very irritable
people ******* ****
i only have 2 friends that i can really put my faith in
i hate where i live because i feel like an outsider
if it werent for my band id be long gone from here
ive been stuck in my room for as long as i can remember
doing anything but moving forward with my life
and it feels good to get away from all the ******* around me
but because ive been hiding so long from all my friends and family
they don't know the mental adventures ive put myself through
and the person ive become because of it
and ive let others tell me who i am for so long that ive forgotten who i really am
and i know im a good person but i cant just sit here and let others take advantage of me
and everytime i lash out in a fit of rage i feel like I lose a little bit of who i am
or once was
or maybe that's just who i am
an angry and sad person
dealing with my own struggles i place upon myself
and im constantly ******* myself because i know i can be better and do things right
but i take the easy way out and ignore everything that stands in my way
because im tired of trying and getting nothing out of it
and im especially tired of trying to expect the best out of people when that never happens
so im settling on expecting the worst out of everybody
since thats what tends to happen most of the time
it makes sense
it makes sense to me at least
but when people ask me why i act the way i do i just tell them that's just how i am
because it's easier to attach myself to my problems than explain why they're there in the first place
because nobody really actually cares about the problems, they're all just curious
but when im told "hey man how are you doing" im obliged to say "fine" but really things arent ok
not im my mind
but i tell them things are ok just to make people have a sense that there aren't any problems
and if I were to actually bring up anything thats really on my mind
im just met with pseudotherapists and people with solutions who have words of encouragement and goodness
but all i hear is that im wrong
and im used to being wrong
and i try to explain myself to these curious people just to realize that i've already forgotten everything
i dont know why i'm like this
i dont know why these problems are here
im convinced that i dont even have any real problems
and that i've just tricked myself into being angry and upset constantly for no reason
and that just ****** me off even more
I dont know what's wrong with me and i feel helpless and worthless
but thank god for my 2 friends who accept me and endure the hell i think i put them through
i know im an insufferable person on the inside
but ive just gotten real good at filtering the negativity that comes out of my mouth
thinking that none of it matters
because it doesnt matter
none of my problems matter because confronting them goes nowhere but straight down to rock bottom
and i couldnt bear to invite my friends on for the ride
they mean too much to me
sometimes i think that i care about things too much and maybe thats my problem
but then i think that if i really did care about things too much
then id actually make a positive change for the things i care about
and instead i sit here and mope and complain about things out of my control
just to realize that i shouldnt care in the first place
and it all comes full circle
i shouldn't care at all in the first place
i shouldn't care about anything since nothing except for my 2 friends cares about me
im glad i have apathy and rage standing beside me at all times because when i come crashing down
at least i know what will be there to back me up
and once my body makes contact with the cold hard ground
i will have nothing left
and that in itself is a liberating feeling
to know that i have no more responsibility and nothing left to care about
there will be nothing that can turn around and completely subvert my expectations
nobody to make me feel hopeless
but im never gonna reach that point
ill never get that far because ive never gotten far in the first place
i should just stop caring entirely
and ill still be here in my room not caring
not doing a single ******* thing that benefits me
i dont know where i am anymore
lost in my mind
completely lost

Tough luck love, he shrugged
Luck was indeed tough
How could it be written in the stars that life had to end this way
Many things would have gone wrong,right?
For someone to feel life is so worthless
To choose feeling air getting choked out of them
over breathing another day
Tough luck love, he said
Luck was indeed tough
But if it meant he would stay one more day, i would have forced the stars to change

Asleep in a vibrant environment
Colorblind in a restless world
Still in the company of emotions
Flying in a city that's frozen
Dying slow
In a world that never stops
Continues to love
In a world that could never appreciate
The no strings attached purity
Of a heart burdened
By loving more than it gets loved

I have drawn the unlucky card within life of having friends,
I always befriend people who use me,
break me,
manipulate me,
use my kindness against me
and walk all over me.

This card has served me great moments of loneliness, depression and suicidal thoughts and along with this card, it has made me feel worthless, ugly and alienated.

Friends, have never been by my side in life.
Friends, always end up leaving me in my life.
Friends, constantly abuse me emotionally and made me question myself.

Although the question is, who are you without your friends?

All I have are the footprints that show where I have been.
Passing natures beauty and all the faces that I have seen.

The empty road ahead seems darker than it ever has before.
My mind whispers to me that it cant do this life much more.

I have seen the things aplenty and I am tired of the view.
My days are filled with replay and there is never any new.

I'm not afraid to end it and it certainly holds little fright.
Yet I see others fighting to survive so to end it cant be right.

A sense of being trapped like a mouse treading upon a wheel.
Just knowing that until the last I breathe that this how I will feel.

Do you know these feelings and the empty lonely days?
To wake upon to the morning to curse the suns new shinning rays?

Like you I know not when or if this today will be my last.
But I wont mourn a life of no future and of only never ending past.

Tired of the expectations of what life compels each and all to do...
And loneliest of all my empty days no one dear to say "I love you".

My life is but a long memory of someone no longer there.
I who have no purpose, destined to vanish as if smoke upon the air.