Dear reader,

This is not a poem. This is not a letter. This is not really much of anything, for that matter. I hope you'll continue reading because it kind of helps knowing that someone somewhere out there is reading what I'm going to say next. I just hope you, my dear reader can benefit from my story.

It's merely 3.41AM and I am feeling empty. It's not the kind of emptiness that overwhelms you in tsunamis of water, neither is it splashes of water. It just didn't seem to have a place, it wasn't really anywhere, it was kinda just there. Haunting me.

I had just finished my O level examinations, and where I come from, it's one of the most major exams in my life. It determined my future. So like any other schooling teenager in this country, I studied for it. Not just the kind of studying where you listen in class or read the textbook and do your homework. The kind of study where I could go on without sleep for days or taking shot after shot of expresso just to keep myself going or regurgitating word for word an entire essay. All because I knew how important this was to me and my family and my future. Every day of the week was dedicated towards memorizing, every minute of the day was devoted towards practicing, and every second of the minute was committed towards reading. Basically, every millisecond was crucial. And this was something I abided by religiously. But despite my efforts, I was still struggling. I simply couldn't do well. And when you put your heart and soul into something and it just doesn't go how it's supposed to, you get really broken, destroyed. You never know what went wrong and you question many things about yourself and you start running in circles, thinking and digging. The failure I was faced with consumed me with defeatism and self hate. I broke down more often than I should as the days to my exam drew closer, and I grew more anxious and scared. So ******* scared of the future.

Bear with me, please.

Anyway, the week of my exams came quickly. Despite my efforts to slow down time, time had done just the opposite. It was the most painful and suffocating weeks of my life. And although I am one to say that lightly, this easily took the crown. I have never, ever in my life felt this close off the ledge. And there were many times were I have came very close off the ledge. My exams lasted for around 3 weeks, and each morning I had to have at least a triple shot expresso and each night I before I went to sleep, there would be these images and thoughts telling me that I didn't deserved to sleep and I shouldn't even think about it. But when I did catch some sleep, the constant fears in my day had took over my nights. I would always dream about failing the exam, or being late for the exam, or forgetting to bring something to the exam, or killing myself before the exam. It was impossibly horrible and I could actually feel my soul getting depleted by the minute. Like the 'me' in my body was slipping away and there would soon be nothing harboring my body. I often find myself crying to sleep, and waking up in tears. I couldn't stand being so weak and vulnerable, but I felt absolutely defenseless against everything around me. Even the ones that loved me couldn't make me feel human, I felt like I was already dead and my body was still alive. I felt like I was constantly suffocating and nobody could see it. Each day felt so purposeless, ironically. (It being my exams week) Waking up each and every day was draining and having to face my eminent fate was painful. A physical kind of pain where you felt lightheaded and spinning but yet caged and choked. It's hard to describe.

So, it isn't hard to tell that I wasn't in the right state of mind to take my exams. I just dragged myself through those past couple of weeks, doing what I could. Each breath felt labored and each thought in my head wore me down greatly. I broke down frequently before my papers, and there would always be this couple of schoolmates who say things like "You'll do fine, stop worrying." Or "Just do your best. Whatever will be, will be." My parents would even try to tell me to take it easy and "We'll be proud as long as you've tried your best." I know that they mean well. But no, you don't understand. I have worked too ******* long and too ******* hard to watch it all slip away from me just like that. It isn't just some national exam I have to study for, it was my godforsaken passport for the future. All that I have done for this exam, all that I have forsaken, all that I have gone through was for myself. It was the dedication of every ounce of strength that I had so that I could let myself believe that hope existed. And I had just watched it being snatched away from me, right before my own sunken in, swollen eyes. And it hurt like hell knowing that I've tried my best for it, and it is a reflection of what I've worked for. Nobody's going to look at C's and D's and see the reflection of an "overnight mugger", they'll see what comes to mind first: a lazy, complacent teen. And as the saying goes, "The lie, if repeated a hundred times, becomes the truth." All my hard work will be forgotten. And it will be like it never existed before.

Maybe some might think that all this is stupid. All this I go through for one exam, I know many of my schoolmates think that way. But the complex feelings that I experience for this exam isn't just because of my future. My life depends more than it should on this exam because it will prove to me that I am not a failure and I am not as stupid as I think I am. I want to know where my best truly is and where I stand. Because I have never worked for anything in my life but this exam has been the great exception. It was the key driving force of my life, it was what wore me down and spurred me on at the same time. I don't want people to tell me that I am capable and that I am smart, because I will never believe you. I need this exam to show me that I am capable and I am smart. I want to believe it too.

So I lie in bed at 4.17AM now feeling so afraid of the future. And I used to be the kid that depended on the prospect of a better day. I have yet to meet my impending doom, and if you are wondering, I collect my results next year in January. So now, I am lost and alone. And empty.

Thank you if you've read this far, I just hope that you, my dear reader, if you've ever felt useless, or not good enough or you're just hurting, know that you are not alone and there is someone that knows how you feel. I would tell you to be strong, but only you can do that for yourself. Just hang in there.

k.m.

word of your alleged affiliations reached me weeks after it was all said and done; she was now queen of your world and I became a mild sore in your side like I feared I would

I don't know why I'm surprised. I never amounted to much anyway. I often let my feet burn in the running bath water just to feel something besides a building wall of anxiety in my chest.

