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Ana Habib Dec 2020
the details of how you passed on
are slowly emerging
from the phone
from the computer
from the mouth of strangers
I do not know what hurts less
reading it all on paper and glass
or hearing them with my own ears
one way or another
I still feel like I am bleeding
I still feel like I am breaking
trying to keep everything together
hopelessly failing
but still trying to stay intact
Ana Habib Dec 2020
One Last Trip
The weather must have been really bright when you left home
I just wished you were feeling the same
Your friends must have been really happy with no worries for the day
I just wish you were feeling the same
The beach must have looked really beautiful
I wish you felt the same way
The sand super smooth
The air clear
The water extra blue
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
You should have reached out
Instead of living a lie
You all must have dined on fresh seafood, flatbread, mashed foods and coconut water
Your favourites
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
Your friends must have walked along paths taking turns telling stores
While you tagged along pretending to be OK and telling no one about your pain
I still wish I knew what you were thinking
Life at home was unbearable I imagine
Minus the pandemic
Your wife kept you on your toes
Your children kept you busy
But as soon as the food water and medication ran out
Your worries and frustration ran high
You still never said anything over the phone
Through the screen
I went along with it
Your thought of everyone
You spared us all from worry and sandiness
But really all I feel now is pain
A deep ache in the shape of a huge hole
Its eating its way right through the heart
I don’t know how far this will go
Ana Habib Dec 2020
I woke up knowing that I was not going to have a good day
But nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared me
for what I was about to deal with next
The very unexpected news of your demise
I broke down right after
Every was off
Surreal even
The day dragged on
I might as well have been drugged too
Nothing was making sense
It was up to me to gather the facts
Of what was your last day om earth
Your final moments
I am not blaming anyone
We all have to go
One by one
We are all in line
Without the knowledge of who will go next
I understand that much
But nothing else is making sense
I am doing what I can
As quickly as I can
But I don’t fee like being alone with my thoughts
I cried and I thought I was done
But all I'm looking for now is a distraction
Or maybe 10
The news has spread
The prayers are pouring in
Your are finally one with the earth
But your loss will be felt for a very long time
I fear for my mom and her siblings
I fear for the family and children you have left behind
But I hope you are in a better place now
I already know you were a good man
Who had done so much for people
Those very far and those close to home
Who always found a reason to smile
Had the gift to make others laugh till their sides hurt
Till they got the hiccups
Who had faced many ups and downs
Lived by his means
But could always spare something for someone else in need
I will always remember you
As someone who loved me
As someone who helped raise me
As someone who made me laugh
As someone who was there to wipe away my tears
As someone who always had something nice to say
Even when I ******* up
As someone who did not hesitate to speak on my behalf on the days it seemed like the whole world was against me
As someone who always thought of me and wished me well
As someone who always kept me in his prayers
These words cannot fully express how much I will miss you
How deeply your loss will be felt
But I hope you are happy now
May your soul finally rest in peace
Ana Habib Dec 2020
S= Thank god she's not home yet
C= coach bag and purse to match
R=Ruby rings and diamonds too
E=Empire dresses with a belted waist
W= wine and a watercolour set
E= Estee Lauder Holiday Set for $600
D= Dior Perfume
Ana Habib Dec 2020
The sun is up but he is not
He always expects breakfast in bed
At the stroke of nine
In fishnet stockings, gloves and frills
Steaming hot
Freshly squeezed
Lavishly buttered
Dripping wet
I have on my candy lips
Vanilla body butter
But something is still amiss
Maraschino cherries
Ana Habib Dec 2020
I cant talk to you today
I won be able to talk to you tomorrow either
Maybe for the entire summer even
Something is wrong
Not with me
My parents
Brother too
My father does not go out for much
Except for work and church
He has been complaining about aches and pains
He wants to lie still all day long
He can’t eat anything accept for bone broth and porridge
He complains of a fever
But everything looked normal
He says he sees something on certain nights
A willowy white figure standing by the edge of his bed
Sometimes looking through a window
He won’t tell me who it is
Sister, grandma a possible mistress?
My mom has not been feeling too good either
I mean she looks okay
She works like a mad woman you know,
But when you talk to her
She barely acknowledges that you are there
It’s like she is in a trance
She lives on coffee and crackers
Down the hall
Stays my brother
Up at all hours
Doing something in his room
It smells kind of funny too
Claims that he has insomnia
I have seen him pop melatonin pills like they are tic tacs
So yea thanks for checking up on me
I still don’t know what is going on
But I cant talk to you today
I wont be able to talk to you tomorrow either
Ana Habib Dec 2020
I have not been completely honest
I know I am strong
but at the same time also vulnerable
I know this is not love
It cant be because I am afraid
you are a nice person
drama free and wholesome
pretty parents and manicured lawns
lexus rides and chalets
it all sounds so perfect
looks so great to the naked eye
but I still would not be able to fall in love
because I am afraid
if I begin to love then I will become attached
If i begin to love then I will stop being rational and aim for something that really is not there
if I begin to love then that means I will be free to get hurt
shed tears again
say self damaging things in the name of self defence
All things I know I am capable of
But this cant be love
because I am afraid
to love
to loose
to break and turn to dust
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