious wards.
A parcel comes from a woman I have not seen in 30 years
Tea and Kendal Mint cake and Love
Kindness that makes us all swell up
Like it isn't a ward full
Of Tiny babies with no eyes or future or
indeterminate control.
It's better than a lottery win
Yorkshire Tea.
God moves in Mysterious wards.

I feel like the first fallen angel.
I know how Samael felt.
As Lucifer he cursed the stars, at his rainbow’s end
There’s no *** of gold.
To live out his time;
With nothing to gain…
Oh my Lord; I could feel that pain.
And though it damns me to God, I would heal that pain.

When there’s no place  left to hide.
Nowhere left in my God’s eyes, we surrender to;
The deadliest Sin.
The Sin Of pride.

Would it hurt so much to hold me?
Would it cause you so much loss?
I know what’s gone wrong
And I know who came last
But I was so busy with changing the past
Then I,
I looked to heaven for guidance,
And all that I found there was you.
This sin was a cold satisfaction
We fell where atrocity flew

When there’s no place left to hide
No place left in my God’s eyes;
We surrender to the deadliest Sin.
The Sin of Pride.

She’s so clinical I’m so cynical, it’s so typical
We’re both to blame.
She likes talking when I like walking
She puts the pressure on I watch a day move on
I’m so in love with her she likes to have me there
It’s so typical she’s so cynical we’re both to blame.

I split my mind in two
She knows just what to do
I like to wonder why she doesn’t have to try
I make a move today she did it yesterday.
She’s vegetarian and I’ll eat anything.
She’s so critical; I’m so cynical it’s so typical
We’re both to blame.

She likes Betjeman   I read Spiderman
She needs food for thought, I need alcohol
She wants to meet the stars; I’d like to own a bar
She’s so Liberal I’m so malleable it’s so typical we’re both to blame.

I’m so typical it’s so pitiful, she’s so - unexpected.

There is a simple light I move toward
As bright crystalline light on flesh.
Small and needful I dissolve ; rebuilding again
And again.
The fluid spreads me
Safe within that first emphatic embrace.

The flame of canopy air cannot lure me
I could not give her up
This fluid clean purity; this wholeness.
My soul lens -transparent , transmuting
As Fire, as Liquid, as Air, as Earth.
This is her exponent.
I am the first sound , the first breath – the cry.
Given grace only through her.
All my wayward spinning nuclei
Made placid
By the coolness of that,
Surface skin.
Which never breaks.

The attention of this opening scene, focuses on a voice of ripples.
Whirling, in a pool of heavy silver rings.
All at once The world becomes limitless .
And I howl.
She is alive in me
But she has gone
The new warmth of stone
The comfort of strangers.

You can play this game
But I can’t
And you do things I can’t
Because I won’t
But I’d just like to know
Why I couldn’t trust you
I tried so hard; but it all fell apart
The distance was great
The chasm grew wide
You left me behind and I spent some time
In the dark.
I really thought that with you
I could be anyone
But all that’s gone and the stakes aren’t the same.

Every night is Party Night and every glass is filled
But I’m falling apart at this party
And I’m falling to pieces with you.

I’ve been trying to remember
But I can’t
I want to go back home
But I won’t
I know that now but I can’t understand
How could I leave so much comfort behind?
I lost so much in gaining
And that’s what burns in my mind.
So how do I go?
Do I give up it all?
And return to an uncertain past?
I can make myself cold and quickly grow old
Like someone who had to give in.
Or burst like a flame from the fire again
A phoenix in intact and insane.

Every night is Party Night and every glass is filled
But I’m falling apart at this party
And I’m falling to pieces with you.

I had to hide what I meant
To make up some other façade
I believed for a while what I kept deep inside
Was only a useless ideal
But I look so close at the things that I’ve done
A mixture of pleasure and fear
A blending together of two different dreams
Which have squandered those thing I held dear.
All the meaning was lost
When I saw where you went
I’ve been wearing a mask
Which you helped me put on
And I can only take parts of it off.

Every night is Party Night and every glass is filled
But I’m falling apart at this party
And I’m falling to pieces
With you.

It stands to reason
I should reason with myself
Or maybe I should lie awake all night
I could write letters to you;
If only I knew where you were.
Dancing;
On the telephone
Trying to crack your code.

It doesn’t matter if I turn and walk away
It doesn’t matter if I turn and walk away
You won’t feel me leaving;
You won’t feel me leaving
You won’t even feel me leaving.

So many secret meanings that I could let go
Or maybe we should lie alone all night
Or maybe
We could lie.
It stands to reason that I need someone to need.

Every time I take a train ride
Every time I feel the cold
Every time I run on empty
Anytime I’m far  from home
I need you to make me need you
I need you to make me
Need You.

This empty house calls out
Be still
Be still and let your body fall
This photograph which kisses me
Turns round and leaves me
Quite alone
Be still she says and takes your place.
Takes the place of someone who I never knew
Takes the place of knowledge that I never had
Of boats and hills and waterways of unicorns and smiles
That never touched you never held you never watched you cry
So take the place of memories of yesterday take away or take the place of memories that fade away
Looking down on empty car parks, children’s rides that barely move
A picture frame that balances the window in the wall.
So close your eyes for no surprise no kisses and no compromise
Be still she says be still and wait.
The final cut was drawn too late.
Take my pride and take my faith take my shame and take the place
Of memories and uniforms the silver strings – your friend who sings
Like foreign sand and dear regrets and all the times you carried me
And all those things I did with you
So take the place or take away these memories of yesterday
So take away or take the place of memories
That died today.