I often dreamt about you. also about her - that walking prayer with a Devil's torch. I could've handled my tears if it weren't for the coffee shop you two were admiring in my dreams. do you remember my favorite place?

a nightmare is a dream until it becomes your reality. sometimes when I wake in a cold sweat complete with tremors, the breeze still smells of expresso and pastry

Ingredients for 6-8 people
• 4 egg whites
• 2 egg yolks
• 100 g (1/2 cup) of sugar or 5 tablespoons of fruit sugar (alter to your own preference)
• 500 g (2 1/2 cups) of mascarpone cheese
• 4 small coffee cups of espresso coffee
• marsala wine (or brandy or cognac)
• 400 g of savoiardi or lady fingers (sponge cake fingers)
• dark chocolate powder
Preparation
1. Make espresso coffee, sweeten, and add the marsala wine (or cognac) to it. Let it cool a bit.
2. Separate the egg yolks and the whites of two eggs in two bowls.
3. Beat sugar into the egg yolks.
4. Beat the mascarpone into the sweetened yolks.
5. Add two more egg whites to the other two and whisk until they form stiff peaks.
6. Fold gently egg whites into mascarpone mixture.
7. Quickly dip both sides of the ladyfingers in the espresso mixture.
8. Layer soaked ladyfingers and mascarpone in a large bowl or pan (start with fingers, finish with mascarpone).
9. Sprinkle dark chocolate powder on top.
10. Refrigerate for one hour.

You should rather stay inside,
Than being out tonight,
Just sipping coffee,
And nothing to look forward to her,
Savoring your healing attitude,
Even you are still dreaming of her.
Sometimes you are losing your cool,
With your everything,
You would give anything to be with her,
And you will try your best to let it subside.
You are letting go for April fool,
Without taking any part of her,
Something what your heart truly wants,
And no one will ever see but her.
The  way you now use to do,
Being so so, as your Expresso !

You were nobody's regular Starbucks.
Not ridiculously expensive for some ****** fancy named coffee.
You were more like a vintage Italian expresso.
And I would search every corner of the world for you.
If it meant I could have one last sip.

A cigarette in the morning
To get me over the night time
I forgot to sleep again
My eyelids live on high time.

It's fine I'll just play the guitar
Drink a cup of coffee or two
Walk along to my sanctuary
In my mind I'll write songs to you

A cigarette after midnight
To overcome all this silence
I don't want to sleep again
My eyelids wait for sunrise.

Another double expresso
Until my heart starts to echo
And then I'll stop and start breathing
How d'you get rid of this feeling ?

I'm thinking again of the morning
In the red of the wine time
This bed has become me
I'll get out of here sometime.

My hands are numb and so is my heart.
Every breath of air I take into my chest hurts.
In and out its like running a 5k marathon.
My stomach twists and turns.
My head fluttered with racing thoughts.
Tears filling up in my eyes like a bathtub.
Body aches.
Laying in the bed straight staring aimlessly at the ceiling. Quiet and numb. I can't feel anything.
Nothing at all.
I want to scream
I want to cry out
But nobody will listen
Nobody understands this deep dark twisted pain.
On replay everyday for my enjoyment.
Maybe one day I'll wake up,
And I won't be depressed.
Probably not.

The TSA won't let me fly
It seems when airplane-jailed,
My muse sneaks aboard
Without paying for a seat.

Another airplane poem like 30B,
From a long ago flight,
Found dusty, in the poetry sewing box


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

with every breathe he tithes
a packet of whispered wishes,
a blended osmosis of
past and future scenes,
reviewed, previewed,
moments in time,
actual and dreamed

some received,
airborne plucked,
in his chest stored,
prepared for future
takeoffs and landings,
for ultimate insertion
in both
your recesses
and
your abscesses

some native,
combobulated, containerized
packets of seconds,
of joyous moments,
bytes of historical
hugs n' kisses,
as a child
to a child
from a child

those are vanilla frosted,
residual payments for the
good done and given,  
forwarded with all clear signals,
to his loved ones,
now resent, to you,
fellow travelers and sojourners,
intersectors of our peculiar
coded dots and dashes

thirty five thousand feet high,
composure lost,
he swoons as
Bocelli's voce del silenzio
releases tears so sweet,
which are by nature,
gravitated and transformed
into snowflakes to decorate
the Sierra Nevada's
breasted peaks and valleys,
over which his physical notion
is at rest, yet in motion,
within a Delta flying ship

Yet his fevered chest
beats rough,
for every flight seems
a time warp interlude,
a forced reflecting rhyme,
not of his choosing,
a lawful, thoughtful, imprisonment

having donated to you
his best, the remainders,
the man tallies, recalls:

ancient slights, scaled heights,
requiems for his forefathers
scored by cantorial choirs,
liberation struggle weariness,
offers taken and refused,
aces in the hole that proved
insufficient to save his soul.

goal line stands made,
onslaughts refused,
true lies and false truths,
moist lips and monster tears,
occasional A's and calcu-hell-us,
hand me downs received,
help me ups got n' given,
buildings pricked by airplanes,
death wishes granted
and nothing thereby gained,
children, found and lost,
mine, yours, ours...

