I light myself up from the inside out
just to feel something,
anything.
And sometimes,
if I'm lucky,
I can feel my lungs crumbling to ash.
The flames distract my heart
as smoke billows out of my throat,
I feel sane,
if I'm lucky.
My fingertips will burn
and my lips will crack
but I feel.
So I call it luck,
and breathe you out.

I find myself losing more of that person,
I'm less of who I was,
less of who I wanted to be.
More paranoia,
anger,
frustration,
and anxiety
than I ever wanted.
I'm a walking shell of a human,
I don't know where my story will go next
because I move like it's already ended,
days go by in seconds,
weeks by in hours,
a month will pass in a breath yet the future still hasn't come.
The past used to follow me like a shadow,
but it seems I've turned into a
modern-day Peter Pan
and pushed it away.
And away it took all of who I was.

I'm trying to love you but
you're hand burns when
it touches my cheek
and I've never really been
a fan of the heat.

living in a house that isn't a home,
eating, sleeping, breathing, alone.

~
I drink two pots of coffee
only to stare at the page,
I avoid all forms of rest
only to scribble squares,
I force myself into panic
only to give up before I start.
I swear I'm trying.
I hate this part of myself,
the part that overthinks for hours,
only to forget my words.
~

Do you remember how we used to do this?
Sit on the hood of your truck
and eat salted fries.
We'd both have stupid grins on our faces
and I'd tell you how good you looked.

Do you remember how the sky lit up?
The fireworks were so loud
but I could almost hear the boom
in your heart
after each explosion.

Do you remember when you laid
your head on my shoulder?
and I tried to hold your hand,
You pulled away saying
you needed a smoke.
But I know you hate the taste...

I remember how cold it was,
the night after you slept in my bed.
You had worn my old shirt,
and I almost told you.

A couple days later is all it took though,
for me to say the words
I know you didn't want to hear.
And I haven't heard from you since.

So now I'm sitting alone.
Watching each blast,
Counting all the colours,
trying to forget your smile.

Gray clouds fill the sky while you watch them become a gray blur
The smell of rain still lingers in the air
You're surrounded by barren trees
And dark pavement
For once your mind is silent, numb
Just appreciating the moment
While content paces through each vein in your body
You can hear the sound of cars in the distance
But they never get close enough to ruin the illusion
The peace
And everything feels soft
Whether it be jagged rocks or splintered tree trunks
Your mind can't tell where reality ends and your thoughts begin
And the moment stays with you all day
Whether or not you stay in the moment,
It lingers.