The sums, always the sums!

engine noises and pilfered winds
are dulled and semi-silenced,
yet the silvered chamber prison
resonates from end to end
as each ledgered memory,
each packet of the
hidden whispered poems
he does NOT choose to send,
dents the man,
leaving claw marks,
screaming pay attention to me,
as if they were the priorities
of a six year old child,
refusing to be ignored

he does,
attention, he does pay,  
allowing rocking guitar heroes
to overtake weeping violinists,
just as newer transgressions
surfeit even his
most really *****,
ancient sins

No matter how he counts,
unable to master the additions,
no matter how many times
counts are initiated,
taken and retaken,
the tally's net net is
concluded, numbered
"forsaken"

his life's W-2 is black n' blue,
deductions falsely enumerate
and thereby underestimate
dues he has paid summarily,
earnings, distorted,
taxes paid never enough,
to satisfy the justice scales,
so wearily he
cries and enunciates,

The sums, always the sums!

THEN COMES HIS SHOUT OUT,
at his most vulnerable,
when a thin veneer of alumina
separates him,
from a fall inglorious
to an end most gorious,
a rapping beat moderne
insists that he go all out,
disallowing no
airy fairy poetry
to disguise that:

If the integers are false,
the entries of a life lived,
are sucker lies
black eyed flies
toxic shockers
that bust open
stinko lockers
where the B.S.
mocking stories
are kept

don't look close
at his documents
they ain't exactly
heaven sent
and the government men
be back on his track
their aviator shades
protect them from
burning light of the
man's furnace
where he burns their liens,
and the agent's ear pieces
drown out his screams of

The sums, always the sums!

God bless you,
keep and recall those packets of
whispered wishes, good tithes,
that the man bequeaths,
gift baskets of
expresso essentials
with God's love delivered

Tho his words,
amateurish and unvarnished,
silly and pompous,
nonetheless, they are the
return on his investments,
his yearnings for your happiness
are the savings accumulated,
though meager jewels are they,
they are ad valorem,
mixed into his confused murmurings

here then,
are his summings up,
what he wills you,,
the tally finale
the best wisdom is
found on coffee cups
at 2:47am.

Dance
Love
Sing
Live

to which he respectfully amends with a
Write.
(See banner photo)

TABLE D'HôTE

Appetizer
Wrong Tons With Me Soup
cooked worry
seared in a teary onion broth

Hors D'oeuvres
Slow Roasted Fear
fresh over-analyzing
crushed with loneliness

Main Course
Stress Salad
tossed with insomnia
marinated in a vertigo dressing

General Trouble Chicken
battered uncertainty
gloomed to perfection
sitting on steamed danger
stir fried in an overwhelm sour sauce

Dessert
Choked Volcanic Eruption
mountain of OCD
topped with whipped depression
glazed with self-loathing

Expresso
prepared with frothy guilt

(C) Jl 2016

Tell me your secrets tell me a tale of centuries passed where you recall meeting at what we called the wrong time what if maybe years from now I lift my head tilted towards the sound of a barista clearing the table where you then sit where you are only focused on a poodle called Gaillard who is chocolate brown groomed to perfection with a winter coat matching the faux fur wrapped around your neck as winter has fallen no bleakness just crystal skies iced cobbled pavements too cold for the puppy with big brown eyes whimpering for a seat on a warm lap of an owner feeding treats comfort provided by the attentive barista returning from the inside of a busy café serving hot fresh expresso drifting smells across untouched air toward me who orders another chocolat chaud arriving with a macaroon an unmarked napkin to which I write "Tu me manque" standing I walk to her table Gaillard remembering my scent lifts himself to my chest as I lay the note down where the one who'd be gone so long whispered back sweeping her hair to the side, "Tu me manque plus"
simultaneously they say; "I knew I'd meet you again someday..." a smile from both, "in Paris," with a giggle a caress a simple holding of the hand.

© Sia Jane

It's been a year
Since you broke me
The first time.
Yet, your expresso eyes
Are still the only ones I
Want
To see past the fog of
mine.

I wish I could hate you
Oh how simple that would be
But I can't
When the only thing you didn't do
Right
Was love me the way
I love you.

He saw in his mind’s eye her standing before the mug. In a craft show, on a stall: ceramics. It had a blue about it comforting as a still lake in remote mountains. The glaze had that quality that made you want to stretch your hand towards it, and if not pick it up and touch it entire, at least stroke it with the fingers, feel where the potter’s fingers had formed its shape on the wheel. Everything else on the stall was as nothing; only the mug held her gaze, her desire now to own it, to take its yet to be measured weight between both hands. Imagining breakfast and she would fill it with coffee and bring the hot, rich liquid to her lips: nature’s miracle of taste and aroma so necessary as the right start to any day of work or creative thought. She resolved not to look at the price as she had already decided to buy it come what may. It was beautiful and useful, and she told herself it would replace some mass-produced mug currently filling her kitchen cupboard, a mug that needed relegating to the next yard sale. Eventually, she dreamed, her cupboard would be full of such beautiful mugs she had thus found, thus chosen.

There was nothing here, he thought looking in his kitchen cupboard, that begins to hold a candle to such beauty – a couple of plain white utilitarian cups and saucers. No mugs to speak of. There was real coffee freshly brewing in a jug on the MFI table next to a sadly pink vase of flowers and ferns brought from a moorside garden – for her imagined visit. The dark colour of the coffee and its fragrant aroma (an added spoonful of expresso) formed, he mused, a temporary bridge over the always-distance of their separation. He wondered how his favourite Chinese poet Li Po would have fashioned a poem that spoke of such things: his loved-one far away over the mountains taking her first morning tea, still in her night gown her bare feet on the scrubbed wooden floor, poised before the day as a delicate flower nodding in the wind, the air sweet breathing through the open blinds, the dew sparkling still on the thin grass of her late summer garden.

And so, loving her beyond any measure, any reason, he writes:

*I am jealous of this blue mug
Taking such pleasure
In filling the shape
Of your quiet hand.

Afar, away, apart, beyond distance
I can only dream to drink
From the same rim that touches
Your perfect lips, your darting tongue.

Dawn comes too early, I am not in the mood for morning. Like a grumpy cat I sneer at daybreak. Noonish is a better to start my day. That is why coffee is my first thing to do everyday. Home made Java, that old cup of Joe. Steaming hot aromatic and black. I mixture to stir the senses, just what the doctor ordered. A shot to perk me up and revive me to the world. From no whip latte to the espresso double shot. From Colombian dark roast to French Vanilla, what ever it takes to jump start my heart is what I desire. So if you hear weird noises at 5 am, don't be alarmed. The world is not ending, nor is there an earth quake. It is most likely me and my coffee *** whirring in an attempt to make espresso for myself.

Every morning, I robotically walk to the local coffee shop
The same old man sitting at table three,
Who wears his intelligence on his brow,
Searches through mountains of texts
On how to give his life sustenance

All the while, a somber young man scribbles
An intimate poetry session in his moleskin
His face always sadden by the prose
Heavy writing hand suggesting frustration

I only wish they both can break away
From their pages and notice today
that their commonalities could heal their sorrows
Heal one another through their humanity

But for now my latte awaits
I'll see you tomorrow gentlemen

hmph... where are the open mics?

This coffee-bean bag city abound

with eclectic fusions of wireless access

enter-the-net -abilities

Kenya to Columbia / slow, dark roasts...

and Napa Valley vineyards

intermingling

at Cream...

How oddly bright, surrounded by glass

windows--like discovery of x-ray vision,

through clear walls i see how packed

like an iMac convention it is

inside...

   Poetry readings: Yahoo local search directed us here,

barista-scented alcoholic webmasters

thin-legged tables laid out like a life-sized

chess board--us three white rooks performing

black bishop moves to the cashier;

curious like George as to where

in Carmen-cool-San Diego,

in this glowing rubix cubed place;

   where in the fluoresent skin of Comp-USA borne

peoples of the web, where

where oh where's the poetry?

Reading Vista-windows rather than obsolescent-absolutes

of books by Keats

or obsessive-compulsive Koontz...

   Though bright and machine-warm, Cream

felt metallic-shiny, slick as plastic; conversations

with an electric hiss

rather than a hum of heart-beats and laughter

where's the **** poetry??

   the readings?

a prolific geek or Hemingway refined older men

on a single microphone;

turn-table-tales in rhyme

on a platform made by the local grind

college theatre teckies (staple-gunned and glued)...

where are those poets?

   those spoken-word-wisdoms, writers

performing, even in their Goth-blacks, even in

their Seattle angst of cordoruoys or dock martins;

forget Starbucks, leave behind Jitterz,

the Expresso Roma is the poetry of coffee

no enterprise

can replicate

duplicate the unique...

   sadly i must concede, the spoken word

and poetic fluffers are a dying breed; as far as

i can web-surf, no place

houses them any longer, no more

do they sprinkle their pixie-dust of verse

or prose, mosaics,

fantastics of floral or funk

imagery and emotional

stark revelations of discovery...

   sadly--it is the day's turning of a page;

***** is the word,

adverb to lost horizons, i am

a dinosaur of the mess-no-beatnik-era,

"poet-a-sore-is-rest"

deep thoughts' ooze now the blood of

{fingers snapping} history

"yeah, man, cool...outta sight"

and i'm not yet extinct;

i am a teradactyl with so much sky

soon without a place to land, / below

crash into the matrix sea--Cream pixelates my woes...

communication has become a plastic factory

to Japan, and Europe, my inner "screeeeech!"

"where is the poetry?!"

It ain't no mountain high-__++
enough heart stickers 2 pluses
But----she's beat like someone's
playdough high setting
diamond in the rough
High level of mercury felt tough
Like the good will hunting

Let's fulfill our dream with
less talking
More snorkeling high hopes
Big escape important titles
Such a Sperling report high crime
she got high hopes
A kiss is not a kiss
Casablanca
Piano many riddles

The delicate mood became the
Joker her low jeweled belly bottom
He could just pinch her
His paint when smoke gets in your long
Eyelashes the temptation her eyes
of infatuation
How he can move
her schoolgirl crush

The mountains
The holiday sweet baked sun cookies
He was lady looker starting
fresh like a rookie

All loving to the end of her earth

The painter Gogh the fine feather brush
Could lift smiles like hot gold rush

Way below I see something
My eyes became the hidden lake,
My body got exposed to the shining light
The Knight high tempo until the daylight
But there is a high price that's all
I could take almost my blindsight
Her body elevated

She sighs the law and order
The highest authority constitution
the movie camera high action
Higher force of her revelation
Like her Crescendo Moon
Hot body stimulation
But she became to see the
lower state of mind taking the
Xanax route

High hopes she touched the
Goddard

The Searching her lips
piercing she losing her grip

What a hot Australian dude swap
Kicking around in his boots the
  rain puddles of love hurdle
The high raft of the tortoise turtles

My heart lies the crescendo
Such a high tempo she screams

Opening up high five
my exclusively yours
Hot five emails to find got
so excited until etc--

A mountain of broken hearts
Luv her favorite journey high
living totally fab
Those hubs and cool London pubs
On the edge of ecstasy but my dark
midnight pup labs jump up the vibe

The earth stood like a still life
The darkness and the red moon
Everything I thought of came true
bleeding
The high sounds of the clock
Striking at midnight
I felt the coach driving up the
Godmother not the fairest of Bees
They were swarming high seas
And left me on my scared knees

Some leftover Crescendo of honey
His chinny chin Big Foot beard-man
High waist lady gold bonds
of money

Howling wolf complex mixture
of her body curves too many

Symphonies playing
Like something never failed
Seeing the beauty rainfall
Mermaid Tail

Like the crest of
Tsunami all the selfie's
MeMe high tea hours
100 feet he could
of very well
wanted so much
to kiss her high-cheeks
But finding the treasure
lips curved-low

Italiano tempered the wicked concert
Concerto higher up temptation
High tempo hot soup
Louisiana red hot tabasco
 You gotta have her gumbo

Going to the Mountaintop
Mr. Concerto meeting
the computer
Mr. Dumbo what an
Mc Jumbo
burger the "Clicker Bar"
The stars eating away
The greens of her eyes
Living in a hut spitting
pits of olives 
 
Spicy ladies of pimento
In young and restless town
Sacramento
She was sitting her name Sofia  
High rise body elevated
The wicker chair (Loren)
Contemplated
Hearing a sharp squeak
of his shoe that is his affair
He was walking
toward her

He fired out pool shark
Like the Crescendo cafe all neck
out like giraffes to dusk at night
Two heads are stirring
better than one smooth
spread Jiffy butter
Enjoying their cappuccino
the flamingo dancers the bodies
sway together to be engaged
Licks of her envelope
He kissed up to her first sip
Hot mouth expresso

The Pacific high tempo soprano
the mountain can be terrific
Be more specific

That girl Marlo with the
 higher latitude in St Thomas
it won't bring back
a love quicker
Our minds get slower
Using her useless hair blower
"Pacific Crest Inn"
Mind controller
Bathing on sun worshipping
What a star turning point

But lower and deserted on an island
Like smoking the sun up with a joint
the Apennines Italy like pennies for
her thought
The lust crest of her waving high
Surrender my love (Silverback)
Glitter silver high tent

Rainforest of Gorillas
Monkey *** swinging and surfing the
High society ladies what a fly-by event
High Apple Martinique the computer
Felt flooded like she could use a drink
Yes we have bruised bananas and
horn-blowers those outfitters
out of their minds towners
They never leave the crazy freeloaders
Shell be coming around your mountain

High tempo voice meet
Tatiana of the  black crow plantation

Feeling the soulful E-Harmony
Coupling eyes of tears Seattle
Cows and sheep all stacks of hay cattle
Right now her salvation she needed
something lighter not exactly higher
The Sierra Nevada crest she looked up
She went back to her Mediterranean villa
Looking at her pearly white teeth
And said what is with all this crest
I have the best hours with
my crest toothpaste lower teeth
being brushed to the higher height of
my top mountain teeth
That crescendo
was my new birth

We are in the middle of a recession. It'***** us all in some way or another.
It's happened in the past - history repeating itself.
The elderly have seen it all before. They remember the queues for food,
where everyone got their fair share, when it was gone, they had to make do.

My friend has been laid off from work, and the cottage she rents is to be sold
by the landlord. He's feeling the pinch too, so has no choice.
It's a small place with two rooms, but, she tells me, at least she has a roof over her head –
for now.

As we sit together under the bare trees, she pours it all out. Her future looks gloomy,
like the sky – cumulus building. That's when the rain starts.
My friend's mascara begins to run in inky streaks. She wipes her cheeks with a kleenex
as best she can, before we hurry to shelter in a nearby cafe.

We are the only people in there. As we wait, the owner tells us he's closing down
at the end of the week, that customer numbers have dwindled and those who do come,
sit with an expresso for hours on end, watching the T.V. -
that way, they're saving on fuel.

We take our coffees over to the window. The rain has eased off a little,
so we sit watching the puddles reflect an oppressive sky.

My friend explains how she may have to leave the area to look for work,
like so many have already done.
I tell her she can stay with me until she finds another place, that this is where she belongs,
where we can all help one another however difficult things might get.

Our voices chime around the empty cafe echoing the sentiments of so many people.

Stepping into the street, we are met by the dazzle of wet cobbles.
Grass verges sparkle with fresh rain, and a tangerine tree, dripping with fruit
droops over a solid iron gate, its bobbing lanterns shining with the colour of sun.

copyright © Caroline Grace 2014

At the Coffee Shop I saw a man
I saw a man and guessed his story
He had dark circles beneath his eyes
And he looked like a dead man in his faded black suit
He rubbed his forehead as he sat down
And his eyes seemed far away when he ordered his coffee
He ordered a double shot expresso
That says a lot about a man

As I was leaving I stopped to say goodbye
I figured he could use some friendliness today
Instead of saying goodbye I said hello
And he told me his story
So I told him mine

And to this day I spend everyday thinking about him
About his story
About mine
About his story of a divorce, a child sent to jail, being fired
Then going to the Coffee Shop and seeing a woman
A woman who looked like she could use a break
From work, from stress, from broken love affairs
He geussed her story
And she geussed his
She suprised him though
By stopping to say hello
And then he went on to marry her
And together they were happy
She got a break from stress and broken love affairs
And he got a break from his empty heart and loneliness

Florilèges de  trois poésies sur le café «Naziunale»
de Vicu

1- Premier Poème sur le café de Vicu
(Été 2010)
Un marronnier et trois tilleuls
Sur la fraîcheur comme un clin d'œil
Sous le soleil immobile
Dans l'ombrage des charmilles

Une façade de granit
Sur une salle composite
Sur les murs plusieurs footballeurs
Et d'un vieux berger la vigueur.

Pouvoir s'asseoir, se reposer
Et par-dessus tout siroter
Un verre de bière pression
Sans un souci à l'horizon.

A côté de vous, il fait chaud
Mais le zéphyr souffle tantôt
Sur votre peau, une caresse
Il faut dire que rien ne presse.
Une torpeur qui vous saisit
Un parfum de moments choisis
Mais après tout c'est bien l'été
Et son cortège de beautées.

Dans votre verre un pastis
Comme une senteur d'anis
De jolies filles font le détour
Parées de leurs jolis atours

Verre levé vous plaisantez
Pour l'œil des belles attirer
Mais les coquettes vont leur chemin
En masquant bien leurs vrais desseins





2 - Deuxième Poème au café de Vicu
(Été 2012)

Oh café de Vicu
Tilleuls et marronniers
Aux ombrages si frais
Apaisant les cieux lourds
Et les chaleurs de plomb.

Un chat à la queue courbe
Vient chercher les caresses
Que des femmes distraites
par des hommes ombrageux
Distraitement lui donnent.

Un tempo de langueur
Violone tes douceurs ;
et la « Serena » fraîche
fait plus que rafraichir
notre quête de soifs.

Oh café de Vicu
Tu sais nous préserver
Des vains emballements,
Des fureurs dérisoires
Propres à nous gâcher
Le songe de nos vies.






3 - Troisième poème sur le café «naziunale» de Vicu
(Été 2013)

Une large façade de granit, percée par deux larges portes,
donnant sur une vaste salle a haute cheminée.
Un marronnier et un tilleul vous font don d'une fraîcheur bienvenue,
A l'intérieur comme une icône de la «belle époque» une photographie de groupe d'hommes Corses en canotiers ou feutres mous prenant fièrement la pose devant l'appareil a trépied et le photographe pénétré de son art.

En face l'on voit la mairie de couleur rose, a l'escalier ventru,
Sur le côté droit, une pharmacie antique, aux volets bleus,
Et puis vers onze heure, le tiers des tables sont mises pour les repas,
Et les jeunes serveuse pimpantes s'affairent,
pour poser les serviettes en papier et servir les mélancoliques buveurs de bière «Pietra», a l'arôme fin de châtaigne.

Proche de ma table de Formica vert, deux belles blondes aux coiffures soignées,
sirotent leurs cafés et commentent avec un sérieux excessif une brochure de géographie plastifiée.
Mais parfois sourires et rires viennent donner a l'air léger cette adorable féminité qui manque tant à notre monde de brutes.
L’air est comme cristallin, et la lourde chaleur de Vicu semble conjurée par ce café-terrasse qui est havre de paix et de fraîche douceur.

Deux Corses, à la barbe bien taillée lisent avec une étrange attention, l’édition journalière de «Corse-Matin», interrompus par un ami de leur génération portant beau un feutre gris.
Les épagneuls du café sont curieusement rentrés dans la grande salle, alors qu'hier ils étaient accroupis en terrasse comme aimantes par la chaleur.
Il est maintenant 0nze heure trente docteur Sweitzer et «l'Humanité reste toujours au carrefour» hésitant entre feu vert et feu rouge dont traitèrent si bien Radovan Richta.
Mais, tant pis, la question ne se résoudra pas dans les douces langueurs de Vicu.
Les premiers dineurs ne se pressent pas aux tables dressés.
L’effleure un peu à Vicu, comme un parfum de l'Alambra, ou les repas sont repoussés **** dans l'après-midi ou dans la nuit.
A l'inverse, les couche-**** viennent se convaincre de leur réveil en s'attablant en terrasse demandant un double café, en passant commande d’un double expresso.

Paul Arrighi.

As any of my friends can tell you
I'm a very strange and quirky person
and so is my family
I hate hate hate coffee
But I'm also addicted to coffee ice cream
And chocolate covered expresso beans
I detest the taste of alchohol
So I'm allowed to try it whenever I want
I used to hate green tea but
My best friend mentioned he loved it
I gave it another chance, and now love it too
At my high school I'm not at all 'popular'
But everyone seems to know me
I am one of the shortest kids in my high school
But have some of the tallest friends
And they all love coffee
So if you like coffee say rawr
And if you like tea say *miaou

If I could take every note of the harmony that is the universe, I would have an abundance of stars and with those stars, I would paint the night sky on your ceiling so you'd never have to live in the dark again and if you ever feel the darkness gripping your wrists, I will send every firefly to your window to kiss your scars as you sleep. so that every morning you could wake up feeling loved and if ever you do not feel loved I will send every lightening bolt to excite your heart and every ocean wave to embrace you with salty sweetness to warm you on those exceptionally chilly winter nights.
And if you ever feel alone, just know I will be there with every puff of cigarette smoke and with every bitter sip of expresso because I care for you more than my body and mind can show and if I cannot demonstrate to you the happiness you create in me, may the elements of this earth remind you how it feels to truly feel anything at all.

Double shot of expresso
and I'm screaming inside
You're tearing yourself open right before my eyes
and I am nodding my head
as if to say it is all alright
And I know that you love her
and that I am the
confidant
you spill secrets to me in dimly lit rooms
and with the children screaming
we run away
with the one I should keep you from
and he flirts from the front seat
Batting eyelashes like the pretty girls do
We are catastrophes
but we just can't let go
and maybe that's the reason
my heart is so ******* full

first things, first
before i burst,
well,thats a blessed relief !!
coulda come to grief....
so easily.

it used to be,
put the kettle on
now it's slide
the plastic pod,
of coffee magic
in the slot.

lost the romance,
but i forgive,
as the coffee smell,
heaven scent
tickles, teases,
swirls and curls
in the predawn air

my nose hairs steam
and crema....crema
oh my giddy aunt!!!
i love the grind
of the bein' bean
my especial, expresso
blend
my bestest, favouritist, morning friend.
come to mamma's lips.
today....
is it gulps,
or dainty sips.
nectar in, either way
pulse begins, pupils dilate
lookin like another
beautiful day

Signor Bialetti Brews the Coffee now


Grazie, grazie, Signor Bialetti
Natty with your moustache and pork-pie hat
Charming man, your aluminum design
And Italian elegance grace my stove

If Don Camillo were to visit now
And bring along his ****** pal Peppone
They would still argue faith and politics
Just as they do in Emelia-Romagna

But here, over biscotti and expresso -
Grazie, grazie, Signor Bialetti!

sitting- staring being here right now
caring- loud enough to myself-in my head
grinding and chewing at my inner cheek- waiting for those pancakes
sipping- at my cafe the dry dark roast expresso from a can- it was frozen by my doing
I am a liar and I am a swooner- to myself I list these articles

Ever wonder what the inside of a persons mind is like?
I mean its where you keep all of your desires hidden from the outside world of backstabbers and hypocrites
It is where your ambitions lie
It is where your secrets stay buried
It is often filled to the brim of all the words and thoughts you sometimes cannot express in public
on paper with the help of a pen or keyboard
It was what your tongue and lips may fail to deliver
It is filled with file cabinets of all the good and bad deeds you have accomplished till now
Every Christmas list and birthday wish list is hidden somewhere in there too
Every ounce of knowledge you have gained with the help of your friends family, idols and enemies gets transferred into paper thin pages and later turned into books
one for each day of the year
You ideas and innovations keep the place lit
and the air always smells faintly of expresso
yes all that caffeine has finally gone to your brain
The mini fridge is full of you guessed it- Brainfood
There is so much more I can tell you but that is all the time I have got
I am listening to Mozart
I hear its good for the brain

CPAs for Christ

Voice: an old-time numbers warrior

“I just didn’t feel welcome in a traditional church,
You know, the stuffy cowboys for Christ church,
With latte’ splatters on my alligator shoes
And ink stains on my computer-worn fingers

“Here I’m welcome to keep my green eyeshade on
Because Jesus loves everyone, even CPAs
It’s like the old times when at night accountants
Swapped stories around the expresso machine

“There’s just something real plain and honest here,
Praisin’ that Great Auditor in the Sky.”

Everything is white and a little blue

I spilt expensive expresso on the comforter
Late nights chatting, spinning
I never seem to stop twirling
In the color, in the light, in the buzz
My face and my body often feels tired
It's honestly no wonder
Sometimes I just want to get ******
And my eyes looked into
So that I don't even have to remember
My purpose in this world.

When I go out, I'll end up drinking a lot
Champagne tastes best
When you enjoy every drop
I'm glistening I'm listening
I'm just trying to move through the
Awareness of losing you
The loss of letting you go
Into the rest of your existence
Without me.

I know that if I wanted to change that
I probably easily could
I wonder how you wonder on me
My head tilts to the side
Like a newborn puppy dog
Or a plastic figurine
Like the ones I would tear apart
And reinvent as a girl.

I'm in search of another rebirth
I don't know where or how I'll find it
I grow my hair out long
Shaping, shaping who I'm evolving into
And in my weak moments
I think it's all just too bad
It's bad we couldn't grow any further
Together.

Do you remember how
I scouted all around Chinatown
Do you remember how when you wanted something
I'd make it so?

I dance among bridges that burn
But it's because of my own light
I lit the flames
I'm always blossoming
It wasn't until the end
You were even with another
Reading my poetry
Reaching out for me almost steadily
And as I put it
You then went and ran.

It hurts but it feels like truth
I saw you for who you really are
And it doesn't make you evil
Undesirable
I just saw you.

You gazed at me
Remarking on the intensity
I'm like a drug
What you have with me is like a drug you said.

In the end
I know I did nothing wrong here
And that's been the thing I come back to sometimes
Maybe when we're older
And it's all past me
You'll see
But it's gone for me already
It's always been all gone.

It's time to lift weights
Time to cleanse
Time to find and sustain confidence
Buried in work, I long for kisses
And give myself deep doses
Of a lasting self love.

I wish that I
Could figure out the perfect little way
To start this off
But I'm not really sure.

I know that you know
That I've always been better
At expressing myself poetically
Than anywhere else.

It has and is
Incredibly painful
To see someone new next to you.

Time hop reminds me when I let it
Of the snowfall we felt
How I stood at the top of your steps
Posting our love, sharing our love
Sitting on your couch so stead fast
But with such a restless drive
I remember the way your face would look
Deep in the night
As that love started to fade
A look in your eyes like you just couldn't wait
For it to not be me
Or for me to be
What you hoped for.

I tried to be all those things
Sitting at the table with your friends
A decade older than me
Dressing and behaving like I could keep up
Trying to prove the little that I had here
I would tie myself up with bright string
Trying to display to you how I was trying.

You bought a wreath
A Christmas tree.
I imagine your new little family around it now
Salt candles, pillows, a piece of jewelry
A dog that I acted like was mine too
I know you remember
I know you feel it deeply too
And if it were me
Standing next to someone new
Sharing our love
Showing our love
Even as a new man left my bed this morning
And I don't say that to hurt you
I say that because I'm still not over you.

So I'm treating you like an addiction now
Because thats what you have become
Though I can easily peep through the willow trees
Fall backwards into pampas grass
Or twirl myself neurotically through spanish moss
And still there is this little iron rust filled interior part of me
That wants to take you back with open arms
That wants to kick everything you have now out the door
That wants to be the slightly older, more mature
Less to prove me now
For you
For your friends
For your family
In mickey mouse ears
But maybe a button down shirt instead.

Was that what you wanted
I'm not sure what you wanted
You often say you didn't love me because of my brilliance as an artist
I remember the bathtub
Where I swam and wanted you to see
How I could easily fly through the sea
I remember you watching me
As we both tried to pull and push each other
Into the vastly different chapters of our lives
I often felt stress, anger, and a longing to leave
Coming back with big doe eyes
My skin ready for you to kiss
Lying down onto my stomach like you liked
Ready to be yours at any given moment.

I did do all that
I did rest on all that
Cutting my hair shorter and shorter
Until it all ended and I couldn't stand the sight of it
Of remembering you pulling it
Of remembering how men in the past
Had gotten such say, such control over it
And even still
Try to bestow their opinions upon me
So with sharp scissors we kissed the remains of tendrils goodbye
You would later tell me that you wish
You wish that it was this version of me
The ever powerful, pixie cut, slightly more jaded me
You could  have had.

At dinner
With shots of jameson
Your friends have all unfollowed me on Instagram
And I think of your rapid tilting voice
Informing me that you have never said an unkind word
Knowing how you are brutally honest
Knowing how you sometimes overshare
Knowing how society is so quick to turn its back
On the woman deemed young
Crazy
Emotional
Wrong.

I'm smarter now
I'm more brilliant now
I know you know this
As I sat in the chair that massaged my back
Looking out into the tree covered hills
That made up Peoria, Illinois
It was there in that pink princess bed
That I mourned the end of you and me
And I sometimes wonder if I always sorta knew
Hanging on to when our next flight would be
Our next adventure
In my little black bathing suit
The one that makes me look just like Marilyn Monroe
Standing in the sunshine
You on a business call
Snapping photos of me
And slapping my *** all at once.
The picture in the silver frame
Long gone
But the ability to un-know
What was in it.
It was there in those moments that I poured my everything
Into you
Into what it was
Behind the fur covers, in the expresso drinks
In how I portrayed our love to the world.

Like I was this soon to be up and coming thing
And here you were
My knight in shining commercial tv
Ready to wrap your arm around me
Put a ring on my finger
Start anew
"I think I've been waiting for you all this time."
You told me in the beginning
At what we would call Hickory Jawn.

But its all over now
We know this
And this is where I always land
After I work through all the beautiful sensual moments
Where you would speak to me in such a filthy way
That I had nothing left to do
But to release myself onto you
To turn you on in that young little way I hope I always
Secretly do
But to let it go
To see it for what it is
"Beleaguered father"
Beleaguered father.

I love you still
I wish I didn't
I think and trot around town
Some weeks caring nothing at all
Feeling the pain of not understanding
How you could have someone stand, sit, dance
Where I once was.

Its like I said
I suppose it is easier for men
Like a whiff of smoke I disappear
From your life, as your possible wife
Knowing I gave up that title
The moment you raised your voice at me
And would later chalk it up
As though you and your friends believed
I was overreacting and should understand
Thats how humans treat one another.

I don't know Cannon
But I know that I cannot keep aching over you
I cannot unfriend you
Block you
Avoid you
All I can do is hope that time will continue to pass
Somewhat swiftly
So that I can continue to become
Not what once was yours.

Because the truth is Cannon
That is how people see me
That is how people, your friends
Your peers
See me
Because we live in a world
Where women are misled
And I hear the croon of crows
Its all in your head
Its all in your head.
Perhaps not.
Women are thought of as a second best bed
And everyday I fight to become just who I am
In a place that feels very much
Like its your land.

But I know that it is not
I take up time and space
Like in this poem right now
Writing into what sort of feels like
Somewhat endlessly
I imagine you
Receiving my words
Reading them in your bathroom
Or at a later time
When you don't have to hide
Those dark brown
Expressive eyes of yours.

I know I have written and chimed
I know I have been ugly and loving
I know exactly the ways in which you let me down
And everyday as of the moment
Because its true, this too shall pass
I know that when I sat across from you at dinner
For the first time
My hair long and blonde
My lips green
I thought this was it
I wanted to think this was it.

I don't think or believe in such extremities anymore
On the surface I think we both hoped for so much.

Sorry. Thankful. Onward.
We ink it into the body we once shared
Knowing there is no going back there
And that the day you see me finally shine on
You will understand better
Why I wrote this.

So yeah
Sorry. Thankful. Onward.
I can't pretend you don't exist
I'm sure we will see each other again
As the snow falls
And the weekends were once ours
But its all gone now.

Its always been all gone.